MILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amélie without any hugs or kisses. “We’re an hour into the movie and Laura hasn’t so much as held my hand or pecked me on the cheek,” Martin told reporters, noting that Parker had sat down at the other end of the couch in which he was sitting. “I’ve tried making eye contact with her at multiple points, but her eyes are firmly glued to the screen. It’s like she doesn’t even notice I’m here. I thought that during the movie’s more emotional moments, like when Amélie returned that guy’s box to him, Laura would come over to my side of the couch and maybe rest her head on my shoulder, but no dice. I guess I’m just going to be watching Amélie skip stones or whatever until it’s time for me to leave.” At press time, Martin had reportedly let himself out of Parker’s apartment after she fell asleep during Amélie’s love scene with romantic interest Nino Quincampoix.

The post Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching ‘Amélie’ Without Any Hugs Or Kisses appeared first on The Onion.

Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump.

Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers.

Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably.

Limit braking to weekends.

Make a tank of gas stretch the whole week by cutting it with lentils.

Live in one of the three walkable U.S. cities.

Alternate which kid goes to school each day.

Remember, a gurney rolling downhill is more fuel efficient than an ambulance, and faster too.

Consider switching from a gas-guzzler to a more efficient, environmentally friendly country.

Buy and store as much gas as you can right now before all those other selfish assholes start hoarding it.

The post Tips For Saving On Gas appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. “These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their car, or I will have no choice but to unleash a massive bombing campaign against them,” Trump said during a White House press briefing, stating that he had already asked the U.S. Navy to send aircraft carriers to regions where American gas stations operate. “Someone told me the price of unleaded gasoline in our country has risen 32% in the past month. Can you believe that? So I have instructed our intelligence community to provide me with a list of targets among the QuikTrips, 7-Elevens, and Kum & Go’s, and Casey’s General Stores responsible for this outrageous situation, and if they do not comply immediately, they will face total destruction.” The president went on to criticize gas stations for raising prices at a time when the nation was engaged in a major military operation overseas, saying there would be no war profiteering on his watch.

The post Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations appeared first on The Onion.

The post Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again appeared first on The Onion.

California owes a lot to Governor Gavin Newsom. So much, in fact, that it's hard to narrow down his long list of accomplishments.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Podcaster Tucker Carlson appeared as a guest on the popular game show Wheel of Fortune this week and lost badly after guessing "Israel" for every single puzzle.

U.S. — Ahead of Opening Day next week, Major League Baseball announced a new permanent rule where umpires who get more than 3 of their calls overturned over the course of a game will be jettisoned into the sun.

TEHRAN — According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn't believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad.

LOS ANGELES, CA — California state and city officials gathered with residents on Thursday to celebrate the opening of a public trash can that cost just $400 billion and took only 18 years to install.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

AFTER Gerry Adams protested in court that he was never a member of the IRA, retired members of the group are kicking themselves for failing to recruit him. 

Although Adams was a key figure in the Republican movement and seemingly an ideal candidate for the IRA, it seems he could never be sufficiently bothered to actually join.

Ex-IRA commander Seamus O’Grady said: “I’m pretty sure I asked Patrick to ask Gerry if he was interested. But now he’s saying he thought I was going to do it, the eejit. 

“You’d have thought Adams could’ve put himself forward though. Was he shy? Was all the ‘get the Brits out’ stuff just talk? Maybe he secretly loves them. I suppose we could have recruited someone else by mistake. It’s a problem when everyone wears f**king balaclavas. 

“Needless to say, this oversight has sent shockwaves through the paramilitary community. He was always around, always f**king talking, always being Gerry Adams with that twatty beard. We all just assumed someone else had done the paperwork. 

“So it turns out he was just a hanger-on, like those blokes who impersonate war veterans. But if he’s still interested we can do a bit of backdating and get him in. I mean, it’s less work than it used to be.”

O’Grady added: “Hang on, it seems we accidentally invited the bloke who did his voice on telly. Bollocks. No wonder he was useless at doing bombs.”

A TEENAGE boy has been indoctrinated by the manosphere after watching the latest Louis Theroux documentary, it has emerged.

15-year-old Jack Browne has been transformed from a lovely, wholesome boy into a misogynistic dickhead obsessed with social media ‘clout’ after watching Theroux’s new Netflix documentary.

Browne said: “I’d been sheltered from toxic influencers like Andrew Tate up until now. But the documentary my parents made me watch really expanded my horizons.

“There I was, thinking that being a scumbag would get me nowhere in life. Turns out that getting jacked and treating women badly is the key to becoming rich and successful. Thank you, Louis Theroux, for showing me the way.

“I’m going to follow the example of the men he filmed. Apparently they’re awful pigs, but they’re also loaded and surrounded by OnlyFans models. Meanwhile my dad followed society’s rules, earns f**k all and is married to a juggernaut.

“Some of the editing in the documentary was a bit weird though. It was almost like he was disapproving of their incredible lifestyle. He must just be a jealous beta cuck, that’s the only explanation.”

Browne’s mum Emma said: “I guess it could be worse. At least Jack hasn’t been inspired to become a nerdy, socially-awkward documentary filmmaker.”

GAS is rising. Diesel’s already unaffordable. The time has come for me to install a 249ft wind turbine in the garden of my new build.

Solar panels? For wimps. I might have been forced against my will to go green, but I’m not being wet and environmental about it. Besides, the sun never shines in this bloody country, apart from now but you get my point.

No, it’s a wind turbine, and if it’s going to power my gaff it’s going to have to be a f**king big one. There’s not a room without at least a 55-inch telly and we don’t turn them off.

Plus there’s three Range Rover Evoques – mine, the wife’s and the one for our 14-year-old to grow into – which are all going to have to go electric. They’ll be a serious drain, especially as we plan to leave them idling 24/7 once it’s free.

The garden’s not large, as I say it’s a new build, but we should be able to squeeze it in between the summerhouse, the decking, the hot tub and the brick pizza oven. Most of it’s height after all.

And as luck would have it I know a few of the lads who’ve been installing them and they’ll do it for mates’ rates. Can’t get me one that’s fallen off the back of a lorry though. Broken Britain.

Should be up by summer and I’ve told the neighbours they can piss off. You don’t need planning permission if it’s green, do you? And the blades are only 144 feet so they’ll easily clear the roofs.

Bollocks to Iran, Qatar and the whole Middle East. They’ve had enough of my money. I’m going self-sufficient in a big way. And if local kids shin up it trying to scrump my amperage I’ll be out here with a bloody cricket bat.

CELEBRITIES at an Oscars party have complained about the excessively bright lighting making them look bad. Quite right – photos always present a falsely unattractive image of you. Here’s why.

Photos distort your face’s natural thinness

Does your face look fatter and wider than you expected in a photo? This is just a quirk of perspective, and when you’re photographed from a higher angle your face reveals its true, slender nature. Try it, and always make sure you’re sitting down when you’re talking to someone you’re hoping to shag.

Fluorescent light temporarily causes wrinkles 

Harsh fluorescent lighting is full of toxic photons, and when these hit your skin it instantly contracts to stop them getting inside you, temporarily causing ‘wrinkles’ you don’t really have. All those broken blood vessels and old acne scars aren’t really there too.

You’re often bigger due to food

If you appear to be quite overweight in a photo but you know you can’t be that porky, it’s because you’re full of food, stupid! You may think the photo wasn’t taken just after a meal, but digestion isn’t an exact science. Your enzymes might be taking longer over that extra-large doner and chips you ate days ago because it’s so tasty. A good big shit and you’ll look exactly like Dua Lipa again.

Your attractiveness physically alters with the light level

Not many people realise our body undergoes big physical changes depending on the light. In bright light the atoms in your face rearrange themselves to be less appealing and your stomach gets much larger, which is an evolutionary trait to deter predators. If you don’t believe you’re actually changing shape, look at yourself in a mirror in a dimly-lit room. See? You’re surprisingly fit.

Flash photography does not exist in nature

Pictures taken with a camera flash can make you look erroneously greasy and fat-faced. But there is no known species of animal or plant that has a smartphone LED flash anywhere in its body. Therefore photos taken with a flash are totally unnatural and can be ignored.

Photos don’t have a mirror effect 

Mirrors are a more accurate image of yourself than a photo. Some people might say it’s the other way round, but if you weigh up the empirical evidence what are you going to trust? A few snaps hastily taken on holiday or at a party, or the literally thousands of times you’ve looked in a mirror? You know what you look like, so Lucy’s photos from your night out can f**k off.

A FIRST date has inexplicably escalated from stilted small talk to the height of physical intimacy, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry has somehow woken up naked in Jack Browne’s bed despite the fact that their preceding date was devoid of any physical attraction or the elusive spark she has been holding out for.

She said: “There was zero chemistry and Jack ‘let me’ pick up the bill, yet here I am. Make it make sense.

“We went through the motions of talking about our jobs and our siblings while pointedly keeping an eye on the time. Fast forward a couple of hours though and he’s doing me from behind while I’m screaming his name. Did I forget a scene in between where he seduced me?

“Maybe he was playing a clever mind game on me. By never asking me a question about my life and droning on about his crazy exes, perhaps he was subliminally making me aroused. Sounds nuts but it clearly worked.

“Or it could be because I’ve been in a three-year long dry spell and I’d gone to the effort of shaving my legs. Hard to tell, really.”

Browne said: “There’s no need to overanalyse it. My mediocre looks and poor social skills just drive women wild.”

Today’s lesson on perspective is brought to you by the President of the United States. Sure, the economy is in the tank and it’s impossible to afford enough gas to drive a car to the grocery store, but it could be worse, right? That’s what Donald Trump wants American to think, at least. Here is […]

The post Donald Trump’s take on America’s rising prices didn’t just not read the room, he wasn’t even in the right building – 17 A++ comebacks appeared first on The Poke.

Nigel Farage has been busy looking for other things to get offended about and this week it’s Muslims. Specifically, Muslims praying in public after an event in Trafalgar Square earlier this week where hundreds of Muslims and people of other faiths prayed together, before the celebration of Eid. Farage didn’t like it, he didn’t like […]

The post Nigel Farage is furious with Muslims praying under Nelson’s Column and this especially well-informed comeback was just magnificent appeared first on The Poke.

It’s hard to believe it’s only seven days since our last round-up of the funniest things we’ve spotted on Twitter. In that time … We’ve seen Nigel Farage’s Cameo videos held up to the light, then hastily shoved back into the dark so they don’t put us off our dinners. Donald Trump has callously revealed […]

The post Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week appeared first on The Poke.

Here’s an eye-opening exchange which isn’t exactly overburdened with context, a gym bro whose approach to these women – it’s fair to say – didn’t get entirely the positive reaction he was hoping for. And his stream of consciousness (to put it mildly) that follows is a proper jaw-dropper. second hand embarrassment pic.twitter.com/4ZI79SI5KY — juju […]

The post This gym bro didn’t take kindly to being rejected on the beach and his jaw-dropper of a reaction is a proper hall of famer appeared first on The Poke.

Former Brighton MP Caroline Lucas represented the Green Party on BBC’s Question Time show in Croydon on Thursday night, and she came to chew gum and kick ass, but she was all out of gum. Despite the best efforts of Fiona Bruce, she wasn’t taking any spin from Reform’s James Orr, who was insisting that […]

The post Caroline Lucas dismantled Donald Trump and his war in Iran, and it’s the best and most damning assessment of them you’ll hear today appeared first on The Poke.