DOJ Develops Pathway To Restore Gun Rights To Felons

The Department of Justice finalized a rule that creates a path for some convicted felons to have their gun rights restored, with officials claiming those who pose a public danger could only be approved in “extraordinary circumstances.” What do you think? “Everyone deserves a second chance to hurt people.” Jeremy Morales, Muffin Tester “It’s important to get felons reacquainted with civilian gunfire as soon as possible.” Rocco Spence, Knife Polisher “Big deal, my 3D printer can do that too.” Summer Cruz, Cannon Restorer The Onion.

Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty

Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think? “Great, so I sent all of those love letters to a criminal?” Joan Piechota, Status Checker “Hopefully this brings traumatized corporations some closure.” Christian Neville, Retired Bassoonist “So now I’m supposed to believe a murderer is telling the truth?” Maxwell Kelly, Thumbtack Sharpener The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office

Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. PRO New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight hours A well-aired cog is a productive cog Ready to attend barbecue at a moment’s notice Makes it easy to keep track of who won’t be promoted  You only have one pair of pants CON Wedding vows specifically promised ankles for spouse’s enjoyment only May encourage slacking, if not outright lollygagging Exposes vulnerable back of knee to attacks Death knell for formal kilts Casual atmosphere immediately triggers all-staff fuckfest You still work in marketing The Onion.

David Attenborough Admits To Exaggerating Wonder Of Seals

LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues in voiceover claiming that sea lions have a quiet majesty, they are actually just stinky, slippery wet dogs with fins that are mediocre at best,” said Attenborough, contritely confessing that he used hyperbole to mislead the public into thinking seals were worth paying any attention to at all. “Look, there’s only so many animals, not all of them are going to be winners. Calling those disgusting little gray lumps ‘one of life’s miracles’ was just me padding time until I got to talk about polar bears.” Attenborough also noted that he completely understood why people clubbed the nasty Arctic-dwelling creatures. The Onion.

Men Overly Bored

The Onion.

Newsom Signs Law Requiring All Cars To Be Horses By 2030

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom signed a bill into law this week requiring all cars to be horses by the year 2030.

Man Arrested In Britain For Briefly Thinking About Sharing Meme

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND — Local man Roger Fisher was arrested this morning on suspicion of briefly considering sharing a meme.

New Press Secretary To Just Be Picture Of Scott Jennings Doing That Face

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has announced that the new Press Secretary will just be a poster-sized photo of Scott Jennings doing that face he does.

Powerful Gesture: Google Maps Will Now Give You Slightly Better Directions If You’re Menstruating

Many companies talk a big game about supporting women, but few companies walk the walk like Google is: Google Maps will now give you slightly better directions if you’re menstruating.  Yup, Google has officially earned its feminist bonafides! Your move, Apple Maps! Earlier today, Google Maps formally rolled out Menstrual Reroutes, a new feature that lets female users disclose when they’re menstruating in exchange for marginally better directions, which the tech giant says will save travellers in menses “around three to four minutes of transit time on average.” Google CEO Sundar Pichai explained via press release that the period-conscious Maps update, applies to all methods of travel, meaning drivers on their period will be rerouted down somewhat quicker roads just as menstruators on foot will see their walking directions take a subtly-but-technically more direct path towards their destination. “Maps knows on-the-go is the last place you want to be when you’re on-the-flow, and that’s why we’re helping menstruators get where they’re going kind of sooner with directions unavailable to non-menstruators,” wrote Pichai. “If there are no faster routes than the one you’re on, we will send Maps commuters ahead of you down a wrong turn, because even if it only saves you a minute or two of travel time, Google believes women are worth it.” Google is now promoting Menstrual Reroutes on billboards across the country, featuring photos of women in transit following Maps directions while sorting through a bag of menstrual hygiene products in the passenger seat, freebleeding through their pants on the bus, and trailing blood down a bike path, accompanied by copy showing decreased travel times like “23 min 20 min: Now shortening your time on the road at that time of the month.” Wow. If you’re a menstruator en route, Google’s throwing you a nice bone here! What a powerful gesture Google Maps is making towards women across the world—and we have to give them props for being so upfront about how their directions only get slightly better when you’re menstruating. In our patriarchal society, slightly better is a step forward nonetheless – we’ll take it!

Ugh: This Guy Is One Of Those Guys Whose Personality Is His Entire Personality

Sorry to ruin your day, but this is just so insufferable we can’t look away: This guy is one of those guys whose personality is his entire personality.  Ugh, dude. Can’t you find something better to define yourself than the way that you are? Thirty-two-year-old Nonprofit Coordinator Julian Coleman is the type of cringey asshole who can’t go ten seconds without exuding one of his many defining characteristics. His entire personality is based around how he likes certain things, acts certain ways, and holds certain values in a unique combination that is specific to him.  Take one look at his social media feeds and you’ll find post after post where there’s always got to be some sort of reference to something he did or something he was thinking about or a picture of himself or something he saw.  It’s like, we get it dude: You’re Julian Coleman! You live in Austin! You’re a fulltime caretaker for your disabled sister! Your photographs of your travels through Myanmar in your 20s were made into a book! You’re funny! Your girlfriend’s name is Stacy and you met her when you got in an argument with her on Reddit about the best Nirvana song! But do you really have to make these things–and the many other characteristics that define you as a person–your entire personality? God, guys like this are SO annoying…  Would it kill this guy to find something, anything for his personality to revolve around besides his personality? A certain sports team or diet or hobby, maybe? There’s more to life than being you, man. Branch out a little.

Wetting The Bed Means You’re Strong (By Tom Holland)

Hiya! Tom Holland here. Television’s Spiderman. It’s a commonly held belief that wetting the bed means you’re weak. A goofy little child. A grody old man covered in sores. A worthless baby!  Not being able to hold your pee in is seen as a sign that your pee muscles are weak or that you’ve got a real little bitch of a bladder.  This couldn’t be more idiotic and stupid as hell!! I’ve got news for you: Wetting the bed means you’re really strong! It doesn’t matter what society or much less your wife says. Being unable to hold your urine overnight while sleeping means that you are as strong as it gets and that you are a GREAT person.  I’m not going to get into the science of it all, because no one would understand it anyway. But basically, only the strongest of people piss their beds or “can’t hold it” on long car rides and wet themselves while driving. Your wife might say otherwise. She might say, “You need to go to a doctor about this, Tom,” or “Why don’t you try emptying your bladder right before bed?”  Blah blah blah.  She says these things because she’s never been with a strong man before. Her old boyfriend, Jacob, never let even a drizzle of pee out of his penis at night. She grew to believe that meant he was “strong.” But he wasn’t.  He sucked.  If your idea of “normal” is waking up in a dry bed and NOT smelling urine (i.e., “waking up weak”) you may want to ask yourself where that idea came from. Opening your eyes in the morning and declaring, “Oh great, I pissed the bed again,” it is a sign of strength, courage, and fortitude. Not weakness, as some liars would have you believe. Ancient Samoan warriors pissed the bed 15, 20 times a night. And their piss was THICK.  You don’t see anyone calling them “weak.” Does having large muscles and being able to lift heavy weights make one “strong?” Or does strength come from within, and then that strength pushes your pee out all over your mattress, sheets, and comforter? Every smart person agrees that more strength comes from leaving a hotel bed soaked in gallons of piss because you drank five to six Gatorades right before bed and were too sleepy to get up and hit the toilet before bed than lifting weights ever will.  And that’s not only a fact, but it’s true.

Thrilling For Her: Mom Just Learned Some Super Sad News That She Gets To Tell Everyone

If you’re a fan of Mom, then this story is going to make you stand up and cheer, because something amazing is happening to her right now that’s going to absolutely make her entire week. Mom just learned some super sad news that she gets to tell everyone. Hell yes! This must be so thrilling for Mom! Earlier today, Mom started texting everyone in the family with an ominous message that simply said, “When you have a minute, we need to talk. Sad, sad news to share.” It’s possible that someone in the family passed away, or maybe someone was diagnosed with a serious illness. Regardless of what this tragedy is, Mom was one of the first people in the family to know, and she gets to be the one who tells everyone else. Mom must be feeling so awesome and important right now! While we haven’t learned the exact nature of the bad news yet, it’s safe to say that it’s probably very sad, because Mom followed up her initial text with the message, “I’ve been crying all afternoon. Call me back ASAP so I can tell you.” She’s also sent texts asking if people in the family would rather find out the sad news over the phone, over FaceTime, or if they’d like to come over to her house so she can tell them in person. No matter what option we choose, Mom will be the center of it all, and she’s going to get to be the one who tells us about the devastating event that has taken place. One of the best things about this whole thing, especially if you’re Mom, is that Mom is in total control of the situation. When Cousin Evelyn asked if she could get back to Mom after work, Mom texted back “NO. EMERGENCY. News is VERY SHOCKING AND TRAGIC.” Mom knows the super sad news, so Mom calls the shots. Simple as that. Hell yes. This incredibly disastrous day must be one of the best days of Mom’s life. This is a woman who is holding all the cards and is totally in her element. She’s going to be relaying this bad news to the whole family all day long, and we’re all in her thrall as long as she holds that power. Enjoy telling everyone the super sad news, Mom! You’ve earned it!

Aw: The Two Flies In Your Apartment Seem To Be Becoming Friends

If you haven’t gotten your daily dose of cuteness yet, you’re in luck, because this story is one of the most adorable things you’re ever going to learn about in your entire life: The two flies in your apartment seem to be becoming friends. Awwww! This is the sweetest thing! While the two flies started out on opposite sides of your apartment, with one hovering around your living room window and the other hovering around the bowl of fruit you keep on your kitchen table, over time they’ve been flying closer and closer to each other, and they’re clearly developing a deeper sort of companionship. Just a few hours ago, both of the flies landed on your coffee table, one so he could rub his front legs together and the other so that he could crawl around near some crumbs. Then the two flies took off at literally almost the same time and started flying around your living room kind of close to each other. If you need us, you can find us in the hospital recovering from a cuteness overload! “While we can’t read the minds of these flies, after extensive analysis and rigorous peer-reviewed studies it’s safe to say that they are buddies,” said Professor Allison Raudsepp, a biologist at Princeton University who recently published a paper on the ways the two flies in your apartment recently spent over an hour hovering around your kitchen garbage can together. “After watching these two dudes crawl all over the same apple or land on the same windowpane and rest there only a few inches apart, it is quickly becoming the consensus in the scientific community that they are pals and only growing closer.” Professor Raudsepp said she was particularly interested in the way the flies seem to fly around in circles that are nearish to one another. “Think about it,” she said, “if you and your best friend had wings, would you fly far away from each other, or kind of next to each other? The fact that these flies are close together shows they are best friends and might even be in love.” Well, it’s official: this situation is so goddamn precious that we cannot possibly handle it. If you’re not squealing with glee right now thinking about the two flies in your apartment hanging out and being bros, you do not deserve to be protected by the laws of our country. We can’t wait to watch this budding friendship between the flies in your apartment get deeper and deeper. It’s one of the best things we’ve ever heard about, and it’s giving us a reason to live!

Pentagon unveils ‘Send Someone Else’ campaign for Iran war supporters

THE PENTAGON — Following the rollout of its new “Send Me” military service campaign, the Pentagon unveiled a companion initiative this week called "Send Someone Else” aimed at lawmakers, political appointees, wealthy families, and other Americans who strongly support the Iran war but would prefer not to personally participate in it.“Look, we understand the concern,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “The war is unpopular, expensive, increasingly difficult to supply, and has no obvious end state. Naturally, the people who support it most enthusiastically want reassurance that none of this will affect them personally.”Parnell said Pentagon lawyers had therefore established several Protected Classes exempt from the “Send Me” ethos.“First off, nobody from the executive or legislative branches is deploying,” he said. “These people are far too important to the war effort.”Parnell pointed to Vice President JD Vance, whose family recently sought military helicopter transportation to get his son to a golf lesson, as an example.“That’s exactly the sort of sacrifice we need from leadership,” Parnell said. “Military aviation has to support the whole force.”Members of Congress also qualify automatically.“The late Lindsey Graham spent decades advocating military action against Iran,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, he passed away before we could process his deployment waiver, which Pentagon lawyers assure me was already very close to approval.”Officials said lawmakers who nevertheless volunteer to deploy will be thanked for their patriotism and immediately assigned to a blue-ribbon commission studying whether somebody else should go instead.The Trump family has also received blanket exemptions.“Eric and Don Jr. are supporting the war effort through investments in defense technology,” Parnell said. “It would be incredibly inefficient to put them in uniform when they can contribute from whichever side of the procurement process is more profitable.”Barron Trump, 20, is also old enough to enlist, but officials said his new energy-drink venture provides an essential warfighting capability.“Junior enlisted troops need caffeine,” Parnell said. “That’s practically logistics.”Word of the exemptions initially generated excitement among troops already deployed to the Middle East.“I’ve been at sea so long I’m starting to think Norfolk was something I dreamed about as a child,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Aaron Brady aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. “When I heard about ‘Send Someone Else,’ I thought maybe someone else was finally coming.”Parnell quickly corrected the misunderstanding.“No,” he said. “Someone still has to fight the war.”According to the Pentagon, eligibility for Protected Class status generally increases in direct proportion to a person’s ability to influence whether the country goes to war in the first place.“We’re behind our warfighters 100%,” Parnell said. “About 7,000 miles behind them, in most cases.”He added that troops participating in “Send Me” receive substantial benefits unavailable to Protected Classes, including combat experience, prolonged family separation, exposure to Iranian missiles, and the opportunity to someday explain to their grandchildren why the enemy had to be destroyed 58 separate times.“And if you make the ultimate sacrifice, America will remember you forever,” Parnell said. “Unless you die during a ceasefire, after the official operational window, or under some other circumstance requiring us to move you to a different spreadsheet.”At press time, the Pentagon announced a third campaign aimed at defense contractors called “Send More.”🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Trump strikes deal to buy precision missiles from North Korea

PYONGYANG — North Korea has agreed to provide thousands of precision-guided missiles to the U.S. military amid dwindling missile inventories from the Iran War, President Donald Trump announced today.“Based on my very good relationship with Kim Jong Un of North Korea, I am happy with the fact that he has agreed to send us ADVANCED WEAPONRY,” Trump said in a Truth Social post.“Unlike South Korea, which I recently offered the tremendous HONOR of becoming our 52nd state after Canada and they said ‘no thanks,’” Trump wrote. “VERY HOSTILE!”As part of the deal, Pyongyang would also provide intelligence support and drone aircraft. In exchange, American technology companies would be required to hire many more North Korean hackers than they already employ. Additionally, Trump announced a 35% tariff on South Korean weapons designed to defend against North Korea.U.S. acquisition officials said North Korea was selected after promising delivery within 60 days, beating Lockheed Martin’s proposal by approximately 11 years. Raytheon has already signaled that it would protest the contract, arguing it could produce equivalent missiles at 400 times the price if given seven years and $22.9 billion.The deal was approved after Pyongyang submitted the only bid that did not contain the phrase “initial low-rate production capability in FY34.”“They make missiles. Lots of missiles. Very fast. No environmental review, no union delays, no DEI,” Trump said. “Frankly, we could learn something from them. Their workers never complain, and almost none of them quit."

Air Force IG uncovers SNACKOs taking kickbacks from Big Insulin

WASHINGTON — An Air Force inspector general investigation has uncovered an alleged kickback scheme between several squadron snack officers and representatives of the insulin industry, raising concerns that America’s most junior officers have spent years quietly undermining military fitness for profit.The SNACKO, or snack officer, is traditionally the newest and least respected officer in a flying squadron and is responsible for maintaining adequate supplies of energy drinks, candy bars, chips, ramen noodles, and foods capable of surviving multiple presidential administrations.According to investigators, at least seven SNACKOs accepted money, mileage reimbursements, and free Costco memberships in exchange for ensuring their squadron snack bars remained “aggressively incompatible with the warrior ethos.”“This investigation began after Secretary Hegseth demanded we find out why everyone’s waist-to-height ratio keeps getting worse despite all the mandatory PT,” said Air Force investigator Lt. Col. Aaron Mitchell. “Eventually somebody looked at the snack bar.”“What we found was horrifying.”The report describes shelves stocked almost exclusively with Pop-Tarts, powdered donuts, peanut butter crackers, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, energy drinks, and ramen with expiration dates extending beyond the projected service life of the F-35.Investigators said the scheme began when pharmaceutical representatives infiltrated an online SNACKO forum while posing as experienced airlift squadron snack officers.“They understood the target,” Mitchell said. “A brand-new lieutenant making lieutenant money, entrusted with $800 in Venmo payments and absolutely no adult supervision.”One SNACKO reportedly became suspicious after being encouraged to remove apples, bananas, and kale chips from his squadron.“I tried healthy food once,” the officer told investigators. “Nobody touched it. The bananas turned black, the apples became soft, and someone wrote ‘COMMIE FOOD’ on the kale.”He paused.“I’d never felt that kind of professional shame.”

Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given

THE PENTAGON — Senior military officials warned this week that the United States is rapidly exhausting its strategic supply of fucks given, raising concerns that the force may soon lack sufficient fucks to sustain the war with Iran while deterring China.“We knew munitions were getting tight,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “What nobody anticipated was the burn rate on fucks.”According to officials, the shortage cuts across every service and rank.“We’re low on tactical fucks at the unit level, operational fucks at the combatant commands, and strategic fucks here in Washington,” Parnell said. “Frankly, the Pentagon is approaching what planners call No Fucks Remaining, or NFR.”Officials said six months of war with Iran dramatically accelerated the decline.“You can triple Patriot production. You can quadruple THAAD production,” said one senior defense official. “But you cannot surge a staff sergeant’s will to live on a multiyear procurement contract.”The official said the Pentagon compounded the problem by prematurely disposing of experienced fuck reserves during a sweeping turnover of senior military leadership.“We had generals with 30 or 40 years of institutional fucks stored up,” he said. “Then we fired half of them because they gave a fuck about the wrong things.”Officials said several replacements arrived with abundant enthusiasm but were later determined to possess “high quantities of confidence with negligible fuck content.”The shortage has become particularly acute as military planners simultaneously manage the Iran war, depleted weapons inventories, deteriorating infrastructure, and preparations for a possible future conflict in the Pacific.“China is the pacing threat,” said retired Army Col. Eric Halvorsen, a defense analyst. “If we expend every remaining fuck in CENTCOM, what are we supposed to give INDOPACOM?”Halvorsen said the Pentagon spent decades neglecting what he called the fuck-industrial base.“We assumed fucks were basically infinite,” he said. “You'd commission a lieutenant, issue him a CAC card, and somehow five years later he'd still care about something.”“That assumption was catastrophically wrong.”There is one encouraging sign.After years of recruiting difficulties, the services are once again bringing large numbers of young Americans into uniform, providing the military with its first significant supply of virgin fucks in years.“The average 18-year-old recruit arrives with an astonishing number of fucks to give,” Parnell said. “They care about fitness. They care about doing a good job. Some of them actually believe their chain of command knows what it's doing.”He paused.“Obviously, retention is our concern.”Army researchers estimate that basic training consumes relatively few fucks, but the first permanent duty station can deplete a soldier’s reserves within months through repeated motor-pool formations, barracks mold, online training, weekend recalls, and being told at 1630 that nobody is going home until an unspecified task is complete.“One poorly planned command-maintenance Monday can burn through fucks faster than Iran burns through Shahed drones,” said one Army official.Pentagon planners are considering several emergency measures, including recycling previously expended fucks, purchasing fucks from allied nations, and invoking the Defense Production Act to compel American industry to give a shit.Officials cautioned that foreign supplies may also be limited.“The Ukrainians used to have fucks to spare,” Halvorsen said. “Then they spent four years fighting Russia while we held meetings about whether they were using them efficiently.”Hegseth dismissed concerns about the shortage.“We have more fucks than anybody,” he said. “Beautiful fucks. Lethal fucks. We're manufacturing fucks at levels nobody has ever seen.”At press time, President Trump had reportedly ordered an investigation to determine who leaked the classified location of America’s remaining fucks.🖊️Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.

Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation

The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times.Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have 100% accountability of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military.The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them. I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming.We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. Then we destroyed it again. Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed.So I need every commander in every service to conduct a hands-across-America sensitive-items inventory immediately.Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker.Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at Minot. Or there's some Navy chief out there with three TLAMs shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an Army warrant officer sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them.Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile.And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book.If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12.I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone.To encourage honesty, we’ve placed amnesty boxes at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked.I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a Patriot interceptor behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything.Today is your day.It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back.And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists.This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over to deter China, defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then.People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement.Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool?Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have enough missiles for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops asking about the Epstein files.I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first.So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War.And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally.I’ll be in my office doing pull-ups if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough.🖊️Bull Winkle is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.

Bride clearly angling bouquet toward specific friend

A NEWLYWED woman throwing her bouquet is very obviously trying to ensure it lands in the hands of a particular unwed friend.  Despite it being her special day selfless bride Carrie Ryan is making sure the bouquet, bringing with it the promise to be next to wed, is caught by old friend Emma Bradford whose boyfriend Joe Turner has well-known commitment issues. Carrie explained, “Yeah, it’s lovely to be getting married to the love of my life and everything, but that doesn’t mean abandoning the sisterhood. “We discussed the bouquet-catching. We worked out Emma’s best angles, We practiced. As long as she doesn’t drink more than two glasses of prosecco before the throw, she’s got this and Joe has questions to answer. Or pop. “I’ve also rewritten my husband’s speech to get a few digs in about Joe’s inability to pit a ring on it, and I’ve even made sure the bridesmaid’s dresses aren’t hideous to encourage romance. That’s hard for any bride but I made the sacrifice. “Her not being married is just embarrassing at this point. Normally I find proposals at weddings cringey, but honestly, it’s all I really care about today.” Emma said: “I’m not married, I’m not engaged, I’m not massively arsed. It’s everyone else who’s obsessed with it. “Besides Joe didn’t even know I’d caught it. He was playing Minecraft on his phone.”

We ask you: What’s your libellous theory of why Harry and Meghan are moving to the UK?

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours?  Roy Hobbs, roofer: “Satanic abuse network collapsed and they’re fleeing arrest most likely, same as Ellen.” Helen Archer, relationship manager: “Because if they can reverse Megxit, it will prove to the country you can reverse Brexit. Yeah. That’s how evil they are.” Wayne Hayes, traffic warden: “Simple. He’s got Anne Hathaway pregnant and it’s going to come out ginger.” Sophie Rodriguez, charity co-ordinator: “Clearly they missed having the Daily Mail thump onto the doormat every morning, full of insightful stories about them and their lives.” Mary Fisher, magistrate: “Being in the state where the industry is based and films proved an irresistible temptation and Meghan’s been doing porn again.” Stephen Malley, landscape gardener: “Yeah, not to be all boring about this but he’s here because his dad’s dying. Sorry if that’s brought the mood down.”

Harry has no more money for legal action so say what you want

Man definitely didn’t just freshen up willy in girlfriend’s sink

A man who emerged from the bathroom ready for intercourse is pretending he did not wash his horrible knob in his girlfriend’s lovely sink. Worried that the disgusting truth will ruin his chances of getting his end away, Tom Logan is vehemently denying that he just gave his penis a quick scrub with his partner’s Imperial Leather. He said: “I don’t like to lie, but what would she prefer? That my dick smelt like some dank old Camembert? I highly doubt it. “Besides, that’s what soaps and sinks are for, cleaning things. It just so happens that on this occasion they were cleaning the helmet under my foreskin. She should be grateful really, that I’m so hygienic. “It’s weird that she’s making a big deal about it. Everyone knows that ‘freshening up’ is a euphemism for ‘I’m going to clean my genitals because hopefully you’ll put them in your mouth.’ Spelling that out would spoil the sexual tension. “I even dried my cock on her fresh, fluffy hand towels so it wouldn’t drip all over her bed. You can’t win with some people.” Logan’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “This isn’t the first time he’s lied about his penis. Six inches, my arse.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Nigel Farage, ending benefits for Britain’s own good

Waking up with a hangover that’s left my anus barking like a dog, I imbibe more water than a data centre to take the edge off. Back at my chambers, there is a knock at the door. Two gentlemen beam at me and hand me their card. “Good morning, your Grace. We are Mr Timms and Mr Soper, representatives of the UK arms trading firm Amios.” I could sense that a request for a donation was imminent. Don’t these cretins know the church only takes money and never gives it away? My generous offer of “No fucking thanks” was met with a reply of: “B-but the British government has already agreed to fund us generously. We thought you might care to also?” “Well, the British government are fucking idiots.” “Please – please, your Grace, can you not see it in your Christian heart to make at least some sort of donation?” “Wait there,” I said. I returned with two souvenirs of ground to air defences. I bid them turn around, pull down their trousers and underwear, and send them away with rockets up their arses. That done, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical where I read that Julia Hartley-Brewer has called for people not to contribute to Jason Arday’s funeral costs. Meanwhile Nathan Cofnas, the ‘race realist’ who uncovered his apparent plagiarism, has been suspended from Ghent University. Fuck me, no fuck you, you world’s worst pieces of scum. Hartley-Brewer, the only crowdfunding there’ll be the day you cark it will be for the piss-up to mark the national celebrations, you venomous, sadistic fucking hag! As for you, Cofras, your fucking delusion of racial superiority is way more a fantasy than anything Arday came up with, and a fucking evil, malicious, immiserating one at that! You shouldn’t be in fucking academia, you should be in a fucking pointed white hood! This week, Channel 4 broadcast a documentary titled The Great ADHD Myth, presented by NHS psychiatrist, Daily Mail columnist and Spectator contributor Dr Max Pemberton. Claiming to be science led, it focuses on the experiences of one particular child. Yeah, well, seeing right there which cunt tabloids are printing your fucking shit, we can see which side your fucking bread is buttered! Of course fucking ADHD is real, in the same way fucking global warming is real, despite the Channel 4 documentary 20 years ago claiming it was a fucking swindle! What’s in question is whether Channel 4 are suffering from Attention Seeking Moral Deficit Syndrome! I hope Ofcom tear you a new fucking arsehole! Like that’s gonna fucking happen! Images from the Beatle biopics directed by Sam Mendes have been released. They show the Fab Four walking on Abbey Road’s famous zebra crossing, with one member flicking the Vs at the camera. Yeah, like the fucking Beatles ever fucking did that! Who or what are these characters supposed to be? ‘John Lennon’ looks more like Father Abraham out of The Smurfs! As for the other three, who the fuck are they meant to be? Is the cunt at the back Tony Hadley? The other two look like a pair of fucking garden gnomes who’ve lost their fishing rods! This is gonna be even worse than the dog’s abortion that was Danny Boyle’s Sex Pistols biopic! Finally, Reform UK announced a policy to ‘End Benefits Britain’ this week. The BBC spent an hour with cameras trained on an empty podium bearing the slogan. Nigel Farage said it was time to end the ‘something for nothing’ culture. Shitting hell on a smouldering wildfire, if anyone knows about something for nothing it’s the cunt who draws a six figure salary per annum as MP for Clacton and doesn’t even bother to turn up! It’s you who should be sweeping the fucking streets, you scrounging, layabout! As for the BBC, once again, what is it with you and your fucking boyfriend Reform UK? Clearing the fucking decks to let them spout their stupid, uncosted, unworkable, distracting-from-Farage’s £5 million donation bullshit?

Jamie Oliver’s magnificently straight-talking response to Jake Humphrey’s invite just went viral again and it’s the most delicious thing Oliver’s ever done

Here’s a clip that you might have seen before but if you have then you will surely want to watch it again. It’s former BT Sport presenter turned all round dude guru Jake Humphrey asking Chris Moyles if he can please, please invite Jamie Oliver onto his podcast. Yes, that is quite a trio of […] The Poke.

This royal biographer’s bilious ‘welcome home’ for Harry and Meghan is a grim reminder of why they cleared off in the first place

They’re coming home, they’re coming home, Harry and Meghan are coming home. Which wouldn’t normally hit the centre of our radar (yes we’ve got a radar!) until we watched this, a royal biographer we’ve never heard of giving her verdict on the returning royal-lites. It’s absolutely extraordinary, even more so that it still only makes […] The Poke.

Laurence Fox shared a video of himself and Calvin Robinson performing a duet – 17 scathing reviews

Laurence Fox is a man with a definite humiliation kink. He’s just lost his deposit whilst running for the Clacton by-election (receiving a paltry 347 votes), he was disqualified from running for London Mayor in 2024 after there were found to be errors on his nomination forms and he parted company with GB News in […] The Poke.

‘What is your favourite piece of UK trivia?’ – 23 absolutely fascinating facts unique to Britain

The UK is a quirky little place on a day-to-day basis, as anyone who lives here or has visited will know, but it gets even more bizarre and fascinating when you drill down into the facts. Over on the AskUK subreddit, user RoadToTyburn asked ‘What is your favourite piece of UK trivia?’ and opened the […] The Poke.

Trump’s top economic advisor can’t figure out why oil prices are spiking and these 17 incredulous clap backs were happy to fill him in

According to the U.S. Department of Treasury official government web site, the Secretary of Treasury is supposed to be “responsible for formulating and recommending domestic and international financial, economic, and tax policy, participating in the formulation of broad fiscal policies that have general significance for the economy, and managing the public debt.” That all seems […] The Poke.