LEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancée Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. “She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house,” said the 36-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end, who stated that he was already dreading the annoying warmups and drills he would have to do each morning when Swift dropped him off at practice. “I thought I was doing the podcast for my activity this year. Not the stupid NFL. My brother Jason doesn’t have to play football. His wife stopped signing him up years ago. It’s not fair! I’ll have to get up super early, the food sucks, and learning plays is so boring. Plus, the coach is so mean to me!” According to reports, Kelce was even more bummed after his fiancée told him they were having fish for dinner.

The post Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP—I need to convince him to reopen his water,” said the commander-in-chief, assuring aides they must have the royal family’s contact information somewhere since he’d spoken to the Crown Prince of Hormuz many times before. “I plan to warn him that he doesn’t want to take his chances on a war between Hormuz and America. After all, we are two of the world’s greatest superpowers and have long-standing diplomatic ties. I remember him being a very reasonable guy, so I am simply going to remind him what happened when Mr. Panama tried to test me.” Trump added that if he did not hear back from the King of Hormuz within 24 hours, he would have no choice but to attack the capital, Hormuz City.

The post Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line appeared first on The Onion.

HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. “He’s handsome, he’s talented, and he’s great with my kids,” said the 28-year-old Jenner, who described the connection she had with the Sinners star as “unbreakable” and “unmatched.” “Celebrating his Oscar win was one of the proudest moments of my life and one of the highlights of our relationship. I can’t even remember what my life was like before him. I love you, Michael!” Jenner went on to tell the story of the way she and Jordan met, stating that it felt “just like yesterday.”

The post Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. “How’s a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?” said Trump, adding that there was no excuse for him being subjected to nearly half a minute of mind-numbing small talk before Secret Service finally tackled the vice president. “From now on, we’re not only gonna have multiple agents at every door of every room I enter, but also position snipers on the roof, so they can take him out the second he’s spotted on White House grounds. I got lucky this time, but a deranged person like that won’t stop until we’re having a full-blown conversation.” At press time, Trump reportedly decided he’d never truly feel safe as long as Vance remained alive, and he immediately ordered Air Force Two shot out of the sky.

The post Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance appeared first on The Onion.

Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday.

432 A.D.

St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum.

521

St. Brigid of Kildare invents the puke and rally.

1721

First known uttering of the phrase “You think you’re better than me?”

1845

Millions of Irish immigrants come to America, where they were oppressed too, you know.

1876

Guy with a pinching fetish gets involved.

1890

Guinness begins bottling factory floor runoff to send to America.

1963

John F. Kennedy proves that the Irish aren’t all lucky.

1970

McDonald’s debuts the original corned-beef–flavored Shamrock Shake.

1989

Bagpipes decriminalized.

1999

Erin and Johnny break up and get back together four times in the same bar.

2007

The popular girls all wear matching green Abercrombie polos to school.

2015

Entire city of Boston arrested for public urination.

The post History Of St. Patrick’s Day appeared first on The Onion.

In addition to reports that he was seriously injured in airstrikes at the onset of the U.S.-Iran conflict, new rumors arose this week that the newly chosen Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is also incredibly gay. Upon further investigation, however, the signs may have always been there.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Actor Pedro Pascal received a notable honor the day following the Oscars, as he was officially named this year's Best Dressed Woman at the Academy Awards, marking a career first for the Chilean-Mexican actor.

ALEXANDRIA, VA — Senator Chuck Schumer was seen struggling with Costco security guards after failing to show his membership card at the entrance of the warehouse, an event the politician was heard loudly calling "Jim Crow 2.0."

TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women.

REDLANDS, CA — For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life's challenges by making him play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

The last book in the Harry Potter series may have come out almost 20 years ago, but the Wizarding World universe remains alive and well if its author has anything to say about it: JK Rowling just revealed that Voldemort came back to life, used a spell to lift Will Smith’s 10-year Oscar ban, and then died again. 

So, so amazing. Every Harry Potter fan in the world has the chills right now!

JK Rowling delivered the incredible update on X:

How awesome is this?! The Harry Potter universe is simply the gift that keeps on giving. Looks like we’ll be seeing Will Smith at the Oscars this Sunday after all, because Voldemort’s final spell erased all the consequences he faced for slapping Chris Rock. If you love JK Rowling’s magical book series, please head to her X account to thank her for sharing such an exciting secret about the Wizarding World! 

Have a vasectomy coming up? Odds are, you have a reservation at Texas Roadhouse for around the same time. While the two have always gone hand in hand, the steakhouse’s servers have never celebrated male birth control surgery like they do birthdays…until now: Texas Roadhouse just announced that they’ve written a song for waitstaff to sing to men who are celebrating a recent vasectomy. 

Finally! It took too damn long for Texas Roadhouse to step up here, but better late than never!

Starting today, men who get vasectomies within seven days of dining at Texas Roadhouse will be honored with the same lively experience that Texas Roadhouse offers to people celebrating birthdays. That means vasectomized men will be sat on a saddle, where they may wave a napkin in the air while servers chant, clap, and sing a Texas Roadhouse original song called “Happy Vasectomy!” before serving the lucky patron one (1) scoop of ice cream. 

To drum up hype for the vasectomy celebration experience, Texas Roadhouse released a preview of their “Happy Vasectomy!” song. Check it out below!

Amazing. Worth the wait, Texas Roadhouse fans? Yes, or yes? 

“Texas Roadhouse has always been to vasectomies what Chuck E. Cheese is to children’s birthday parties, we’re just making it official,” explained Texas Roadhouse CEO Gerald L. Morgan in a press statement announcing the vasectomy celebration experience. “Our sincere apologies that it took us so long to celebrate vasectomies the way they deserve to be celebrated. We really cared about getting this right, and I’m proud to say our restaurant’s vasectomy celebration is a memorable, fun experience you won’t find anywhere else.”

It just goes to show that a little ingenuity can go a long way in making a newly sterilized man’s steak dinner one he’ll never forget. Props to you, Texas Roadhouse!

Brace yourself, because trying to make heads or tails of the following story is definitely going to take some mental energy: This man wrote happy birthday on his wife’s Facebook wall.

What could possibly be going on here? Surely there’s a better way he can reach her. 

In honor of his wife Sharon’s birthday yesterday afternoon, West Hartford, CT resident Paul D’Amico chose to write on her Facebook wall, even though that’s a celebratory gesture primarily used by forgotten acquaintances from high school, not the person who presumably loves you more than anyone else in the world. His message now sits publicly alongside several other birthday posts written by people Sharon barely knows, who clearly had no other way to contact her.

You live in the same house with her, don’t you? Can’t you just say happy birthday in person?

Maybe there’s some reason that Paul thinks he needs to say happy birthday to Sharon on every possible medium, and he wrote the post in addition to texting her “happy birthday,” sending her a “happy birthday” Snapchat, and giving her a thoughtful birthday card. However, it’s still unsettling to see Sharon’s life partner and father of her children write on her Facebook wall like he’s some estranged cousin who only found out it was her birthday because her name was listed under the “Today’s Birthdays” tab.

Seriously, why would you ever write on your wife’s Facebook wall? What’s this guy’s deal?

The situation becomes even more muddled when you consider the fact that Paul’s message merely said, “Happy bday,” which was distinctly less heartfelt than the one from Sharon’s middle school field hockey coach that read, “May your next trip around the sun be full of light and joy! Sending you blessings. Xo.” At this point, you’ve got to hope that Paul was just tossing off the Facebook post while he prepared a special birthday dinner for his wife, because if not, this post could be a sign that things are not going well between them.

Goddamn. While there’s no clear reason why someone would use Facebook to communicate with their spouse, here’s hoping the best for Paul and Sharon. It’s lunch time now, so we are going to stop thinking about this.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

NAMING your child after a once-popular TV show or celebrity was always stupid, and now the poor victim is old enough to hate you for it. These were a mistake: 

Joffrey, from Game of Thrones

Children really have been called this, presumably sounding slightly posh overshadowed Joffrey being a psychopath who sadistically murdered a prostitute with a crossbow. Tyrion would have been better, at least he’s only a Machiavellian smartarse.

Taylor, from Taylor Swift

Naming your child after the biggest female artist on the planet feels obvious and lazy, but at least she’s stuck around. It’s better than naming a kid after 2011 chart favourites Dappy, Pixie Lott or Military Wives with Gareth Malone.

Katniss, from The Hunger Games

She brings down a whole unjust society, so that’s unfair pressure on a youngster. Also Katniss, actually a type of plant, is a silly name only chosen to sound futuristic and sci-fi. The parents might as well have followed their true desires and named you Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Hermione, from Harry Potter

Dated, but still a fairly acceptable middle-class name like Annabelle or Charlotte. Except that you’re undeniably named after the Hogwarts Hermione. Being told ‘Do Wingardium Leviosa!’ every time your bag’s thrown on top of the science block will make a child resentful.

Leo, from Leonardo DiCaprio

Used to be okay because back in the 2010s he was a famous, talented, 30-something actor. Now he’s 51 and noted for shagging much younger women. Your son’s classmates may well opt for the nickname ‘Paedo’.

Neo, from The Matrix

Neo is iconic but the franchise is old and considered a bit shit now, so your son is bound to face some mockery. And when bullied, he can’t use his deadly blend of martial arts and bullet time to scythe down his opponents because he does not know kung fu, and will get his head kicked in.

Neytiri, from Avatar

Proves your parents are morons who thought a simplistic CGI blockbuster full of ‘natives are spiritual and close to nature’ bollocks would have staying power. Yes, people watch the sequels. No, nobody knows a single character’s name.

Zooey, from Zooey Deschanel

Your daughter will be justifiably annoyed at being placed under lifelong pressure to be a manic pixie dream girl. Even if she bows to it a string of failed relationships await, because guys quickly realise manic pixie pain-in-the-arse is more accurate.

Dexter, from Dexter

Being named after a fictional vigilante serial killer is bad on many levels, not least nominative determinism. However much a fan of anything you are, automatically naming your child after it is not good parenting. Otherwise children of Warhammer dads would be named Adeptus and Necron, which they’re not. Yet.

HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these: 

Blur by Blur, 1999

Made rich men by faux-Cockney anthems but beaten in the Britpop wars by Oasis, Blue felt they’d earned the right to tit about in a Reykjavik studio then release the aimless noodling and see what happened. The singles had tunes, but the rest of the formless jams made you yearn for the grating oompah posturing of Country House.

Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino by Arctic Monkeys, 2018

After a decade of beautifully observed kitchen-sink vignettes and success, Alex Turner was bored with it. As a nice change, his band recorded an entirely unrelatable album of mock-grandiose lyrics over a parody of 60s lounge jazz. Then, because that didn’t quite lose them all their fans, they did another one the same but worse. That did it.

Their Satanic Majesties Request by The Rolling Stones, 1967

They were the cooler, edgier Beatles, neck-and-neck for chart domination. Then the Stones threw it all away with an album of hippy twaddle containing all the studio wankery of British psychedelia but without any of the charming whimsy or the tunes. Thankfully the sensible influence of Bill Wyman prevailed thereafter, and they did what they were good at.

Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins, 1998

Never far from their arses at the best of times, Billy Corgan responded to becoming one of the biggest rock acts in the world with an album combining folk with electronica to capture both ‘the ancient’ and ‘the future’. Nobody really liked it and it confirmed his view he was a doomed, useless loser whose fans were braindead philistines, so everyone was happy.

Tusk by Fleetwood Mac, 1979

After recording Rumours, an album so popular your Gen Z cousin is vibing to it even now, the Mac naturally followed it up with a double-album of experimental weirdness including home demos and a marching band. After which, as is traditional, everyone f**ked off to do solo albums before reforming to do 80s soft rock for tax reasons.

Kid A by Radiohead, 2000

Desperate to shake off the trappings of commercial success, the boys released an idiosyncratic record full of cut-up vocals, free jazz, and entirely devoid of soul. Sadly, the attempt to slink back into obscurity backfired spectacularly when, with crushing inevitability, the public lapped it up. ‘Sometimes you’re too big to fail,’ sighed Thom Yorke.

CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country: 

Denmark: sex

As newly discovered by the media, the Danish are incredible at sex! When not building Lego or pig-farming, both of which are very sexy occupations, every Danish person spends at least five hours a day locked in fulfilling sexual congress. Oh, aren’t they just wonderful with their ørgåsms. Don’t you wish you were like them.

Norway: being warm in front of a fire

You might think you, as a resident of a cold country used to wearing layers, are equally as good at passively absorbing warmth as a Norwegian, but you’d be wrong. They’re Scandinavian and they bring a refined glamour to it which you, living on this parochial island, could never imagine. Also they wear a chic cable-knit and you wear a fleece.

Germany: burping the house

Over in Germany they do this wonderful, wonderful thing called ‘burping the house’ where they open all the windows first thing in the morning so the air can circulate, and so they never have damp! What? Isn’t the house freezing? Irrelevant. What if it’s raining? Don’t be small-minded. Just revel in the wisdom of our continental betters.

France: drinking wine

And France, of course, are the masters of drinking wine. They don’t drink to oblivion like foolish, benighted Brits. Instead they order a simple vin blanc with lunch, a vin rouge with dinner, a pastis at a café, a cognac in the evening. Ignore that they have the highest number of deaths from alcohol in Europe. They’re so fantastically civilised!

Italy: eating

You think you know how to eat? What, just because you shove edible items into your face and metabolise them? That’s cute. No, you know nothing of how to eat, not compared to the Italians for whom eating is life, art and beauty. From olive oil to pasta to olive oil again, they’re so superior that you really shouldn’t eat at all if you can’t do it with their passione. 

Spain: sex again

So hot-blooded, so alive, so fiery; how could they not excel? Compared to you pale abominations who cannot remove even a sock without giggling in embarrassment, the Latin lover is a god. Also, they’re better at dancing, football, the tango, writing Don Quixote, eating, drinking wine, being warm and probably ventilation too. You really are pathetically British.

THE long-held suspicion that it is impossible for women and women to have genuine friendships has been proved by researchers. 

A study which included peer-reviews of bitchy WhatsApps, lab measurements of subtle, withering comments about each other’s wardrobes and longitudinal studies concluded that women are incapable of friendship with women.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “What was a popular theory is now a scientific fact. Disagree and you’re as deluded as a flat-Earther.

“Women may all appear to be close confidants to the untrained, male eye. Look closer and you’ll see even the closest of friendships is a long war motivated by fiery hatred and a refusal to concede superiority. And if they’re actual sisters even more so.

“Resentment runs through everything women do. Hen parties are a calculated humiliation ritual. Weddings only exist to establish dominance over their closest enemies. Even their slumber party pillow-fights are just a controlled release of physical rage.

“Compare this to how well women get on with men. Often their friendship blossoms into ill-judged sex and occasionally marriage. After which they stop talking, but still.”

Woman Helen Archer said: “Who did they do this study on? I bet it was Emily, that f**king bitch.”

AN injustice has been done. And if any of you bastards here replacing tyres dares suggest Train Dreams’s sublime meditation on civilisation rightly lost, I will f**k you up. 

Do not come in here for your MOT with this One Battle After Another shit. That’s a f**king lifetime achievement award dressed up as a Best Picture Oscar, you midwit prick. That film was as confused as you’ll be when you get your bill.

Sinners? Are you taking the piss? Didn’t even deserve to win Best 18-Certificate Film The Corner Shop Will Rent You Even Though You’re Underage In 1986, though that was definitely its category.

Whereas Train Dreams was a liminal odyssey through a world we’ve lost, breathtaking cinematography, positively Malickian. Yes it’s an adjective Terry, means ‘characteristic or reminiscent of the work of film director Terrence Malick’. Christ you’re ignorant.

No, the largely silent protagonist wasn’t ‘like Grand Theft Auto III’. That was a choice. It meant he was a lens through which we view the destruction of wilderness, the joy and sadness men take in it, how it leaves them changed. If you didn’t get that you’re a dickhead.

Yeah, I’ll get to changing the bulbs on that Honda Civic, but can we at least agree in here it was far and away the most rapturous piece of cinema in 2025? I mean the Academy couldn’t but we’re not twats.

They didn’t understand working men like us can have rich inner emotional lives, exactly. Stuck-up wankers. Len, mate, if you say ‘I liked F1’ one more time I’ll f**king lamp you.

If geography and current affairs are not your strong points, then the current situation in the Middle East will have left you feeling all at sea – the Arabian Sea, to be specific. Luckily for you, the Daily Show’s satirical genius Jon Stewart has recorded an explainer to get you up to speed. .@jonstewart Iran-splains […]

The post Jon Stewart’s brutal Daily Show explainer on the Strait of Hormuz hilariously dragged Trump into next year appeared first on The Poke.

Not the first time we’ve turned to Emily Maitlis to totally nail the situation the world finds itself now, and it won’t be the last. And when we say ‘the world’ what we really mean is Donald Trump, whose dug not so much a hole with his war on Iran as a black hole which […]

The post Emily Maitlis on the nightmare Trump has created for himself and everyone else totally nails it appeared first on The Poke.

Leaving a job triggers a variety of feelings depending on the circumstances. You might feel a bit sad, hugely relieved or completely thrilled. And sometimes you feel an enormous sense of vengeance that can only be expressed in the most harmless of ways. They’ve been chatting about this on the AskUK subreddit after user DamlyMyFrank […]

The post ‘What’s a great April Fool, before I’m ‘exited’ from my job?’ – 23 magnificently petty ways to say goodbye appeared first on The Poke.

Well this is a turn up for the books. Everyone’s favourite failed actor, singer and wannabe politician, Laurence Fox, posted a Tweet which seems to support the importance of civil discourse and the benefits of ‘agreeing to disagree’ with ideological opponents. This is the same Laurence Fox who has burned Pride flags, called opponents ‘paedophiles’ […]

The post Laurence Fox’s anecdote of a stranger approaching him in ‘StabsVille’, London, generated a whole lot of chinny reckon – 16 highly sceptical replies appeared first on The Poke.

A lot has happened since the 2024 US presidential election campaign. Let’s face it, under Trump, a lot has happened since last week. However, if you cast your mind back to the campaign, you’ll no doubt remember the relentless barrage of articles, clips and comments about President Joe Biden’s mental decline after the 80-year-old stumbled […]

The post Trump referred to Gavin Newsom as the President of the USA while he was in the middle of mocking the governor’s cognitive abilites – 19 exploded irony meters appeared first on The Poke.