SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in São Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. “People think I hate children, but that’s not true—in fact, I love children so much, I’ve decided you can live with me, forever and ever,” the 28-year-old Roan said to the young fan as they sped wildly through the streets of São Paulo in an unmarked van following an incident in which the “Pink Pony Club” singer and a security guard were blasted by soccer star Jorginho Frello on social media. “There are no mean guards in my basement. It’s a good thing you love my voice so much, because it’s the only one you’re going to be hearing for a very, very long time. You’ll get your own private concert from me every single day while I’m shoving applesauce through the slats of your cage, plus we’ll take tons of photos together that detectives can use to try to furiously track down your location.” According to reports, Roan later surprised the 11-year-old with a litany of autographed items, including a vinyl record, a tote bag, and a taunting letter to the police.

The post Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ in NATO, and it’s high time these other countries started stepping up to the plate,” said the commander-in-chief, adding that the mission of ruining the planet for future generations could not be accomplished without the active participation of Europe, Japan, Canada, and other Western-aligned nations. “We need a diverse network of military powers showing up to torment and belittle every person on earth. Every U.S. ally should dedicate at least 3.5% of its GDP to ensuring that its own citizens and foreigners suffer as much pain as humanly possible.” Trump went on to state that unless allied nations began pulling their weight soon, there was a real risk that some of the world’s inhabitants might survive to the end of the decade.

The post Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World appeared first on The Onion.

ATLANTA—Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company’s food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must  be married before becoming a sandwich. “In accordance with Chick-fil-A’s values, the bread used in all our sandwiches—from the jalapeño ranch club to our original classic chicken—are required to be formally joined together in the eyes of God,” said Chick-fil-A CEO Andrew Cathy, telling reporters that fans of their signature entrées could rest easy without having to worry that the freshly made buns on either side of their sandwich were living together in sin. “Our buns are wedded during a one-hour religious ceremony performed each morning by a franchise chaplain and followed by a short reception attended by staff. The result is a beautiful, joyous union of two buns sanctified by the Almighty. And when they are combined with the chicken—which is the child of the two buns—we have a morally upright, God-fearing family of food for customers to enjoy.” Cathy added that starting immediately, Chick-fil-A would begin serving its nuggets in pairs in an effort to “stop whatever freaky stuff they’re all getting up to in that cardboard box.”

The post Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich  appeared first on The Onion.

Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma.

Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law

Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne

Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight

Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul

Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of the Americas

Fighting Style: Brazilian why-I-oughta

Could Pull Off An Earring: You know what? Yeah.

Difference From Noem: Would have killed the dog with bare hands

The post Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin appeared first on The Onion.

Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think?

“I just hope it was safely chucked into the woods.”

Trina Meyer, Gardener’s Apprentice

---

“Airport possums are so overpriced.”

Art Simmons, Silhouette Collector

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“Did it give them a quest?”

Dwayne Brewer, Shell Cleaner

The post Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. — CNN announced a shift in its reporting of the US-Israel war with Iran on Monday, declaring the conflict resolved. In light of this major update, CNN officially called the war for Iran.

RACCOON CITY — Maintaining some semblance of his humanity, a grotesque boss monster located in an underground laboratory helpfully left plenty of health and ammo in the room right before anyone comes to fight him.

U.S. — The Transportation Security Administration announced this morning that it would be ending the practice of performing colonoscopies on travelers at airports around the country in an effort to speed up security lines amidst the ongoing partial government shutdown.

U.S. — Separate from his work as the nation's commander in chief, President Donald Trump announced that he was releasing a line of specialty sympathy cards he had written himself.

With the tug-of-war over funding for the Department of Homeland Security leaving the Transportation Security Administration short on agents, getting through airport security is an even bigger nightmare than before.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

IRAN — As the War in Iran enters its second month, international markets are already feeling the impact of shipments either delayed or altogether prevented from coming through the Strait of Hormuz. But American defense officials stress that the Strait is currently open and will remain open if you aren’t a bitch.

“Iranian mines and missile attacks are a real threat if you’re a pussy,” said U.S. Ambassador to the Middle East Jake Paul. “However, for those ships who are about that life, the Strait remains navigable.”

The Strait of Hormuz — the only maritime passage from the Persian Gulf to the open ocean — remains one of the world’s most critical chokepoints for global energy supply.

Shortly after the war began, Iran seeded the waterway with mines, effectively halting traffic for what Pentagon officials described as “captains with no fucking balls."

“Let me be clear: we did not underestimate Iran,” said Secretary of Warmaxxing Pete Hegseth. “We underestimated the number of tankers that would get sand in their vaginas over getting blown up and sunk.”

International partners have expressed concern over the Pentagon’s apparent lack of a coherent plan to restore normal shipping operations.

“We asked them what the plan was to deal with the mines,” said French Foreign Minister Pierre LePierre. “They told us to 'stop talking about it and to start being about it' with a meme about how everyone is a gangsta until it's time to do gangsta shit.”

The White House defended the approach, saying it is already producing results with ships beginning to show themselves as real ones by attempting to transit the waterway.

“On Tuesday, multiple oil tankers who have that dog in them crossed the Strait,” said Mike Lindell, recently appointed Chief of American Defense Strategy in Iran. “We expect this will lead to additional craft nutting up to reopen this vital supply line.”

Regional experts say ships that have successfully crossed the Strait typically notify Iran in advance that “today is not the day" and that they are not the one. Meanwhile, they advised any craft attacked while passing through the Strait that they should try being a fucking man for once in their goddamned life.

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

A WOMAN has seen a a bag of canine excrement hanging in a hedge and instantly flashed back to her last relationship, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer’s mind was instantly propelled back to her three-year relationship with Tom Booker by the grey biodegradable bag heavy with stinking faeces, which she blames on whoever inconsiderately left it there.

She said: “Look at it. Offending all my senses at once and making me heave just like he did, by the end.

“I’d been doing so well avoiding thinking about him. I wasn’t triggered by walking past our old pubs, I watched Taskmaster without him, and I barely spend one evening a week going through our old WhatsApps. But that dog shit’s brought it all flooding back.

“Tom didn’t have a dog, but something about a discarded bag of foul shite swaying in the breeze is so like him. He also was subject to the laws of gravity and buffeted by wind, and he always loved doing simple chores badly.

“Maybe I should take a photo of it and send it to him? That would be a nice little reminder that I still think of him, can’t see him misinterpreting that.”

Booker said: “She’s got me all wrong. No way would I pick up dog shit.”

THE country is locked in fevered debate between those warning Iran could launch missiles at the UK and those who have replied ‘Nah.’ Where do you stand? 

Iran could strike London tomorrow

This hostile Islamic theocracy has the missiles and the motive. It’s already fired them at Diego Garcia, which is as British as a Suffolk pub. We have no option but to join this war.

Serious? Where are you getting this from? 

Three weeks into the war, no European country willing to get involved, Trump soiling himself about the Strait of Hormuz, and suddenly there’s a big cross-hair over London? Come on, dude. You don’t have to fall for every bollocks claim.

We have no missile defences capable of stopping them

Unlike Israel, Britain has no Iron Dome. We would be defenceless against these attacks, no matter how limited the use of our airbases was. Sending in our warships is prudent.

Oh right, that would make them less likely to attack us would it

‘I see Britain’s joined the war. We won’t fire missiles at them, then.’ Sounds believable. And we’re not going to grow an Iron Dome just because we get belligerent. Also Israel’s Iron Dome appears to have a few holes in it.

They could launch a biological attack on London within 45 minutes

This desperate nation will stop at nothing. They’ve already attacked all their neighbours in the Middle East and we will be next.

Wow, serious 2002 vibes 

All of a sudden I feel like I’m down Camden when it was still cool. You do realise we’ve done this? With Iraq? Nobody believed it, we fought a war anyway, it was later proved to be the bullshit we knew it was? I feel that’s really hurting you here.

Oh no! My contact in Tehran says they’ve just launched a missile!

It’s coming, but Britain can still deflect it with the power of belief in this war! Join hands and chant ‘regime change’!

Chinny reckon

No it hasn’t. Nor is it going to. It’s alright, the war has devastated our entire way of life by putting 30p a litre on diesel, no missiles necessary. Thanks for doing your best to get us into a war with no purpose, no clear ending and no benefit to the UK though.

A MAN on Tinder who appears to be without significant perversions, addictions, commitment issues or a receding hairline is a huge red flag, women have agreed. 

When 28-year-old Hannah Tomlinson matched with 32-year-old Josh Hudson, she was immediately unsettled by his individually-tailored responses and failure to send a dick pic.

She said: “It was like I was talking to a human being, not an AI. So I was creeped out immediately.

“Tall, but he didn’t say ‘6ft cos apparently that matters’. No pictures in Lederhosen or by someone else’s sports car. Zero requests for nudes or feet pics. In every shot he’s fully clothed. My freak siren was screaming.

“Even worse, he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and ‘wants a monogamous relationship’. What unspeakable horror is this concealing? He’ll be asking me to shove a hairbrush up his arse on date one.

“He uses full sentences and correct spelling. How could he possibly be single? This is London. Any halfway normal man is chased by mobs of women the moment he leaves the house.”

Hudson said: “Hannah’s right to be happy. I am in fact a 62-year-old about to interest her in an exciting crypto opportunity.”

A FATHER is furious at his local council about potholes in roads and is apoplectic at the roadworks needed to fix them.

Martin Bishop, aged 61, regularly shares his fury on local Facebook groups about the local authority letting streets run to rack and ruin, but his blood pressure really spikes when stopped by temporary traffic lights.

He continued: “Am I paying my council tax for these jokers to sit on their arses all day, while potholes ruin lives and suspensions?

“Then they turn around and close a main road for two months, adding five minutes to my journey time which adds up. Put it together and over a year I’d be twelve hours late for squash. Is that in any way acceptable?

“People say ‘you’re retired Martin’ and ‘chill out Martin’ and ‘you don’t need to immediately drive to Asda every time we run out of nutmeg Martin’ but that’s not the point. The point is this council has taken up arms in a war against motorists.

“It’s all right for councillors with their free eco-friendly helicopters, but pensioners like me need to use our BMWs to get places. Don’t even get me started on their lunatic policies like ‘bus lanes’ and ‘school zones’.”

Council spokesperson Eleanor Shaw said: “We recognise that potholes and roadworks are a common source of frustration for residents, and invite them to use their f**king brains for two f**king seconds to connect the two.

“Also, we welcome and value Martin’s feedback.”

Despite calling his project Unnecessary Inventions, Matty Benedetto has come up with some niche but arguably necessary products. For example – Rage Quit Protector™️ to stop you smashing your controller in frustration. Via The Stop Snacking Sweater™️ which is self-explanatory. Via The Gator Briefs™️ because he’s legally not allowed to call them Crocs. Via Okay, […]

The post The Unnecessary Inventions Guy’s Lego vacuum may be the most necessary gadget you’ll see today appeared first on The Poke.

Former FBI Director Robert Mueller passed away this weekend. Since Mueller dared to question Donald Trump’s legitimacy, Trump hated Mueller. Since Trump hated Mueller, he celebrated Mueller’s death with a distasteful Truth Social post. This is objectively hideous behavior. The former Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, in particular, took the President to task for […]

The post Donald Trump’s shocking celebration of Robert Mueller’s death sent this old JD Vance clip viral and it strikes at the heart of the double standards of Trump’s White House appeared first on The Poke.

People would do just about anything to avoid waiting in lines at the airport. Except maybe this. White House Border Czar Tom Homan confirmed what crazy person, and US President, Donald Trump blurted out over the weekend: ICE agents are coming to an airport near you. Here’s Homan breaking down why this is a good […]

The post The White House thinks ICE agents are the solution to long American airport lines and Twitter begged to differ appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump continues to play fast and loose with his justifications for the war in Iran and his latest take may be the most eye-opening eyt. Trump proudly defended how hard the US hit Iran in the same breath that he took Iran to task for how they treat protestors. Apparently, the US President thinks […]

The post Donald Trump called Iranian leaders ‘animals’ for killing protestors and it turns out Maga memories are even shorter than we thought appeared first on The Poke.

Scott Bessent has all the credentials to be Donald Trump’s US Treasury Secretary. 1: he appears willing to say and do anything to make his boss look good. 2: that’s it. And nowhere was this more apparent than when Bessent went on air to discuss Trump’s public celebration of the death of former FBI head […]

The post Donald Trump celebrated the death of Robert Mueller and his Treasury Secretary somehow made it worse appeared first on The Poke.