The Onion
Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Sighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. “I can’t believe I didn’t spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here,” said Frachs, who claimed to have brought binoculars, a telephoto lens, and other specialized gear in hopes of snagging a picture of the Scottish legend known for its gargantuan size, crude manners, and storied flatulence. “According to the tale, this is exactly where Fat Bastards originate from, and you’re supposed to be able to spot them pretty easily at Subway franchises this time of year—unless, maybe this is when they migrate east to the sumo rings. I tried following the sound of bagpipes, but all I saw were a handful of regular bastards.” Upon reaching the airport, Frachs was overheard complaining that his connecting flight from London to the U.S. would not be aboard a shagadelic jumbo jet.
The Onion.
One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now
CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn’t already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now. “It’s been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven’t gotten a job, started a family, and completely turned my life around,” said Ross, who questioned why he continued to have brain fog and shaking fits when he hadn’t touched a bottle of liquor since last Friday. “I just don’t get it. Seriously, how long does it take fix all the physical, mental, financial, and relationship issues I’ve developed through decades of drinking? I understand that sobriety is a journey, but I didn’t expect my recovery to take this long to hit its stride. My wife is still at her sister’s place, and the court hasn’t removed my restraining order yet. I’m sure, in the worst-case scenario, my life will all get fixed by the end of next week.” Ross also expressed confusion over having to wear an ankle monitor despite having received his one-week AA sobriety chip.
The Onion.
Dugout Floor Covered In Spat-Out Clamshells
The Onion.
Bestselling Beach Reads
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Bestselling Beach Reads
The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year.
Explore the list in detail
Stratosphere
By Candice Ortiz-Schnapp
What’s it like being married to an astronaut? Probably more intense than the life of protagonist Molly, whose husband flies a regional jet. Still, she gets up to some stuff.
The Really Important File
By Nicholas Brewer
A humble government employee is just doing his job when he notices something out of the ordinary: a really important file. The new heart-pounding spy thriller from genre master Nicholas Brewer will have readers asking themselves: What’s he gonna do with that file?
The Mulchers
By Celine Ives
Life is quiet on 32-year-old Cara Perry’s northern Michigan mulch farm—that is, until a handsome but enigmatic competitor buys the plot of land next door. Will these star-crossed farmers overcome their opposing views on the merits of using chromated copper arsenate?
The Lady In The Airplane Bathroom
By R.R. Blake
An alcoholic divorcée swears she saw a woman murdered in the airplane bathroom, but no one believes her because she ordered 13 gin and tonics before it happened.
The Shape Of Resilience
By Isabella Park
Follow the heartwarming journey of Randi, a single mother who overcomes emotional abuse, addiction, poverty, a very large earthquake, big tobacco, accidentally falling into a fairly deep sinkhole, her fear of missing out, some bad acne, and a backstabbing pet dog.
My Boyfriend The Vampire Or Pirate
By Laila McDowd
Shy librarian Maggie Lopez discovers that her fiancé is secretly a blood-sucking immortal, or a sexy maritime plunderer if that’s hotter for you, in this deeply confusing but arousing novel.
The Gun Directive
By Brock Rock
In the 23rd installment of Rock’s celebrated Agent Violence series, the stakes are higher, the guns are louder, and the conspiracies are the most conspiratorial yet.
American Red Cross Lifeguarding Manual
By American Red Cross
Probably should’ve cracked this book before you climbed into that tall chair, but better late than never.
My Brother The Lover
By Sophie Taylor
She’s newly divorced. Her sexy new neighbor is single. The only problem? They’re siblings. Sophie Taylor’s latest romance is perfect for fans of coastal settings, family drama, and incest.
Bridget Jones’s Obituary
By Helen Fielding
Follow an aging Bridget Jones as she navigates work, love, and getting hit by a car.
Dev Patel And Dakota Fanning Fall In Love
By Emily Henry
Try to fuck up the casting on this one, movie studios.
Fwd: Re: Urgent: Tuesday’s Presentation
By Scott Jones
Looks like your out-of-office day is ruined now.
The Onion.
Tips For Karaoke
Whether you’re out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night.
Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth.
Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie that everyone knows, like “Greensleeves” or “Froggy Went A-Courtin’ . ”
Practice getting drunk at home.
Wait until the song is over before eating your ham sandwich.
Tipping the karaoke host ensures you get more song.
Remember, the crowd is more scared of you than you are of them.
Make yourself look good by performing a duet with an ugly, tone-deaf friend.
Accept that you’re okay with your coworkers seeing you at your lowest.
You’re already doing way too much by researching karaoke advice.
The Onion.
ClickHole
The Dangers Of Automation: The Nation’s Eye-Candy Pool Boys Are Struggling To Compete With More Efficient, Sexier Pool-Cleaning Robots
Technological progress often comes at a price, especially when it comes to automation. More and more people are being put out of work with each new advancement in the field, and it seems like automation may now be pushing yet another time-honored industry to the brink of extinction, as an increasing number of America’s eye-candy pool boys are losing their jobs to sexier, more efficient pool-cleaning robots.
Wow. This truly is a sign of the times.
While pool cleaning used to be a reliable summer job for the nation’s hottest hunks, innovation may soon see the last of them hanging up their skintight speedos, as more people are trusting their pool-cleaning duties to state-of-the-art, hyper-efficient robots that can clean a pool in half the time and with twice the sex appeal. These sleekly designed, impeccably bronzed androids are engineered to detect the presence of a single leaf the moment it falls into a pool, and they can manage pH fluctuations with unprecedented precision—and look hot as hell doing it.
With carbon-fiber body kits laser-carved for maximum physical allure and highly advanced infrared facial-recognition sensors designed to notice subtle signs of carnal desire, the automatons are vastly better equipped than human pool boys to identify and respond to the sexual needs of their employers. And they’re smooth talkers to boot, coming preloaded with a wide array of titillating conversation starters like “Your husband sure doesn’t seem to be around much,” and “No one understands you the way that I do, Sarah.”
Further, with new breakthroughs in automated pool-boy technologies being made every day, it will only get harder and harder for America’s human pool boys to keep up. Their robotic counterparts are expected to see exponential improvements in their already superior sunscreen application capabilities over the next few years, giving them a massive advantage in terms of initiating sensual touch to spark torrid affairs with bored housewives. By the end of the decade, these sexy pool-cleaning robots are projected to have solar batteries with sufficient energy efficiency to allow them to hide silently in a bedroom closet for up to 72 hours when a housewife’s husband comes home unexpectedly, far surpassing the staying power of a regular pool boy.
These robots currently come at a much higher price point than regular pool boys, making them accessible only to wealthy women who are all alone in their enormous mansions while their husbands are away on business, but expect that to change soon as well. The price of the machines is projected to drop precipitously in coming years, eliminating an estimated 80 percent of pool-boy jobs for humans by 2030. And when that happens, our pool boys will have very little to fall back on.
So, yeah, seems like it’s pretty safe to say that America’s pool boys’ days are numbered. Let this be yet another cautionary tale of the risks posed by automation.
5 Reasons To Love Summer (NO AI)
We are proud to announce that no AI was used whatsoever when writing this list of reasons to love summer.
1. It’s hot out.
Normally before writing, we’d Google this topic to see what other people have said to make sure we’re adding something new to the conversation. However, it’s pretty hard to avoid Google’s AI overview these days, and we don’t want that to influence what we write, so we’re just going with our first thoughts on this list, which is that summer is hot, which is why summer is great. Don’t like it? Kiss our perfectly ethical rumps!
2. There’s sunshine!
When summer’s here, you can finally shake off the winter blues and get out in the beaitiful sunshine! FYI, we messed up typing that, and “beaitiful” automatically corrected to the proper spelling of “beautiful.” Obviously spell-check and autocorrect type of stuff has been around for a while, but it definitely seems like it could be using AI to catch those mistakes, so because we’re not taking any chances we changed it right back to beaitiful. REMINDER: NO AI WAS USED HERE!
3. Did somebody say BEACH BALLS?
Nobody did, but if they had, it would’ve been a human, because this list is 100-percent human generated. And beach balls are such an epic part of summer! They’re inflatable balls that you can play with at the pool or beach, and that makes us love summer. Honestly we doubt AI has ever even touched a beach ball. Not sure how that would even work!
4. You can reconnect with nature.
Summer isn’t a time to be in the house—it’s a time to reconnect with nature. And look, we know that sentence construction is extremely characteristic of AI, but we actually wrote it ourselves. And we’re not going to change our writing style because computers have co-opted it—we’re going to change it because we decide to do so. And we don’t. Got a problem? Kiss our ethical rumps once more!
5. Swimming.
Swimming is an amazing thing you can do in the summer, and you can still do it because AI hasn’t drained all the world’s water, or whatever is happening or going to happen with that. We didn’t contribute to that though, because this wasn’t written by a computer, but instead four humans who each make $32,500 a year. Now get outside and enjoy the weather! Happy summer!
Fuck Yeah: Hanukkah In June
No fucking way we’re waiting until December. Hanukkah is now in June, baby!
It’s Hanukkah in June! Light the menorah, don your swimsuit, and get ready to celebrate eight days of summertime fun!
When the weather gets warm, it’s time for Hanukkah! We’re going to spin dreidels while kicking back poolside!
Throw some latkes on the BBQ!
There’s plenty of Manischewitz in the cooler! Leave your parka in storage, friend! It’s Hanukkah in June!
Uh-oh, looks like the rabbi got a sunburn! Hey, rebbe, slap some SPF 50 on there before you sizzle like a sufganiyah!
Nice, a reggae band is here to play “Ma’oz Tzur”! Hanukat hamizbe’ah, compadres!
Light some fireworks with the shamash! Badass!
Wooooooo! Hanukkah in June! We’re never fuckin’ going back!
Innovative: ‘The New York Times’ Has Announced Their Subscriptions Will Now Be Billed On A Sliding Scale Based On How Likely Someone Is To Remember That They’re Still Being Billed For ‘The New York Times’
As companies struggle to find profitable revenue models in the ever-changing digital landscape, one iconic journalistic entity is pursuing a novel and logical solution: The New York Times has announced their subscriptions will now be billed on a sliding scale based on how likely someone is to remember that they’re still being billed for the New York Times.
Hey, that’s actually pretty smart!
In an unassuming email sent out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday night (likely in the hopes that many subscribers would never open it), The New York Times quietly announced that access to The New York Times will now be billed on a sliding scale, ranging from $0.32 to $23,000 a month depending on how likely the subscriber is to remember that they’re paying for it.
If you’ve ever tried to cancel your New York Times subscription only to be offered a much lower rate to continue, you know these subscription fees were already quite malleable, but this new model takes their seemingly arbitrary pricing to the extreme. People who are hyper-aware they are paying for The New York Times—such as those who play Wordle first thing at 6 a.m. before they even get out of bed and those who frequently share NYT links to Facebook with the caption, “Great article in today’s Times!”— will receive the lowest rates to ensure they don’t cancel their subscriptions when they realize they can barely afford groceries or get demoted at work. People least likely to realize they’re still paying for The New York Times, such as old people with dementia, dead people, and people who have so many subscriptions that they just expect hundreds of dollars to leave their bank account monthly for reasons they can’t remember, will be completely gouged by subscription rates many multiples of their mortgage payments.
This is definitely an idea whose time has come.
Look, the days of getting a newspaper delivered to your porch and therefore having a constant reminder that you’re paying for The New York Times are over, so it’s time for the Times to fully exploit the fact that people don’t know what the fuck they’re paying for half the time. Hopefully this innovative pricing model allows The New York Times to survive another 175 years, even if it means your grandma is paying $8,000 a month for it despite not even knowing her username and password to log in to the site.
Refreshing Transparency: Trump’s Next Physical Will Be Performed In Front Of A Live Audience At Madison Square Garden
Under President Trump, government transparency is all but nonexistent. That’s what makes his administration’s latest decision so unexpectedly refreshing: Trump’s next physical will be performed in front of a live audience at Madison Square Garden.
Wow. Hey, if it takes indulging Trump’s penchant for showmanship to have a more honest and open executive office, we’ll take it!
As the President enters his 80s with his health under greater scrutiny than ever, Trump is setting out to prove he’s of sound body and mind by undergoing a Presidential Physical live on stage, in the round, at Madison Square Garden. The MSG-hosted event was announced at a press conference this morning, where President Trump explained that Dr. Sean Barbarella, the current Physician to the President, will examine every inch of his body and test his mental acuity for the 20,000 spectators lucky enough to score a ticket—which sold out minutes after going on sale, with front-row seats priced at $1,000,000 each.
“You’re gonna see every inch of my body and brain on the MSG jumbotron, and you’re gonna say, ‘boy, that’s a healthy person, we saw it all, what an honest and transparent president Trump is,’ and it’ll be true, because it is true, and the proof will be right there in the World’s Most Famous Arena,” said President Trump, before boasting about his physical selling out MSG in minutes, when “President Biden’s Live Presidential Physical couldn’t even sell out Union Pool in Williamsburg,” an event that fact-checkers quickly proved never happened. “There will be an encore. A big one. We’re keeping it a surprise. It’s a dental check-up.”
While Trump’s physical is the headliner event, the lineup also features an opening colonoscopy of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an autism screening of RFK Jr. that will take place at the same time he’s getting the colonoscopy, and FBI Director Kash Patel reading the Wikipedia page for “Pap smear” at intermission.
Say what you will about Trump, but this is a huge step towards repairing public trust in government.
No matter what the results of Trump’s physical exam are, Americans will get to see it with their own eyes, instead of taking Trump at his word. Props to the President for setting a new standard for government transparency!
Duffel Blog
Fat Leonard releases sex tape as part of presidential pardon campaign
LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon.The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption.“Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.”Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release.According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled Everybody Took the Bribes But Me, and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.”“The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.”Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia.“Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.”The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances.Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move.“This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'”“He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.”
Pentagon unveils technology to hide fat generals from Hegseth
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THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.”
“It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders.
According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history.
“The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.”
The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses.
Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.”
“The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.”
Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation.
“The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust...
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ICE says Americans have no reason to worry about its new MQ-9 Reapers
MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.”Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability.Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages.“The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.”“Now we finally have someone to use them on.”ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model.“We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well."According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core.“They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.”Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology.“'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said.The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week.Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted:01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger.At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering.🖊️Phil Cable is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.Grumpy contributed to this story.
Hegseth bans teachings of Jesus from Pentagon Christian services
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”“So we're just going to skip those parts.”According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Influenza outbreak prompts Air Force to adopt RFK Jr.'s natural treatment protocol
SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.”The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.”Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear.According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.”Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear.The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.”Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake.“I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.”Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear.“We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.”The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.”Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy.“We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.”He paused.“I mean... that's not terrible, right?”Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy.“The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.”White House officials also praised the initiative.“We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.”🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
Daily Mash
Girlfriend helps with funny anecdote by correcting inaccuracies
A MAN’S girlfriend kept helpfully interjecting while he was telling a funny story to ensure it was an accurate account of events.
In the pub with friends, Jack Browne began relating an anecdote about himself and girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris visiting a restaurant during their recent holiday in Greece.
Wood-Morris said: “Jack’s story was about our meal being ruined when a band turned up and serenaded a woman at the next table for her birthday. Luckily I was able to do a live fact-check.
“Jack gave the impression it was a whole mariachi-style band playing deafening instruments. It really wasn’t, it was the restaurant owner with a guitar and a couple of waiters singing. So obviously I had to clear that up.
“Jack was insisting they were absolutely terrible and went on for 20 minutes. It wasn’t anything like that. It was three minutes at most. I remember looking at my watch just then. And they weren’t terrible, they were quite good. I enjoyed the brief diversion.
“Obviously all these corrections broke the flow of the story and Katrina, Pete and Emma all stopped laughing and just looked at Jack suspiciously. But I know Jack wouldn’t want to give a distorted version of the facts.”
Browne said: “She did this with my funny story about my old car. From now on my anecdotes will be ones where this bloody Emily Maitlis cow wasn’t there.”
Dad not letting a little fire stop family enjoying holiday in Bordeaux
A FATHER is refusing to let a spot of uncontrollable wildfire ruin his family’s holiday in Bordeaux.
Tom Booker had already meticulously planned the two-week family vacation by the river Garonne, and so was not about to let a suffocating inferno send him scurrying back to a caravan park in Dorset.
He said: “We’ve come this far and it’s too late to get the Airbnb refunded. Besides, witnessing a blaze firsthand will be character building for the kids.
“I’ll have a word with the firefighters and ask if we can drive through the flames. They may not understand a sentence like ‘Don’t worry, I’ve supervised loads of family bonfires’ but assuming it’s a man he’ll understand we’re not afraid of a few smouldering trees.
“I don’t see why my wife’s so worried. People travel to the continent because they want warm temperatures all the time. It’s not my fault Goldilocks there in the passenger seat can’t stand the heat.
“We’re going to the Saint Michel Basilica and the Place de la Bourse and that’s final. The locals have been driven out by the flames but that means it will be quiet. Hopefully they’ve not burned down, but you go to see ruins all the time.”
Booker’s son Oscar said: “This wouldn’t have happened if we’d gone to Disneyland like I wanted. But I need to stop sobbing with fear before I can mention it.”
Equestrian, philanthropist, socialite and other jobs that don’t exist if you’re poor
FANCY being able to call yourself something impressive like ‘tycoon’? Sadly these occupations are not open to the likes of you average income peasants:
Equestrian
‘Equestrian’ wasn’t mentioned alongside ‘plumber’ or ‘personnel manager’ by your careers advisor, probably because it’s a career somewhat dependent on daddy buying you a horse. Sadly you can’t bravely overcome poverty by learning to show jump on your dog.
Philanthropist
A billionaire gives £20 million to a museum and is hailed as a philanthropist. You give a tenner of tinned tuna and pasta to the food bank and nobody even lets you cut in front at Aldi. It’s proportionately the same amount of your income. Not to mention that you bought a poppy two years ago.
Socialite
If a rich woman attends parties five nights a week she’s a glamorous socialite who gets a spread in Hello! magazine. A dinnerlady who’s down the pub that often would be condemned and asked who’s looking after her poor, neglected kids. Maybe it’s time to give up your dream of being Tamara Beckwith.
Tycoon
Nobody has ever described the bloke who owns four kebab shops as a ‘fast-food tycoon’. Nor has anyone referred to the woman with a successful Etsy business as a ‘cross-stitch magnate’. A tycoon is simply someone whose money has become too embarrassing to express as a number.
Patron of the arts / Art collector
A millionaire watch collector gets praised for keeping a craft alive. If you’ve got more than five Funko Pops, you’re told that’s why you’ll never own a house. If a billionaire buys a Damien Hirst shark off Charles Saatchi for $8 million they’re helping British art. If you buy a gig ticket for £80 you’ve got more money than sense, according to your dad. Probably wise of Saatchi to get rid of the shark before it turns into mush, though.
Explorer
A posh person who spends years getting diseases in the Amazon or losing various extremities in the Arctic is a hero pushing themselves to the limit. If you did it people would ask you when you’re going to get a proper job. And their reaction to missing fingers would just be ‘idiot’.
Gentleman farmer
Former members of Blur or ex-hedge fund managers are called ‘gentleman farmers’, despite their crop usually being fairly non-vital, like posh cheese or alpacas. Farmers who feed the nation with unglamorous things like potatoes and beef get no such approving title. Presumably they are ‘ruffian farmers’.
Bon viveur
If a wealthy man drinks expensive claret while enjoying a long and sumptuous lunch, he’s a bon viveur, the life and soul of the party. If you order a kebab and crack open a pack of Stella at 1pm on a Tuesday in the office, there’s apparently something wrong with that.
How to handle grandad coming back from Thailand with a new special friend
NAN passed away four years ago, but Grandad is coping. He’s been to Bangkok and now he’s introducing people to his ‘special friend’. Here’s how to deal with it.
Don’t ask how they met
You already know. It wasn’t at a friend’s wedding. Whatever version he tells you will involve ‘we just got chatting’, purchases of drinks and that ‘she likes older men’. Don’t throw shade on this beautiful late-life love affair by asking why every photo is in the same dodgy-looking bar or if he’s sure his ‘lady friend’ really is a lady.
Prepare for barbed Facebook comments
Nan’s sister Yvonne will be under every photo with ‘That’s one way to move on, Derek’. Your aunt will mysteriously start posting bitter Minions memes about loyalty. Someone’s changing their profile picture to Nan in moody black and white. Mute the family WhatsApp group before someone starts a poll asking whose side everyone’s on.
Tell yourself they never have sex
This is essential for your own mental wellbeing. They simply enjoy long walks, daytime television and discussing exchange rates between baht and sterling. She’s in Britain for fish and chips and English language study, nothing more. The matching kimonos came from the language school.
Focus on the food
The silver lining is that family Sunday lunches improve dramatically. Grandad’s gone from tinned meat and boiled carrots to homemade green curry. You may not approve of the circumstances, but you’d be lying if you said the free takeaway-quality cuisine wasn’t an upgrade.
Act like the age gap is normal
‘No, she just looks young for her age,’ claims Grandad, although she’s closer in age to his grandchildren than him. If anyone raises an eyebrow, stare into the middle distance and say ‘Love is love’. It is, even for perverts. It’s not creepy, you tell yourself, it’s an inspiring tale of two people meeting despite a 45 year age gap, 6,000 miles and about a zillion obvious problems.
Tell strangers she’s his carer
It’s less awkward than explaining she’s his girlfriend. Calling her Nan will just draw attention and she won’t like it, as she’s only 38 and has better skin than your sister. You could pretend they’re father and daughter but that’s genetically implausible. He’s saying ‘Sawasdee krab’ instead of ‘Hello’ to the postman now but you don’t think it’s convincing that a British pensioner who voted for Brexit has a live-in language tutor.
Remember he’s happy
As disturbing as it is watching an 82-year-old pensioner discover emojis and hair gel, he’s smiling more than he has in years. If he’s found someone who makes him happy and can tolerate hearing about his hip replacement every day while waiting for her indefinite leave to remain, everyone wins. Or at least everyone gets spring rolls.
Six things to do when the unthinkable happens and it rains abroad
OFF to sunny climes completely not expecting it to piss it down? These unfulfilling emergency pastimes will take your mind off knowing you could be in Britain for free.
Watch TV
There’s a big telly in your apartment you barely noticed when the sun was shining, but now it’s lamping it down stair rods you can resort to the great British pastime of vegetating in front of the box. Sadly for you, all the channels are f**king Greek and even the subtitles are incomprehensible squiggles. You stumble across a vaguely soft porn soap scene, but have to quickly turn off because you’ve got the kids with you. Bollocks.
Read a book
You’ve already finished the two paperbacks you paid a shitting fortune for at the airport on the way out, but good news is your hotel has a ‘book library’ comprised of novels others have either finished or stopped reading because they were shit. Unfortunately, none of the tatty selection of well-thumbed reads are in English so you find yourself trying to plough manfully through a copy of 100 Years of Solitude in Portuguese.
Sex
Theoretically brilliant. Shut the curtains, lock the door so the cleaner doesn’t stumble in, then hump passionately. Trouble is, your five-year-old and nine-year-old are in tow, so there’s f**k all chance. Make an excuse for needing a shower and knock out a rapid, guilty wank, while weighing the pros and cons of having children and discovering you’re really struggling to think of pros.
Sightseeing
The beach and pool are non-starters since it’s pissing down, so isn’t this the perfect opportunity to explore the local history and culture you’ve been avoiding while there were better things to do? That olive oil museum looked vaguely interesting, but it’s shut in the afternoons. Head for the obligatory ruined 15th century castle overlooking the bay, only to find it’s slippy as a post-coital willy underfoot now it’s wet, and there’s no f**king roof.
Souvenir shopping
It’s like a wet bank holiday in the Lake District out there, or to put a positive spin on it: an ideal chance to snap up those holiday keepsakes you neither want nor need. Emerge from your two-hour tour of the local tourist shops with three tea towels, a fridge magnet with a badly painted church on it, and a huge ceramic bowl with lemons on that you’ll never fit in your case and end up leaving behind. And that’s before the kids start draining your wallet on shite made from plastic.
Write postcards
You’re beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel now, but your super-organised partner has brought her address book with her, so this is feasible, hooray. Pass an hour writing lies about how much you’re enjoying yourself then pop them in the postbox to eventually arrive in the UK a month after you do. Oh, and Gemma walked out on Tom the day after you flew away, so now you’re in the shit for addressing one to the pair of them.
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