WASHINGTON—Scratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didn’t love about the baby name “Rohit.” “I like where you’re going with it for sure, it’s just, uh, I was thinking we’d go with something a little more, I don’t know, modern?” said Vance, who frowned and nodded slowly as his pregnant wife threw out several alternative suggestions, including “Arun,” “Vrishank,” “Jeevan,” and “Hassan.” “Hear me out, what about ‘Theodore?’ Now that’s an interesting name. If you really love ‘Rohit,’ we could use it as his middle name. Not on the birth certificate or anything, but like a secret, family-only middle name.” Vance went on to add that he always thought the name “Donald” had a nice ring to it.

The post JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn’t Love About Baby Name ‘Rohit’ appeared first on The Onion.

Tommy’s parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so he’s inviting the whole class over to open his dad’s liquor cabinet. You in?

Reference #15937

The post Tommy’s Parents Are Out Of Town, Let’s Party appeared first on The Onion.

The couple’s Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future.

The post Jason Schaible and Erica Finch appeared first on The Onion.

Dozens of former employees accused Danish chef René Redzepi, who co-founded Noma, widely regarded as one of the best restaurants in the world, of inflicting physical and psychological violence on the staff for years. What do you think?

“First they said you can’t kiss your employees, now they say you can’t punch your employees. Make up your minds.”

Jonah Saunders, Lounge Crooner

---

“But I was assured the servers were grass-fed!”

Adam Duryea, Bribe Tracker

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“It’s a high-stakes job. People’s Instagram photos are on the line.”

Jacqueline Griffiths, Knife Juggler

The post Founder Of Noma Restaurant Faces Abuse Allegations appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE—Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. “Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners,” said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five or six beers barely cracked the 50th percentile of heavy drinkers she’d dated. “Sure, he likes to have a good time and enjoy a few drinks when he’s out with friends or home alone, but he always climbs into bed by sunrise or so, even if he’s still dressed in all his clothes and sometimes his shoes. Plus, he has a job, and I don’t think they’d let someone who had a real drinking problem work in a bar.” Heston went on to add that her boyfriend didn’t have much time for partying anyway on account of his drug habit.

The post Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK, NY — As giant mutant spiders attacked the Big Apple, many concerned experts across the country expressed worry that the giant attacking spiders could lead to a substantial increase in hateful arachnophobia.

While many American Evangelicals often lose sight of it, the reality is that there are still places throughout the world where it is dangerous to live as a Christian. But where are the most dangerous places?

Put away your Alphabet Blocks and get ready to live. Peek-a-Boo is an advanced game of trickery; an unpredictable mind game that shocks the mind and senses. Once you play it, nothing will be the same again.

U.S. — CNN reported this morning that several Japanese teenagers traveled to Hawaii for what could have been a lovely day at the beach.

TEHRAN — Amid rumors that the newly chosen Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei had been injured in an airstrike, the Iranian regime issued a statement warning the U.S. that it had a huge stockpile of supreme leaders.

Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.

What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her. 

In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.

You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?

Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.

Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?

The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.

Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.

When former president Barack Obama hinted during a recent interview that the government may have proof of extraterrestrials, President Trump seized the opportunity to use it as a distraction from the ongoing fallout from the Epstein files, promising to declassify government secrets surrounding alien life and UFOs. But a familiar pattern has emerged: As of today, Trump has declassified the government’s files on aliens and UFOs, but the DOJ redacted all the parts where he molested the aliens. 

How does he keep getting away with this? This is the Epstein Files 2.0. 

According to unnamed sources inside the government who have seen the unredacted files, Trump’s name has been removed thousands of times from documents describing his sexual abuse of multiple aliens, some as young as 324 years old. The documents describe trips by Trump and other powerful politicians, CEOs, and celebrities, all of whose names have been carefully redacted from the massive dump of 2.3 million emails, to visit a government facility known as “Alien Trim Island” where many of the disturbing events took place. 

According to those who have viewed the documents, one particularly graphic description which has been completely redacted from the public release describes how Trump, while receiving a massage from an ethereal being covered in glowing tendrils, repeatedly groped the creature in its zorftar region, commenting, “I’ve never felt a zorftar that sandy!” Adding to the injustice, while powerful men’s names have been redacted in an apparent attempt to shield them from accountability, many of the alien victims’ names, such as Xoc-Xoc 112 and Yaldisss Pyaria, have not been censored due to apparent sloppiness by the DOJ. 

Yep. It’s clear the DOJ is basically just Trump’s private protection agency at this point. 

While it’s definitely fascinating to know that the government is in contact with aliens and that they are all being molested on a remote island somewhere here on Earth, until these files are released in their unredacted form, we’ll never know which powerful men have engaged in abusive behavior with extraterrestrial life. Justice for Xoc-Xoc 112!

If you were hoping to read some uplifting news today, get ready to smile, because one of Hollywood’s biggest icons has shared an absolutely heartwarming update about their personal life: Whoopi Goldberg just announced that she has received a brand new email.

Congratulations, Whoopi!!! How incredibly exciting that must be for her!

In a video posted to her official Instagram page earlier today, Whoopi Goldberg revealed that she woke up to discover her Gmail inbox had a very exciting notification waiting to be discovered: a completely new, unread email, just for her. The famed EGOT winner and The View host expressed how she felt overwhelmingly grateful for the opportunity to have a new email to read, and that it’s been one of the greatest blessings she’s experienced in life. Not wanting to take the email for granted, Whoopi said that she plans to open it when the time feels right, explaining that “most people wait a lifetime for something as wonderful as a new email, so I want to appreciate every moment of this experience.”

“Receiving a new email seems like something that only happens in the movies—but it’s not the movies, it’s my life, and by the grace of God, I’ve been fortunate enough to have a new email happen to me,” Goldberg continued in the video, wiping away tears of joy as she held up an iPad displaying her Gmail inbox for viewers to see her new email. “Whatever the email says doesn’t matter. I may decide to share that information with you. I may not. Merely receiving it has already changed my life. It’s like I was seeing the world in black-and-white my whole life, and getting this new email finally let me see the world in color for the very first time. For now, all I’ll say is that the email was sent by someone named HelloFresh.” 

“If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that you never know when your Gmail inbox might surprise you with a small miracle such as an email. It happened to me, and it could happen to you too. Never give up hope. In life, when the going gets tough, remember that there are so many reasons to stay optimistic, like email.”

We’re literally ugly crying right now. We couldn’t be happier for Whoopi! Make sure to hop on social media and congratulate Whoopi on her new email today, because, well, this is simply as amazing as it gets. If anyone deserves something as exciting as a new email, it’s Whoopi Goldberg! You go, Whoopi!!!

This is such a huge win for indecisive people. If you haven’t decided whether you want a receipt for gas or not, this gas pump will let you select ‘maybe’ to reflect your uncertainty. We hope this option comes to gas pumps everywhere sometime soon!

Well folks, as if you needed another thing to worry about, here is something very concerning: This bottle of pills in an Asian grocery store just has the word “DIARRHEA” in the Matrix font above a picture of Keanu Reeves in sunglasses. 

Yikes. Who exactly is buying these pills, and…why?

Even a close examination of this highly questionable product found on the shelves of Asia Mart in Cincinnati, Ohio reveals very little useful information about what horrific purpose these pills could be meant for. The poorly printed graphics and low-quality label only make the product seem sketchier, and outside of the word “DIARRHEA” on the front, the only other English on the entire bottle are the words, “The time has came,” on the back next to a picture of the Predator. While there are some additional Asian characters below the English text, five different online translators were unable to recognize what language this could be. And at $16 for 4 giant pills, this definitely isn’t just some run-of-the-mill herbal diarrhea cure. Its packaging seems to imply some sort of diarrhea journey, perhaps one that makes the user feel as if they’ve been sucked into an adventure in a strange, computer-generated alternate reality.

Um yeah, we don’t want to narc on anyone, but we might be calling the health department here. 

Look, people are free to experiment with whatever substances they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, but this…this is definitely hurting someone. We feel like we need to buy all of this stuff just to make sure no one else takes it—but who knows if we might be tempted by Keanu’s outstretched hand promising whatever mind-melting diarrhea experience these might offer. There may be no way to keep the world safe from whatever it is these pills do.

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS Breault has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.

"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that."

Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.

"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families."

Mercy’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”

“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”

Reports from the Mercy’s crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” 

Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. 

“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS McFaul. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”

Several torpedomen aboard the USS Breault have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. 

“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. 

The “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. 

Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”

After being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.

WASHINGTON — Following the commencement of renewed U.S. military operations in the Middle East, defense experts lamented that the Pacific was once again not pivoted to.

"It's like no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, the United States just won't commit to pivoting to us," said Chinese Minister of National Defense Adm. Dong Jun. "I'm starting to think America doesn't care about Great Power Competition at all."

America’s rivals in the Pacific have long sought to attract the U.S. military’s eye. But aside from an occasional National Defense Strategy and a cyber attack or two, the Pacific has consistently played second fiddle to the hotter, more exotic Middle East. 

"I flash my nuclear weapons on a monthly basis, but I can't get so much as an airstrike," North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said. "Even when I text pics of my long, thick ICBMs to the secretary of defense, I get left unread."

For over 15 years — even in the midst of active conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan — the U.S. military has touted its desire to shift focus to the Pacific. But now U.S. INDOPACOM analysts fear that with war reigniting in the Middle East, it could be decades before the country considers pivoting to the Pacific again. Resources that were once allocated toward scuba diving, surfing, and whatever else troops stationed in the Pacific do are already being redirected to the Persian Gulf.

"We have the best beaches, the best weather, and you get to be stationed in Hawaii," one INDOPACOM intelligence analyst said. "Why we keep going to war in rugged desert hellholes is beyond me."

Despite these setbacks, America's Pacific enemies remain hopeful they still have a chance to one day be the U.S.'s primary region of focus.

"She'll come running back. She always does," Dong said. "It'll just take a 10-year quagmire and a trillion dollars or so."

EVERY arsehole you have the misfortune to speak to now aggressively calls you ‘buddy’, Britain has confirmed. 

The twats, who can work in any field from vehicle repair to fencing installation, now automatically add ‘buddy’ to their verbal interactions while making it clear it is in no way friendly.

Julian Cook of Stevenage said: “When a man greets you with the salutation, ‘alright buddy?’ it is natural to assume fellow feeling. Natural and wrong.

“In my experience, the next stage will be to tell you you cannot park there, or this particular meadow would be an unwise place to walk through with children as he is exercising his pit bulls, or the quote he gave over the phone was ‘provisional’.

“What happened to calling someone ‘mate’ or ‘pal’ to be hostile? Why has rampant Americanism changed our language so ‘buddy’ is the new codeword of belligerence, spat out rapidly at the end of sentences designed to dishearten?

“You are not genuine when you call me ‘buddy’. We are not ‘buds’. I am not fooled. Though obviously I will continue to be polite and play along.”

Heat pump maintenance engineer Stephen Malley said: “Yeah looks like a bird’s nested in it. That’s gonna run you about three grand buddy.”

LONDON is the most dangerous place in the country according to your mother who last visited in 1981 for the Royal Wedding. This is what she thinks happens there: 

Your phone will get stolen

Every resident of London has their phone stolen by youths on e-bikes at least five times a day. It’s in the Mail. Statistically, that means your phone will be snatched within 28 seconds of getting off the train then twice again before lunch. You’d be much better visiting somewhere safer, like Banbury or Dubai.

You’ll encounter a migrant

Not that there’s anything wrong with migrants, of course. They’re perfectly welcome to seek refuge in London so long as they stay there. It’s just they sell vapes and aren’t qualified to cut hair and I don’t understand why they can’t be migrants in their own country. It would save them the trouble of crossing the Channel.

You’ll commit knife crime

They’re all at it: wealth managers, PR girls, Tube drivers. Everyone in London indulges in knife crime on a daily basis. Honestly, before you’ve got to Cockfosters you’ll find a big deadly blade in your coat pocket and a burning desire to use it. Do you really want to stab someone just for having the wrong postcode when you could stay here in Uttoxeter?

You’ll question your entire identity

London is a diverse, multi-cultural melting pot, and worse they think that’s normal. Even just a day trip to the Big Smoke can have you reassessing whether you’re heterosexual or need to mix race. And the evidence shows that makes property prices go through the absolute roof.

You’ll get gentrified

You as you are? Not good enough for fancy Londoners. They’ll tear down your charming, homely features and replace them with a soulless glass-and-steel construction too expensive for anyone who isn’t a finance wanker to enjoy. Bad enough, but when you come back here you’ll look terribly out-of-place and your friends will rightly bully you.

PRESIDENT Trump’s already-won Iran war is suffering some minor difficulties related the Strait of Hormuz cutting off global oil supplies. Which isn’t his fault, because: 

He was attacking Iran, not the sea around Iran

When you bomb a country, you’re bombing a country. Only an idiot would say ‘what about this bit over here full of water? Is that a threat to us?’ And Trump, the greatest military strategist any New York realtor has ever been, is no idiot. That’s why he didn’t say ‘brief me on the sea. Is it wet?’

For a supposed strait it’s very bendy

Also, a strait should be straight. That’s just common sense. This so-called strait has, as any map would show, a near-hairpin bend in it. It is very inaccurately named so even if Trump had been warned about the risk of Iran crippling the world economy by closing it, he would have assumed it was about somewhere else.

The Suez Canal is, it turns out, on the other side

Nobody ever explained there was more than one gulf. And it turns out the one with the escape route to the Mediterranean which the British used to control until they threw themselves into a stupid unwinnable Middle Eastern war is on the west side. While this gulf, the Persian Gulf, on the east where Iran is? Kind of a dead end.

Conceding Iran has strategic advantages is what losers do

Presidents before Trump listened to generals with knowledge of the region in question and ended up so befuddled by facts they were afraid to even start wars. Trump, accustomed to greatness, wasn’t about to let that happen to him. Therefore whenever anyone brought up loser stuff about Iran’s impregnable mountains and control of straits? Dismissed.

Who even takes ships anyway? 

Trump certainly doesn’t, having flown exclusively on private jets since 1983, and nor do any of the Arabian leaders and royals he is close friends with. Naturally he assumed they’d long since moved on from the archaic practice of transporting oil by sea and instead were flying it everywhere. After all, it’s not heavy like coal.

He assumed he could just bomb a route out

Ships stuck? Not when you’ve got the world’s most powerful military at your disposal. Creating a new shipping channel using airstrikes will be as simple as drawing a line on the map and saying ‘bomb there’. Except apparently not, according to the nations whose land it is. It’s them, and Iran, who’ve made this whole thing impossible. Not Trump.

YOUNG people worldwide are now obsessed with emulating the cultural habits of the Scots, it has emerged. 

‘Scottishmaxxing’ has blown up on TikTok, with teenagers from around the world washing a Lorne sausage down with Irn Bru and spending evenings binging Take The High Road while sipping Speyside single malts.

Joshua Hudson of Los Angeles said: “You’ve met me at a very Scotch time in my life. Notice the accent. 100 per cent Shrek.

“Yesterday I completely Scotmogged my pal Ryan when I wore a ‘bunnet’ like Jack from Still Game, no cap. He tried to kilt me out but was in a bogus unregistered tartan.

“He thought he had Connery rizz but looked like a chud with his Nicola Sturgeon lid. He actually thought it was bussin’ – what an ‘eejit’. Or should I say ‘weapon’.”

Despite having never set foot in the nation, Joshua has hired a tutor for his Glaswegian accent and often wanders his Bel Air neighbourhood in a shell suit while holding a bottle of tonic wine, just like a real Scotsman.

He continued: “Mom – sorry, ‘Mam’ told me to speak American. I said ‘I’m gonnae no’ dae that,’ and carried on watching a vintage Billy Connolly VHS that cost me $200 to import. I am also developing an interest in the Krankies.”

Genuine Scot Bill McKay responded to the trend by saying, “Aw for f**k’s sake, those Yank f**ks can get tae f**k,” which is thought to indicate his wholehearted approval.

NETFLIX have ended their partnership with Meghan Markle after her show failed to be a compelling glimpse of her life or even her jam. These are the leaked emails: 

17/1/26: Further to our earlier email, we feel watching you place fruit on a plate and call it a ‘fruit rainbow’ is poor value for $100 million. Or for $100. Could you try to be less lame and vapid? And stop putting ‘edible flower sprinkles’ on everything? Nobody does that.

22/1/26: We’d assumed Harry would be in the show a lot more, as in at all. An insight into your glamorous but pressured Royal/celebrity lives was part of the pitch. Instead we’ve seen him three times, once from the back. Can he be in it more, please? Not to be rude, but what the f**k else is he doing?

3/2/26: On reflection we feel that basing the show around jam-making was a flawed idea. Also audiences enjoy conflict and peril, so could you have a screaming row with your husband? Perhaps try saying ‘what even is the point of you now you’re not Royal’ or ‘bad enough you’re ginger but now you’re bald?’ Just anything that rings true.

13/2/26: Sorry, but we feel that making ‘lavender towels’ by infusing a towel with lavender-scented steam is not behaviour conversant with sanity. Please focus on crafts that could appeal to a normal member of the public. We can have one sent over.

20/2/26: We have your ratings, and they’re not good. To break it down and make it more granular, they’re f**king awful. Some test quotes: ‘Why has she never met any of the low-level celebrities she introduces as friends?’ ‘Is this even her house?’ and ‘Would it hurt to show a little cleavage? She wasn’t averse when she was in bloody Suits’. 

26/2/26: Thank you for your last email. We were not expecting you to be so angry about disappointing jam sales, or for you to propose the show be even more jam-focused than previously. Your suggestion we ‘CGI’ you into our Oscar-nominated movies Frankenstein and Train Dreams ‘offering jam to the protagonists’ will be considered.

5/3/26: We regret to inform you we will not commission further seasons of With Love, Meghan. Obviously this is a blow to all of us who invested time, effort and love in it, a group which does not include you, but it will be an enormous relief not to watch an overprivileged woman drying flowers in a microwave like it’s f**king rocket science.

9/3/26: Dear Princess of Wales, we would love to move forward with your proposed lifestyle show. Our viewers yearn to learn more about lavender towels and edible flower sprinkles.

Chances are if you had high hopes for Keir Starmer when he entered Downing Street he almost ceraitnly hasn’t met them. And if you had low expectations, he probably hasn’t met those either. But whatever you think of Starmer his evisceration of Kemi Badenoch over her Iran war reverse ferret was a win for the […]

The post You don’t have to like Keir Starmer to appreciate his A++ takedown of Kemi Badenoch’s Iran war reverse ferret appeared first on The Poke.

Erika Kirk continues to invade our timelines and this latest announcement is setting off even more fireworks than usual. The White House’s latest DEI hire has been appointed to serve on a key advisory board of the US Air Force Academy. Here are Kirk’s credentials: 1) She married a straight white man with a podcast […]

The post Erika Kirk has been appointed as a ‘special advisor’ to the US Air Force and fact checkers everywhere just turned in their resignations appeared first on The Poke.

According to White House insiders, Donald Trump has a generous streak. It’s not as difficult to believe as you’d think, once you realise that his generosity is confined to giving gifts of the same Florsheim shoes he wears to the men in his cohort, so that all the ‘boys’ can look like the saddest gang […]

The post Marco Rubio wore ill-fitting shoes that Trump had given him, and Derek Guy’s subtle burn said it all without actual words appeared first on The Poke.

To the world – briefly – of Andrew Tate, who’s back in Dubai (or, at least, trying to get back in Dubai) so he can do his bit for his own personal war effort. Which is to say, get as many clicks as possible. We mention him again because this clip of the clown of […]

The post This video of Andrew Tate was already good but the nickname took it to a whole new level and will surely never be bettered appeared first on The Poke.

To the studios of Talk TV, where Julia Hartley-Brewer – you remember – has been pontificating about the Middle East and why Donald Trump was 100% right to wage war on Iran. We mention it because the presenter was joined by someone who presumably knows a thing or two about Iran, Britain’s former ambassador to […]

The post Julia Hartley-Brewer was just magnificently called out by Britain’s former ambassador to Iran over the Middle East and it’s simply glorious appeared first on The Poke.