The Onion
Conservationists Give Gorillas Bank Accounts
A nonprofit in Rwanda gave gorillas bank accounts as a way to provide compensation to those who render assistance to them, with both the government and donors funding the project. What do you think?
“So I wasn’t imagining what I saw at the ATM.”
Marvin Malone, Lime Distributor
“Until they work for the money, they won’t understand its value.”
Nick Villanueva, Unemployed
“This will be much safer than making them carry cash around everywhere.”
Elle Chapman, Raccoon Trapper
The Onion.
The Met Gala By The Numbers
The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event.
1 in 3
Invitees aware the Met is a museum
5th
Floor where the real Anna Wintour is safely stored while her decoy attends the gala
$25
Target gift card awarded to “Best Dressed” winner
$350,000
Cost to sit at a table and watch Jacob Elordi eat shrimp
1
Amount of Maggie Gyllenhaals who typically show up
4
Minimum number of inches hemline must extend beyond fingertips to comply with dress code
330
Members in the “Post Your Met Gala Dress 2026” Facebook group
$119,000
Cost of last-minute program reprint to fix “Anna Centaur” typo
The Onion.
McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch
HUNT VALLEY, MD—Hailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick & Co. introduced a first-of-its-kind smooth and hearty transdermal gravy patch Tuesday. “At McCormick, we know well the frustrations and difficult side effects that come with abrupt attempts to quit gravy, so we’ve created these unobtrusive, easy-to-apply patches to help you avoid withdrawal symptoms while slowly weaning your body off of thick, flavorful sauces,” company spokesperson Meghan DuCharme said of the slow-release patches, which work to taper off the amount of gravy being released into one’s system and come in a variety of flavors, including chicken, turkey, mushroom, and brown. “We know getting off gravy can be tough. If you’re someone whose dependence on gravy makes quitting a challenge, these over-the-counter patches deliver a full meal’s worth of savory goodness in a controlled dose so you can fully monitor how much gravy you’re taking in.” DuCharme stressed that users should rotate the gravy patch daily to avoid lumps in their bloodstream.
The Onion.
Phish Ask Fans To Stop Hacky-Sacking Sphere
The Onion.
Racehorse Receives Carrot Every Time He Wins $2 Million For Owner
The Onion.
ClickHole
Hmm: The Girl Your Friend’s Family Chose To Speak At Her Funeral Isn’t Nearly As Good At Public Speaking As You Are
It’s not like it’s ever easy to attend a funeral, but the situation currently unfolding at your friend Sarah’s burial isn’t making it any better: The girl her family chose to speak at her funeral isn’t nearly as good at public speaking as you are.
Hmm. If they had wanted this event to truly celebrate their daughter’s life, then they should’ve picked someone who could enunciate.
Despite the fact that you have an English degree and a job in sales, Sarah’s family chose a girl who can barely even hold the mic a proper distance from her mouth to deliver her eulogy. To make matters even worse, this girl is completely sobbing through her remarks, rather than just lightly tearing up at one or two appropriate moments as you would’ve done.
So, is being Sarah’s closest friend the only requirement for making a speech in front of 60 people? They know cameras are recording this, right?
Sadly, it’s not merely the speaker’s delivery that’s the problem, but the speech’s content as well. Not only were her anecdotes meandering and humorless, but they failed to neatly tie into a heartfelt message about counting your blessings. In fact, this girl is pretty much just using the whole time to say how amazing Sarah was, which makes one think she’s never even heard the phrase “show, don’t tell.”
Seriously, WTF. The speech you’re writing in your head right now is soooo much better than this garbage.
Yikes. Sarah was pretty sick for a while before she died—did she really never mention to her family that you spoke at your high school graduation and would therefore be the best choice?
Fortunately, you’ve got other friends. Hopefully their families won’t make the same mistake when they die too.
Insidious Advertising: Thousands Of People Have Begun Noticing Eye Floaters Shaped Like Cameron Winter
In recent weeks, the band Geese has come under fire over the marketing tactics that made them a viral sensation in 2025, with fans and critics alike now labeling them “industry plants.” However, their use of fake fan accounts to manipulate social media algorithms looks innocent compared to this: Thousands of people have begun noticing eye floaters shaped like Cameron Winter.
Oof. Cameron’s not beating the “psyop” allegations anytime soon.
According to a new Pitchfork article, people across the country are developing “Winter Floaters” – eye floaters that bear an uncanny resemblance to Geese frontman Cameron Winter. The phenomenon was first observed by Dr. Alicia Moore, a Brooklyn-based optometrist, whose patients began reporting “one or more eye floaters shaped like a lanky, unkempt boy with shaggy hair.” Then, after a patient specifically referenced “Cameron Winter” to describe their eye floater, Dr. Moore looked up photos of the singer and showed them to the other patients, who all confirmed that he was exactly what their eye floaters looked like.
“When they asked who Cameron Winter was, I’d tell them he was a singer for a band called Geese, and they’d look up his music and come to their follow-up appointments wearing Geese merch,” explained Dr. Moore, whose waiting room is now regularly packed with people in Geese shirts, all seeking treatment for eye floaters. “Then they’d ask why their eye floater was shaped like their new favorite musician, Cameron Winter, and that’s when I began to wonder if I’d unwittingly participated in a music marketing firm’s promotional strategy.”
Last fall, Dr. Moore presented the Cameron Winter eye floater phenomenon at a conference organized by the American Optometric Association, and found that dozens of optometrists from throughout the United States were observing the same. The doctors compared patient data, and determined that as of autumn 2025, over 6,000 Americans were affected by “Winter Floaters.” By now, the number is likely far higher.
“In light of the discourse about this band’s sudden rise to social media ubiquity, it’s hard to believe that thousands of people developed Winter Floaters around the same time by sheer coincidence,” said Dr. Moore, who clarified that Winter Floaters are harmless, except for one extreme case where a patient’s Winter Floaters multiplied in number and size to the point of permanently blinding them.
Chaotic Good Projects, Geese’s P.R. agency, declined our requests for comments.
Whether it was Cameron Winter’s marketing team who got these floaters in people’s eyes, and how they pulled that off, remains a mystery. If it was indeed the Geese team, their campaign’s success is backfiring on Winter and the band, because it’s tactics like this that are making them synonymous with “industry plants.”
Have you experienced Winter Floaters? Let us know in the comments!
Everyone Has A Special Power: This Man Emits A ‘Shirtless Man’ Vibe Even While Wearing A Shirt
Did you know that everyone has a special power, even if they don’t know it?
It could be something simple, like being kind when others need it the most. It could be something remarkable, like being a brain surgeon or a ballerina. Or, as in this man’s case, it could be emitting a “shirtless man” vibe even while wearing a shirt.
Now there’s a special power you don’t hear about every day!
When this man walks by someone, they often have to do a double take. At first glance it may appear as if he’s completely shirtless, due to his heavy “shirtless man” vibes.
Many a convenience store clerk has caught themself about to request this man put a shirt on, only to realize it was simply the energy he was giving off and not an actual lack of shirt that was causing this man to appear so incredibly shirtless.
There’s just something about this man’s combination of “I could be shirtless right now and be perfectly comfortable” confidence and vaguely inappropriate appearance that makes it seem like he doesn’t have a shirt on even though he totally does. Whether he was born giving off total shirtless vibes or it was a special power that he cultivated through years of chain smoking cigarettes and sort of looking like he just woke up all the time is unclear.
But what is clear is that this man is as shirtless as someone can seem while wearing a shirt.
And that’s a pretty cool special power. What’s yours?
Making Things Right: President Trump Has Announced That Following The WHCD Shooting, The Secret Service Agent Whose Job It Is To Let In Shooters Has Been Fired
Over the weekend, The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was tragically interrupted by a shooting that has raised many questions regarding the safety of the venue and the security measures that were in place. Fortunately, President Trump has swiftly ensured that something like this will never happen again, as he has just announced that the Secret Service agent whose job it is to let in shooters has been fired.
Now that’s now you make things right!
According to White House sources, as soon as the Cabinet members were evacuated from the Hilton, President Trump took to Truth Social to clear up misconceptions about how the shooter made his entry, and what steps were being taken following this incident.
“Sadly a DEMENTED SHOOTER decided it was appropriate to SHOOT during a Magician’s fantastic performance during the White House Correspondents Dinner. I Hear many have questioned how a shooter got inside, let alone with a SHOOTING DEVICE. I can clear this up easily. The shooter was let inside by the Agent whose “Secret Job” it is to let shooters inside.
As is Customary, the “Secretive Service” agent followed protocol at security by confirming the Shooter 1.) Had no invitation to the Gala, 2.) Has gun, and 3. *MOST IMPORTANT* Has intent to Kill. Upon confirmation the gun was LOADED (as IS REQUIRED), the shooter was ushered inside to a FANTASTIC seat (EXCELLENT VIEW of PRESIDENT TRUMP and the MENTALIST) where he was fed a GREAT STEAK MEAL!
Yes,, the SHOOTER was permitted inside, treated to Fine American “MAGA” generosity and FREE BULLETS for his Weapon. All courtesies he did NOT show us in return when he SHOOTED! So,, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, The Secret Service agent who gave him Entry has BEEN FIRED. I will make AMENDS with the Magician as well, for his excellent Mentalist show was ruined by Shooter’s SELFISH DECISION to shoot his Loaded Gun.”
Wow. It’s a very upsetting situation, but on the bright side, President Trump is quickly taking action.
White House representatives confirm that the Secret Service agent in question has been relocated to the US-Mexico border, where his job will now be to let illegal immigrants into the country so that they can be immediately deported by ICE. Let’s hope that whoever replaces this Secret Service agent does a better job letting in shooters, because this was seriously not okay.
Close, But No Cigar: The Butterflies Mom Thinks Are A Sign That Grandpa Wants Her To Know He’s In A Better Place Are Actually Signs That The Late John McCain Wants Her To Kill For Him
Brace yourself, because this is a story about a misunderstanding that’s as embarrassing as they come: The butterflies Mom thinks are a sign that Grandpa wants her to know he’s in a better place are actually signs that the late John McCain wants her to kill for him.
Close but no cigar, Mom. Right butterflies, wrong dead guy.
Ever since Grandpa died in 2018, Mom has interpreted every butterfly she’s seen in her garden or out and about as a message from Grandpa, who she thinks is trying to tell her that he made it to heaven, was reunited with Grandma, and is now experiencing the peace of God’s love. Somehow, she’s totally clueless to the fact that the butterflies are in fact desperate missives from deceased US Senator John McCain, with meanings ranging from “Kill Donald Trump,” to “Kill Melania Trump,” to “Go to Hollywood and strangle Whoopi Goldberg. Make it look like an accident.” It’s unclear why John McCain targeted Mom in particular for these missions—maybe he just thinks she’s a competent lady, or that no one would suspect her as an assassin—but whatever the reason, he’s been trying to get through to her with no luck for upwards of seven years.
Just last Mother’s Day, Mom saw four different butterflies at our family picnic, and she was 100% convinced it meant that Grandpa wanted her to know she’s a great mother to her four kids. If only she’d been more tuned in to the messages of the universe, she would have known that Mother’s Day 2025 was the day John McCain was hoping to eliminate both Michelle and Barack Obama, Malia Obama, and a guy from his neighborhood who once dented his car and didn’t leave a note. The butterflies were supposed to scream, “Today is the day to spill blood in my honor, Kelly. Today is the day of reckoning,” but for Mom, they were nothing more than a heartwarming message from her late father.
Damn. Mom is seriously blind and deaf to the messages she’s getting from the beyond. John McCain needs lots of people killed, and it looks like Mom is never gonna do it. All because she’s fixated on stupid Grandpa. Keep sending butterflies, John, and maybe she’ll wise up!
Duffel Blog
Troops say casualties in Iran should be used for maximum political impact
WASHINGTON — As tensions with Iran continue, U.S. service members have urged the White House and lawmakers that casualties during the Iran War be “effectively leveraged into a clear domestic messaging opportunity.”“Look, when my defensive position gets turned into a crater outside some oil refinery, I just want it to matter,” said Spc. Daniel Ruiz of the 10th Mountain Division, while studying a map he admitted he “doesn’t fully understand.” “Ideally, the president climbs on top of what’s left of me and delivers a two- or three-minute speech. Something about strength. Maybe jobs. Definitely how the landscape looks better now, and how it’ll look even better with a Trump-branded resort.”Ruiz said he hopes the aftermath is arranged in a way that “really frames the shot,” describing a “cinematic field of sacrifice” that could serve as the backdrop for a nationally televised address about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.“It’s not about me,” Ruiz said. “It’s about that moment before he goes back to playing golf. You want a clean visual. No clutter. Just bodies, smoke, and the president explaining how this was always the plan.”Other troops echoed the sentiment, noting that while operational guidance remains unclear, the strategic communications outcome feels “pretty much locked in.”Pfc. Tyler Jennings, who described himself as a “strong supporter,” said he hopes he survives long enough to hear the speech, which he has already begun rehearsing in the president's voice.“These incredible heroes — maybe the best heroes we’ve ever had — they gave their lives, and because of that, the markets are doing unbelievably well,” said Jennings, a soldier in the 101st Airborne Division, gesturing broadly. “People are saying we’ve never seen anything like it.”Jennings paused before reflecting on the broader meaning of sacrifice.“You don’t die for nothing,” he said. “You die for the idea that your family might eventually benefit from a system where the people at the top risk nothing and owe you nothing.”He added: "Maybe someday I can compete at the same level as Trump's kids, who just made perfectly-timed transactions in the military drone industry worth billions.”At press time, Defense Department officials confirmed service members will now have the option to direct their life insurance payouts to political action committees. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said that troops will need to opt out if they prefer the money go to their families.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at Foxhole Briefs.
SIPR podcast celebrates its tenth download
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The world’s most secure podcast, “Whispers from the Smokey Smoke,” celebrated a colossal milestone this week after recording its tenth total download. The classified celebration, attended by the podcast’s entire listener base — both of them — featured a cake of unknown origin and streamers of undisclosed colors.The podcast, hosted on the Secure Internet Protocol Router Network (SIPRNet), is so secure that even the hosts don’t know each other’s true identities. Rumor has it that they communicate through a series of nods and winks in a windowless room deep within the Pentagon, though Duffel Blog correspondents confirmed that rumor to be both dumb and untrue.“We’re thrilled to hit double digits,” said the host known only as “Smoke,” speaking through a voice modulator on a Signal voice call. “When we started this podcast, we knew what we had to say was super relevant and timely. And after three years of continuous content production, it’s gratifying to finally see the audience grow.”“Whispers from the Smokey Smoke” covers topics ranging from “The Best Kept Secrets of the Mess Hall” to “Conspiracy Theories That Are Actually Just Standard Operating Procedures.” The podcast’s signature segment, “Guess That Redacted Word,” has become a cult favorite among the extremely limited number of listeners with the clearance, patience, and functional CAC reader required to access the show.The tenth download was marked by the ceremonial cutting of a cake that was, quite literally, classified.
Finally, healthcare that understands your mission: waiting.
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“We had to imprison the baker for even setting eyes on it,” Smoke said. Attendees, all wearing blackout goggles for operational security, were guided to the cake by a series of secure, encrypted smells emitted by a classified scent dispenser.Security was tight at the celebration, with guests required to pass through three biometric scans and a pop quiz on the Joint Ethics Regulation. Party favors included redacted party hats and invisible ink pens.Despite the high-level security, morale among attendees remained high.“I’ve never been to a party where I knew less about what was going on,” said one guest, a shadowy figure known only as Deep Cover. “The mystery just adds to the excitement!”Looking ahead, the hosts remain cautiously optimistic.“We’re hoping to hit 20 downloads by 2030,” Smoke said, adjusting their voice scrambler for no apparent reason. “But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Operational security is our number one priority. That, and figuring out where that echo in our recording studio is coming from.”The podcast is available for download every second Tuesday of the month, assuming the stars align, the secure server is up, and nobody accidentally locks themselves out of SIPR again. As for the cake, it was reportedly delicious, though details of its flavor remain classified pending further review.🖊️As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.
Retirees alarmed as troops stop pretending Iran War makes sense
FORT BRAGG — Soldiers at Fort Bragg are reporting an increase in hostile encounters with retirees at the commissary, pharmacy, and post exchange, in what younger troops say is the result of a dangerous shortage of useful idiots.Retired Master Sgt. Frank Burger said he confronted one junior soldier after hearing him greet another with a sarcastic salute and the words, “For Epstein!”“I had to correct him,” Burger said. “When we were your age, we just accepted we might die for oil. The country runs on the stuff, you know.”Retirees across post said they are becoming increasingly frustrated with what they describe as a generational collapse in performative patriotism.In recent weeks, soldiers reportedly training for a possible invasion of Iran have stopped using the greeting of the day and instead begun saluting each other while shouting, “For Epstein!” “For defense contractor quarterly earnings!” or “For previously undisclosed presidential equities!”“Where are they getting these ideas?” Burger asked. “In my day, you were fighting for oil or freedom. Either way, it at least sounded like it was for the country. Now it’s like they’re workshopping it.”Senior leaders are also said to be alarmed by troops’ growing refusal to accept internal propaganda, still referred to in official channels as “command information.”
“These soldiers need to get on board with the command’s accepted narrative,” said Admiral Brad Cooper, commander of U.S. Central Command. “Lives are at risk. Who is going to storm the beaches of Hormuz for a defense contractor earnings call or someone’s personal legal exposure?”
Pentagon defunds anti–think tank missile
ARLINGTON, Virginia — The Department of Defense announced today it had terminated funding for a proposed Anti–Think Tank Missile (ATTM) system.The decision appears to contradict Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s recent move to further restrict Pentagon civilians and service members from participating in think tank panels, conferences, or any event where independent thought might occur. According to an internal Pentagon study, the ATTM was designed as a near-perfect weapon capable of “seeking and eliminating active independent thought, or even its pretense, while sorting complex national security questions.”“Thinking distracts from our mission at the Pentagon,” Hegseth said. “But thinking about stopping thinking is just too expensive given our current budget. We prefer good old-fashioned self-censorship over a new program that might actually end these tanks.”News of the system’s cancellation drew mixed reactions from the think tank and intellectual community, many of whom rushed to reassure donors that nothing about their current output resembled independent thought anyway. While some expressed optimism, most remained defensive about the relevance of their institutions and the “thinking” conducted within them.Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts took time out from his ongoing self-defenestration tour to issue a brief statement.“Look, I don’t want to misspeak about anything anymore than I already have,” Roberts said. “We have a One Voice policy here at Heritage, which requires our scholars to reach a single unified position rather than differing ones. What’s less intellectual than that? Any missile should pass right over us by that logic — unless the Jews are involved.”
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Despite the program’s demise, others were not taking chances.“It really is a time to build after all,” joked Yuval Levin of the American Enterprise Institute. “But seriously, we’ve always thought carefully about the real-world costs of missile defense, and this time will be no different.”At press time, Levin declined to comment on reports that AEI interns were frantically erecting a layered interceptor array along the side of the organization’s headquarters.Service members, meanwhile, were less sanguine.“We’ve already purged defense correspondents as an independent voice,” said one Office of Net Assessment officer speaking from a Pentagon broom closet on condition of anonymity. “What chance do any of us still in uniform really have?”🖊️Tony wants you to know he thinks only happy thoughts to stay gainfully employed and promised Kevin Roberts the Jews were in fact not involved.Dark Laughter contributed to this report.
Reservists to fight Iran one weekend a month, two wars a year
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon announced this week that a potential ground war in Iran will be conducted using a “fiscally responsible, drill-based operational model,” relying heavily on reserve component forces operating one weekend a month.“We looked at the numbers,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, a former National Guard officer. “The regular Army can’t win without the reserves. But we also can’t afford to mobilize them. Drill, however — already funded. One weekend a month, two wars a year. It’s right there in the slogan.”Under the plan, the invasion would be executed by stacking monthly battle assemblies and rolling them directly into annual training, creating what officials described as a “high-intensity three-to-four week war window.”“If it goes as planned, we won’t even need all four weeks,” Hegseth said. “D-Day was won in a day. This whole thing could be over by the next drill weekend.”“It’s all about synchronization,” said Maj. Jay Stokes of Army Reserve Command. “You stack MUTAs [multiple unit training assemblies], roll it into AT [annual training], and suddenly you’ve got a full-scale invasion funded entirely out of existing training dollars.”Officials confirmed the operation, tentatively titled Operation Battle Assembly, will maximize use of already appropriated funds while avoiding additional congressional oversight.“Normally you wouldn’t go to war in an inactive duty status,” Stokes admitted. “But it’s 2026. We’re performing budget lethality.”
To maintain compliance with funding requirements, troops will conduct mandatory administrative tasks during combat operations.“If a soldier is getting a dental exam while invading a country, that’s still a dental exam,” Stokes said. “That’s just efficient coding.”
Daily Mash
‘I’m afraid your ticket isn’t valid on this service,’ gasps train conductor, and comes
THE conductor of a train from London to Manchester has enjoyed his sixth climax of the day by telling passengers their tickets are invalid.
Oliver O’Connor admitted he volunteered to work on the bank holiday for the immense sexual satisfaction it affords as he gets to live out his deepest fantasy of ticket denial again and again.
He said: “Jesus, we haven’t even reached Stoke yet and I’ve got flat nuts. With a host of day-trippers who haven’t paid close attention to the terms and conditions yet to board.
“You don’t choose your sexuality, and it’s not my fault I get off on telling people their £85 ticket was actually for the service that left nine minutes later than the one they boarded, from the same platform, with marginally different branding. And get off hard.
“It’s just their faces as they go from dismissively showing me their QR code to realising they’ve got to pay out £110 there and then, no argument, no recourse. My cock’s twitching thinking about it.
“Of course, in my fantasies I shout ‘You thought you were so bloody clever with your Trainline and your SplitSave and your Delay Repay, but I am your master now!’ I don’t say it, though. Even on Avanti West Coast, we have limits.”
Passenger Julian Cook said: “He thinks we’re not in on it? If I wasn’t into submission and humiliation, why would I be on the train?”
What to do with the rest of your bitter failure of a life now you’ll never be a footballer
SINCE consciousness first dawned, you were determined to become a professional footballer. You’re shit at football. So what do you do now?
Become an ultra
You’ll never make the team, but you’re more committed than any mere player or board member could ever be. The intensity of your love borders on criminal: tattoos not just of the club crest but specific goals, a life built around their away games, emotions dictated by their league standing, and only dating women who support Yeovil Town. So single, then.
Play over-competitive five-a-side
Haven’t turned your passion into your job? Then it can be a hobby you take far, far too seriously. Treat your casual park meet-ups with the reverence and rage they deserve. Is everyone on the team committed to coming top of the league in the South Gloucester area, or are you going to have to start f**king screaming?
Be bitter
Vocalising your resentment every time you see a footballer who made it but didn’t deserve to, whether for Chelsea or in non-league, helps remind everyone that you’ll never get over it. Loud sighs, shouted insults, and a tirade of vitriol will be both cleansing and energising, and social media will join you in a community of broken resentment.
Start a podcast
As the adage goes: those who can’t, podcast. You have the knowledge, the passion and the need to prove yourself to wang on about every match, player transfer and manager beef for hours, and there are many out there who’ll listen just to hate you a little bit more than they hate themselves. It’s the therapy nobody involved accepts they need.
Play fantasy football
What could be closer to being an actual football manager than being a pretend manager forcing your whole office to take part in your power fantasy? They’ll all realise how nakedly important this is to you and how little anything in your life – your job, your wife, your children – is in comparison. You won’t win and will cry.
Make your kids play football
Every child needs a little direction from their parents, and living your unfulfilled dreams through them really makes them work for your love. It needs dedication, so restrict all non-football related activities, chat and ambitions until your child is good enough to go pro or old enough to go no-contact.
Get into rugby instead
Switching sporting allegiances is a big life decision and, like converting your garage or telling your wife you preferred her hair before, it’s irreversible. And worth bearing in mind that rugby has its own range of clinically disappointed wannabe pros, they’re big lads, and when they’re shitfaced they get fighty.
The Pussycat Dolls, and other bands way too old for their names
LATER this year, half an act that rode to fame on the popularity of lap-dancing will play UK arenas. Their combined age will be 137 but they hobble on regardless, as do these:
Boyzone
Manufactured in 1993 to replace Take That, this Irish boy band featured five young men still emerging, blinking, from puberty. By their 20th anniversary they’ve been married, divorced, had kids, become grandfathers and have bad backs and buggered knees. Rising from a seated position now causes their voices to go up an octave entirely naturally.
The Pussycat Dolls
Stole their name from a celebrity burlesque troupe and now they’re stuck with it, aren’t they? Nicole Scherzinger’s brave break for solo stardom failed and now she’s back with the girls taking their PVC from city to city, trying not to notice their backing dancers being far more limber than they are.
Kid Rock
Actually was a kid when he started out, though as a rapper really should have called himself Kid Rap. Sadly, his career overcame this elementary error and he enjoyed several hits before turning to shit rock and becoming the court jester for the Trump administration. Was saluted by USAF troops in helicopters, in a clue as to where they will stand in the upcoming civil war.
New Kids On The Block
Formed in 1984 by the man forever known as Mark Wahlberg’s brother, they spawned a thousand boybands as it became clear teen girls would scream at anything because they don’t give a f**k. Remember that kid at your school who was acclaimed because he could do a 180 double peg grind on his BMX? Imagine that’s all he’d ever done and he was still doing it.
Boyz II Men
Forty years on, with not long before they transition from Men II Codgers, they harmonise their way around America’s corporate events and Las Vegas residencies. If they had the choice they’d be singing ballads about lawn care, the medications they take each morning and a moving number called No, Son, You May Not Borrow The Car. But they don’t.
Spice Girls
Not currently touring but it’s going to happen, as inevitably as the death of our sun. Baby Spice will be out there appreciating the irony. The audience will be there, wondering what the f**king hell happened to girl power now they’re all post-menopausal.
We ask you: Which dictator should we send King Charles to dance for next?
OUR monarch has done as he was told and performed a humiliating little show for president Trump. Which potentate who hates laws should he do it for next?
Jordan Gardner, barista: “Got to be Big Kimmy. The Jongster. Notorious KIJ. The King in the North of the 38th Parallel. The Pyongyang Pussy Panther. You know who I mean, right?”
Helen Archer, painting restorer: “As we’re not sure who’s running Iran he’ll have to take his tawdry show from town to town, his robes getting dusty and threadbare, the gold on his carriage peeling in the heat.”
Nathan Muir, club promoter: “Who’s leading the Sinaloa Cartel currently? Because I kind of owe them and a state visit would go some way to clearing it.”
Mary Fisher, print manager: “It’s a shame Africa’s not keen on us. Soon Charles’s consummate skills at watching tribal dances while looking amused but not wholly condescending will soon be lost.”
James Bates, camera operator: “He does his pathetic little shuffle for the emperor of Latveria in Avengers: Doomsday this December before being vaporised in a pre-credits sequence.”
Lucy Parry, massage therapist: “I mean we joke, but really his entire life is one long dance to please the British press.”
Devil mostly wears Primark these days
THE Devil is flattered you imagine he can still afford designer clothing in this economy, but says you are sadly mistaken.
The decline of Hell as a major financial power means the original Prince of Darkness no longer sports an expensive wardrobe, mostly turning to Primark or H&M for his essentials.
He sighed: “You have to remember, the last film came out in 2006, pre-credit crunch. I was no sooner getting my infernal paycheck than I was blowing it all on Chanel and Louis Vuitton. The film’s title was entirely accurate.
“But two decades of economic turmoil later on? After austerity, Brexit, Trump, bloody Covid? My days of swinging by Alexander McQueen are long gone. It’s all I can do to keep myself shod.
“We’re all tightening our belts, even in the abyss. I’ve had to take a pay cut to keep the demonic horde happy. I can’t be swanning into meetings in box-fresh Balenciaga. It’s Matalan, Shoe Zone and Sports Direct, which has multiple branches down here.
“But the upcoming death toll we’re forecasting for humanity’s Q4 will really boost our turnover and I’m hoping to attract the big names to set up down here. Then maybe I’ll be able to get these cloven hoofs in Louboutins again.
“For now? I’m in Primark underpants. Honestly, I’ve had thicker and more durable loo roll.”
The Poke
23 most unfortunate times people forgot something and totally lived to regret it
One of the many joys of getting on a bit is that it seems to get harder to remember stuff. Mostly it’s just where you left your glasses, or the remote control, or your wallet, or your phone or, on a particularly good day, all four at once. These 23 times people forgot something are […]
The Poke.
‘What’s the most aggressively British thing you’ve ever witnessed?’ – 19 fearsome displays of politeness and eccentricity
British people are famous for being both polite and mild, and a little bit eccentric. But sometimes we’re so courteous to each other that it turns into a battle. And sometimes we’re so eccentric that it becomes offensive. Over on the AskUK subreddit Grindveil posed this question: ‘What’s the most aggressively British thing you’ve ever […]
The Poke.
‘What’s the best petty revenge you have had on an annoying neighbour?’ – 23 super satisfying tales of neighbourhood payback
Everybody needs good neighbours, as the theme tune of the much-lamented Australian soap went. And it’s true, because you want the people you’re sharing a wall with to be pleasant and, crucially, quiet. But do we actually get them? Well, based on this post from No_Usual_572 on the AskUK subreddit, it seems like they’re hard […]
The Poke.
30 of the funniest and most brutal takedowns from ‘Conservatives getting owned’ on Twitter
There’s a rather fabulous Twitter account called ‘Conservatives getting owned’ which features – as you might imagine – people of a rightwing persuasion being gloriously put in their place. You can find the good people of @cons_owned on Twitter here and a supremely satisfying read it is too. Here are 30 of the very best. […]
The Poke.
40 of the funniest and most inventive ways to tell someone they are stupid without actually using the word stupid
The internet is full of stupid people, so many in fact that it might have you crying out for new ways of telling them exactly how stupid they are. Which is where Redditor lientubay comes in after they went on Reddit with a question. ‘What’s the best euphemism for telling people that they’re stupid?’ And […]
The Poke.
