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A new Superman movie directed by James Gunn is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.

Q: What is Superman about?

A: Superman trying to reconnect with his roots by opening a Kryptonian restaurant in a skeptical Midwestern town.

Q: What is the film’s run time?

A: Five concealed PBR tallboys long. 

Q: Is Spider-Man in it?

A: No buddy, this one is about a different guy, but he’s pretty cool too!

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: Fans fluent in Mandarin can get a sneak peek of the film right now on WATCHMOVIESNOWHD123.COM.

Q: Who is Superman for?

A: Girlfriends who have become so desperate for a date night they’re willing to make some concessions. 

Q: When will the next Superman reboot come out?

A: About 45 minutes into this one. 

The post What To Know About The New ‘Superman’ Movie appeared first on The Onion.

MILWAUKEE—Calling the effort a long overdue attempt to address the city’s checkered history, Milwaukee officials announced Friday that they had removed the iconic riverfront Fonzie statue amid an ongoing reckoning with the town’s greaser past. “In the year 2025, no one should be celebrating the dark era in this city when motorcycles, leather jackets, and necking dominated our streets,” said Mayor Cavalier Johnson, who held a press conference at the former site of the controversial statue known as the Bronze Fonz, telling Milwaukeeans it was also time to consider renaming Pinky Tuscadero Park. “It’s hard to imagine being a young buttoned-up square or egghead walking past this monument, knowing full well that it commemorated a man who might have revved his engine at you at any moment. Of course, there’s a sanitized narrative that being a greaser was all thumbs-up and fixing jukeboxes. But we know better than that. We should be condemning Arthur Fonzarelli for repeatedly urging Ralph Malph and Potsie to ‘sit on it’—not preserving him in bronze.” Johnson added that the city planned to melt down the statue to make a soda fountain where bobby-soxers could congregate without fear of being creamed.

The post Milwaukee Removes Fonzie Statue Amid Reckoning With Greaser Past appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—As a singer made her way onto the field to kickoff another home game with “The Star-Spangled Banner,” White Sox public address announcer Gene Honda politely reminded fans Tuesday to remove the Polish sausages from their mouths during the national anthem. According to spectators, Honda told the crowd to “Please rise and kindly remove any tubed meats from your mouth,” instructing those in attendance to respectfully place the bun over their hearts until the song had ended. Several reports indicated the announcement also included a reminder to take the nachos off one’s lap before standing to honor the American flag, though this message was largely drowned out by the chomping, crunching, chugging, and belching that echoed throughout the stadium and the city at large. Security officials later confirmed they had removed several “disrespectful” White Sox fans who had interrupted the anthem with various forms of meat-induced coronary failure.

The post White Sox Fans Asked To Remove Polish Sausage From Mouths During  National Anthem appeared first on The Onion.

An Australian woman was found guilty of murdering three of her estranged husband’s relatives by serving them beef Wellington laced with death‑cap mushrooms. What do you think?

“Poisoning your in-laws is no reason to waste a perfectly good tenderloin.”

Theo Wong, Unemployed

---

“You gotta get creative living in a country with such strict gun laws.”

Paul Engel, Ascot Knotter

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“That was my late husband’s favorite meal.”

Sarah York, Blurb Editor

The post Australian Woman Convicted Of Triple Murder Using Poisonous Mushrooms appeared first on The Onion.

WACO, TX — Famed HGTV stars Chip and Joanna Gaines announced today that their "Magnolia" company would be introducing a line of rainbow shiplap.

JURASSIC PARK — A scientist working on the seventh iteration of Jurassic Park asked his bosses today if perhaps they should consider making the dinosaurs out of papier-mâché this time.

SUNNYVALE, CA — In a clear sign of progress, developers confirmed that A.I. was now only racist against Italians.

ORLANDO, FL — What began as a normal day at the Magic Kingdom descended into a near-riot atmosphere, as — due to a malfunction — The Hall of Presidents' animatronic Donald Trump kept rounding up all of the Mexican guests and attempting to deport them from Disney World.

HOGWARTS — Headmaster Albus Dumbledore admitted he was beginning to question the sensibility of having an entire house of students named after an evil snake that's dedicated to perpetuating racist ideas and destroying Hogwarts.

Between frequent flight cancellations, disruptive power outages, and a dire shortage of air traffic controllers, Newark Liberty International Airport has been a disaster lately, and the following story is sadly no exception: A flight’s entire crew and passengers took off this morning without their plane.

Yikes. A situation like this is truly the last thing EWR needed.

Earlier today, Flight 8786 toward Tucson was forced to turn back to Newark Airport just 20 minutes after takeoff due to the fact that they’d left the runway without the Airbus A321 they were supposed to be riding in. As the crew and passengers were approaching cruising altitude, a flight attendant realized she didn’t have access to her usual drink cart, and upon informing the pilot of this issue, it was confirmed they were 25,000 feet in the air without the crucial transportation device required for this trip.

As the pilot announced they’d be turning around to head back to Newark, many passengers groaned, as they’d already been forced to wait an extra three hours before their flight was even able to depart. While it’s deeply frustrating that no airline worker was able to look around and think “Let’s make sure we bring the plane with us,” while they were still at the airport, the truth is that EWR is understaffed and errors like this are becoming all too common.

Wow. What a mess. Here’s hoping they actually take off with the plane next time, and fingers crossed no one’s luggage gets lost in the shuffle.

Eye floaters are a pesky but common problem, but if you suffer from this condition, we have great news for you, because the American Optometric Association has announced that eye floaters are just little friends coming to say hello.

Oh, so that’s all that is! Neat!

As explained by America’s top optometrists, compelling new research on the retina has revealed that eye floaters—the little gray or black specks that move around in your field of vision—are just little friends who want to come say hi to you! Although those who experience eye floaters often feel inconvenienced by spots clouding their vision, the AOA confirms that this is just your little friends’ way of showing that they love you—and want to play!

Aww… well, when you put it like that, guess it is pretty cute!

“Every morning when you wake up, your eye floaters wake up, too, and they cannot wait to see you and show you their dance,” reported the director of the American Optometric Association. “With eye floaters, you’ll never be lonely, because you’ve got dozens, if not hundreds of little buddies drifting in and out of your eyeline all day.”

“But even though they love you, they’re still a bit shy, so don’t be surprised if they dart away whenever you try to get a better look,” concluded the statement.

Wow. This is seriously such a gamechanger! Instead of getting annoyed next time some eye floaters make it difficult for you to see clearly, shout “Hello, my tiny best friends!”

It’s no secret that Mom and Dad’s marriage has been on the rocks for years. They’ve grown so distant, and some of their fights recently have been pretty vicious. It really seems like their relationship is crumbling. Fortunately, there is one thing holding their marriage together: Dad has no charisma and lives in a shed with dozens of filthy birds. Here are four times Dad tried to cheat on Mom, but failed because he has no game and lives in a chicken coop.

1. The Time Dad Invited That Woman From His Gym Back To His Place And A Rooster Chased Her Into The Woods

About three years ago, Dad’s wandering eye fell on a woman he met at the gym. Dad convinced her to come back to his place so that he could show her a YouTube video about snails. The woman did not want to watch this video, but Dad pulled one of his classic pickup moves and said, “If you don’t watch this video about snails with me, I will blow up my own car and many people will be injured.” The woman did not want him to do that, so she went back to Dad’s chicken coop. The smell made her throw up as soon as she walked in, and then Dad tried to “set the mood” by lighting a single birthday candle and asking the woman to hold it because he didn’t have any candlesticks. It’s incredibly unlikely Dad was going to get very far with this woman regardless, but his chances were completely dashed when the rooster he lives with saw the woman and chased her into the woods. The whole thing was pretty embarrassing for Dad in the moment, but there’s no doubt that it saved his marriage.

2. The Time Dad Texted His Coworker Nancy About How The Chickens He Lived With Had Given Him A Disease

Dad’s coworker Nancy is pretty nice, but she’s never really shown too much romantic interest in Dad. Unfortunately, Dad is terrible at reading signals, and one time Nancy sent a company wide email announcing an office food drive. Dad thought this mass email was Nancy flirting with him, so the next day he sent her a text that said, “I have an exotic disease that comes from living with chickens.” Then Dad texted Nancy a picture of Sean Connery with the caption, “This is my penis. Let’s kiss in my birdhouse.” Dad got fired and also did not get to sleep with Nancy. As a result, Mom and Dad remained married!

3. The Time Dad Set Up A Secret Dating Profile That Listed His Job As “I Live With Chickens And Steal To Eat”

Dad tried to cast a pretty wide net for his infidelity a couple years back by setting up a dating profile on a couple of apps and seeing if he could get some women to go out with him. Fortunately for Dad’s marriage, his total lack of game meant that his dating profile was absolutely terrible. First off, the picture he chose for his profile was that one where he’s trapped under a big log that fell on him. Second of all, under “Job,” he wrote, “I live with chickens and I steal to eat. I used to be an accountant, but I got fired for embezzling money from the company to pay for lip enlargement surgery.” Then, for the prompt, “Describe your ideal first date,” Dad wrote, “I look at your ass and I think about your ass and then we go back to my chicken coop and you show me your ass and I look at your ass.” And for the prompt, “What’s a fun fact about you?” Dad wrote, “My wife’s feet are bigger than mine.” Needless to say, Dad got exactly zero matches on the apps, and his marriage to Mom lived to see another day.

4. The Time Dad Crawled Out His Chicken Coop And Tried To Get The Amazon Delivery Driver To Help Him Behead A Chicken For Blasphemy

A few months ago, an Amazon delivery driver was walking up the driveway to drop something off at our front door, and Dad happened to spot her from his chicken coop. Dad crawled out of the coop covered in feathers and chicken shit and tomato sauce and said, “Hey baby, why not come live in this birdcage with me? I’ve got a bunch of chickens I need to kill for disgracing the Lord, and you look like just the kind of hot babe to hold the birds down while I chop their heads off.” The delivery driver said, “No, thank you,” and tried to leave, at which point Dad said, “Would it sweeten the deal if I told you that I’m extremely religious and I think people should get their heads chopped off for swearing and drinking beer?” The delivery driver said that this did not sweeten the deal and then got back in her truck and drove away. If Dad had been just a bit more suave and a bit less covered in chicken detritus, it’s possible he would have seduced this woman and ruined his marriage. Fortunately, he is a disgusting and unappealing man, and this has kept our family intact.

A pretty devastating situation is unfolding in a studio apartment in Chicago this morning, and if you’ve got a weak stomach for tragedy we recommend you look away: This loser whose life is pretty objectively in shambles just described himself as a perfectionist.

Absolutely heartbreaking. This is hands down the saddest thing that you’re going to read all day.

According to local news outlets, 29-year-old Alex Vernon’s life is a complete and total disaster, yet he somehow still views himself as someone whose biggest personal weakness is the pursuit of an unattainable standard of excellence. Sources close to Alex report that he is one of the biggest losers they know, but he has repeatedly claimed that he is someone who strives for complete perfection in all of his pursuits. It’s a level of self-delusion that experts have called “tragic” and “catastrophically ill-informed.”

Oof. You’ve really got to feel for this guy.

“I’m just the kind of person who isn’t satisfied unless I’m performing at the highest possible level,” Alex told reporters from the studio apartment where he lives alone and spends most of his time playing video games, doing drugs, and checking his online dating profile that hasn’t received a single match in over a year. “In both my work life and personal life, I drive myself crazy trying to make sure every little detail is flawless.”

Sources close to Alex recently clarified that his “personal life” refers to his relationship with his small group of friends, who largely find him insufferable and self-absorbed, and that his “work life” refers to his temp job working the check-in desk at a gym, which his manager has confirmed he will soon be fired from since he regularly fails to properly scan patrons’ ID cards.

It’s just baffling that this guy could take a look at his empty, dead-end existence and then turn around and say, “Yeah, I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” It’s possible that he has some grand plan for success that he just hasn’t realized yet, but for now, Alex’s life is clearly the result of his failing in absolutely everything he does in every possible way. Here’s hoping someone gives Alex a wake-up call soon so that he can stop describing himself as a perfectionist and start recognizing himself as the fuck-up he is.

It is during times of trial that it is most crucial to retain your sense of hope, and the following story is a powerful example of someone who held onto his optimism in the face of a dark situation: The long hair this man just found in his burrito might’ve come from a pretty lady.

So true! Now that’s how you look on the bright side!

While Adam Pfeffets of Boston, MA could’ve let the foot-long hair he just pulled out of his burrito ruin his lunch—or even his day—Adam has chosen not to focus on the potential health code violations associated with the hair, but rather on the fact that the it is long, shiny, and quite possibly from the head of beautiful woman. Given that he’s in a Mexican restaurant, it’s completely reasonable to think the woman may even be Latina!

What’s become even more impressive to Adam as he’s continued to eat his burrito is how the hair has remained intact despite having been cooked alongside rice, beans, and chorizo. The lone lock is an obvious symbol of its owner’s virility, vitality, and youth…which, in a wonderful twist of fate, are the exact qualities Adam is looking for in a wife! Could this beautiful Latina woman become his bride? Perhaps he could take her salsa dancing for their first date!

Though Adam is alone in the restaurant, save for the long-haired teenage employee at the register (whose hair is clearly dark brown, not light black like the hair in the burrito), Adam is sitting up straighter as he finishes the rest of his meal, just on the off chance that a beautiful woman walks back inside to ask if anyone’s seen the strand of hair she accidentally left behind.

What an inspiring tale! Where other men would have demanded a refund from this burrito shop, Adam instead left a 5-star Google review stating, “If you have long hair and have dined here recently, call me.”

Now that’s how you stay on the positive. Share if you agree we could all live a little more like Adam!

WASHINGTON — In a significant development in both foreign policy and snack branding, President Donald Trump announced today that all future U.S. military strikes on Iran will be officially sponsored by PepsiCo.

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Under the terms of the groundbreaking agreement, Pepsi has secured exclusive branding rights to the country and renamed it “Pepsistan” following the first airstrike. In exchange, the company will pay $5 million upfront and up to $20 million in deferred snack-based incentives over the next 25 years — a deal Trump called “unbelievable, historic, and very, very fizzy.”

Also as part of the agreement, American pilots must now say “This bombing run brought to you by Pepsi” before deploying ordnance.

“I almost walked away, but then they offered me unlimited Funyuns,” Trump said from his Pepsi-a-Lago compound in Florida, describing the negotiations as “tough but beautiful.”

“Did you know Pepsi owns Funyuns? Also Gatorade. And possibly Qatar.”

He added: “Pepsi negotiators, very tough people, very smart, almost as smart as me, not quite but close, good brains, and great snacks by the way, Pepsi makes other snacks. Pringles, Ritz, Juicy Fruit, Purina, Hot Pockets—tremendous, tremendous foods. But we made it happen, great people at PepsiCo.”

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick praised the arrangement, calling it “the most successful defense-contract-slash-soft-drink-collab since Operation RipIt Freedom in Iraq.”

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WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs will introduce reverse disability ratings in an effort to address its perennial budget shortfalls, sources confirmed today. Beginning in 2026, the VA will assign negative disability ratings to veterans, charging them for any physical or mental health “improvements” resulting from their service.

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Officials say veterans will be re-evaluated not for disabilities incurred during service but for any perceived health benefits. And they have high hopes for the program, following a wildly successful trial with federal prisoners.

“Too many veterans have been improved through their service, and honestly, we think they owe us,” said one VA official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “For example, I saw one freeloader skip the line for the TSA. It’s frankly shameful. You get shot, and all of a sudden, you’re above lines?”

Among the items veterans might be billed for:

• The scar from basic training you used to impress some MILF in Kansas

• Removing the Cancerous tumor you got because of the Military

• Herpes treatment (exclusively for veterans stationed near Fort Knox)

“We’ve been burning through our budget like herpes in Fort Knox,” said a senior VA administrator, arguing that the program is a necessary evil. The VA projects that the program will generate $3 billion annually, but acknowledges that the cost of running it will reach $5 billion.

“Caring for our Veterans is of the mediumest priority here at the VA, so we make fiscal sacrifices to accomplish our mission,” the official added. “The cost of cutting costs is a costly cost to help those who made the ultimate cost-cutting sacrifice, so let’s remember their costs, especially on a day like today.”

Sean, an Army veteran with the 101st Airborne who lost his right leg to an improvised explosive device in 2006, was less enthusiastic.

“They’re going to charge me for ‘significant reduction in BMI’ due to losing my leg,” John said. “I told them if they send another bill, I’ll choke the VA Director with my stump.”

Jacob, a Navy Veteran, said he received a letter saying he would soon be charged $22 per month for “that thing from Fort Knox.”

“They didn’t even explain what it was,” Jacob said. “But the emotional stress of this charge was so intense that I filed a new claim for it. Somehow, they increased my disability rating.”

Only time will tell if this initiative will actually save the VA money. However, history suggests otherwise. The last major budget measure undertaken by the VA involved charging Al Qaeda for reparations, which has thus far generated a grand total of $238, after a bill was accidentally sent to the Saudi Arabian embassy.

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RAMSTEIN AIR BASE, GERMANY — As World War III came to an end recently with no clear victor, the one constant throughout the entire fight was the C-5 Galaxy sitting on the ramp at Ramstein Air Base. What started as a hydraulic leak led to an overhaul of the hydraulic lines throughout the aircraft, spanning the entirety of World War III in the Middle East.

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“When we landed at Ramstein, our jet started pissing hydraulic fluid like a drunken E-3 on liberty,” said C-5 Flying Crew Chief Staff Sgt. Evan Warren. “The estimated fix time kept slipping and slipping, then all of a sudden, the war was over, and our squadron was directing us to fly commercial back home.”

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WASHINGTON — As the nation gears up for its annual fiery tribute to independence, the Department of Defense is urging a moment of somber reflection for a unique demographic of American heroes: those who, through a confluence of patriotism and questionable judgment, sacrificed their limbs during last year's Fourth of July celebrations.

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A new public service announcement, "Sparklers Are Not Sabers," aims to remind citizens that the battlefield isn't the only place where brave Americans can suffer life-altering injuries.

"We honor our combat veterans, and rightly so," stated Brig. Gen. Alric "Ric" L. Francis, the Commandant of the United States Army Field Artillery School. "But let's not forget the sheer, unadulterated dedication it takes to attempt to launch a fully loaded porta-potty with a string of M-80s into low earth orbit. That’s a different kind of bravery, or perhaps a different kind of brain damage.”

The general paused to take a sip of what appeared to be black coffee, though the steam rising from the mug suggested something closer to molten lead.

"The dedication to pushing the envelope while seeing how big a bang you can get from a consumer-grade explosive is inspiring, but it results in many calls for medevacs to the local urgent care clinics.”

The campaign aims to show the increasing pattern among combat veterans who survive numerous deployments abroad yet find their most significant challenge at home, at the backyard firework show. Emergency rooms across the country are reportedly activating “Red, White, and Booze” protocols with specialized surgical teams on standby, ready to reattach, or more often, regretfully inform.

"It's about personal safety, people. Don't end up like Toby Keith's dumb ass dad," implored Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael R. Weimer. "Don't be the guy who gets liquored up and decides to launch a bottle rocket from your fourth point of contact just because you saw it on TikTok."

Last year's Fourth of July convention for operators was full of humorous events. In South Fork, Colorado, retired Sgt. Maj. Mike Vining, renowned for his demolition expertise, reportedly attempted to use a cluster of aerial mortars to 'remodel' an aging shed he considered an eyesore. The shed vanished in a flash of patriotic glory. He was later quoted as saying, “It was a controlled demolition.”

Meanwhile, at Fort Campbell, a group of combat arms soldiers, apparently feeling left out of the celebratory chaos, reportedly conducted a drive-by shooting with bottle rockets at Lt. Col. Matthew Schwind's retirement ceremony. This occurred precisely as Schwind was exaggerating to the audience with tales of the perils of being shot at during his storied career as a logistics officer. No injuries were reported, but the incident did lead to a new general order regarding 'unauthorized pyrotechnic salutes during officer farewells.'

Hospitals this year are reportedly stocking up not just on medical supplies, but also on comfort items such as "participation trophies" for veterans who demonstrate exceptional creativity in their self-inflicted injuries.

"We just want everyone to have a safe and enjoyable holiday," concluded Brig. Gen. Francis, adjusting his perfectly knotted tie. "Some of these are truly legendary stories, like a guy trying to light a firework with a lit cigarette dangling from his lip while holding a beer in his other hand.”

As the country prepares to celebrate another year of freedom, the Department of Defense reminds all Americans to exercise caution, employ common sense, and perhaps, for those with a history of military service, consider leaving the pyrotechnics to the professionals. Your local Veterans Affairs office would prefer to see you on July 5th for your routine check-up, rather than for a new set of prosthetic fingers.

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• Nation celebrates tradition of asking Veterans whether or not fireworks bother them

• Veteran With PTSD Tells Neighborhood Not To Have Any Fun This 4th Of July

• Local Firework displays 'No Douchey Veteran' sign on lawn for July 4th celebration

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced earlier this week that the USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206) will be renamed USNS James Earl Ray, but after a different individual with the same name.

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“This ship will honor someone significantly less gay,” Hegseth said in a video message from his office, sipping sweet tea with a slice of lime. “Naming a ship after a Naval officer who served with honor during the Korean War is a disgrace to the Navy and its strong reputation for heterosexuality. From now on, T-AO-206 will be named USNS James Earl Ray, but not after the guy who shot MLK.”

“It’s actually a combination of names,” Hegseth said. “James for Vice Admiral James Stockdale, Earl for the Medal of Honor winner Robert Earl Bonney, and Ray, because it’s a drop of golden sun.”

“I just want to be absolutely clear,” Hegseth said while scrolling Wikipedia on his desktop computer. “This is a different James Earl Ray. Totally separate guy. The actions of the assassin James Earl Ray are not in line with the values of the Department of Defense. We would never support or honor a white man who chose to be within range of a black person,” Hegseth added.

Meanwhile, critics have claimed that renaming USNS Harvey Milk during Pride month was a slap in the face of all gay servicemembers in the military. Hegseth confirmed this was accurate.

“Honoring gay people is not in line with the policies of this administration,” Hegseth said. “That would open a gateway for the Marxists, who will not stop until trans-lesbian black females run everything.”

The defense secretary noted that the Pentagon would now honor “a separate, yet unequal,” part of American history.

“We’re sending a strong message to our adversaries — especially those in Navy HR. From here on, our Navy and our broader armed forces will reflect traditional values, like open containers and vague Southern resentment.”

At press time, Hegseth was ordering USS Doris Miller, USNS Thurgood Marshall, USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and USNS Harriet Tubman to have their names changed to sailors who had the same names as Confederate generals.

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• Fort Irwin to be renamed Fort Hitler

• Hegseth orders military to paint 'Z' on all vehicles

• Ted Cruz tells US Army to get back to commercials that make his dick hard

• Absolute psycho brought everything on the packing list

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne. 

Listed as an ‘All-Day Event’ by your phone, the Battle is ranked as rivalling Christmas in terms of its universal importance despite your never having heard of it.

Nathan Muir said: “Is it Irish? Oh, Northern Irish. In that case I’m not sure I want to get involved.

“In truth it must be easy to ignore, as I’ve done so for 37 consecutive years so far. But if there’s a low-key way to commemorate it without offending anyone I could do that.

“I could have a Guinness? Wrong side? See, this is why we don’t engage.”

Siri said: “The Battle of the Boyne is – along with Easter, New Year and the birthday of a girl you worked with in 2011 I’ve copied from Facebook and ruled sacred – a key event requiring your attention.

“Who wouldn’t want to mark a 17th-century Protestant military victory with a calendar notification? About half of the key area it’s relevant to, who are vehemently against it? Yes.”

Muir decided to text an Irish girl he fancies with ‘Happy Battle of the Boyne day!’ after which she unfollowed him on all social media.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours? 

Julian Cook, consultant surgeon: “I’ve contrived a family party, uniting four generations for the first time since lockdown, all held in my garden with a marquee and professional caterers, entirely as an excuse to get shitfaced. And nobody suspects a thing.”

Emma Bradford, valet: “Outdoor Shakespeare. I swear I got so tanked up once that As You Like It was funny.”

Steve Malley, food photographer: “Rooftop bar. Yeah, you got that right, motherf**ker. I’m paying a 40 per cent premium to get pissed on a roof.”

Francesca Johnson, cellist: “The intervention to stop my addictions destroying my life, but I can drink because it’s only for cocaine. Uh? It isn’t? It’s for drinking as well. Riiight.”

Bill McKay, solar panel installer: “Do you even need to ask when the Scottish League Cup’s this weekend?”

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

Yes, I am taking my children aged nine and 12 out of your schools a week early to save £2,300 on a fortnight in Tunisia, which I believe to be an eminently rational decision.

Because as we both well know, holidays are much, much cheaper in term-time, aren’t they? And money is real. What else do we both know? That my children will be doing nothing next week but bullshit.

Colouring! Wordsearches! Running around aimlessly in fields! SATs are over. GCSEs are over. You have five days of giving the kids fun shit to do while you tidy up. Is this worth £2,300 of my money? I respectfully suggest it is f**king not.

You may attempt to fine me. You won’t fine me that f**king much, will you? And I’m betting that six weeks swilling wine in a gîte in the South of France – you don’t stint on your own holidays, I notice – will erode your memory enough for us to get away with it.

So f**k you, f**k the council, and f**k society. We’re all going on a term-time holiday, all-inclusive with a private beach. You’re just jealous because you’re too middle-class to do it.

TWO deals with foreign countries were made to stop boats of migrants coming to our shores. But which was best? We compare and contrast the two. 

Proximity

France: Just across the channel and where the boats are coming from, so physically in good position to affect them

Rwanda: 4,376 miles away and landlocked

Governance

France: Western democracy with strong history of keeping deals made with the UK, key ally in two World Wars

Rwanda: Corrupt one-party state with record of taking money from Western governments, not providing the promised service and keeping it regardless

Deterrent

France: A nation of lovers, gourmets, and artists that only occasionally indulges in police brutality against non-white residents. Maybe 15 major incidents a year, maximum

Rwanda: Scary to migrants entirely ignorant of Rwanda despite being from the same continent, who know of it only from the terrifying sponsorship on Arsenal’s sleeves

Cost

France: Not yet revealed but it will be too much

Rwanda: £700 million for four migrants, or £175m per migrant

Proposed by

France: A traitor who doesn’t love Brexit in cahoots with an EU technocrat

Rwanda: A prime minister with vision, sagacity and a statutory fine for breaking lockdown rules received the previous day which he was desperate to distract from

Chance of success

France: If allowed by the EU and expanded beyond a pilot scheme could vastly reduce the numbers of migrants coming illegally to the UK

Rwanda: None but that wasn’t the point. It provided a valuable fixed point of xenophobic cruelty for lefties to abhor and the right wing to rally around, which is more important

Chance of being reported as a success

France: Zero. The media is already furious that the boats weren’t stopped by a press conference about it and are committed to four years of stories about Reform’s momentum

Rwanda: An absolute and total success abandoned only because of whiners and traitors, like the poll tax. This was our finest hour

As you’re no doubt aware, we’re experiencing yet another heatwave. Your move, climate change deniers. This current heatwave peaks today.@BBCBreakfast pic.twitter.com/HRX8lzTOXb — Matt Taylor (@MetMattTaylor) July 12, 2025 It’s gonna be wickedly hotter than Oz today. #Weather #HotWeather #London #Wicked pic.twitter.com/hJT3X3gcZ2 — All On The Board (@allontheboard) July 1, 2025 Not everywhere has been sweltering […]

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We don’t generally like to judge people but, well, if you do one or more of these things then, just know, not only are we judging you but we’ll probably be avoiding you from now on in fear of what terrifying behaviour you may exhibit next. 10 signs to alert you that you (or someone […]

The post 10 entirely tongue-in-cheek signs that you might be a complete and utter psychopath appeared first on The Poke.

We adore Adrian Chiles, especially since he started his weekly Guardian columns which elevate the mundane into high art. He’s truly a master of the minutiae, with previous columns having titles such as – See what we mean? We’ve compiled some of our favourites here. And now we offer you the chance to unleash your […]

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Dean Cain is back finally in the news again. The actor who played Superman on television back in the ’90s fired off some hot takes on the new James Gunn Superman movie and they were a glorious blend of ignorant and uniformed. Ex-Superman Dean Cain Says James Gunn Made a ‘Mistake’ Calling Superman an ‘Immigrant’ […]

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The hosts of the Flagrant podcast, Andrew Schulz, Akaash Singh, Mark Gagnon, and AlexxMedia, are used to shouting whatever pops into their head as loud as possible every time a mic and a camera are in front of them. Until recently, most of that yelling was in support of Donald Trump. But it appears our […]

The post Magas are finally realising what everyone else knew about Donald Trump and these podcasting bros’ real-time meltdown got all the responses it deserved appeared first on The Poke.