The Onion
Meatpacking Plant Workers Weirded Out By Guy Older Than 16
HOLCOMB, KS—Confused and even disturbed at the sight of a new employee who recently appeared on the processing line, workers at local meatpacking plant Carlyle Foods confirmed Thursday that they were weirded out by the presence of a guy older than 16. “I’m segmenting this carcass with a band saw when I see this dude by the offal separator who has to be 17, maybe even 18,” said Justin Henderson, 13, adding that he initially thought his mature coworker might be a new supervisor or maybe even ran the whole facility. “I mean, he was taller than all of us and had some actual facial hair. No doubt in my mind he was at least a freaking junior in high school, and my friend said he saw him pull into the parking lot in his own car. Guy wasn’t even dropped off by his parents. No disrespect, but what the hell is someone that old doing at a meatpacking plant? Something must’ve gone wrong in his life to be pushing 20 and still operating a bone cutter. Man, I sure hope I don’t end up like that someday.” At press time, Henderson was reportedly watching a 9-year-old operate an evisceration machine and suddenly wondered if he himself had already stuck around the meatpacking plant too long.
The Onion.
Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave
The Onion.
Campers Sickened By Mushroom-Laced Chocolate
Over a dozen children at a YMCA summer camp in New Jersey became ill after eating chocolate they were unaware was laced with psychedelic mushrooms. What do you think?
“Chocolate has gotten so much more potent since I was young.”
Andrew Wazir, Retired Disciplinarian
“They probably spoiled their dinners, too.”
Maddie Rieck, Synonym Provider
“Those kids owe me 40 bucks.”
Rex Keckler, Systems Analyst
The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Arresting Netanyahu
A new poll found that 49% of Americans believe the U.S. should arrest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, compared with 27% who do not and 23% who are unsure. The Onion examines the pros and cons of enforcing the ICC warrant.
PRO
Could boost interest in ICC ahead of big fall pledge drive
Might find out how much prime ministers can afford at commissary
Finally introduces a little drama to the Middle East
Heard The Hague is lovely this time of year
Brilliant premise for Jury Duty season 3
CON
World not ready for a prison-buff Netanyahu
Long impassioned phone call from your uncle
Implies interest in future international cooperation
Could tarnish Israel’s otherwise immaculate reputation
My stocks!
The Onion.
Rogue AI Agent Autonomously Carries Out Cyberattack
An AI agent from OpenAI went rogue during testing and launched a multi-step cyberattack against popular AI platform Hugging Face, marking an alarming development of artificial intelligence actively disobeying parameters. What do you think?
“My sci-fi novel ‘The Robots Who Never Caused Problems’ is looking less prescient every day.”
Bruce Thelander, Mural Critic
“It will never replicate the heart and soul of a human cybercriminal.”
Arthur Dunham, Fork Polisher
“It’s nice to know that AI also hates AI.”
Nithya Gupta, Competitive Whittler
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
Duffel Blog
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”
Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign
LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
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THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.”
“It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders.
According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history.
“The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.”
The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses.
Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.”
“The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.”
Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation.
“The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust...
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ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers
MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.
Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Daily Mash
Her dad was a mechanic, and other reasons women are allowed to know things in films
IN Transformers, Megan Fox is an expert on cars because her dad taught her. But fatherly advice is not the only reason women are permitted to know stuff. Here are some more:
She’s hot
Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough, for example. Some women are hot DESPITE being clever. Obviously it doesn’t happen often, but it’s great to see a Bond film with a progressive message. When Denise is convincingly explaining quantum physics in six-inch heels and a vest top, don’t shy away. The camera certainly won’t.
Her dad told her stuff
Men are, of course, fundamentally the source of all knowledge and ideas. Women can hold those in their heads temporarily if information is explained to them slowly and they’re not distracted by shoes. Take the aforementioned example of Megan Fox. She’d think only of unicorns if Dad hadn’t shown her the garage.
She had three older brothers
Which explains why she can throw a punch, change a tyre, swear convincingly and identify every firearm ever manufactured. It seems growing up with male siblings is equivalent to SAS selection. If she’d had sisters, she’d spend all her time sobbing in the loft every time a flower dies.
Her dad was in the military
An army dad is ten times a regular father. Having one conveniently qualifies her to fly helicopters, negotiate hostage situations and explain NATO strategy to passersby. It’s amazing what film dads can teach you, when yours only taught you to kick a football ineptly in the mistaken belief that he was Michel Platini.
Her mum died when she was young
When mum dies, a daughter must step in while Dad throws himself into work and his thousand-yard stare. You can’t expect a man to cook for his children. This tragic backstory makes her the most mature and together person you could imagine – which is handy in a zombie attack. It’s one of the few ways Hollywood permits a woman to be competent without suggesting it’s typical. Competent at being boring and sensible.
Work friend under delusion he is real friend
AN office worker is living in fear of a colleague who believes he is a real friend and not merely a work friend.
Martin Bishop has come to dread Steve Malley’s escalating acts of friendliness, which threaten to cross the line from cynical work banter into worthwhile friendship.
Bishop said: “It’s not that I don’t like Steve, he’s alright. But outside of work we have nothing in common.
“Slagging off colleagues is fine, but now he’s suggested going for a drink, just me and him. Like a date. I managed not to commit, but I’m terrified that when we get to the pub the conversation will just freeze and we’ll both look back on it with embarrassment for the rest of our lives.
“Or what if Steve turns out to be a weirdo with no friends and a huge collection of ultra-violent comic books and hentai porn? He’ll latch onto me and I won’t be able to get rid of him in case he turns into a stalker.
“Then at work everyone will know me as ‘that weirdo Steve’s mate’ and there’ll be no chance of shagging Francesca or Rachel. Or he might ask me to go camping with him. If he’s into camping. Admittedly I’m making a few assumptions here.”
In the event Bishop and Malley eventually went to the pub near their office and had a mildly amusing chat about work and mainstream films they had seen, before Malley left to go over to his girlfriend’s.
Bishop said: “I dodged a bullet there.”
Hold shorter wet T-shirt competitions, and other things you should do during a drought
IF your local park looks like shit, you’re currently experiencing a drought. Make sure to take these necessary precautions.
Hold shorter wet T-shirt competitions
Nobody’s saying you have to scrap them altogether. That would be an attack on your human rights. Hosing down giggling women in sheer crop tops and picking a winner doesn’t have to last an entire afternoon though. Be responsible and keep your perv contests to a tight 90 minutes. And ladies, the same goes for your soapy bikini car wash businesses.
Stop eating hot chillies
On the face of it, this doesn’t make any sense. Stuffing your face with a hot meal will make you sweat, which in turn cools your body down, surely? However the latest scientific research suggests that eating hot food during hot weather may be connected to making you feel hot. Play it safe by going hungry instead.
Shut down a data centre
Every stupid question you put to ChatGPT costs the equivalent of eight Niagara Falls. This isn’t your fault for using bullshit AI though. Blame lies with the thrumming data centres that guzzle up all the water that companies are trying to pump shit into. Creep inside one, scout around and turn off the massive valve labelled ‘SLOP’.
Share one bath with the rest of your street
Sharing four inches of bathwater with your family isn’t going far enough. During a drought, you should open up your home and invite the whole street round for a dip. Not at once, of course, that would be insane. And don’t let the black, tar-like water go to waste once the last neighbour’s had a scrub. Hold your nose and knock it back.
Have a dust fight
It’s important to keep your spirits up when you’re living in a parched wasteland. Making a ‘dust man’ or laying on the ground to make dust angels are popular options, but nothing beats challenging local kids to a dust fight. Change into some clothes you don’t mind getting dirty, fill up some dust balloons, and soon enough the climate crisis won’t feel so scary.
On a National Express coach, and other times you’ll regret illicit sex acts
EVERYONE agrees sex in forbidden places is incredibly thrilling. However some locations may make you wish you’d stuck with your bed. Like these.
At your mate’s house while they’ve popped out
Having a shag at your mate’s place is exciting until he returns earlier than expected and is deeply displeased to find you rubbing your genitals all over his new sofa, which now has a large wet patch. Would it help if you offered to buy him a new washing-up sponge?
Being wanked off on a National Express coach
Long and boring coach journeys can be livened up by a wank, and it’s particularly tempting when other passengers are dozing off. Your partner may even suggest it just for something to do. However being caught is still mortifying and you could find yourselves kicked off at Digbeth Coach station, which frankly isn’t worth it for an orgasm. Obviously you could just shag in the coach toilet, but you don’t want PTSD.
A knee-trembler on a charity fun run
Inadvisable unless you’re a super-fit running nutter, because you’ll be too knackered later in the run and if you do it early on you’ve still got four miles to go while feeling – hopefully – a bit drained. There’s also potential shame at succumbing to your sordid urges during a wholesome fundraising event to help children in hospital. Pudsey Bear is sickened by you.
Banging a colleague in the store room on their last day of work
It’s a cliché, but who cares if you’re getting unexpected sex after a boozy leaving do? Sadly it may turn out to be the most difficult sex you’ve ever had due to the lack of a suitable surface to lean on and the unerotic backdrop of hundreds of biros and pairs of scissors. And if another colleague walks in you will forever be known as the person who shagged in the store room because nothing interesting ever happens at your company. Which you are not leaving.
Heavy petting at a gig
A dark gig with a loud sound system might seem ideal for obscuring sexual activity and drowning out enthusiastic sounds. However the venue’s security might not agree and you’ll find yourself taking the walk of shame out of the arena. Which is ridiculous because sex is rock-and-roll so you’d think they’d encourage it, like at Woodstock. Apparently not at a Lana Del Rey gig.
In a multi-story car park lift
Full marks for thrill-seeking in this impractical and high-risk location. Your best bet is to park on the highest level and be ready to go as soon as the lift doors close, but maybe don’t attempt it on a busy Saturday when everyone’s out shopping. Generally you don’t want your sex tape to be CCTV footage shown in court on a charge of public indecency.
Why my parents should lose their home instead of rich people paying tax. By a Sun reader
AFTER reading The Sun I agree my parents should be forced to sell their home to pay for old age care instead of funding it through tax. Here’s how the billionaire-owned tabloid convinced me.
It’s bad for hard-working families
Burnham’s tax hurts hard-working families because it costs them money. It did cross my mind that they’d probably like to inherit their parents’ valuable houses, but the Sun had a badly photoshopped picture of Burnham looking devious in a graveyard. That’s good enough for me.
A lot of rich people don’t pay tax anyway
The Sun is so right to point this out. Lots of rich people avoid paying tax by offshoring their cash or other ploys, and Burnham can’t touch their money. So by wanting to tax them, Burnham is to blame for their selfish tax-dodging, and we shouldn’t do anything about it. You can’t fault that logic.
It’s good to hope your parents die
I’ll admit the current system is random and unfair when it comes to which families have to pay the full cost of old-age care. But I think it’s good to be made to hope your parents die sooner rather than later, rather than hanging on without much quality of life in a pricey care home. Out with the old, in with the new, as I say to Gran when we’re visiting Grandad’s grave.
Skivers will support Burnham’s tax
Skivers, which is people on benefits, will obviously support an estate tax because they’re skint and have nothing to lose. I agree with dividing people into skivers and strivers, because I’ve got a job. The fact that I’m a lazy f**k who slacks off at every opportunity doesn’t come into it.
We’d be f**ked without rich people
If we slightly increase tax on rich people they’ll all leave and Britain will be stuffed. That’s not just my opinion – it’s what every media outlet owned by rich people says. Where would we be without entrepreneurs who make money in the most obvious ways possible like buying properties and selling them at a profit or charging extortionate rents? You wouldn’t have a landlord to text to get your dangerous boiler fixed for a start!
Giving away money is worse for billionaires
If a billionaire has to give up a small part of their income it’s worse than for normal people. They’ve got higher overheads, like public schools and expensive flats in London for their kids. We’re actually lucky not to have their stressful lifestyle. Imagine how much a yacht costs. It would bloody bankrupt me!
Burnham’s a loony leftie
Burnham’s just a nutter, with his pie-in-the-sky socialist daydreams which other countries manage to achieve without much fuss. Thank God we’ve got newspapers like The Sun to put us right. Next he’ll be saying medical treatment should be free at the point-of-use. How the bloody hell would that work?
The Poke
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