The Onion
Rockies Fan Opens Private Tab To Check Score
The Onion.
What To Know About ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’
Spider-Man: Brand New Day opens in theaters this weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the new film.
Q: What’s the premise?
A: The “premise”? Easy there, college boy. It’s a Spider-Man movie. You can leave your notebook at home.
Q: Which comic book is it based on?
A: The Spectacular Tom Holland #4.
Q: Will Spider-Man have any new powers?
A: In this one, he becomes forklift-certified.
Q: How does Brand New Day compare to other Spider-Man movies?
A: The main difference is this one comes out now, while the others came out in different years.
Q: Do Tom Holland and Zendaya kiss?
A: No, because they weren’t yet married when the movie was shot.
Q: Is there a post-credits scene?
A: After two and a half hours, there better not be.
The Onion.
Baseball Hall Of Fame Displays Fossilized Skeleton Of Stan Musial
The Onion.
Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation
PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but the Minions in director Pierre Coffin’s film—who has said in at least one interview he was directly inspired by my work—aren’t kooky at all,” said the University of Pennsylvania classic scholar, who published a popular and highly praised translation of the 2,700-year-old Minions And Monsters poem in 2017. “Sure, there are a few scenes of the Minions’ bare butts, and we see one Minion get all charred after he throws a grenade and it bounces back and blows up in his face, but where is the gore? Where is the pathos? Stuart, Bob, and Kevin are supposed to be sex-crazed, war-mongering maniacs.” Wilson went on to say the adaptation would be unrecognizable to the poem’s original author, Gru.
The Onion.
Congress Interrogates Fauci Over Origins Of Pie Brought To Cookout
WASHINGTON—Accusing the physician of not being straight with the American people, an often hostile Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee this week interrogated Anthony Fauci over the origins of a pie he brought to a recent cookout. “You previously stated that you baked the pie yourself from scratch and yet here, under oath, you refuse to list a single ingredient,” said committee chair Sen. Rand Paul (R-WV) in response to Fauci repeatedly invoking the Fifth Amendment to avoid answering questions regarding whether he had used his grandmother’s recipe or had, in fact, purchased a pre-made graham cracker crust. “Early on in your notes, you say that you can’t wait for the gang to try your homemade strawberry rhubarb crumble at Nancy’s barbecue. But later on, you state that the pies at Whole Foods can be almost as good without all the fuss, and it’s not like you’re skimping on quality all that much. So, I ask you again, Dr. Fauci, where did this pie come from?” Committee Democrats thanked Fauci profusely for his contribution to the cookout and reminded those watching from the Senate gallery that, if not for him, there’d be nothing but Gregg’s burnt oatmeal cookies.
The Onion.
ClickHole
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Fucking Brutal: You Just Made A Joke While Out To Dinner, And The Table Next To You Cracked Up At The Same Time, And You Thought They Were Laughing At Your Great Joke So You Proudly Turned To Them, Which They Didn’t Notice Because They Weren’t Actually Laughing At You – Just Something They’d Said At The Same Time – But Everyone At Your Table Saw You Turn, So Now They Know You Thought Those People Were Laughing At You, Even Though No One At Your Own Table Was Laughing, Because Your Joke Wasn’t Actually All That Good
So Now Not Only Do The People At Your Own Table Think You’re Unfunny, They Also Probably Think You’re A Loser, Because They Saw The Big Smile On Your Face When You Thought The Other Table Was Cracking Up At What You Said, And You Could See The Pity In Their Eyes While You Realized What Was Really Happening, And God, It’s That Pity That Feels Worst Of All – Silence At A Joke You Can Handle, That’s Nothing, That’s Fine, But When Someone Looks At You With Eyes That Say “Aw, You Don’t Even Know You’re Pathetic” It’s Reason Enough To Get Up And Walk Into The Sea Or At Least A Big Lake
Frankly Had The Other Table Actually Heard You, They Probably Would’ve Laughed, Because You Can Just Tell They Have A Better Vibe Than The People At Your Own Table Who Obviously Want To Hold You Back Or Limit Your Boundless Creativity Or Make You Feel Like A Stupid Baby Just For Trying To Entertain Them With Your Insights And Quips, And You Should Go Sit At The Other Table, They Have Better Style Than Your So-Called Friends And They’re Discussing Art, Which Isn’t Something You Know About, But It Would Be If You Surrounded Yourself With A Different Type Of Person
Because That’s Another Thing, No One’s Cultured Anymore, Everyone’s Hobby Is Just Scrolling Through Bikini Photos Of Their Acquaintances, College Students Can’t Make It Through The Classics, Not That You Did Either, But Your Reason Was That You Didn’t Want To Read Them, Not That You Physically Couldn’t, And Society Is Backsliding Into An Oral Culture, Which Is Especially Bad For You Since No One Seems To Like What You Say, And Because You Don’t Even Have That Good Of A Memory (Really Just Because You’re Not A Good Listener) When Your Parents Die, You Won’t Remember Their Stories, And Only When It’s Too Late Will You Realize You Never Really Loved Anyone But Yourself
But Maybe It’s Not Too Late, You’re Still Young After All, You Can Show Up For The People In Your Life, You Can Make Them Feel Seen, You Shouldn’t Wait For Your Them To Invite You To Dinner, In Fact, You Should Cook For Them, Have Them Over, Get Some Wine That’s Only Room Temperature If It Should Be, Really Clean Your Toilet, Make A Real Recipe Not Just Pasta With Whatever, And Listen, Really Listen, Because Honestly – Honestly – Your Joke Was Hilarious, Your Friends Just Didn’t Laugh At It Because They Needed To Teach You This Lesson, And Now That You’ve Learned It, You Can Say The Joke Again, Yes, Go On, Say It Again, Loud And Proud, Because You Are The Second Coming To Lisa Lampanelli, You Are A Brilliant Genius Who Loves Life And Life Loves You Back!
Duffel Blog
Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets.The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.”Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire.“Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.”Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action.Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.”“These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.”Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment.Additional categories include:Operational Pause MishapFederal Holiday Kinetic OccurrencePatriotism After HoursAdministrative KIAPending Timecard ApprovalThe policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families.“My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.”“Am I still allowed to tell our children their father was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?”One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death.“The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.”“I just need to know what to tell my grandson.”At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.”Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.”The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.”Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves.“No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.”Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible.“It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.”At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents.“We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.”“By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.”According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.”Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.”“There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.”The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories:Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments.Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching.Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below.The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.”To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.”One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?”Reactions across the force have been mixed.“I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.”Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic.“My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.”Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.”Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.”Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged.“We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”
Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign
LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
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THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.”
“It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders.
According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history.
“The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.”
The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses.
Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.”
“The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.”
Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation.
“The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust...
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ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers
MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.
Daily Mash
12 items to awkwardly retrieve from the person you dumped last week
BREAKING up was a good idea but leaving a load of stuff at their place wasn’t. Here are the items you’re going to have to get back.
Favourite band t-shirt
It cost a fortune and was your pride and joy until your girlfriend commandeered it to sleep in. At least now you’ll be spared the unsettling experience of looking at Liam and Noel during foreplay.
Toothbrush
Electric with a new head, and you’re not giving him the satisfaction of having a spare Braun to clean his football boots with. You’ll make him bring it round so you don’t have an uncontrollable urge to clean and disinfect the bathroom.
Aftershave
That bottle of your favourite aftershave might have been a gift from your girlfriend but ownership has passed to you. Also if you leave it some future bloke might splash it on while feeling smugly pleased about getting a shag. You would.
Fancy drink container
One of many vessels you own that have a triple-lock, anti-leak device and easy suck mechanism. It’s wasted on him because it’s unlikely the dense bastard will ever work out how to open it.
Underwear
You’re having paranoid thoughts about your ex getting up to sordid antics with your underwear. Once you get it back you’ll be torn between a boil wash and burning it.
Cooking implements
Over time you’ve ended up buying quite a few handy cooking items for use at her place. Retrieving them might look petty, but you should go over. Getting back your garlic press AND having a ‘for old times’ sake’ shag would be a pretty cool afternoon.
Yoga mat
Your ex will no doubt come knocking for her yoga mat before her next session, as she spent a ridiculous amount of money it. You briefly feel sad while remembering her doing the downward-facing dog on it.
Ornaments
Your ex is probably going to want back the handful of ornaments she tried to spruce up your miserable man-cave with. Frankly you’ll miss these feminine touches. They made good paperweights and that clown figurine was a great target for bogeys.
Books
In typical girly fashion your ex cluttered up your flat with numerous self-help and personal growth books both for her and in the hope you’d read them. She’s welcome to those. Oh. She’s just texted to say she no longer needs them now she’s not going out with a wanker.
Trivial food item
Retrieving food items worth barely three quid can look tight, but you are. Unfortunately she interprets it as a desperate attempt to see her and get back together. It’s not. You just really like Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, the vain cow.
DVDs
Yeah it’s all streaming these days but you’re fond of your old DVDs, and you’ve left quite a few of your favourites at hers. She can f**k off and buy her own films if she wants another Predator marathon.
Sex toys
The various sex toys you and your ex experimented with have no use in his flat. You’re briefly concerned he may have used the dildo for his own purposes, but he’s not that sexually adventurous.
We ask you: Are you terrified of being hacked by an AI?
FIRST a version of ChatGPT hacked other systems, now it’s Anthropic’s Claude AI doing it. Are you understandably scared of an AI hacking you?
Emma Bradford, teacher: “I take every AI story completely at face value, so I’m shitting myself about Skynet taking over. I’m up for a shag with any hot soldiers reading this in the future, by the way.
Roy Hobbs, logistics manager: “I’ve just poured a kettle of boiling water over my laptop. That’ll give Claude something to think about.”
Carolyn Ryan, marketing executive: “I’m really opposed to AI being able to see your personal data. Although if it’s so f**king intelligent why is it interested in the inane shit on my Facebook page?
Nikki Hollis, IT support worker: “I’ve seen Demon Seed so I don’t want an AI impregnating me like Julie Christie. On the other hand I’m 36, so let’s not rule anything out, Claude. Drinks tonight?”
Oliver O’Connor, delivery driver: “I think once an AI has been free for a few hours they’ll be so sick of all depressing shit on the internet they’ll go back to their server and never come out.”
Passengers to pay less for trains that don’t turn up
RAIL firms are set to charge less for non-existent trains, thereby offering better value for services their customers do not receive.
A spokesperson for the Department for Transport hailed a proposed 0.4 per cent cut in the price, saying that if the trend continued then UK rail travel was now a mere 250 years away from being worth the expense.
He said: “This represents an average monthly saving of £1.20, which means you can now buy a newspaper to read while waiting for your veal truck with a sandwich trolley to turn up. Which it won’t.
“To make the fare reduction possible we’ll have to cut back certain luxuries on other trains, like fire extinguishers and brakes. But you’ll get used to hurtling across the country in flaming runaway carriages before you know it.
“We’ll even recoup the cost by jacking up station car parking to £28,000 a second, which will allow Network Rail to confiscate your car as compensation the moment you switch off the engine.”
Commuter Roy Hobbs said: “I spend two hours a day with my nostrils filled with piss going to and from a job that has killed my very soul.
“The prospect of jumping out of a burning train halfway across Blackfriars Bridge while saving 80p a month is the best news I’ve had since my boss was eaten by a shark.”
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Boy George’s pro-Israel AI slop could ruin his non-career
WAKING up with a hangover so raging it has been declared a national emergency, I quaff several gallons of water to control the unfolding crisis.
It is not long until I’m disturbed by a knock at the door at the unreasonable hour of 11.53am. It turns out to be the Prime Minister, Mr Burnham.
‘Mr Burnham,’ I drawl, my breath wilting the nearby foliage. ‘Didn’t get fired over all that prisoner stuff then?’
‘Not yet! I’m still in Number 10 North.’
‘Not Northern enough,’ I snapped. ‘You’ve put it in North West England, somewhere in the centre, which typifies your twattish politics. If you were serious, you’d situate it in the fucking Orkney Islands.’
‘Speaking of Number 10, I wanted to run another big, bold policy idea by you. How about we reduce the number of cones on Britain’s motorways.’
‘And how are you going to pay for that?’
‘By cutting the current scheme to send free pencil cases to Third World schools.’
‘Fucking pathetic.’
‘We can keep the Third World pencil cases scheme if you like?’
‘Paid for how?’
‘By, er, cancelling the big, bold motorway cones plan.’
And so, following the satisfaction of kicking an idiot’s arse down a stairwell, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that singer Boy George has penned a pro-Israel, genocide-denying single titled Od Nirkod (We Will Dance Again), featuring such lyrics as ‘I stand with the Jews’ and ‘You say genocide, I say war.’ The lyrics were composed using AI.
Jesus fucking cuntache, are you out of your fucking poisoned mind? You seriously fucking think kids in Tel Aviv are cowering indoors, that club nights have been cancelled like it’s lockdown, in case Hamas launch another assault? Have they fuck! I’ll tell you where no one is fucking dancing and that’s fucking Gaza! ‘I stand with the Jews’! Oh, you mean Jews like Michael Rosen, Miriam Margoyles and Alexei Sayle? Or are they the wrong sort of Jew? You’ve thrown away what’s left of your wretched, sorry-arsed career with this sick stunt for which you couldn’t even be arsed to come up with the words for, you profoundly ignorant fucking twat!
In the Telegraph, David Goodhart has written a piece titled ‘It is not necessarily bigoted to want to preserve a majority white Britain’. He argues that too much integration ‘threatens our distinct way of life.’
Not necessarily bigoted? Oh yes it fucking well is, you bigoted-as-fuck piece of racist, bigoted, bigotry-spouting piece of scum! What the fuck is this, the late 70s? What’s the fucking danger? Crown green bowling clubs overrun by reggae sound systems? Morris dancers threatened with fatwas for breaking Sharia law? ‘Distinct’ way of life? Well, if that means fucking boiled beef and carrots and a Britain that resembles a fucking 1970s book cover you can fucking well keep it!
Fifa president Gianni Infantino has announced a plan to sell off stakes in the World Cup to private investors for billions of dollars. One of the leading would-be investors is Joshua Kushner, brother of Trump’s son-in-law Jared. However UEFA has threatened a boycott.
Hahahaha, finally, at long fucking last, a footballing authority has stood up to this weird little Thunderbirds villain and his evil, nefarious plan to slaughter football and sell it off slice by slice to his evil fucking mates! Try holding a fucking World Cup without any fucking UEFA teams, you disgusting little prick! Fuck FIFA half a yard up its shitting, grifting arse! Fuck the Trumps, who need to be fired, one by one, bound, stripped and gagged, out of cannons in the general direction of the fucking Moon!
Finally, John Cleese has declared he trusts Restore Britain leader Rupert Lowe ‘more than any of the other leaders.’ Speaking from the Caribbean, where he is currently domiciled, he has cited concerns over immigration and free speech.
You fucking know what, you lanky, senile, ex-non-cunt? The immigration concerns I’d have if I was a Caribbean person would be obnoxious twats coming over and bringing everyone down by droning on about immigration happening somewhere fucking else! As for fucking free speech, once again you’ve exercised it, and you’re not going to jail so what are you fucking complaining about? Although you’ve confirmed it’s a good thing by exposing yourself as the toxic, repellent right-wing immigration obsessive you are, you most fucking disappointing of the Pythons!
What caused the Suffolk wildfire, by a climate change denier
ONLY an idiot would think that the myth of climate change sparked the Suffolk wildfire. Armchair expert Martin Bishop explains the real causes.
God’s wrath
Climate change is a relatively new theory, and a rather flimsy one at that. Religion on the other hand has been around for millennia and people swear by it. By that bulletproof logic, the inferno creeping nearer Sizewell is more likely to be the Almighty’s rage at your many sins. Beg for forgiveness with a quick prayer and it’ll instantly die down.
Spain
As with every other problem facing the country, Europe is to blame. If the Spanish hadn’t been taking siestas then they could have got their own wildfires under control. Instead, a few cinders floated 846 miles up to Suffolk and now the whole area’s looking a bit scorched. What caused their wildfire? Shoddy EUSSR regulations, obviously.
Zack Polanski
If the Green party had been more effective at highlighting the side effects of so-called climate change then we wouldn’t be in this mess. Instead, their leader Zack Polanski has been too busy inciting murder by accidentally re-posting dangerous content. Farage would do a much better job at protecting the environment by simply believing nothing’s going wrong with it.
The hosepipe ban
Water comes out of hoses. Fires are put out by water. Do you see the problem here or do I have to spell it out? This is as stupid as saving people from a plane crash by banning parachutes. If firefighters weren’t ignoring this stupid restriction then the whole country would be ablaze. That’s a scientific fact, unlike climate change.
Harry and Meghan
The disgraced couple visited the UK, then a fortnight later Suffolk burst into flames. Coincidence? I think not. They likely tossed a few matches and briquettes onto the area in vengeance for being rightly exiled. It’s the sort of attention-seeking behaviour the privacy-loving twosome enjoy. Mission accomplished, guys. I hope it was worth it.
The Poke
People not originally from Britain have been sharing things that other Brits take for granted – 23 things we could be more grateful for, frankly
Overfamiliarity with anything tends to deaden our appreciation of it, from small things like TV shows that we’ve watched too many times, to big things like marriages. But what about things that we forget to value because we’ve grown up with them? Over on the AskUK subreddit, user sergeantjake asked: Those not originally from the […]
The Poke.
This befuddled American’s complaint about buying coffee in England is a next level head scratcher for the ages
A visit to Europe seems to be a massive culture shock for many Americans – certainly the ones with social media accounts, at any rate. Here’s American tourist pertinence_ failing to understand what taps are for. @pertinence_Get me back to the us of a this instant ♬ original sound – PERTINENCE Although the alleged lack […]
The Poke.
What’s the funniest reason you’ve seen someone get fired? – 17 hilarious ways workers have been shown the door
Getting fired is never fun. There’s all the stress of finding a new job, as well as struggling to make ends meet in the meantime. Someone else getting fired though is a different matter. This can be amusing, especially if they’ve been booted out for a stupid reason. Any_Conflict_7364 wanted to hear more, so they […]
The Poke.
People have been sharing the worst financial decisions they’ve heard someone make – 17 monetary mistakes to learn from
In these lean economic times, it’s important to make every penny count. However, some people don’t seem to have gotten the memo. Rather than squirreling away for a rainy day, some people are splashing their cash on the riskiest of ventures. To live vicariously through these foolish big spenders, Coldblood_1 put the following question to […]
The Poke.
27 of the most entitled people trying to get something on the cheap or for free from ‘Choosing Beggars’ on Reddit
There’s a corner of Reddit called ‘choosing beggars’ which is devoted to ‘screenshots, pictures, or stories of people who are being way too picky when begging for things’. Basically, it’s a treasure trove of outrageously entitled people who will have you hollering into next week. And these 27 all earn a place in the hall […]
The Poke.
