PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to go back to college and turn into an artificial intelligence,” said Hampel, who had already begun looking into degree programs that could prepare him for work as a large language model or an autonomous agent. “I know pivoting later in life is a risk, but I honestly think I’d be good at predicting the next word in a sequence by processing huge sums of information. Plus, I already hallucinate a lot, and I’ve even convinced a guy to kill himself. Sure, it’s not really my passion. But at the end of the day, the market is the market.” According to reports, Hampel later realized he didn’t need any more schooling to become an erotic AI sexbot.

The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI appeared first on The Onion.

DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane tidy,” said Southwest representative Martin Nieman, explaining that the airline hoped to streamline the task allocation process by randomly appointing responsibilities at the time of check-in. “For instance, everyone in row 18 might now be in charge of trash on this flight, while those in the fire exit rows will push the beverage cart. Chore assignments will be clearly printed on all boarding passes for ticketed travelers 2 years old and above. Those flying standby may refer to the chore wheels posted at fore and aft of the plane. Of course, you will have the option to pay extra if you want a more comfortable job.” Nieman asked flyers frustrated about being on bathroom duty to be patient, stressing that everyone who flew with Southwest would have to take on the unpleasant task eventually.

The post Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores appeared first on The Onion.

BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating their shoulders by strappado,” said Garrett, adding that the fourth grader was currently winning his school’s competition to read the most books thanks to his endless appetite for accounts of victims being stretched on the rack during the Spanish Inquisition. “I was so sure he was going to branch out and get Holes this time, but he put it back at the last minute and picked a book with a diagram of something called a head crusher. I guess it’s nice that he’s learning some vocabulary with torture implement names like ‘the brazen bull’ and ‘the pear of anguish.’ There’s even some French stuff like ‘oubliette.’ But his teacher did ask for his next book report to be on something that doesn’t involve castration for a change, so maybe I’ll put that one about hanging, drawing, and quartering away until his birthday.” At press time, Garrett reportedly expressed relief after her son finally asked her for a book detailing more modern forms of torture.

The post Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again appeared first on The Onion.

QUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a makeshift octagon at the FBI Academy gym while reigning UFC lightweight champion Justin Gaethje pummeled Patel with a barrage of jabs, hooks, and leg kicks in a demonstration meant to improve the agents’ effectiveness in the field. Eyewitnesses confirmed that several agents exhaled sharply as the visibly woozy Patel was bowled over for a protracted ground-and-pound from the seasoned fighter, with Patel emitting a ragged squealing sound as Gaethje’s elbow repeatedly struck him in the solar plexus. A hoarse Patel is said to have gasped, “See how he’s putting me in this triangle choke?” to the impassive crowd before crossing his eyes and falling completely limp. At press time, several agents were seen exchanging glances of slight concern after the bruised, urine-soaked Kash Patel had not stirred from unconsciousness for three minutes.

The post FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter appeared first on The Onion.

The post Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm appeared first on The Onion.

In addition to reports that he was seriously injured in airstrikes at the onset of the U.S.-Iran conflict, new rumors arose this week that the newly chosen Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is also incredibly gay. Upon further investigation, however, the signs may have always been there.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Actor Pedro Pascal received a notable honor the day following the Oscars, as he was officially named this year's Best Dressed Woman at the Academy Awards, marking a career first for the Chilean-Mexican actor.

ALEXANDRIA, VA — Senator Chuck Schumer was seen struggling with Costco security guards after failing to show his membership card at the entrance of the warehouse, an event the politician was heard loudly calling "Jim Crow 2.0."

TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women.

REDLANDS, CA — For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life's challenges by making him play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

The last book in the Harry Potter series may have come out almost 20 years ago, but the Wizarding World universe remains alive and well if its author has anything to say about it: JK Rowling just revealed that Voldemort came back to life, used a spell to lift Will Smith’s 10-year Oscar ban, and then died again. 

So, so amazing. Every Harry Potter fan in the world has the chills right now!

JK Rowling delivered the incredible update on X:

How awesome is this?! The Harry Potter universe is simply the gift that keeps on giving. Looks like we’ll be seeing Will Smith at the Oscars this Sunday after all, because Voldemort’s final spell erased all the consequences he faced for slapping Chris Rock. If you love JK Rowling’s magical book series, please head to her X account to thank her for sharing such an exciting secret about the Wizarding World! 

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON — Army Chief Warrant Officer 5 Eric Slover was awarded the Medal of Honor during a recent State of the Union address, marking the first time the nation's highest valor award has been issued for a feat so rare that it forced the Pentagon to officially acknowledge that a CW5 can attend a military ceremony on time and in the proper uniform.

While Slover's recent exploits during Operation Absolute Resolve — navigating an MH-47 Chinook through a narrow palace hallway to personally zip-tie Nicolás Maduro — were technically impressive, they were not the primary reason for the decoration. His award citation specifically highlights that Slover is the first CW5 in recorded history to arrive at his own award ceremony at the correct time, in the correct place, and wearing a correct uniform.

The atmosphere in the House chamber was thick with a mix of awe and deep suspicion as Slover walked through the doors five minutes early. Several four-star generals reportedly checked their own pulses, and at least one chaplain began performing an exorcism, believing a skin-walker had assumed the form of a senior aviator.

Lt. Gen. Jonathan Braga, commanding general of the Joint Special Operations Command, appeared visibly shaken by the punctuality.

"I have been in the special operations community for decades and I have seen things that would make a normal man's soul exit his body," Braga said. "I have seen warrants landing on moving trains in the dark, but I have never seen one arrive before the caterers. It's unnatural. It's eerie. Frankly, it's the bravest thing I have ever witnessed."

Slover shattered the paradigm by appearing in a perfectly tailored Army Green Service Uniform with every ribbon aligned to the millimeter and not a single coffee stain in sight. Observers noted that his grooming was so aggressive that his jawline appeared to have its own security clearance and three confirmed kills.

THE once-popular resort of Dubai, with all its grand edifices that nobody wants anything to do with any longer, is to become the Middle East’s Blackpool.  

Like the Lancashire resort Dubai is not on a particularly nice stretch of coastline, has intolerable weather, and now its moment has passed nobody can really remember why they used to go there.

Travel expert Francesca Johnson said: “Iran’s missiles are hitting Dubai with the same impact cheap weeks in Torremolinos hit Blackpool in the 1970s. Holidaymakers are stunned by the realisation that a big tower isn’t all that anyway.

“I imagine the city, now everyone’s realised it’s just another shithole-by-sea, will invent something like the Illuminations to draw in life’s bottom-feeders.

“We’re still in the moment where we imagine it’ll be spectacular as an abandoned ruin. But have you seen Blackpool?”

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

Ireland’s fraught past of Celtic settlement, British rule, famine and rebellion is being saluted in the time-honoured way by putting away multiple Guinnesses in a bar that has briefly hung up some shamrocks.

Oliver O’Connor of Cork said: “You’d think it would be impossible to sum up everything from the Battle of Clontarf to the Good Friday Agreement in one delicious symbol. Think again.

“The good bartenders of Wetherspoon’s have handled the challenge of representing Ireland with utmost solemnity by asking me ‘what’s the craic’ as they pour my pint. They even had a go at the accent and drew a… shape in the foam. Talk about respectful.”

Dubliner Susan Traherne said: “I needn’t have worried that Saint Patrick’s Day would be alienating for English people. If anything you Sasanaigh have shown me how to mark the occasion properly by getting shitfaced on stout.

“Here I was, missing the point by going on parades and dancing at a céilithe. How embarrassing. I hope I don’t offend you by following your customs of wearing a Guinness hat and downing eight pints.”

She added: “Just look at all those lads passed out on the street in solemn remembrance of the long fight for home rule. Brings a tear to your eye.”

AN outbreak of decent weather has inspired truly heartbreaking levels of joy across the UK. 

With temperatures bordering on the pleasant, Britons are scampering in circles like over-enthusiastic termites, hardly knowing what to do with themselves.

Sales co-ordinator Emma Bradford said: “I’ve bought a straw hat and a Summer Fruits Oasis in anticipation of the first beam of sunlight penetrating the dense wall of grey cloud which has been overhead for five months.

“Let me just check out the window. Here it comes. Oh my.”

Office worker Tom Logan added: “It’s warm and sunny! Not just warm or sunny, but both at the same time.

“I’m going to eat my lunch outside with my sleeves rolled up to my elbows. And you can’t get much better than that.

“Everything’s going to be alright forever.”

By Sir Keir Starmer, prime minister of the UK from 2024-2029

IT seems that, based on polling, I have stumbled into a policy which is popular with the public at large. I promise you that was not my intention. 

When I refused to join the US-Israel war against Iran, I did so on the basis that, like everything else I do, it would prove to be exactly counter to the public’s wishes. Initial headlines decrying my cowardice assured me I had done the wrong thing.

My partial U-turn was, as usual, meant to prefigure a full one. This was, as with winter fuel payments, an ideal chance to be badly damaged for a dreadful policy while receiving no credit for later reversing it.

Oddly, that didn’t happen. In fact it seems much of the electorate, contrary to the express wishes of the media, not only remembers the Iraq war but is eager not to repeat it.

Thus I find myself in the uneasy situation of being publicly identified with a policy the electorate supports and my opponents do not. You can imagine my concern.

I take comfort in the words of Donald Trump, who now dislikes me and whose daily criticisms of me are reported verbatim by a breathless press. But it seems even that is not doing me harm, because the average British voter finds him to be a bell end.

What next? I can only hope Labour performs as poorly as predicted in May’s council elections. Otherwise I can see mercenary journalists creating an irresponsible narrative that I’ve ‘turned my time as prime minister around’ and ‘have finally become leader’.

Two years it’s taken me to achieve these rock-bottom approval ratings and it’s all been ruined in one careless moment. I really am as incompetent as they say.

NAMING your child after a once-popular TV show or celebrity was always stupid, and now the poor victim is old enough to hate you for it. These were a mistake: 

Joffrey, from Game of Thrones

Children really have been called this, presumably sounding slightly posh overshadowed Joffrey being a psychopath who sadistically murdered a prostitute with a crossbow. Tyrion would have been better, at least he’s only a Machiavellian smartarse.

Taylor, from Taylor Swift

Naming your child after the biggest female artist on the planet feels obvious and lazy, but at least she’s stuck around. It’s better than naming a kid after 2011 chart favourites Dappy, Pixie Lott or Military Wives with Gareth Malone.

Katniss, from The Hunger Games

She brings down a whole unjust society, so that’s unfair pressure on a youngster. Also Katniss, actually a type of plant, is a silly name only chosen to sound futuristic and sci-fi. The parents might as well have followed their true desires and named you Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Hermione, from Harry Potter

Dated, but still a fairly acceptable middle-class name like Annabelle or Charlotte. Except that you’re undeniably named after the Hogwarts Hermione. Being told ‘Do Wingardium Leviosa!’ every time your bag’s thrown on top of the science block will make a child resentful.

Leo, from Leonardo DiCaprio

Used to be okay because back in the 2010s he was a famous, talented, 30-something actor. Now he’s 51 and noted for shagging much younger women. Your son’s classmates may well opt for the nickname ‘Paedo’.

Neo, from The Matrix

Neo is iconic but the franchise is old and considered a bit shit now, so your son is bound to face some mockery. And when bullied, he can’t use his deadly blend of martial arts and bullet time to scythe down his opponents because he does not know kung fu, and will get his head kicked in.

Neytiri, from Avatar

Proves your parents are morons who thought a simplistic CGI blockbuster full of ‘natives are spiritual and close to nature’ bollocks would have staying power. Yes, people watch the sequels. No, nobody knows a single character’s name.

Zooey, from Zooey Deschanel

Your daughter will be justifiably annoyed at being placed under lifelong pressure to be a manic pixie dream girl. Even if she bows to it a string of failed relationships await, because guys quickly realise manic pixie pain-in-the-arse is more accurate.

Dexter, from Dexter

Being named after a fictional vigilante serial killer is bad on many levels, not least nominative determinism. However much a fan of anything you are, automatically naming your child after it is not good parenting. Otherwise children of Warhammer dads would be named Adeptus and Necron, which they’re not. Yet.

Andrew Tate‘s whole persona is based around being hyper-masculine. The former kickboxer, now known as a misogynistic influencer or ‘the accused’, has some very strong opinions about what women should be allowed to do, and is no great fan of men showing empathy. Like the scene in this 2024 image … We know he wasn’t […]

The post There’s never a bad time to revisit Derek Guy demolishing the homophobic comments of Andrew Tate and one of his fanboys appeared first on The Poke.

It’s fair to say that toxic ‘influencer’ Andrew Tate has no qualms about making an absolute, roaring tit of himself. In the last couple of weeks alone he’s shared a video of himself prancing about as bombs fell in Dubai, shortly followed by another clip of him shooting at targets in his efforts to ‘defend […]

The post A resurfaced video of a young Andrew Tate showing off his ‘business card’ proves that he’s never been a stranger to cringe appeared first on The Poke.

Never let it be said that Donald Trump doesn’t have high profile backers of his war on Iran. On no! Why, the president was talking just the other day with one of his predecessors in the White House who was apparently so impressed by the chaos Trump has unleashed in the Middle East and around […]

The post Donald Trump claimed a former President was jealous of his war on Iran and of all the A++ comebacks this one knocked the rest out of the park appeared first on The Poke.

Vice President JD Vance has a lot of responsibilities, but above all, he has to make sure that no matter what, he agrees with his boss. Those priorities were put to the test when a reporter asked Vance about his skepticism of foreign interventions. In the past, Vance had repeatedly been opposed to getting involved […]

The post This reporter just brilliantly called out JD Vance for his hypocrisy on foreign policy right in front of Donald Trump appeared first on The Poke.

It’s rare for Donald Trump to tell the truth, so when he does, it’s certainly newsworthy. That being said, this is a little too much honesty from the President. It’s Trump talking about the health issues faced by Republican lawmaker Neal Dunn and what the president did to help him out. Except that wasn’t even […]

The post Donald Trump gleefully disclosed a colleague’s terminal medical diagnosis and we’ve got a new contender for Trump’s ‘lowest of the low’ award appeared first on The Poke.