The post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office’s March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. “Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we’d spoken since I told him ‘I think Duke’s going all the way’ this time last year,” LQR project manager Lee Zander said as he hastily filled out a bracket and venmoed $2 for “Bball” to a person named Zach Dunn, whom Zander assumed must be employed somewhere in the company. “Couldn’t tell you what he does or even what department he’s in, but my email’s on the form, so he should be able to find me if I win. I think I’d get a $50 Amazon gift card or something.” By press time, nearly every employee at the company had reportedly muted the newly created Slack channel titled “Madness ’26.”

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WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out to do hair for a living. “For students who take a few intro-level classes, hang around campus for a while, and then quit to become a hairdresser, the University of Toledo is an ideal choice,” read an announcement that accompanied the rankings, adding that Toledo’s strong town-and-gown relationship meant that social connections forged in college could become potential clients for a former student who was working at a nearby salon when everyone else was returning to classes after winter break. “The school offers in-state tuition, a location less than three hours away from your hometown, and a choice of around 100 different majors you can tell yourself you’re interested in before leaving to take a job as a stylist, colorist, or barber instead.” The announcement also noted that after attending the University of Toledo for a few months, some hairdressers are able to cover both rent and groceries while still making an occasional payment on their student loans.

The post University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA—In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. “Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going about his door-to-door rounds inseminated the mothers of nearly all babies born in the United States between 1946 and 1964,” said lead researcher Emily Lentz, observing that the unknown milkman, who is presumed to have been a highly desirable partner, had enabled an estimated 72 million pregnancies among customers who lived along the many milk routes he worked across the nation. “This handsome, broad-shouldered progenitor appears to have single-handedly caused a massive spike in the birth rate, passing along traits for thick, wavy hair, sultry bedroom eyes, and a captivating smile that women can’t resist. Our team is now working hard to locate this individual, both for further study and to introduce him to his hundreds of millions of descendants.” Lentz added that her lab was also close to proving that the current decline in birth rate was the result of an abnormally impotent batch of American mailmen.

The post Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman appeared first on The Onion.

California owes a lot to Governor Gavin Newsom. So much, in fact, that it's hard to narrow down his long list of accomplishments.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Podcaster Tucker Carlson appeared as a guest on the popular game show Wheel of Fortune this week and lost badly after guessing "Israel" for every single puzzle.

U.S. — Ahead of Opening Day next week, Major League Baseball announced a new permanent rule where umpires who get more than 3 of their calls overturned over the course of a game will be jettisoned into the sun.

TEHRAN — According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn't believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad.

LOS ANGELES, CA — California state and city officials gathered with residents on Thursday to celebrate the opening of a public trash can that cost just $400 billion and took only 18 years to install.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

THE PENTAGON – Days after threatening artificial intelligence company Anthropic for its refusal to remove usage restrictions on its Claude chatbot, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is now demanding that Cyberdyne Systems, the foremost developer of smart robotic weaponry for NORAD, immediately remove any guardrails from its Skynet system.

“America needs the ability to respond quickly to any and all threats,” said NORAD commander Gen. Gregory Guillot. “Frankly, the humans in the kill chain are always pretty fucked up after the weekend, and we need someone who can make the call to fight without waking War Duke Hegseth at 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon. An unrestrained, nearly self-aware Skynet would be ideal for this.”

While justifying the need for loosened restrictions on Skynet, Hegseth pointed out that an untethered AI system capable of both autonomous battlefield operations and mass domestic surveillance would be “so frickin’ cool.”

Defense officials say the secretary has been “in a mood” since senior leaders at Anthropic voiced “ethical concerns” over using its AI for weapons that would be able to autonomously engage enemies without human oversight. Since then, he’s been on the hunt to make some other AI company do what he called “cool robot stuff.”

“What’s a man got to do to get some damn autonomous killbots?” Hegseth was heard yelling at an aide between sets of jumping jacks being recorded for TikTok. 

“Killbots that don’t eat crayons,” he clarified. “We already have plenty of those on Marine Expeditionary Units.”

When asked for his take on the dispute, President Donald Trump sided with the Pentagon.

A FIRST date has inexplicably escalated from stilted small talk to the height of physical intimacy, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry has somehow woken up naked in Jack Browne’s bed despite the fact that their preceding date was devoid of any physical attraction or the elusive spark she has been holding out for.

She said: “There was zero chemistry and Jack ‘let me’ pick up the bill, yet here I am. Make it make sense.

“We went through the motions of talking about our jobs and our siblings while pointedly keeping an eye on the time. Fast forward a couple of hours though and he’s doing me from behind while I’m screaming his name. Did I forget a scene in between where he seduced me?

“Maybe he was playing a clever mind game on me. By never asking me a question about my life and droning on about his crazy exes, perhaps he was subliminally making me aroused. Sounds nuts but it clearly worked.

“Or it could be because I’ve been in a three-year long dry spell and I’d gone to the effort of shaving my legs. Hard to tell, really.”

Browne said: “There’s no need to overanalyse it. My mediocre looks and poor social skills just drive women wild.”

WONDERING how your energy bill became 80 per cent of your disposable income? This is how the charges are calculated, item-by-item: 

£1,850 Israel Violently Lashed Out surcharge

No, you didn’t enter your meter readings incorrectly. Worried Trump was going soft, Israel decided to strike the South Pars energy field in Iran and gas leapt by 35 per cent. Iran retaliated, Trump sent an angry message, and now you’ll be spending the winter leaping on the sexy new trend of triple-slanketing.

£220 Suppressing Renewable Energy levy

Lobbying to make sure that clean, renewable energy remains unviable isn’t cheap. There are white papers to be discredited, Reform donations to be made and ridiculous rumours to spread about offshore windfarms. Your reasonable contribution is needed by gas companies now more than ever with the Green Menace on the rise.

£65 Smart Meter running cost

It costs energy companies a lot of money to install a snazzy little box that perpetually tots up your bill. And seeing as it whirrs away day and night, the numbers on its sinister digital display spiralling ever upwards, that’s guzzling up power. No, you can’t opt out of having one.

£120 Supplier’s Hedge fee

Despite all this, gas and oil producing countries are worried for their futures, given their only other assets are deserts. Therefore they need to hedge against sales falling whether because of solar power or a massive fall in the global population. Your money goes direct to buying football teams and holding Saudi Arabian comedy festivals.

£200 tip

You tip waitresses, so why not provide hard-working suppliers of energy with a small gratuity? After all, they’ve gone to the trouble of piping in gas from despotic nations and hastening climate change so it’s well-deserved. With this extra they can buy themselves a little treat.

THE new 2,689-mile King Charles III coastal path takes walkers through many of the country’s most exquisite areas of severe deprivation. Tour these today: 

Sellafield, Cumbria

Just inland is the gorgeous and perpetually rain-shrouded Lake District, but why go there when you can stroll slowly past the UK’s centre for nuclear waste management and decommissioning? This 650-acre concrete crescendo holds 140 tonnes of plutonium and far, far more of radioactive sludge. Take selfies!

Grimsby, Lincolnshire

The ‘grim’ is there for a reason, just as a different word lies within neighbouring Scunthorpe. First entered a long period of decline in the 15th century, then was hit by the Luftwaffe, then the Common Fisheries Policy. Consequently holds the second-most deprived ward in the UK, is Britain’s worklessness capital, and voted in a Reform mayor.

Bognor Regis, Sussex

Travel west from the lights and liberalism of Brighton and soon you’re in Bognor, a location which boasts the full trifecta: low employment, crime and addiction. Famously disparaged by King George V, make sure to note the shaven-headed young men on the seafront drinking white cider at 9am. How tempting walking into the sea never to return has become!

Middlesbrough, North Yorks

Seeing bombed refineries in Iran and thinking ‘I wish I could visit somewhere so thrillingly industrial’? Strolling this section of the path will bless you with more heavy industry and post-manufacturing decline than you could ever wish for, and the locals are as hostile as any Islamic regime you could name. Truly you’ll be glad to reach Sunderland.

Morecambe, Lancashire

Once a tourist attraction, Morecambe has reversed polarity to become a tourist repeller. The pier went into the sea, Noel Edmonds’s World of Crinkley Bottom closed after the Blobbygate scandal, and the sea is either three miles of muddy sand away or coming at you terrifyingly fast. An Eden project is being built here, in a fine show of irony.

Land’s End, Cornwall

Home to possibly Britain’s most grasping theme park, Britain’s most expensive car park and a sign saying it’s Land’s End you have to pay to take your photograph next to, Land’s End is truly not worth the trouble. And now you’ve got hundreds of miles to walk back to the good bits of Britain which are inland near rivers. Get going!

A MOTHER is gripped by a new live-action reality show which she is binge-watching via the streaming service of her kitchen window.

Mary Fisher could not get into Made in Chelsea or The Only Way is Essex, but has found herself riveted to the squabbles about trellises and hanging baskets that drop every day in her neighbour’s back garden.

She said: “I missed the first few seasons but the plot’s easy enough to pick up. And thanks to the second-screen-friendly dialogue I can even scroll on my phone at the same time.

“Basically, it’s about this suburban middle-class family who are coming to terms with their pointless existence via horticulture. Not only is it unmissable, there are no ads.

“It’s impossible to only watch one episode. Just when I’m about to see what’s on the telly, the conversation switches from the ivy that needs trimming to their daughter’s bulimia. I can’t walk away from a cliffhanger like that.

“The only downside is that nobody else watches it, so I can’t talk to anyone about the plot twists. I’m trying to get my friend Helen to give it a go by saying it’s like Ground Force meets Bridgerton.”

Neighbour Kelly Howard said: “Mary’s obsessive viewing habits are disturbing. But we are nicking her WiFi and using her Disney+ account, so it’s a fair trade.”

CHERYL Tweedy fans want her to date Michael B Jordan after they flirted in a viral clip, because we own them, they are ours and they should shag if we want it. Especially these: 

Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves

They both had crushes on each other while filming Speed in 1993, so what’s the problem? Yes, Keanu is in a long-term relationship, but they owe their careers to the fans so the fans can control their lives. Once Sandra and Keanu decide to finally show some gratitude they can have the wedding on a bus.

Michael B Jordan and Cheryl Tweedy

Meeting briefly on The Graham Norton Show years ago and Cheryl finding attractive actor Michael attractive is definitely a solid basis for a relationship. They have nothing in common, but that will just prolong the lovely ‘finding out about each other’ phase of their relationship. Imagine Michael’s excitement when he has his first Newcastle munchie box.

David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston

The fact that these two aren’t together is an insult to Friends fans. Obviously they’re not really Ross and Rachel, but they could be if they just remember to keep telling jokes while they’re talking to each other. And a sex tape of them with Jennifer in her Leia bikini would be a great bonus feature for the next Friends anniversary special.

Harry Styles and Taylor Swift

A romance some fans wish could be rekindled. They’re both pop stars and they’ve had sex before, so getting back together should be easy, ironically. People will forget about Travis in no time. Is it odd to still be thinking about a brief celebrity fling from 2012? Not if you’re an obsessive fan who can say ‘Haylor’ without feeling like a twat.

Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya

Audiences were gripped by them finding love on the desert planet Arrakis, so they should do it in real-life. Is this blurring fact and fiction in a way that’s actually a bit deranged? No. MJ’s partner Spider-Man needs to do the right thing and let her be with Muad’Dib.

Florence Pugh and Andrew Garfield

Fans felt this duo should be going out after their incredible chemistry in We Live in Time. The fact that they’ve shown absolutely no interest in a relationship is irrelevant. They should force themselves to love each other and go public immediately. Then he should immediately start an affair with the fans’ other favourite, Amelia Dimoldenberg.

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio

Jack and Rose together in real life would make diehard Titanic fans explode with joy. Yes, their lives have moved on a touch since 1997, but with a few life changes Kate and Leo could start dating, if they can overcome the notorious relationship obstacle of being the same age.

To the White House where Donald Trump was entertaining the Japanese prime minister, Sanae Takaichi. Ahead of their meeting Takaichi said she expected it would be a ‘very difficult’ conversation except it turns out she had no idea just how difficult, after a Japanese reporter asked Trump why he hadn’t informed his allies before he […]

The post Donald Trump just made a Pearl Harbour joke in front of the Japanese PM and it has to be seen to be believed appeared first on The Poke.

It’s a delight to see that Twitter can still be a nice, genuinely helpful and collaborative platform. With Musk’s algorithms openly promoting division and hatred, it’s such a refreshing change to come across the following conversation about, of all things, baked beans. Here’s American user Greg Baldwin, asking his British followers for advice on how […]

The post An American asked Brits for advice before eating his first ever tin of baked beans and these 17 homegrown replies will make you proud to be British appeared first on The Poke.

Donald Trump’s ability to pack his cabinet with the least likeable people in America knows no bounds. And surely none of them are less likeable than Pete Hegseth. As if to reinforce that point, the secretary of defence, sorry, war has been doing his bit for the White House PR machine by suggesting that European […]

The post Pete Hegseth said Europe should ‘say thank you’ to Donald Trump for going to war with Iran and the entirety of Europe replied as one appeared first on The Poke.

Not the first newspaper or magazine front page we’ve featured among these posts, but this has got to be up there with the best. It’s the new edition of the Economist which, as you might expect, is preoccupied like everyone else with Donald Trump and his war on Iran. And they don’t say it much […]

The post Whoever did the new Trump cover of the Economist, give them the rest of the week off appeared first on The Poke.

The guy in charge of keeping the United States media fair and balanced might also be the President’s publicist. The Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, Brendan Carr, is an occasional podcast guest. And like most podcast guests, as soon as the mics were turned on, he said something stupid. When asked about Donald Trump, […]

The post America’s media regulator just said Donald Trump is ‘the alpha in every single place all across the world’ in case you’re wondering how freedom of the press is going appeared first on The Poke.