A family looking for seashells in California discovered the partial remains of what has now been identified as a former banker who went missing in 1999, notifying authorities when they came across a long bone that contained surgical hardware. What do you think?

“That’d make a rad necklace.”

Bradley Snyder, Pea Sheller

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“If you hold them up to your ear you can hear screaming.”

Joelle Kimbrel, Lectern Installer

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“Leave only footprints, take only shinbones.”

Paul Rahmat, Unemployed

The post Family Looking For Seashells Finds Remains Of Missing Man appeared first on The Onion.

Last week, Disney+ reunited the stars of Hannah Montana for the first time since the series premiered two decades ago. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations from the Hannah Montana 20th Anniversary Special.

Billy Ray Cyrus was paid in pull tabs.

Disney originally planned to make a “Hannah” for all 50 states.

Miley Cyrus originally auditioned for the role of the live studio audience.

The series was an allegory for Korean Reunification.

All of Cyrus’ speaking dialogue was lip-synched.

The famous Hannah Montana wig was made from pure asbestos.

Cyrus mined experiences from her own life in order to name the character “Miley.”

If the cast is 20 years older now, so are you.

This is really all some people have.

The post Biggest Revelations From The ‘Hannah Montana’ Reunion appeared first on The Onion.

First Lady Melania Trump appeared with a humanoid robot during an AI education summit, claiming that mechanical educators like it will one day “provide a personalized experience, adaptive to the needs of each student.” What do you think?

“Teacher salaries aren’t enough to sustain human life anyway.”

Leonardo De Sica, Trampoline Packager

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“At least I’d have no guilt about pushing it in front of a shooter.”

Chase Bromfield, Systems Analyst

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“It will be no match for the robot slacker I’m working on.”

Genevieve McKay, Marinade Expert

The post Melania Trump Touts Robot Teachers appeared first on The Onion.

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LONDON—Pinching the bridge of his nose and releasing a long weary sigh after he opened a letter summoning him to BBC headquarters, British man Arthur Batts confirmed this week that he was desperately trying to get out of panel show duty. “For God’s sake, it seems like I was just on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and now they’re making me come back in to do Never Mind The Buzzcocks,” said Batts, adding that while he understood the civic importance of mandatory panel show duty, it was still a huge hassle to miss work just to share a dais with David Mitchell. “I don’t have any more droll observations about Keir Starmer for Sandi Toksvig over at QI, and I’ve been on Would I Lie To You? so many times that I can already tell you who’s lying. It’s James fucking Acaster. Maybe Channel 4 will get off my back for a while if I threaten to kill Alex Horne.” After failing to appear for taping, Batts was reportedly fined 1,000 pounds and sentenced to six weeks guest-hosting Have I Got News For You.

The post British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the United States Supreme Court issued a decisive ruling on a controversial case in Colorado regarding conversion therapy for minors, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson raised a pertinent question about the constitutionality of the law.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The movie industry saw the revival of one of its brightest young stars, as actress Brie Larson's career showed signs of taking off to new heights after she started shutting up.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Vanessa Miller reported feeling annoyed Thursday morning when her favorite weekly ZipRecruiter ad was interrupted by three minutes of podcast content.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As hostilities in the Middle East extended into a second month, White House sources confirmed that President Donald Trump had officially begun negotiating with Iranian leadership via Ouija board.

MIAMI, FL — As depicted in an exciting presentation of computer renderings of its breathtaking design, the proposed Donald J. Trump Presidential Library is set to feature a solemn "reflecting pool" filled with liberal tears.

Get ready for an inspiring story that is sure to restore your faith in humanity: This woman just slowed her pace down a little as she passed an extremely old man on the sidewalk so he doesn’t feel as slow.

What a beautiful gesture!

Despite the fact that 29-year-old Kim Brailey typically walks at a fairly fast pace, when she came upon an elderly man making his way down the sidewalk, she didn’t just speed around him. Although she was running late for her Barre workout class (an activity that this man most certainly would not be physically capable of), she took great care to avoid humiliating him with her young person speed by gently stepping around him, even adding a polite “good afternoon” as she did, rather than an “excuse me.”

And if that weren’t already enough to convince you that the younger generations truly have manners, Kim even maintained her slower pace until she was at least 10 feet ahead of the man so that he couldn’t see what she was doing, even though he was only looking at the ground right in front of him to avoid falling down.

So incredible! The world would easily be a better place if everyone took Kim’s approach to life! Share if you agree this story made your day. 

The internet is currently on fire after one of the most iconic celebrities in the United States just gave the world a peek behind the curtain of his public persona: Pikachu just said “divorced Pikachu.”

Absolutely shocking. This is a rare glimpse into the personal life of one of the most private Pokémon in America.

Pikachu made his earth-shaking revelation yesterday evening while walking the red carpet at a charity auction at the Georgia O’Keefe Museum in Sante Fe to raise money for Charizard, who is recovering from injuries he sustained when his tour van crashed in Michigan last month. While ABC’s George Pennacchio was interviewing Ryan Gosling about his recent film, Project Hail Mary, Pikachu grabbed the mic and said, “Divorced Pikachu” before going inside the museum.

That one fateful statement has immediately set off a wildfire of rumors and speculation that all is not well in Casa De Pikachu.

While Pikachu has become a global megastar from his appearances in Pokémon video games, movies, and television series, up until now the electric-type mouse Pokémon had rarely divulged details about his home life or family. Most of Pikachu’s public statements were either him shouting his own name, or a shortened version of it such as “Pika” or “Pi,” which left gossip bloggers grasping at straws as they tried to find out any juicy details about what went on with him when he went home after a long day of killing other Pokémon.

But by saying, “Divorced Pikachu,” Pikachu is making one thing clear to everyone: His marriage is over.

“We tend to view Pikachu as a larger-than-life celebrity who does nothing but electrocute other Pokémon and sometimes try to murder Mario and Samus, but when he said ‘Divorced Pikachu’ it was a reminder that Pikachu is just like everybody else,” New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote in a recent op-ed. “Even though it might feel like we know Pikachu because we see him on TV, the real Pikachu is a complex thunder mouse with his own personal problems and hidden tragedies.”

While internet sleuths are desperately trying to discover the identity of Pikachu’s now-ex-wife or uncover the details that led to the end of the marriage, Pikachu himself has largely declined to fill in the blanks for the drama-hungry public. When reporters from TMZ approached him for further comment, he attacked them with Electro Web. But even if we don’t know all the sordid details yet, this is still stunning information. Here’s hoping Pikachu is able to pick up the pieces in the wake of his divorce and is able to find love again! We can’t wait until Pikachu says “Remarried Pikachu” someday soon!

Filing your taxes can be a stressful ordeal, but thankfully, one tax prep company is stepping up to make its users feel more at ease: H&R Block’s e-file software has added a feature where a kind lady tells you that you did a good job on your taxes for an extra $45.

So much yes!

Upon filing their 2025 taxes, H&R Block customers will now be presented with the option to “Receive A Confidence Boost.” For $45, users will be sent a downloadable PDF file of a smiling woman giving a thumbs up with a speech bubble saying that filing your taxes is hard work and you did really a great job. Although the software does most of the work, H&R Block has explained that users often feel such anxiety about the whole process that this little reminder of their excellent performance goes a long way.

H&R Block has pulled out a few more stops with this feature, too. For an additional $25, the woman will tell you that the crying freakout you had after learning you owe money on your federal taxes was totally normal, and for an additional $100, the woman will let you know that the government probably won’t send you to jail because of something you messed up on your taxes. Although she cannot legally give you a definite answer on the jail thing, that “probably” is going to provide some serious peace of mind to customers who panic immediately post-filing that they did their taxes completely wrong and will forever pay the price.

Now this is how you do customer service right!

While the company has yet to reveal if the woman is an H&R Block employee or a tax expert, she looks pretty middle-aged, which has thus far been deemed very comforting to users.

Your move, TurboTax, because this is definitely changing the e-file game!

This is fantastic news: Trader Joe’s just raised their parking lot speed limit to 70 mph! No longer will we have to limit ourselves to cruising their parking lots at barely 50—we can finally go as fast as we need to. This just made grocery shopping 100x better!

If you are a man, get ready to stand up and cheer, because one of the most important clothing stores in the world just announced a game-changing new policy that’s going to make your life more incredible than ever before: Men’s Wearhouse will now let you have your suit fitted while under anesthesia!

Fuck. Yes. Looks like men finally have something to celebrate!

For generations, men have had to suffer through endless suit fittings while fully conscious, experiencing every excruciating second as a tailor dragged tape measures all over their thighs and shoulders. That living nightmare is about to become a thing of the past, however, because starting today, Men’s Wearhouse is now offering their customers an IV drip of general anesthesia that will keep them in a drug-induced state of total unconsciousness while their team of expert tailors measures their dimensions to fit them for their world-class suits. 

There’s literally never been a better time to be a man!

“For generations, Men’s Wearhouses across the country were filled with the sounds of men shrieking in agony as they were poked and prodded with invasive measuring tools and excruciating chalks, but no longer,” said Men’s Wearhouse CEO Peter Sachse, who said he made the decision to provide anesthesia to shoppers after witnessing a man begging for death while getting fitted for a Kenneth Cole Chillflex suit last year. “From here on out, you’ll walk into a Men’s Wearhouse, enter a medically-induced state of oblivion, and wake up to a perfectly fitted suit. We don’t live in Medieval times anymore, and this was long overdue.”

If you hear the sound of millions of people applauding outside your window right now, it’s probably all the men in America celebrating this major W, one that’s been long overdue and is one of the biggest steps toward living in a perfect society that has ever been taken. We can’t wait to head down to the nearest Men’s Wearhouse and slip into painless oblivion while we get fitted for our next formal occasion. Other clothing companies, take note: this is how you’re supposed to treat men!

WASHINGTON — A new national poll released this week found that a majority of Americans were surprised to learn the war with Iran is still happening, roughly two weeks after most people stopped paying attention.

When asked what the United States should do about the conflict and whether they supported deploying ground troops, 72 percent of respondents reportedly replied, “Wait… that’s not over?”

Analysts say the public attention cycle following a national crisis tends to follow a familiar pattern.

On the first Saturday the news broke, millions of Americans were glued to their phones watching dramatic footage of missile strikes and air defenses lighting up the night sky across social media.

“Everyone was sharing the videos,” said polling director Mark Caldwell. “There were maps, military threads, amateur geopolitical experts explaining the Strait of Hormuz. It was a huge weekend.”

On Sunday, Iranian forces responded in kind, and both the conflict and online discourse escalated rapidly. That evening, the national mood shifted to talk shows, group texts, and highly confident predictions about how the conflict would unfold.

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“People were saying things like ‘this will be over in a week’ and ‘Iran can’t possibly sustain this,’” Caldwell said. “A lot of very authoritative takes from people who had just learned where Iran was.”

From Monday through Wednesday, the war became the dominant topic in workplaces across the country.

Corporate Teams and Slack channels filled with strategic analysis, with coworkers debating air defense capabilities during lunch and confidently explaining the difference between ballistic and cruise missiles after watching half of a YouTube video.

By Thursday afternoon, however, interest had begun to wane.

“New war videos started drying up, and people began asking if anyone had watched that new Netflix show yet,” Caldwell said.

By Friday, most Americans had quietly moved on to other priorities, including Spring Break, hiking, and learning how pickleball works.

“Pickleball just exploded on Friday,” Caldwell said. “The war never really had a chance after that.”

Defense officials confirmed the conflict has continued uninterrupted during the period in which the public stopped monitoring it.

Missile exchanges, regional mobilizations, and diplomatic maneuvering have persisted daily, though many Americans first learned this when the poll was conducted.

“I thought that ended like two weekends ago,” said one respondent from Ohio. “Didn’t we bomb something and everyone kind of agreed that was enough?”

Another respondent said he assumed the situation had resolved itself because it stopped appearing in his social media feed.

“I figured if it was still happening it would be trending,” he said. “Is that why gas prices are going back up?”

After the pollster briefly mentioned the Strait of Hormuz, the man frowned.

“Wait, what? Shouldn’t the Navy have secured that on day one?” he said. “Like take out the leadership, bomb the nuclear sites, wipe out the missiles, secure the Strait. Those seem like the four most obvious priorities.”

At press time, polling organizations confirmed they are preparing a follow-up survey to determine how Americans feel about the war now that they have briefly remembered it exists.

HEAVEN — God is unable to keep boots off the ground in Iran because He is currently overwhelmed with prayers to rig March Madness at the faithful’s request, heavenly sources confirmed today.

“The brackets are eating up every bit of bandwidth,” said Saint Joan of Arc (HGS S-3), a longtime Notre Dame fan. “Sure, the Chief hears every plea to stop regional entanglements. But any prayer regarding the Strait of Hormuz is on hold until Father Almighty deals with the thousands of outcries for a buzzer-beating three-pointer.”

According to heavenly officials, NCAA basketball creates a massive surge in prayer volume every spring that drowns out those beseeching peace for all mankind. Such “bracket bottlenecks” curtail divine intervention as the maker of heaven and earth prioritizes point spreads over regional stability in the Middle East.

“HEAVRNET is at 99% capacity,” Saint Gabriel (HGS S-6) said while untangling a mess of fiber-optic incense. “I tried rebooting the Burning Bush, but it can’t compete with all these Syracuse fans bargaining their prayers. And we can’t process Iran peace negotiations while the Big Guy is prioritizing a 12-seed upset.”

Compounding the crisis, a data spike from Chestnut Hill has overwhelmed prayer servers.

“Boston College fans flood the queue every year praying for a wildcard,” Joan groaned while swiping through a backlog of Jesuit-coded emails. “Their womp-womp creates a total deadlock in the S-3 shop. It’s blocking every chaplain’s plea to spare the next school from a strike package.”

“Boston alumni scream like they’re all burning at the stake,” Joan added. “But Gabriel says the Big Guy won’t delete their requests. The Eagles stay in the queue while kids wearing maghnaehs stay in the crosshairs.”

Administrative hurdles have only complicated the crisis.

“I just kicked back a bracket petition for missing a HAC-card signature,” Saint Peter (HGS S-1) said while pointing to a mountain of unfiled parchment. “Everybody wants a miracle rebound but nobody wants to use the correct routing header.”

Peter added that “Vir Macho” continues citing Matthew 21:22 to justify honoring nearly every sports-related prayer submitted through official heavenly channels.

“I support the troops,” King David said while heating a Manna-Ready-to-Eat against a sling stone. “But a ground war in Iran looks like a ‘go’ at this point thanks to those NCAA logjams. The Secretary of War should stop praying for an Ivy League miracle and start worrying about the slam-poetry warning order he just wrote.”

Meanwhile, Satan has expressed delight at the prospect of another Persian Incursion.

“It will maximize my return on investment this quarter,” he said while adjusting a spreadsheet. “If enough misguided faithful cry out for bracket-busters, I’ll easily hit my target ratio of one 12-seed upset for every 12,000 fallen boots.”

WASHINGTON — Secretary of War Pete Hegseth appeared visibly confused Tuesday after discovering that the phrase “fuck around and find out,” which he frequently uses on television to describe America's enemies, apparently applies to him as well.

The revelation came during a Pentagon briefing as the conflict with Iran entered what officials described as “its second week of not ending in a week.”

“Look, this will be over in seven days,” Hegseth said at the outset of the conflict, speaking with the confidence of a platoon leader who never developed a campaign plan. “You drop some bombs, hit a few Ayatollahs, and the people will just walk into the street and scream ‘you’ve been cancelled’ at the Iranian regime.”

Two weeks later, Iranian missiles are striking targets across the region, oil markets are in chaos, tankers are exploding in the Strait of Hormuz, and the Pentagon has begun using the phrase “dynamic operational environment,” which officials confirmed loosely translates to “we may have fucked around a bit too much and are now finding out.”

One aide said Hegseth was “particularly surprised” Iran did not immediately surrender after several days of strikes.

“The Secretary believed if we just air-war the shit out of them, they would quickly realize the United States puts the ‘dom’ in air dominance,” said Joe Kasper, a special government employee brought in by Hegseth.

Complicating matters has been Hegseth’s repeated description of the conflict as a “spiritual struggle,” which has created awkward moments among U.S. allies.

“The messaging about a holy war has been… difficult,” said one State Department diplomat. “Especially considering many of our partners are, by sheer coincidence, Muslim.”

The State Department has attempted to walk back the remarks as a translation issue.

“Holy war? No,” one official said. “He meant… war of good versus evil. Totally different.”

Diplomats said several allied governments responded with what one official described as “a long, uncomfortable pause, but in Arabic.”

The meeting reportedly ended with U.S. officials pleading with Gulf partners not to expel American forces.

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

SCOTT Mills has been fired from the Radio 2 breakfast show, leaving a yawning beige gap of vapidity. Who could possibly replace him? 

An oscillating electric fan

Many people have heard the rattling, rhythmic tones of a fan turning from side to side and thought ‘Fair play, that’s better than the recurring Scott Mills feature 24 Years at the Tap End.’ Replacing the DJ with this soothing noise, interspersed with occasional songs and frequent reminders to tell your smart speaker to play Radio 2, would raise listening figures.

The yapping of a small, angry dog

Irritating, yes, makes you Google ‘is canine homicide a crime?’ yes, but is it as bad as the aural equivalent of plain rice soup being piped into your ears while you queue at the lights?At least with the dog, it would be a relief to hear a 21-year-old song by Katie Melua deemed too anodyne for everyday use by provincial coffee chains.

Distant yodelling

Terrible because it’s yodelling; wonderful because it’s distant. That comforting Alpine feeling of the red-faced man in the leather shorts being at least two peaks away would make the constant exhortations to ‘stop listening to the radio now, you f**king f**kwit, and watch Radio 2 Piano Rooms sessions on iPlayer instead’ a joy, not a burden.

Adrian Chiles

Unlikelier comebacks have happened, and the Guardian columnist’s dedication to mining previously unknown seams of deep mundanity makes him the ideal new host. That Brummie drawl discussing whether a broken electric kettle should rightly be given a funeral is the ideal backdrop to repeated trailers for BBC thrillers that sound shit.

The hissing of summer lawns

Not the Joni Mitchell album – this is Radio 2, not bloody 6Music, get out of here with your fancy singer-songwriters – but the gentle noise of a sprinkler at work. Would cause a million or so listeners with loose pelvic floors to wet themselves, but even as they put their Next jeggings in for a 40ºC wash they’d agree it was better than Mills.

Bus conversations about the weather

What could better approximate the tedium and total disregard for music embodied by the dismissed DJ than a sound collage of the UK’s greatest overheard bus conversations? From ‘Still wet, isn’t it’ to ‘Ah well, might brighten up later’ they’re infinitely preferable to when he named an M3 overpass after himself and banged on about it for a f**king year.

By King Charles II, Head of the Commonwealth and Defender of the Faith

THERE feels something a tad amiss about my state visit to the US. Almost as if the prime minister is a back-alley ‘pimp’, and I am to take the role of his ‘bitch’.

The timing seems poor, given Mr Trump’s recent scathing comments about Britain and this trip being scheduled to flatter him. A demeaning prospect. A shame Andrew is exiled to Norfolk, as the two have certain former friends and criminal perversions in common.

Unfortunately the whole thing puts me in mind of grubby business deals where high-class courtesans are included as standard. Metaphorically, I hope, though who knows what this colonial president is capable of.

It is clear Camilla and I will be expected to abase ourselves. The tour of the White House, currently adorned with cheap plastic fittings sprayed gold, will be excruciating. ‘How lovely,’ one will demean oneself by lying. ‘We have real ones of those at the Palace.’

And speaking of exchanging sexual intercourse for money, we must endure again the painful charade that is the Trump marriage. When the distant couple stayed at Windsor Castle last year, I quickly discovered their relationship is a conversational minefield.

Even asking ‘How did you meet?’ is a faux pas when the answer is ‘Melania was procured for me by my closest friend, a paedophile sex trafficker whose murder it is not beyond the realm of possibility I had a hand in.’

This farce is beneath me – it would be beneath Edward – but my country requires it. So as I play a round of golf with the man while wearing one of his wretched baseball caps, I shall remember Sir Keir.

And when I return? He will be summoned to the Palace for one of our audiences. The garish, bell-hatted red-and-yellow suit of the King’s Fool will be laid out before him. And by God before he departs his office I will see that man caper and dance.

TRIED to spice things up with dirty texts and been rebuffed? Here’s how to move onto a much safer topic: the British weather.

Tell your partner they misunderstood

When you asked if she was wet, what you meant was ‘due to the downpour we just had’. If you requested shower pics, you meant her in a charming mac caught in an April shower. Sadly you have now condemned yourself to receiving and commenting on ‘adorable’ pictures of her whenever she gets caught in the rain. Get ready with those ‘likes’.

Show concern

You only wanted to know what he was wearing to make sure it was climate-appropriate. The same with telling him he was ‘hot’. You just were trying to persuade him to wear a sun hat and cooling lightweight clothing. How could you worrying about heatstroke and dehydration be misconstrued as sexual? Shore up this gaslighting by asking if he’s ever been treated for sex addiction.

Blame the seasons and your allergies

Alright, you were a bit forward, but it’s the weather. The warmer temperatures have caused the flowers to bloom and release pollen and it’s made you delirious with hayfever. So let’s talk about that and not that dick pic you sent. Admitted this is the first case of hayfever to have the same effects as malaria, but you don’t have many options. Maybe you can convince her you accidentally dropped your phone down your trousers? No, that’s just as bad.

Turn your dirty talk into a weather report

For example: ‘After a warm front, things have turned rather chilly. There’s been a sharp drop in enthusiasm and earlier projections of heavy activity have now been downgraded to light drizzle at best. Conditions are tense but stable. Expect a long dry spell ahead.’ See, this is like a spoof weather report on a comedy show! Ha ha ha! Is he laughing? No, he’s thinking about dating someone less weird.

Never speak of what happened again

Like a sunny spell, your attempt at being sexy came and went and now you’re back to gloom and small talk. Both of you should bury this awkward memory and only talk about the weather from now on. It’s the British way.

EXCITED about the new tax year? Here’s how to party like an accountant before a thrilling new fiscal year begins in April. Don’t forget the Alka-Seltzer!

Choose the venue prudently

Hiring a party venue can be costly, and the company office has overheads, so show fiscal prudence and reduce outlay by partying at someone’s home. If everyone rocks up with their laptop and logs in, the host can claim on their tax return for using the house as an office. Talk about starting the party with a bang!

Estimate outgoings for food and drink

Base your figures on the previous financial year’s consumption and forecast an average spend. Historic data patterns reveal one of the party will be pregnant and abstain from drinking, but will consume double the snacks, and your fat bastard colleague Gareth will appreciate to two persons with food and three for drink.

Dress to bill

Accountancy party clothes vary only slightly from work clothes. For men, it’s a novelty tie, for women, it’s brighter shoes and smaller bag. Aftershaves and perfumes never fluctuate, only percentage application increases. Now you’re ready to paint the town the colour of a worrying deficit in a ledger.

Harvest attendance data

As with company accounts, there’s no room for ambiguity. Collect signed and witnessed confirmations from all potential attendees. Last year’s figures indicate that approximately 12 per cent of attendees will bale out, and a further seven per cent will get lost en route. All figures must be quantifiable to one decimal place and rounded down. ‘Who needs booze when you’re having this much fun?’ you joke. 

Have quantified fun

Now the party can begin in earnest. Having calculated you will take 1.25 hours to consume each of your four 330ml cans of moderately pissy IPA, you can index-link letting your hair down accordingly. Start with some accountancy games to break the ice, such as ‘Pin the upturn on the flowchart’. As the alcohol flows at join in the karaoke with a rendition of Pocket Calculator by Kraftwerk. By the fourth can your probability copping off with someone feels statistically high. Sadly this was the booze talking, and a further audit of the figures reveals you will sing Auld Lang Syne and go home alone.

The morning after

Despite your last drink being a Horlicks, you wake up with a thumping hangover next to your laptop and a crusty taxi receipt you will sponge clean and file. You hang up a new calendar and begin your Financial New Year’s resolution to format a new spreadsheet for the coming year. It’s been a party that will go down in accountancy legend!

The good, sorry, the people of Reform UK have been busy thinking about their summer holidays and how they might make it cheaper for Brits to travel to Europe and win a few votes at the same time. And this is what they came up with, proudly announced by Nigel Farage’s right hand man (at […]

The post Reform UK promised people cheaper European package holidays this summer and ended up schooled into next year appeared first on The Poke.

It’s been said that there’s only one thing worse than Donald Trump, and that’s the feeble-minded lickspittles who enable him to get away with it. Anyway, time now to turn to American secretary of state Marco Rubio, who had a stern word or two for the Iranian regime for spaffing countless billions on its military […]

The post Marco Rubio trolled Iran for spending money on bombs not people and it totally blew up in his face – 17 explosive comebacks appeared first on The Poke.

The Trump administration doesn’t seem to be Pope Leo’s favourite thing – despite him being an American. Pope Leo XIV has a message for Pete Hegseth: “Jesus is the King of Peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, […]

The post JD Vance has written a book about his ‘faith journey’ to Catholicism, and the chinny reckon stretched all the way to Vatican City – 18 top takedowns appeared first on The Poke.

With Donald Trump busy mocking Keir Starmer, Britain’s military and basically the entire country right now for our refusal to join his war on Iran, it might not sound like the ideal time for King Charles to visit the US. And yet here we are, after confirmation yesterday that the monarch would indeed be travelling […]

The post David Dimbleby just gave both barrels to Donald Trump and had Brits everywhere cheering appeared first on The Poke.

Spare a thought, if you will, for Americans coming over to Britain and encountering the peculiar joys of a British kitchen for the first time. Because apparently there are some specific differences – we have switches where they don’t, for example, and we don’t have switches where they do. If we’re doing a terrible job […]

The post An American got confused by the switches in her British kitchen and there was an occasional helpful response amid all the joyous mockery appeared first on The Poke.