Scooby-Doo Retires After Taking Skydance Buyout

BURBANK, CA—Calling the decision “bittersweet,” Scooby-Doo announced his retirement Friday after accepting a voluntary buyout from media conglomerate Skydance. “While I’ve loved all the years I’ve spent unmasking villains with my friends, the writing was unfortunately on the wall,” said the cartoon Great Dane, who told reporters he was looking forward to spending more time with his nephew Scrappy-Doo. “It’s not how I wanted to end things after 57 years at Hanna-Barbera and Warner Bros., but at least I’ve made enough money to keep me in Scooby Snacks for the rest of my life. Plus, it’s better than sticking around and then getting laid off when they inevitably combine the Paramount and Warner Bros. animated dog departments.” Scooby added that Skydance’s five-day return-to-office mandate would have made his commute from Coolsville difficult. The Onion.

I Won’t Let My Son Play Football Because I Don’t Want Him In A Bisexual Love Triangle With The Head Cheerleader And Team Captain

As a parent, nothing’s more important to me than my child’s health and well-being. So when a fellow PTA mom asked me earlier this fall when my son was going to go out for the football team, I was aghast. Tackle football? Are you kidding me? Not for my son, no way. I won’t let him play football because I don’t want him ending up in a bisexual love triangle with the head cheerleader and the team captain. I get why high school football has been popular for so long, I do. The tradition. The excitement. The passion. The bonding with the chiseled, brooding teammate.  But we can’t bury our heads in the sand and pretend the facts aren’t plain and clear: My son and the North Valley High starting quarterback have undeniable chemistry. And while a little competition’s healthy, what happens when they’re both going after the same girl, while at the same time navigating the confusing and increasingly difficult-to-ignore feelings they have for each other?  A young, developing brain can’t withstand that level of drama and jealousy.   Let’s be real. Football is a contact sport. That means the athletes are constantly colliding with each other at high speeds, crashing, blocking, sacking, grabbing, squeezing, and yearning. Every day they spend hours together running these drills, helmet to helmet and cheek to cheek, staring into each other’s dazzling dark eyes and breathing in the scent of each other’s animal musk. And all of this under the watchful gaze of Brianna Peters, waving her pom-poms from the sidelines and scheming about a way to trick them into kissing. It might seem like wholesome, all-American activity until you look out from the bleachers six weeks later and realize with horror you’ve plunged the child you’re meant to protect into the middle of an erotic psychosexual throuple.  I’m horrified to think of my poor baby, barely able to walk, wincing and limping into the house because he thrusted too much. Are there rules to protect football players? Sure, but there’s nothing to prevent them from kissing on the field after a touchdown. And even if they do try to be careful, what about the locker room, the bus, an ice bath, the bleachers? I can’t bear the thought of seeing my son come home from practice every day covered in hickeys. If my son wants to play a sport, he can choose something sexless, like cross country.  I know that some football parents will say I’m completely overreacting. Their son plays football, and he’s perfectly fine. He loves it! He’s healthy! He’s a 0 on the Kinsey scale! A 1 at most! Yeah. For now. That’s the thing about football. One incident is all it takes. One moment he’s fine, and the next, bam! He’s dropping his pants and getting into the hot tub nude between starting quarterback Ethan Carter and Brianna after she triple-dog-dares him. Pretty soon, she’s kneeling down and taking both of their penises into her soft, warm mouth at the same time. Then the next thing you know, you’re standing in the emergency room sobbing as a doctor somberly explains that, well, she chomped down really, really, really, really hard. Does that sound safe to you? Because it doesn’t sound safe to me.  So those are the facts about football. And even if your child turns out to be one of the lucky ones who gets through high school without any problems, just you wait. I mean, look what happened to O.J. Simpson. The Onion.

NYSE Opens Spirit Realm Stock Trading For One Night A Year

NEW YORK—Donning antlers and hooded robes as a fawn’s entrails were spilled onto the raised platform of the bell podium, New York Stock Exchange officials continued their annual tradition Friday of opening spirit realm stock trading for one night of the year. “Only in the twilight of the hunter’s moon, when the veil between our worlds is the thinnest, can such high-yield opportunities be summoned,” said NYSE president Lynn Martin, who then downed a cup of deer’s blood as traders rushed to the imps, phantoms, and shrieking white banshees that emerged from a shadowy vortex and began selling miasma futures. “The specters of bull markets past are eager to trade on this most portentous night of the quarter, and their burning money flows into Lockheed Martin, Nestlé, and Palantir. Their gold glitters, and their fundamentals shift and morph before your very eyes, with currency hedges that are ephemeral and maddening. This is a realm without regulation or oversight, where wraiths and revenants wander for eternity seeking their fortune. But be wary of the gentle songs these spectral beings tempt you with, as some of their investment opportunities can carry a terrible curse, whether you end up with your soul forever bound to an undying company or, perhaps, owning Tesla stock.” At press time, NYSE traders were reportedly scrambling to close the portal to the spirit realm with Latin chants and holy water as Larry Ellison attempted to break through onto the trading floor. The Onion.

LeBron Shortens Commute By Having Xfinity Arena Helicoptered To New York Every Morning

The Onion.

Host Apparently Committing To Dracula Voice For Whole Party

ELKO, NV—Admiring the dedication to character but growing increasingly exasperated as the night wore on, friends of local man Paul Dorsey told reporters Friday that he had apparently committed to doing a Dracula voice for the entirety of his Halloween party. “When we got here, he said, ‘I beed you velcome’ in this over-the-top Slavic accent, and it totally made sense,” said party guest Deidre Lopez, adding that she didn’t even think twice when, shortly thereafter, Dorsey had asked, “Vould you like a glass of vine?” because he was still essentially introducing his costume. “I just assumed that after a while the vampire mannerisms would fade away and he would resume being the friend I met two jobs ago. But instead, I’m telling him about my awful roommate situation, and he says, ‘Vell, here’s vhat I vould dooooo,’ like we’re not already three hours into this thing. He really needs to drop that Dracula shit and go back to talking like the guy I play tennis with sometimes.” Lopez went on to say, however, that she respected his determination to smoke a joint without once removing his plastic fangs. The Onion.

Alaska Democrats Caught Busing In Thousands Of Dan Sullivans

ANCHORAGE, AK — In what some pundits are calling a cheap and dirty political trick, Alaska Democrats have been caught busing in thousands of Dan Sullivans from around the country right before the midterm elections in Alaska.

WNBA Reduces Finals Ticket Price To Whatever You Have In Your Pocket

NEW YORK — The WNBA announced today that tickets for this year's Finals will be priced at whatever loose change customers currently have in their pockets.

Smoke Rises From Vatican Indicating Who Pope Voted For

VATICAN CITY — Blue smoke rose from the roof of the Sistine Chapel on Friday, signaling that Pope Leo XIV had voted for a third term for Illinois Governor JB Pritzker.

Wife Relieved To Learn Husband Lost Entire Paycheck On ‘Prediction Market' Instead Of Sports Betting

SANDY, UT — Local woman Sheila Northam was reportedly relieved to discover that her husband lost his entire paycheck on the prediction market rather than on sports betting.

Jesus Tells Parable Of Foolish Servant Who Put His Talents In Crypto

JERUSALEM — The Lord Jesus spoke a powerful new parable warning the people not to be like the foolish servant who went and put his master's money in cryptocurrency.

Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume 

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.  According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.  President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There

Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there. Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.  With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City. To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.  There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma. Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours. Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!

Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.  When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”  Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.  It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’

Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.  Your move, The North Face!

Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old

A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.  Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.  During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.” “I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.” Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.  Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.

Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — A former PetSmart that recently became a Spirit Halloween store will undergo another transformation next month when Immigration and Customs Enforcement converts the vacant retail space into a temporary detention center.The announcement marks the third tenant in six months for the struggling strip mall, whose remaining businesses include a sandwich shop closed for health violations and an Armed Forces Recruiting Center."We really thought Spirit Halloween was going to bring some stability to the neighborhood," said cashier Amanda Miller. "But apparently four and a half weeks is a long-term commitment now."The conversion is part of a new DHS initiative to establish detention facilities in vacant retail properties, allowing ICE to rapidly relocate detainees into buildings that were never intended to hold human beings."Spirit Halloween has perfected this model," said one ICE contracting official. "Find an abandoned building, move in practically overnight, scare the shit out of everybody and disappear before anyone figures out what happened."Officials said the agency was particularly impressed by Spirit Halloween's ability to operate without permanent infrastructure, experienced personnel or any apparent obligation to remain in one location."It's basically our existing detention strategy, but with better signage."Contractors said converting the former costume store would require minimal renovations."We're putting two portable toilets on the sales floor, installing some temporary fencing, and adding air conditioning to the manager's office," one contractor said. "The building already has kennels from when it was a PetSmart, so that's a huge savings."The air conditioning will be reserved for ICE personnel.DHS emphasized that the facility is not a prison, since prisons are required to meet substantially more demanding standards.Several Halloween decorations will remain in place to reduce costs. Officials said the animatronic skeletons, flickering lights, and prerecorded screams would help discourage detainees from attempting to escape."Honestly, the fake chains hanging from the ceiling are a nice touch," said one agent. "We were going to install real ones, but procurement said the funding wasn't there."The agency also plans to retain the store's original customer-service desk, which will serve as the facility's legal assistance office.A sign reading NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES will remain posted above the counter.Local officials welcomed the development, predicting that the temporary detention center would bring jobs and renewed economic activity to the strip mall."We're talking about seasonal employment, security contracts and potentially dozens of federal agents buying energy drinks," said one county official. "That's economic development."Applications have reportedly surged among local airsoft enthusiasts, former security guards, and men who once attended military boot camp before being sent home for reasons they prefer not to discuss."I've wanted to serve my country for years," said newly-hired agent Roscoe Williams, adjusting a tactical vest he'd purchased at the Halloween store. "They told me I couldn't be a cop, but apparently this is different."Williams said his previous law enforcement application had been rejected following a domestic violence complaint.DHS officials said the facility would close when its short-term lease expires, after which detainees would be transferred to another location."That's the beauty of the model," one official explained. "By the time the lawyers figure out where everybody went, we've already opened somewhere else."Spirit Halloween employees expressed disappointment but said they understood the business decision."We specialize in making abandoned places terrifying for a few weeks," Miller said. "I guess ICE just found a way to do it year-round."At press time, Spirit Halloween's going-out-of-business sale had completely sold out of military uniforms, tactical vests, and fake police badges.The remaining merchandise consisted of three witches' hats, a plastic skeleton, and a costume labeled ACCOUNTABLE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, which had never been removed from its original packaging.

Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.

Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."

Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon

PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”

Five levels of denial of the adult male still in a band

ARE you getting older and are in a band that appears, to other people, to be going nowhere fast? Here’s how to justify it to yourself and your weary partner and friends. It’s just a bit of fun This is a sensible way to approach being in a band when you’re no longer in your 20s. And it’s a hobby that’s not as time-consuming or annoying as yoga, running or, God forbid, real ale. You’re not nursing unrealistic fantasies about being the next Kaiser Chiefs, and definitely haven’t considered which musical peers you might end up dating, such as Wolf Alice’s Ellie Rowsell, 34, from Archway, North London. That would be ridiculous. I need a creative outlet Yes. That’s important. Push aside doubts that the world may not need to hear your unique point of view. Or unremarkable music. What would Jim Morrison have done without the creative outlet of The Doors? You may not be The Lizard King but you do work in a Morrisons. You’re the only millennial working there who’s still stacking shelves. Ignore that fact. We’re a proper band, we tour and everything Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson pilots a Boeing 757 across the world when his band go on tour, playing massive stadiums with pyrotechnics and huge video displays. You and three other delusional middle-aged men rent a minivan and drive to Stoke, Manchester and Crewe three times a year to gig in tiny pubs where they don’t even turn Sky Sports off while you’re playing. But the same thing probably happened to Maiden when they were on the cusp of fame like you. You never know, we might get signed Unfortunately your friends, family and partner suspect they do know. And you won’t. The music industry is in disrepair and doesn’t sign young, talented musicians anymore. You’re neither, so maybe it’s time you started looking for a proper long-term job. Or you could browse guitars on the internet. Buying a classic Fender Telecaster might help. Music is my true passion Doggedly pursuing your musical ‘career’ after years of no success is admirable in some ways. However in other ways you’re a sad, deluded and increasingly aged guy who people titter at when you step on stage. It’s the classic dilemma – keep doing what you really want to do, or accept you’re never going to make it big and hang up your leather trousers. Although they were agonisingly tight at your last gig. A hint of some sort? Unlikely.

We ask you: How are you not bothering with any of this Halloween shit?

IT’S easy to feel Halloween should be a spooky extravaganza due to all the suggestions and tips in the media. So how are you deciding you can’t be arsed? Eleanor Shaw, pensioner: “I haven’t prepared a bowl of fun-size Twixes, Snickers and Mars Bars for the kiddies. If trick-or-treaters turn up, they can cup their hands and receive a portion of muesli.”  Martin Bishop, marketing manager: “I considered smothering my home in nylon cobwebs, flashing LED pumpkins and an animatronic witch. But I’ve spent years desperately struggling to achieve middle-class status and I don’t want to be the chav bastard with a cheap plastic skeleton coming out of his lawn.” Tom Logan, firefighter: “I’m celebrating Halloween the other traditional British way: making f**k all effort. I see Strictly has a Halloween theme, predictably. As as a dad I feel that’s enough of a ‘spooktacular’ treat for the kids.” Nikki Hollis, shopkeeper: “I’m going to a Halloween party as a slutty witch. Not because it’s Halloween, I’m a lifelong devotee of Wicca and I have a habit of sleeping with clearly unsuitable random blokes then boring all my friends to death about it. Again.” Ellie Shaw, accountant: “I’ve made sure my children are all snugly suited up in their Minion costumes. Not Halloween-related, it just keeps the little bastards muffled every weekend.”

Dickhead’s crypto fortune sadly recovered

Parking at work now hardest part of most jobs

FINDING a parking space is the most challenging aspect of the average working week, according to a new survey. Research found that locating a spot that was not already occupied by a car, a bit of a car, or a traffic cone, was 86 per cent more emotionally and intellectually draining than the subsequent eight hours of staring at a computer. Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The shortage of spaces at any given office means at least half the workforce is experiencing what’s known as ‘Titanic syndrome’. “It’s the angry, panicked feeling of watching the last lifeboat disappear over the horizon with Billy Zane in it quaffing champagne, as you watch helplessly from the sinking deck, contemplating your total f**kedness. “Except instead of freezing to death in the bottomless icy water, you have to go and park in the estate round the corner, where there’s a four in four chance of your wing mirrors getting kicked off by a shit. And you’ll be slightly late.” Sales manager Eleanor Shaw said: “Not getting a space is wretched, but worse still is finding out some bastard has blocked you in. You should be able to impale their head on a car aerial. “I bet Musk lets Tesla staff do that.”

Tragic: Sir Patrick Stewart will never know who won Traitors

SIR Patrick Stewart’s passing is all the more heartbreaking because he will never find out if Maya murdered Michael Sheen. The media is concerned that the respected Star Trek and X-Men actor never got the chance to see if the Faithfuls win thousands of pounds for their chosen charities, something that is of great importance to everyone. Celebrity journalist Norman Steele said: “We take for granted that we’re going to come home from a shit day at work and watch The Celebrity Traitors. Sir Patrick Stewart wasn’t so lucky. “He appeared to have everything. A dazzling career, effortless charisma, legions of adoring fans. I never met him or knew him, but I bet he’d trade it all in for an extra day, just to see if King Kenny can scrape a win. “Like the rest of us he was probably glued to each episode, letting out a theatrical groan at Richard E Grant’s slip-up and giving a hearty chuckle when Ross Kemp got bumped off. I dread to think what Miranda’s dancing did to his fragile constitution so near the end. “Either way, it’s a lesson to us all to enjoy each precious day. And if you can entertain audiences for decades with your immense talent, that’s cool too.” Sir Ian McKellen said: “We were going to order Chinese and watch the finale in our pants. The cruel mistress of fate, it seems, had other ideas.”

JD Vance says that if you want American healthcare, you need to speak English – 17 captivating clapbacks that land in any language

Another day, another clip of Magas telling you exactly who they are. During a pre-taped town hall special in Fort Worth, Texas, JD Vance shared an anecdote about taking his son to the emergency room. Don’t worry, everything was fine with his child, but the Vice President was still not satisfied with his trip. Vance […] The Poke.

Philomena Cunk is back and it sent this classic ‘King Arthur’ clip viral again and it’s all kinds of brilliant

The estimable Philomena Cunk is coming back, this time tackling cinema on BBC2 on 12 November and later on Netflix. Philomena Cunk is back and this time she’s asking the hard-hitting questions about humankind’s finest creation: MOVIES! Cunk on Cinema premieres November 15. https://t.co/ljcDIrf1J8 — Netflix (@netflix) October 29, 2026 We mention it not because […] The Poke.

The official White House Twitter account just posted a Halloween message that people reckoned was terrifying for all the wrong reasons

The war between racist and stupid will rage on for as long as there is a Maga party. The most recent battle took place on the official White House Twitter account, where enough people approved this post to share with the nation less than a week before a very contentious midterm election. Spooky szn is […] The Poke.

Abdul El-Sayed’s response to Trump saying he’d have to go through a metal detector was 24-carat gold

Michigan’s Democratic hopeful, Abdul El-Sayed, has got Donald Trump really rattled. He is more than mentally equipped to come back at the president every time he tries to trash talk the American-born epidemiologist, whose Egyptian parents are both immigrants. For example, Trump came for the name, and Dr El-Sayed was ready. Holy hell. Abdul El-Sayed […] The Poke.

An American tried to own France’s ‘lesser culture’ and it was far from the slam dunk they thought it was

Many Americans, very probably most of them, have a thing about believing that their country is better than basically every other country in the world. This isn’t news to you, we know, but this might be after one particular American kicked off a culture war – well, more of a scrap, really – with the […] The Poke.