WASHINGTON—In a heated exchange that laid bare a growing schism at the highest levels of Republican leadership, President Donald Trump and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly clashed in the Oval Office Thursday over the question of where they were, with McConnell insisting they were at church and Trump maintaining with increasing irritation that they were on “my beautiful airplane” or, at other times, “my beautiful golf course.”
According to White House sources, the confrontation began shortly after the 84-year-old former Senate Republican leader entered the Oval Office, looked around the room, and commented, “Looks like we’re early for the Easter service.” Trump, who had spent the previous few minutes poking the wall in an effort to press the flight-attendant call button, is said to have taken offense at McConnell’s remark and told him to stop undermining the party line by claiming they were in a chapel when they were “clearly on the fairway of one of [his] golf courses.” The president then reportedly gestured toward a grandfather clock and introduced it as his caddy, Peter.
Sources confirmed the long-tenured senator doubled down on his stance that they were in a church by loudly singing the hymn “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” only to be drowned out by Trump repeatedly shouting “Fore!” while swinging around the briefcase containing the nuclear codes. Tensions later cooled when McConnell froze up and stared off blankly for several minutes and Trump fell asleep atop the Resolute desk.
After aides managed to stir the GOP leaders from their respective stupors, the pair appeared to resolve their differences, cordially shaking one another’s hands and smiling, with McConnell saying, “It’s an honor to finally meet you, Mr. President,” and Trump replying, “Yes, I am the president. Who are you?”
MILWAUKEE—Accusing the actress of a grotesque act that showed profound insensitivity, Kate Hudson found herself under fire Thursday for performing in Wisconsinface for her most recent film, Song Sung Blue. “It’s so insulting to see someone who’s obviously never been anywhere near cheese curds or a Friday night fish fry do this hurtful caricature of us,” said Kenosha resident Paul Wade, adding that a Wisconsin native like Heather Graham or Rachel Brosnahan could easily have been cast in the role without causing offense. “I’m not saying she wanted to belittle us, but when you see Goldie Hawn’s daughter wearing a Packers jacket, you can’t help but think you’re being made fun of. If Wisconsin were better represented in Hollywood—with more people from Oshkosh and Sheboygan making decisions—this probably never would’ve happened.” Wade conceded, however, that Hudson did do some justice to her portrayal of the Wisconsin tradition of showing up to work after drinking since 7 p.m. the previous night.
WASHINGTON—Maintaining that his conduct was well within the guidelines for the solemn occasion, President Trump on Thursday defended his decision to wear a fruit hat while samba dancing during the dignified transfer of soldiers killed in Iran. “There’s no reason I can’t honor the sacrifice of these brave men and women while wearing a headdress piled high with bananas, oranges, and papayas,” said Trump, adding that only a corrupt media desperate to attack him would fault a president for clapping and shimmying in six-inch platform heels as the flag-draped caskets were carried past en route to their final resting place. “In fact, the parents of one of the deceased came up to me and said how moved they were to see me hop up on their son’s coffin lid and rapidly pulsate my hips for an unforgettable ‘Chica Chica Boom Chic’ number. They said their son would be proud to see me twirling on his remains, so who cares what other people think?” Trump went on to state that his choreography still wasn’t perfect but that he would have many more dignified transfers to get it just right.
Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track.
NEW YORK, NY — Heaven rejoiced today after a Jewish man accepted Jesus and converted to Christianity. Sources confirmed that the man was converted thanks to the powerful witness of an X user who proclaimed, "Christ is King, you filthy money-grubbin' Jew."
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uncharacteristically rotund Pete Hegseth held a press conference to deny having any knowledge of what happened to all the leftover lobster that had been procured for the troops.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google announced an update for its popular Google Maps application that would automatically subtract an hour from travel time if it knows a dad is driving.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Democrats voted to expel Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman on Thursday after their repeated warnings for him to stop supporting America were ignored.
MILWAUKEE, WI — Local man Ed Clayfield reportedly saved himself an extended period of suffering by hiring members of the Academy Awards Orchestra to perform the "Wrap It Up" music whenever his wife's stories go too long.
This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!
The last book in the Harry Potter series may have come out almost 20 years ago, but the Wizarding World universe remains alive and well if its author has anything to say about it: JK Rowling just revealed that Voldemort came back to life, used a spell to lift Will Smith’s 10-year Oscar ban, and then died again.
So, so amazing. Every Harry Potter fan in the world has the chills right now!
JK Rowling delivered the incredible update on X:
How awesome is this?! The Harry Potter universe is simply the gift that keeps on giving. Looks like we’ll be seeing Will Smith at the Oscars this Sunday after all, because Voldemort’s final spell erased all the consequences he faced for slapping Chris Rock. If you love JK Rowling’s magical book series, please head to her X account to thank her for sharing such an exciting secret about the Wizarding World!
Have a vasectomy coming up? Odds are, you have a reservation at Texas Roadhouse for around the same time. While the two have always gone hand in hand, the steakhouse’s servers have never celebrated male birth control surgery like they do birthdays…until now: Texas Roadhouse just announced that they’ve written a song for waitstaff to sing to men who are celebrating a recent vasectomy.
Finally! It took too damn long for Texas Roadhouse to step up here, but better late than never!
Starting today, men who get vasectomies within seven days of dining at Texas Roadhouse will be honored with the same lively experience that Texas Roadhouse offers to people celebrating birthdays. That means vasectomized men will be sat on a saddle, where they may wave a napkin in the air while servers chant, clap, and sing a Texas Roadhouse original song called “Happy Vasectomy!” before serving the lucky patron one (1) scoop of ice cream.
To drum up hype for the vasectomy celebration experience, Texas Roadhouse released a preview of their “Happy Vasectomy!” song. Check it out below!
Amazing. Worth the wait, Texas Roadhouse fans? Yes, or yes?
“Texas Roadhouse has always been to vasectomies what Chuck E. Cheese is to children’s birthday parties, we’re just making it official,” explained Texas Roadhouse CEO Gerald L. Morgan in a press statement announcing the vasectomy celebration experience. “Our sincere apologies that it took us so long to celebrate vasectomies the way they deserve to be celebrated. We really cared about getting this right, and I’m proud to say our restaurant’s vasectomy celebration is a memorable, fun experience you won’t find anywhere else.”
It just goes to show that a little ingenuity can go a long way in making a newly sterilized man’s steak dinner one he’ll never forget. Props to you, Texas Roadhouse!
Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.
What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her.
In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.
You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?
Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.
Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?
The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.
Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.
When former president Barack Obama hinted during a recent interview that the government may have proof of extraterrestrials, President Trump seized the opportunity to use it as a distraction from the ongoing fallout from the Epstein files, promising to declassify government secrets surrounding alien life and UFOs. But a familiar pattern has emerged: As of today, Trump has declassified the government’s files on aliens and UFOs, but the DOJ redacted all the parts where he molested the aliens.
How does he keep getting away with this? This is the Epstein Files 2.0.
According to unnamed sources inside the government who have seen the unredacted files, Trump’s name has been removed thousands of times from documents describing his sexual abuse of multiple aliens, some as young as 324 years old. The documents describe trips by Trump and other powerful politicians, CEOs, and celebrities, all of whose names have been carefully redacted from the massive dump of 2.3 million emails, to visit a government facility known as “Alien Trim Island” where many of the disturbing events took place.
According to those who have viewed the documents, one particularly graphic description which has been completely redacted from the public release describes how Trump, while receiving a massage from an ethereal being covered in glowing tendrils, repeatedly groped the creature in its zorftar region, commenting, “I’ve never felt a zorftar that sandy!” Adding to the injustice, while powerful men’s names have been redacted in an apparent attempt to shield them from accountability, many of the alien victims’ names, such as Xoc-Xoc 112 and Yaldisss Pyaria, have not been censored due to apparent sloppiness by the DOJ.
Yep. It’s clear the DOJ is basically just Trump’s private protection agency at this point.
While it’s definitely fascinating to know that the government is in contact with aliens and that they are all being molested on a remote island somewhere here on Earth, until these files are released in their unredacted form, we’ll never know which powerful men have engaged in abusive behavior with extraterrestrial life. Justice for Xoc-Xoc 112!
In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.
"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”
THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.
“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”
While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”
Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”
“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok.
“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”
When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.
WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.
While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.
The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.
Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.
"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."
Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.
USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS Breault has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.
"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that."
Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.
"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families."
Mercy’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”
“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”
Reports from the Mercy’s crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.”
Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection.
“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS McFaul. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”
Several torpedomen aboard the USS Breault have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis.
“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne.
The “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections.
Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”
After being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.
🖊️
Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, I read your emails, even that one with the thing.
"It's like no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, the United States just won't commit to pivoting to us," said Chinese Minister of National Defense Adm. Dong Jun. "I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all."
America’s rivals in the Pacific have long sought to attract the U.S. military’s eye. But aside from an occasional National Defense Strategy and a cyber attack or two, the Pacific has consistently played second fiddle to the hotter, more exotic Middle East.
"I flash my nuclear weapons on a monthly basis, but I can't get so much as an airstrike," North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said. "Even when I text pics of my long, thick ICBMs to the secretary of defense, I get left unread."
For over 15 years — even in the midst of active conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan — the U.S. military has touted its desire to shift focus to the Pacific. But now U.S. INDOPACOM analysts fear that with war reigniting in the Middle East, it could be decades before the country considers pivoting to the Pacific again. Resources that were once allocated toward scuba diving, surfing, and whatever else troops stationed in the Pacific do are already being redirected to the Persian Gulf.
"We have the best beaches, the best weather, and you get to be stationed in Hawaii," one INDOPACOM intelligence analyst said. "Why we keep going to war in rugged desert hellholes is beyond me."
Despite these setbacks, America's Pacific enemies remain hopeful they still have a chance to one day be the U.S.'s primary region of focus.
"She'll come running back. She always does," Dong said. "It'll just take a 10-year quagmire and a trillion dollars or so."
🖊️
Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.
MORE and more places are welcoming dogs these days, but society still has a long way to go. Here are just six of the places I should obviously be allowed to take my gorgeous little fur baby.
Restaurants
Dogs are social creatures and they love to eat, so really a restaurant is the perfect place for them. If you’ve got a problem with my dog begging, drooling and sniffing your crotch while you enjoy dinner, that sounds like a you problem. Perhaps you should eat at home so my little angel doesn’t have to experience your dog-hating.
Your child’s birthday party
I don’t have a child. I have a dog. But why should that exclude me from your infant son’s birthday festivities? My labrador may be largely untrained and absolutely enormous, but he’ll have a blast hurtling around with your two-year-old and his mates. Just tell them not to get too rowdy as he is very easily startled.
The theatre
Just because my dog doesn’t speak English doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate the magic of theatre. And yes, perhaps he will run onto the stage and try to mount the cast – but that’s just how he expresses that he enjoyed the performance. He can’t exactly clap, can he?
An intensive care ward
I can already hear the protests – ‘But I’m critically ill!’ and ‘I’m in a coma!’. Well I’m sorry, but Milo is a curious little guy and there are lots of interesting things for him to smell in here. Plus, he absolutely loves chewing all the wires and tubes. If you saw how happy he’d be gnawing on a catheter you’d think twice about excluding him from your precious ward.
A funeral
Look, I’m sorry that a large portion of your aunt’s eulogy could not be heard because my dog was barking. But it’s not his fault. He saw a squirrel outside.
A nuclear submarine
Some people think bringing a dog aboard a cramped vessel packed with weapons of mass destruction is a bad idea. They say things like ‘It’s an extreme security risk’ and ‘How did you even get on board?’ But Milo just loves to explore new places and he won’t be any bother. If he accidentally launches a Trident missile and triggers a world war while chasing a tennis ball that seems like a design fault.
INSPIRATIONALLY, I spent last night watching man-on-man romance and writing breathless fan fiction about it. Because I am a woman and my sexuality is radical.
When I watch two men kissing passionately before tearing each other’s clothes off and giving head, that isn’t just hot. That’s a political act which reclaims the male body through a lens of queered feminism. Yes, I masturbate. Progressively.
But for the man I’m dating – I also date women, obviously, I am unfettered by societal expectations – to believe it is equivalent to his watching girl-on-girl porn? That is joltingly ignorant and sums up why men are bad.
‘No,’ I told him, ‘what you are doing is voyeuristic and the male gaze. Female sexuality is not a performance for capitalism to commodify. You shouldn’t be turned on, but cowed by the power of goddesses. Actually you shouldn’t even be allowed to imagine it.’
‘But,’ he said, ‘how’s that different? Because Heated Rivalry’s on Sky Atlantic. That’s pretty commodified.’
‘Don’t try to police my wild, wilful sensuality,’ I replied. ‘It’s qualitatively different because it’s men. It’s taboo. It lives, and thrives, outside of society’s strictures. And for it to be one of my sexual triggers? Shows I am an ally to my very core.
‘But you watching lesbian porn which by its very name is for lesbians and you’re not? Intrusive. Reducing women to objects. Even getting a stiffy at the bit where Sarah Michelle Gellar and Reese Witherspoon kiss in Cruel Intentions makes you a fascist.’
‘Right,’ he said, devastated by the sheer rhetorical heft of my arguments. ‘Actually, one time when we were high, me and my mate Zack, the personal trainer? We made out.’
‘Trick him into doing it again,’ I told him, ‘and I’ll hide and watch through a little window while I get myself off. Also can I film it to show it off to my mates? Progressively.’
DO you sometimes have to ensure your elderly parents attend a family event, keep a doctor’s appointment or simply come to visit? Here is the painful process step-by-step.
1. Have they remembered they’re going? No. Your inward groans begin.
2. Discussion of weather. Yes, it could rain on the way to your car at the top of their drive. And gloves would be wise. It’s mild right now but it could suddenly turn into Hoth.
3. Use of toilet suggested. Debated for much longer than it takes to have a wee, or attempt to. Suggestion rejected.
4. They appear to be taking a long time to get ready. You go upstairs and discover they haven’t started yet. They are looking at a fly in the bedroom.
5. Putting on coats. Somehow takes seven minutes. They’ve only got two arms.
6. Actually they will go to the toilet. Urge to shout ‘For f**k’s sake!’ resisted by not wanting to give your mum the excuse to pretend to be shocked as if it’s the 1950s.
7. You point out the time. It is meaningless to them since they live in a timeless void known as ‘retirement’.
8. Key-carrying responsibility discussed. Dad will lock the doors, but Mum will transport the house keys in her handbag. Which has also been confirmed to contain lip balm and tissues. Glad all that’s cleared up.
9. Unnecessary task performed, eg. washing-up. Yes, four unwashed mugs and two plates with scone crumbs on will be swarming with rats and cockroaches if left for two hours.
10. Door exited and locked. The stress thus far has taken six weeks off your life.
11. Check that door is locked. It is. Luckily the lock is designed not to randomly unlock itself.
12. Second check that door is locked. Sizewell B has fewer failsafe procedures.
13. Open bathroom window noticed. Dad goes back inside to prevent doll-sized burglar getting in. All previous door steps repeated.
14. Stopping on way to car. An urgent inspection of a flowerbed is required. Geraniums confirmed to exist. No further action necessary at this point.
15. Chat with neighbour. Sadly it appears Mrs Brown’s husband is still dead.
16. Seatbelt torture. The silver bit goes into the buckle clearly designed for that, so why does your dad appear to be fighting an octopus? Haven’t retracting seatbelts been around since the 1980s?
17. Journey begins. Request to go back and get travel sweets denied for 12-minute drive.
18. (If walking) Stop to look at something utterly uninteresting. Eg. unspectacular fallen branch, minor scaffolding project, the incredible coincidence of a neighbour having the same car as one of your relatives. You pray you will somehow never get old.
19. Realisation that one has forgotten their glasses. Yes, your mother failed to notice that everything had turned into a large fuzzy blob. You must return home. All progress is undone. You want to cry.
A MAN is completely fine with his girlfriend sharing graphic details of her many previous sexual exploits, he has claimed.
Jack Browne vehemently insists he is not emasculated by piecing together references to hookups, adventurous sexual positions and racy scenarios that partner Lauren Hewitt has previously enjoyed.
He said: “I’m not insecure. It’ll take more than Lauren telling me about erotic revelations I played no part in to faze me.
“So what if she had some of the best sex of her life with a tanned, well-hung stud on her 2018 holiday to Greece? That was before we even met, so it would be unreasonable for me to obsess over it and feel deeply, deeply inadequate.
“And who cares that, according to my calculations, her body count is around 50? As a sex-positive feminist I say good for her for shagging dozens more people than me. I’m more about quality than quantity anyway.
“Nor do I mind Lauren casually slipping in oblique references to her sexual experiences when we’re with friends. Actually it’s considerate. She knows I’ll get bored if she gives me a detailed breakdown of every bloke and why they were a worse lover than me.”
Hewitt said: “It’s such a relief to know Jack doesn’t feel threatened. Now I can drop intriguing hints about that gangbang I never told him about.”
He’s at it again. Nobel Peace Prize-stealing President Donald Trump can’t help but spread peace everywhere he goes. Trump went on a local news broadcast in Cincinnati, OH when he reminded everyone about how great he is. He ticked off all of the usual talking points about how no one has ever had a better […]
Despite the fact that we now have a wider pool than ever of people to choose from, dating seems to get increasingly more difficult. If you’re looking for love, you have to kiss (or refuse to kiss) a lot of frogs before you find someone you really like. They’ve been bemoaning the difficulties of modern […]
Breaking news: Donald Trump is smart. (Source: Donald Trump.) The President of the United States is currently overseeing a spreading, deadly international conflict that he started; a tanking job market in America; rising prices for everything everywhere; and so much more. So it’s a perfect time for him to remind us all how superior he […]
Chances are you know some basic survival tips, but what are you going to do if you find yourself in a dangerous situation? And will the advice you’ve picked up actually help? To help separate fact from fiction, DraftNo7139 decided to turn to the experts. And they did this by posing the following question to […]
Ah, school days. Best days of your life, right? Well, no, not really. Whoever came up with that saying was not speaking for the majority of people who grow up and realise how great life actually can be when you’re finally the master of your own destiny. They’ve been chatting about the tyranny of teachers […]
