The post ‘Good Oscars, Good Oscars,’ Repeat Nominees In Forced Post-Ceremony Handshake Line appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Waving his arms wildly over his head and yelling as part of an apparent effort to attract attention, actor Joel Edgerton was reportedly going nuts Sunday in hopes of getting on the Academy Awards jumbotron. “Over here, over here!” said the 51-year-old Train Dreams star, who leapt from his seat and cried out upon spotting a pair of camera operators weaving among the seats at the Dolby Theatre ceremony. “Hey! Camera guy! Want to see me slap my belly? Come on, just give me two seconds on the big screen! Hey! I’m right here!” At press time, a moping Edgerton was overheard complaining that the cameras were showing Michael B. Jordan and all he was doing was sitting there.

The post Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—After flouting rules put in place to protect decorum at the Academy’s biggest night, actor Timothée Chalamet was reportedly kicked out of the Oscars ceremony Sunday evening for bringing in an outside award. “Hey, wait, I promise I won’t take it out during the show,” said the 30-year-old Marty Supreme star, who was seen attempting to shove a Golden Globe statuette into girlfriend Kylie Jenner’s clutch before Dolby Theatre security guards arrived to confront him on the red carpet. “Can I just run and put it in my car really quick? Come on, man, don’t make me throw it away. This is such bullshit. The awards you guys have here aren’t even that good.” At press time, Chalamet was spotted attempting to sneak back into the ceremony with a Critics Choice Award stuffed into his puffer coat.

The post Timothée Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award appeared first on The Onion.

A survey from West Health-Gallup found that nearly one in 10 adults say they’ve postponed retirement because of healthcare costs, with many respondents also reporting delaying job changes, home buying, or having a child. What do you think?

“I take it the other 9 in 10 aren’t retiring at all?”

Kara Schulz, Scaffolding Expert

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“My HMO specifically says all life decisions are decided in-network.”

Jaxon McCurdy, Curtain Tasseler

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“It’s fiscally irresponsible to live past 60.”

Leon Talbot, Jerky Packager

The post Poll: Nearly 1 In 10 Adults Have Postponed Retirement Due To Healthcare Costs appeared first on The Onion.

The British Parliament voted to end centuries of political tradition by removing hereditary aristocrats from its unelected House of Lords, ousting dozens of dukes, earls, and viscounts who inherited their seats along with their aristocratic titles. What do you think?

“Good luck getting the government to function without a bunch of old creeps.”

Erik Wiebusch, Reptile Behaviorist

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“I get ejecting dukes and earls, but viscounts?”

Louie Sensat, Ash Scatterer

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“I’m glad people are finally realizing that Britain is an outdated idea.”

Robin Pettry, Systems Analyst

The post Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years appeared first on The Onion.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The horror movie Sinners has officially won the Oscar for "Crappiest Movie To Win An Oscar".

HOLLYWOOD, CA — President Trump has once again been snubbed for his iconic role in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

CANYON, TX - Local seven-year-old Brayden Rogers got totally exposed this afternoon as he suffered an embarrassing hoops beatdown against his father.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

The last book in the Harry Potter series may have come out almost 20 years ago, but the Wizarding World universe remains alive and well if its author has anything to say about it: JK Rowling just revealed that Voldemort came back to life, used a spell to lift Will Smith’s 10-year Oscar ban, and then died again. 

So, so amazing. Every Harry Potter fan in the world has the chills right now!

JK Rowling delivered the incredible update on X:

How awesome is this?! The Harry Potter universe is simply the gift that keeps on giving. Looks like we’ll be seeing Will Smith at the Oscars this Sunday after all, because Voldemort’s final spell erased all the consequences he faced for slapping Chris Rock. If you love JK Rowling’s magical book series, please head to her X account to thank her for sharing such an exciting secret about the Wizarding World! 

Have a vasectomy coming up? Odds are, you have a reservation at Texas Roadhouse for around the same time. While the two have always gone hand in hand, the steakhouse’s servers have never celebrated male birth control surgery like they do birthdays…until now: Texas Roadhouse just announced that they’ve written a song for waitstaff to sing to men who are celebrating a recent vasectomy. 

Finally! It took too damn long for Texas Roadhouse to step up here, but better late than never!

Starting today, men who get vasectomies within seven days of dining at Texas Roadhouse will be honored with the same lively experience that Texas Roadhouse offers to people celebrating birthdays. That means vasectomized men will be sat on a saddle, where they may wave a napkin in the air while servers chant, clap, and sing a Texas Roadhouse original song called “Happy Vasectomy!” before serving the lucky patron one (1) scoop of ice cream. 

To drum up hype for the vasectomy celebration experience, Texas Roadhouse released a preview of their “Happy Vasectomy!” song. Check it out below!

Amazing. Worth the wait, Texas Roadhouse fans? Yes, or yes? 

“Texas Roadhouse has always been to vasectomies what Chuck E. Cheese is to children’s birthday parties, we’re just making it official,” explained Texas Roadhouse CEO Gerald L. Morgan in a press statement announcing the vasectomy celebration experience. “Our sincere apologies that it took us so long to celebrate vasectomies the way they deserve to be celebrated. We really cared about getting this right, and I’m proud to say our restaurant’s vasectomy celebration is a memorable, fun experience you won’t find anywhere else.”

It just goes to show that a little ingenuity can go a long way in making a newly sterilized man’s steak dinner one he’ll never forget. Props to you, Texas Roadhouse!

Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.

What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her. 

In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.

You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?

Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.

Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?

The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.

Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.

When former president Barack Obama hinted during a recent interview that the government may have proof of extraterrestrials, President Trump seized the opportunity to use it as a distraction from the ongoing fallout from the Epstein files, promising to declassify government secrets surrounding alien life and UFOs. But a familiar pattern has emerged: As of today, Trump has declassified the government’s files on aliens and UFOs, but the DOJ redacted all the parts where he molested the aliens. 

How does he keep getting away with this? This is the Epstein Files 2.0. 

According to unnamed sources inside the government who have seen the unredacted files, Trump’s name has been removed thousands of times from documents describing his sexual abuse of multiple aliens, some as young as 324 years old. The documents describe trips by Trump and other powerful politicians, CEOs, and celebrities, all of whose names have been carefully redacted from the massive dump of 2.3 million emails, to visit a government facility known as “Alien Trim Island” where many of the disturbing events took place. 

According to those who have viewed the documents, one particularly graphic description which has been completely redacted from the public release describes how Trump, while receiving a massage from an ethereal being covered in glowing tendrils, repeatedly groped the creature in its zorftar region, commenting, “I’ve never felt a zorftar that sandy!” Adding to the injustice, while powerful men’s names have been redacted in an apparent attempt to shield them from accountability, many of the alien victims’ names, such as Xoc-Xoc 112 and Yaldisss Pyaria, have not been censored due to apparent sloppiness by the DOJ. 

Yep. It’s clear the DOJ is basically just Trump’s private protection agency at this point. 

While it’s definitely fascinating to know that the government is in contact with aliens and that they are all being molested on a remote island somewhere here on Earth, until these files are released in their unredacted form, we’ll never know which powerful men have engaged in abusive behavior with extraterrestrial life. Justice for Xoc-Xoc 112!

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

USNS Mercy – The entire crew of the USS Breault has been placed in a medical stand-down after reporting erections lasting more than four hours, sources confirmed today.

"We were doing some … stuff, and then boom. My dick got hard," said Torpedoman's Mate 2nd Class Timmy Jimenez. "It was abnormal, like we finally got to do something we were always thinking about doing, and then it happened. But then my dick just stayed like that."

Being erect on a submarine isn't anything new. In fact, the standard operating procedure for most scenarios involves an erect penis or engorged clitoris. What's abnormal is when it lasts more than four hours, let alone across an entire crew.

"Fifth Fleet is ensuring the safety of our sailors first and foremost," said Vice Adm. Curt Renshaw while his left hand held something in his pocket. "We are fully committed to handling the medical emergency onboard until they can go home to their families."

Mercy’s skipper, Capt. Charles Dickerson, told reporters the erections were “moderately contagious.”

“Prolonged contact with amine and Otto fuel has caused uncontrollable erections among medical staff in contact with the crew,” Dickerson said while holding a clipboard over his belt buckle. “We have to treat sailors in shifts, no longer than 30 minutes per person, to avoid proximity boners.”

Reports from the Mercy’s crew describe the seriousness of the situation. According to Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Peter Johnson, several sailors’ dicks hit the weapons shipping hatch as they departed, which “sounded like an alarm bell going off.” 

Navy officials say the emergency stop came for both practical and humanitarian reasons. Sailors may lose their genitalia if the erections aren’t controlled, but that creates a secondary threat: counter-detection. 

“We found that after a confirmed kill, the collective moaning of the crew is actually detectable on sonar,” said Capt. Richard Ortega, commanding officer of the USS McFaul. “This is completely unprecedented in anti-submarine warfare, since we typically have to resort to active sonar or helicopter sweeps. But you could just stick your head in the water and hear the cries of pleasure. Or the screams of trapped Iranians.”

Several torpedomen aboard the USS Breault have reportedly lost their genitalia due to the crisis. 

“Worth it,” said Torpedoman's Mate 3rd Class Samantha “Sea Bass” Bourne. 

The “coners” — the submariners who do the actual work on the boat — appear to be affected the most. But even the nuclear technicians aft have reported significant erections. 

Engineering Laboratory Technician 1st Class Bill “Mandozer” Mendoza attributed the severity to the historic nature of the event: “They sank a frigate with a fucking erect torpedo for the first time since World War II.”

After being administered cigarettes, Rip-Its, and vapes, the crew is expected to make a full recovery.

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up. 

Do not come in here for your MOT with this One Battle After Another shit. That’s a f**king lifetime achievement award dressed up as a Best Picture Oscar, you midwit prick. That film was as confused as you’ll be when you get your bill.

Sinners? Are you taking the piss? Didn’t even deserve to win Best 18-Certificate Film The Corner Shop Will Rent You Even Though You’re Underage In 1986, though that was definitely its category.

Whereas Train Dreams was a liminal odyssey through a world we’ve lost, breathtaking cinematography, positively Malickian. Yes it’s an adjective Terry, means ‘characteristic or reminiscent of the work of film director Terrence Malick’. Christ you’re ignorant.

No, the largely silent protagonist wasn’t ‘like Grand Theft Auto III’. That was a choice. It meant he was a lens through which we view the destruction of wilderness, the joy and sadness men take in it, how it leaves them changed. If you didn’t get that you’re a dickhead.

Yeah, I’ll get to changing the bulbs on that Honda Civic, but can we at least agree in here it was far and away the most rapturous piece of cinema in 2025? I mean the Academy couldn’t but we’re not twats.

They didn’t understand working men like us can have rich inner emotional lives, exactly. Stuck-up wankers. Len, mate, if you say ‘I liked F1’ one more time I’ll f**king lamp you.

ONE was good enough for Jesus, Elvis and Buddha, but the greedy not only insist they have two first names but demand to be called by them. What can we learn from these freaks? 

Ellie-Mae

Actually has some pedigree as the name of the girl from The Beverly Hillbillies, though it’s unlikely the parent who bestowed this knows such acknowledged classics of the silver screen. Some children have their names put down for Eton at birth; babies called Ellie-Mae have their names put down on a waiting list for a trainee position at a local beauty salon.

Lily-Rose

Destined to be a waifish, pixie-like creature described with words like ‘enchanting,’ ‘elfin’ and ‘a bit wet frankly’. They spend most of their time buying scented candles and drawing pictures of unicorns. Nothing dramatic ever happens to a Lily-Rose, though they believe everything does.

Ava-Grace

An Ava-Grace is a woman who has her shit together. Forced to spell her name to everyone she meets, she naturally assumes she lives in a world of f**king idiots and takes command accordingly. Has never had a Pot Noodle and believes Love Island should be closed to shipping. Find her silently judging your shopping basket in Waitrose.

Charlie-Lou

Permanently the baby of the group. Wide-eyed, candyfloss-fuelled and incapable of outgrowing Christmas excitement, they move through adulthood with a baffling innocence. Even aged 43, a Charlie-Lou can be spotted clapping during the exciting part of a film.

Tommy-Lee

Could go either way. For men there is charisma, mischief and the faint promise of learning the guitar if not too busy attending appointments at sexually transmitted disease clinics. If female, will hang out at the same rock pubs but be f**king angry about a name that condemns her to a cleavage tattoo.

Ruby-Ann

Ruby-Anns appear to have wandered into British life from a 1950s Technicolor film. All wholesome smiles, cardigans and make-out sessions at Lover’s Creek. Permanently positioned next door to trouble, but never involved in it. How do two names add up to plain boring?

IF only she had looked up from her phone, you would be engaged and choosing names for your first four children. This is how your Central line love slipped away: 

Stage one: The glance

You spot her across the carriage, an alluring silhouette with gorgeous hair, someone new and exciting who’s not blocked you or unmatched on Bumble. No ring. A promising start.

Stage two: The smile

She’s smiling slightly. This is kismet: Dante and Beatrice, Carrie and Boris, Molly-Mae and Tommy. You’re confident it’s not because she’s looking at photos of cats in trucker hats.

Stage three: The inner monologue

You must approach her, but how to do it without ending up the subject of a viral TikTok about Tube creeps? Perhaps you should rehearse different lines while not realising you’re mumbling them oddly until you catch your reflection doing so? Shit.

Stage four: Eye contact

She looks up and sees you staring. You panic, break off and focus on an ad about erectile dysfunction.Your gaze must remain fixed on it so you don’t seem a pervert, but this is also not helping.

Stage five: Call to action

What if she gets off before you? Must you follow? Love hangs in the balance but so does your job if you get off at Mile End. Also, if you follow her and she doesn’t notice you are now a stalker.

Stage six: Montage

In your head, you’ve introduced yourself. You’ve dated, you’ve kissed, you’re married, you have two cats and an expresso machine, you still have a very healthy sex life, and now you can’t stand up because you’ve got a stiffy.

Stage seven: Your chance

She’s shifted in her seat, laughing at a meme. This means she wants you to talk to her. If only you weren’t frozen in place by fear, desire, convention and not wanting to lose your seat.

Stage eight: Desperation

Your future wife is gathering her bags. You gesture, with your eyes, for her to remove the earbuds currently cock-blocking you but she doesn’t notice.

Stage nine: Goodbye

She stands and walks away out of your life forever. You cling to your backpack like a life raft. Will she be back tomorrow? Do they still do Rush Hour Crush in the Metro?

Stage ten: Mourning

It’s over. You watch her disappear into the crowds. She’ll never know she was The One and you’re now doomed to replay this 45-second encounter in slow motion for the rest of your life. Oh, this is your station, might get a croissant.

AN invitation has arrived, and of course you have no intention of going. But how best to do so without offending the host who unreasonably expects your presence? Try these: 

Turn it down

The cleanest strategy for handling invites is also the most challenging. Going against every instinct to embrace your anti-social nature with a swift ‘F**k no’ is tough, so ingrained is pretending people are pleasurable to spend time with. It does eliminate uncertainty over whether you’re a fun or available person, helpful in the face of future invites.

Accept, then cancel

Allows you to experience for a moment the feeling of being a normal sociable person who wants to ‘hang out’ while not actually doing it. It’s most convincing to leave making your excuses to a week before the event while bemoaning the other commitment that has cropped up ‘out of nowhere’ and is ‘truly gutting’.

Ghost

May require moving house, changing jobs, or going no-contact with family, but worth it if you struggle communication, confrontation and the rigmarole of basic human courtesy. A straightforward blanking allows you to continue as if an invite never arrived, safe in the knowledge that the host will eventually give up trying.

Turn it down then accept

Reverse the established norm to give your host a rousing rollercoaster of emotion, then cancel again, then accept again, and before long they’ll be ignoring your texts. Quite a turnaround.

Refuse to commit

Ideal for those who want to give their prospective host the most anxiety possible, this option suspends your host in a quantum state of indecision, waiting for you to sync diaries, taking hopes you can make it at face value, eager to see if fictional competing engagements pan out. Eventually text ‘sorry, can’t make it’ an hour after the event begins.

THE Cheltenham Festival has concluded, and with it your chance to staple a falcon’s wing to your forehead and call it a hat. What titfer did you look a tit in this year? 

Donna Sheridan, barmaid: “As a working-class girl attending Ladies’ Day, I had to represent my community. So my hat was two lampposts with shaven-headed men climbing up them to tie on Union Jacks.”

Steve Malley, sub-aqua therapist: “My hat was a licensed bookmaker. I just about broke even. He made fourteen thousand pounds.”

Julian Cook, currency trader: “A bald cap, and over that a baseball cap. Terribly witty. Prince William was absolutely creased.”

Grace Wood-Morris, couturier: “Grenadier’s bearskin. It really complements where I am as a woman.”

Roy Hobbs, ironmonger: “You know how Kim Kardashian wore Marilyn Monroe’s dress for the Met Gala? Well, this is Abraham Lincoln’s stovepipe hat. Check and mate, bitch. Your move.”

Meanwhile, over in the country where the right-wing commentators never shut up about the UK’s lack of free speech, the president – the actual president – has been boasting about the media figures and companies he’s suppressed. He chose to do it with an infographic. Trump posted an image claiming he is “reshaping the media.” […]

The post Donald Trump’s boast about ‘reshaping the media’ accidentally said the quiet part out loud, and ‘I told you so’ entered the chat – 21 unsurprised clapbacks appeared first on The Poke.

There was no end of memorable moments from this year’s Oscars, including so many from host Conan O’Brien – returning for a second successive stint – that many people are suggesting he should take the job full time. And of all his many gags none of them hit harder or more on the money than […]

The post Conan O’Brien looked like he was trolling the Brits but it turned out to be a laser-focused takedown much closer to home and it was magnificent appeared first on The Poke.

It was Mother’s Day in the UK at the weekend and Andrew Tate – no, stick with us – went on Twitter to show everyone what a lovely and caring son he is. Specifically, he shared this screenshot in which his mother was literally overwhelmed by his generosity in whatever the opposite of a humblebrag […]

The post Andrew Tate shared a Mother’s Day not so humblebrag and it turned out to be the mother of all self-owns appeared first on The Poke.

Mega Maga Laura Loomer isn’t the sharpest tool in the box, which is probably already clear from the whole ‘mega Maga’ thing. Trump’s one-time right-hand woman has made a name for herself with controversial statements such as – Declaring that there’s a ‘war on men’. If you have a son, make sure you buy him […]

The post The schadenfreude is off the charts after an Indian journalist calmly called out Mega Maga Laura Loomer for her anti-India tweets, right to her face appeared first on The Poke.

To Air Force One now, where Trump has been doing that thing where it looks like he’s hanging around outside the toilet while taking questions from reporters. And sometimes – just occasionally – one of the White House press corps asks a question he actually doesn’t like, and this one – about the president putting […]

The post A woman reporter dared ask Trump a question he didn’t like and his response was no less outrageous for being so woefully predictable appeared first on The Poke.