The Onion
Adult Man Genuinely Inspired By AI Video Of Lion Wearing Rolex
IRVINE, CA—Eyes widening in awe as the 3D-rendered content appeared on his Instagram feed, local 38-year-old Derek Ludlow reported Wednesday that he felt genuinely inspired by an AI-generated video of a lion wearing a Rolex. “Holy shit, this cat’s got a big-ass watch, he’s wearing a tuxedo, and he’s smoking the fattest cigar I’ve ever seen,” Ludlow said to himself as he reposted the highly stylized reel with the caption “GOALS,” accompanied by three diamond emojis. “I mean, look at those sunglasses. And that tie! This lion doesn’t make excuses. He’s on his grindset. Fuck! I’m finally feeling pumped to start my dry cleaning business!” At press time, a newly inspired Ludlow had reportedly informed his ex-girlfriend that he’d no longer be paying child support because he only wanted to “surround himself with winners.”
The Onion.
Grave Concerns
The Onion.
LeBron James: ‘I Will Never Forget My Los Angeles Roots’
The Onion.
Ryan Gosling Joins MCU To Take On Role Of Stan Lee Cameos
LOS ANGELES—In an announcement that led fans to praise the “perfect casting,” actor Ryan Gosling confirmed Tuesday that he was officially joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the role of Stan Lee cameos. “As a lifelong fan of the comics, it’s an honor to take on the mantle of my favorite MCU character, Stanley Lieber, also known by his alter ego, Stan Lee,” said Gosling, who expressed excitement at the “opportunity of a lifetime” to deliver quippy one-liners while dressed up as a hot dog cart worker or mail carrier. “It was a tough audition process, and ultimately it came down to either me or Glen Powell, but Kevin Feige saw my ‘Excelsior’ tattoo and knew I had the passion to get the job done. I’ve studied every cameo dozens of times, and I’m sure these two-second roles giving a knowing smile to Ant-Man on a bus or yelling at Bruce Banner out a window will be everything I’ve ever imagined them to be. I can’t say for sure if I’m in Doomsday yet, but let’s just say there will be a certain oblivious library desk attendant that audiences are going to really love.” Gosling told reporters he was already working with a trainer six times a week to perfect his hunch.
The Onion.
‘We’ll Keep It Down,’ Man Says To Neighbor Before Going Back To Playing ‘DDR’ Alone In Apartment
MORRO BAY, CA—Peeking out through the doorway to address the complaints, local man Hugh Montgomery reportedly said, “We’ll keep it down,” to neighbor Grace Martinez on Monday evening before going back to playing Dance Dance Revolution alone in his apartment. “Yeah, I get that it’s late—we’re really sorry about the racket,” said the sweaty, red-faced Montgomery, who had just beaten his personal record for consecutive steps while completing Dance Dance Revolution A20 ’s “MAX 360” challenge in total solitude. “The four of us were having a blast dancing along to these old ’80s songs, and I admit we got a bit carried away. Yes, I understand that people are trying to sleep. It’s true—we really shouldn’t be making so much noise when people have work tomorrow. We’ll make sure you don’t hear from us anymore. We were just about to wrap up anyway.” At press time, sources confirmed that Montgomery had switched to playing Super Mario Party Jamboree by himself with the volume off.
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
Duffel Blog
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”
Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign
LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
FREE EDITIONYou're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. We are ad-free and reader-supported.
THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.”
“It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders.
According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history.
“The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.”
The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses.
Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.”
“The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.”
Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation.
“The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust...
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ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers
MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.
Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
We ask you: Is Polanski a psycho who wants to guillotine people?
THE Green leader re-posted an image of a man wearing a guillotine T-shirt on social media. Is that because he secretly loves lopping heads off?
Eleanor Shaw, business analyst: “If that’s what Nigel Farage says then yes, Polanski is a bloodthirsty maniac. He would never blow a story out of proportion for his own benefit.”
Wayne Hayes, sewage inspector: “Guillotines are an eco-friendly execution method so I couldn’t care less. He’s stuck to his principles and that’s what’s important.”
Susan Traherne, unemployed: “Clearly. If a hastily-deleted post on the arse-end of Instagram isn’t an insight into his Patrick Bateman-like personality then I don’t know what is.”
Jack Browne, butcher: “Of course not. However he does want to legalise drugs and tax the wealthy, which I personally find much more disturbing.”
Helen Archer, teaching assistant: “Either way it doesn’t matter, he’s encouraged people to harm Nigel Farage. Nobody’s ever thought of hurting that universally-beloved man before now.”
Six good reasons why the hot girl at a gig won’t talk to you
STRUGGLING to start a conversation with the hot girl who has blessed a gig with her presence? These are the sound reasons she is ignoring you.
She doesn’t have to talk to you
You may be the main character in your own life, but to everyone else you’re practically part of the scenery. Nobody is under any obligation to talk to you, outside of curt pleasantries if they happen to be serving you in a shop. A hot girl at a gig is well within her rights to tell you to f**k off if you so much as breathe near her.
80 per cent of men are creeps
And that’s a conservative estimate. For all she knows you’re a disgusting weirdo who’d take photos of her feet to sell on the internet at the first opportunity. Trying to convince her otherwise by staring in her direction and shooting a nervous smile will not help your case. Plus her boyfriend might be present and he’d beat you up.
You’re old
You’ve come to see a band that’s got heavy airplay on Radio 6 because you’re middle-aged. She’s in the crowd because they remind her of her dad and the tickets were on offer. You are not the same. Even if she asked you where the toilets were, you wouldn’t be able to hear her dulcet tones over your tinnitus.
Social rules are in play
This is a gig, not a speed dating night. Your role as an audience member is to face the front and clap after every song, not try to strike up a conversation over deafening music. Besides, if a woman is at a gig alone it signals she has a level of confidence which puts her well out of your league.
She’s trying to listen to the band
Hearing the band play their songs is kind of the whole point of going to a gig. By talking over them you’re not only ruining an experience that required a lot of planning, you’re also creating a core memory in another person which portrays you as an annoying prick. Nobody is getting rinsed by Ticketmaster for that experience.
You don’t have anything interesting to say
If you were incredibly handsome and she was desperate, there’s a slim chance she might talk to you if you charm her with some witty repartee. Sadly all you can muster are some tedious stats about the band’s highest ever chart position and anecdotes she already knows about the lead singer. If you have to say anything, stick with a safe ‘sorry for bothering you’.
Six horrific occupations to have in a heatwave that happily aren’t yours
FEELING miserable about sweating in an office in July? Cheer yourself up by reflecting on the differences between these jobs and yours.
Roofer
You’re well out of this. On a roof you’re nearer the sun so it’s bound to be even hotter than at ground level. Sure, there are perks like wolf-whistling passing women and making lewd comments, but the success rate for actual relationships is probably low. Yes, being baked alive on a dangerous roof makes your inadequate office desk fan look like unimaginable luxury. Enjoy.
Chef
Professional kitchens are full of big metal boxes specifically designed to get up to 300 degrees, and you can’t open the windows because flies and wasps will get in. Suddenly reclining on a chair in a badly air-conditioned office doesn’t seem too bad. Chefs aren’t even allowed to sweat in case it drips on customers’ food. Could this perhaps be a new career direction for Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor? He should hand his CV in at Pizza Express.
Landscape gardener
Paving slabs weigh a f**king ton, as, surprisingly, do wheelbarrows full of topsoil. But that won’t stop people insisting they want their new patio down before their barbecue garden party at the weekend. There’s also shitloads more wasps’ nests when it’s hot, which you’ll discover when you’re cutting hedges. The only real danger of working in a hot office is brain damage from people repeatedly saying ‘Hot, isn’t it?’
Steam train boilerman
What an idyllic life, pootling through the Severn Valley in a cute heritage steam train. But not so much if you’re the unlucky f**ker shovelling coal onto a raging fire. And when you do finally stop at a rural station, you’ll be inundated with snotty-nosed little bastards and their parents wanting to take pictures with you. That has never happened to someone whose job is using spreadsheets.
Ice cream man
Sounds perfect, being surrounded by frozen sweet treats. But those freezer units pump out heat into the tiny metal box you’re encased in, while outside waits a baying horde of tiny bastards thrusting sweaty coins at you. Worse, your income is entirely dependent on the weather. Even the most miserable corporate drone doesn’t get their pay cut by 60 per cent because it was cold on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Although your company would like to try that.
Blast furnace worker
Anywhere hot enough to melt pig iron, copper and lead isn’t an ideal place to work in the summer. Frankly just the thought of it makes you feel a bit dizzy and relieved you passed your GCSEs. Your office may be deeply unpleasant and stuffy, but you’re pretty sure it’s not 1,300C.
Man fails to realise girlfriend has continued conversation long after he left room
A MAN did not notice his girlfriend was keeping a conversation going even though he was not physically present.
Joseph Turner incurred the wrath of his partner Kelly Howard by assuming their conversation was over because he had walked into the kitchen ten minutes ago to make a cup of tea.
He said: “I thought my absence and lack of replies were clear enough signs. But now we’re having an even longer conversation about how conversations work.
“Apparently by traipsing into another room during a lull I was ignoring her. How was I supposed to know we were still chatting? She’d purposefully asked me to be quiet while she caught up with Love Island.
“We weren’t even having a proper conversation anyway. She was wondering out loud about changing her phone contract, and I was showing her memes which she didn’t find funny. I would’ve thought she’d want a break from that.
“Great, now she’s giving me the silent treatment. I can’t even point out how hypocritical that is or I’ll make things ten times worse.”
Howard said: “How could he not hear me? I pick him up loud and clear from upstairs when he calls me a ‘miserable cow’, even if the washing machine’s on.”
The gobshite’s guide to surviving a wildfire
UNSURE what you’d do if caught in a wildfire? Don’t worry – loudmouthed know-it-all Martin Bishop explains how he’d expertly cope from the comfort of a bar stool.
Run into the flames
It sounds counterintuitive, but if you run into the flames you’ll get to where the fire has already been, and that bit will be burnt-out and safe. It’s obvious to a clever person like me, but I suppose a lot of people are just idiotic sheep who’d automatically run away from a massive fire.
Start your own fire first
Find a large area of dry grassland near where you’re staying or camping and set fire to it, then quickly run round stamping it out. Then when the real wildfire arrives just proceed to your safe zone and watch the flames go round it. What could go wrong?
Walk along a river
I’d climb into a river where the fire can’t reach you and walk at a leisurely pace back to safety. Frankly I can’t believe people didn’t just do this in Bordeaux. If it’s a fast-flowing river so much the better, just hop in and let the current whisk you to somewhere safe. It’s no biggie if you can’t swim, just grab a log as a buoyancy aid. There’s always one in films.
Keep low to the ground
Not many people know this, but warm air rises, so there will be a small stratum of fresh air underneath any smoke. Definitely crawl to safety at a snail’s pace with your face pressed to the ground while other people are just walking normally.
Fashion a weapon
In a life-or-death situation, previously civilised people revert to their primal instincts. Get your priorities right and ignore warnings to evacuate until you have finished making a spear.
Climb a tree
What I’d do if a forest was on fire is climb pretty high up in the trees where the flames and smoke couldn’t reach me. Then I’d simply walk from branch to branch until I reached safety. I definitely got this from the power of lateral thinking, not Avatar.
Make a flame-retardant suit
Quickly hunt a deer, four rabbits and a beaver and gut them. Then climb inside the deer skin, put the beaver over your head and put your hands and feet inside the rabbits. Hey presto! A thick, damp, flame-retardant suit. I can’t see a problem with running away from a fire while constantly retching with slimy rabbit corpses on your feet.
Stilts
A no-brainer. Stilts are ideal for crossing an area of burning grass, so I’d just make a pair from branches. It’s such a good idea I might write to the French and Spanish authorities and tell them to put emergency stilts in the countryside. Will they listen? Unlikely. It’s not easy being the lone voice of reason.
The Poke
Donald Trump tried to toss a Tic Tac into his mouth and it was a mission failed supremely successfully
To the funeral of Republican lawmaker Lindsey Graham in Washington, where it’s fair to say that Donald Trump looked occasionally – just occasionally – a little bit distracted during proceedings. We mention it after this particular clip went wildly viral, a moment in which the president offered JD Vance a Tic Tac and thought he […]
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Jeremy Clarkson trolled Brexiteers over the never-ending airport queues and the eye-popping fury of their replies is a journey definitely worth taking
Not often we find ourselves cheering Jeremy Clarkson but in this case we’ll make on exception. The Stig botherer turned the country’s most high-profile farmer has air travel on his mind, particularly the never-ending airport queues that face Brits everywhere they go now we are no longer part of the EU. So he thought he’d […]
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People voted this obnoxious, dog-hating tourist to be ‘the asshole’, and we can’t argue with that decision
Over on Reddit’s r/AmITheAsshole, an asshole a person named u/Appropriate-Form-277 wanted to know if they were in the right with this holiday behaviour. It’s a longish read, but worth the effort. If you’re in a rush, however – tl;dr Someone went on holiday to a place where people bring their dogs into cafés and restaurants, […]
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‘What joke might take people a few seconds to get?’ – 21 gags that aren’t for the hard of thinking
Everyone loves a laugh, don’t they? But all laughs are not created equal, and some are so sophisticated that they take a little more time to process. They’ve been talking about the gags that leave us feeling stupid on the AskReddit page after user OmitsWordsByAccident asked this: What joke might take people a few seconds […]
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Nigel Farage spat out his dummy because he wasn’t invited to the PM’s cross-party meeting, and the internet spat out some home truths
New prime minister Andy Burnham seems to have hit the ground running, with the support and criticism coming from the quarters you’d expect. He has warned that the NHS is being threatened by the problems within the social care system, and he intends to reset it to improve it for everyone. This is the issue […]
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