The Onion
The World According to Harp
The Onion.
Biggest Revelations From ‘Musk’
Musk, a new documentary about the SpaceX and Tesla CEO by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, premiered at the Venice Film Festival this week. Here is what the film revealed about Elon Musk:
Was a bit of a loner as an adult
Flew to Belgium in 2012 to undergo cosmetic chest cubing
Once made a hibachi chef stay three hours past close until he was finally able to catch one of the shrimp in his mouth
Accidentally left one of his kids in the backseat of the Tesla Roadster he shot into space in 2018
Fell in love with rockets as a teenager after witnessing the Challenger explosion
Has floated the idea of fathering another biological child specifically as a “hair farm”
Is still a little bit high from that time he smoked weed on The Joe Rogan Experience
At least 12 rhesus macaques had to be euthanized after Musk tested posts on them
Big Balls lives in the cloud now
Once tossed out of a Magic: The Gathering tournament at a Ramada Inn by two thick-necked goons
Drives a Nissan Leaf
If you post enough about a company, people will assume you founded it
The Onion.
Trump Claims He Was Falling Man
WASHINGTON—Saying America could frankly be more grateful for the enduring image he provided, President Donald Trump claimed Wednesday that he was the previously unidentified Falling Man captured midair in an iconic photograph taken on 9/11. “I was on top of the North Tower during the attacks, and after I rescued a couple hundred people, I had to jump because there were too many flames for even me to deal with,” said Trump, adding that he didn’t hesitate to leap from the 110th floor despite giving himself less than a 50% chance of survival upon impact. “There I was sacrificing myself—not Joe Biden or Hillary [Clinton]—and I wasn’t even asking for a paycheck. And it was so high up, you have no idea. When I was about to hit the ground, these large, tough guys caught me, and the first thing they said was, ‘It’s an honor to save you, sir.’ There was a firefighter, two coal miners, and one marine, but they all saluted me and told me this never would’ve happened if I’d been president.” Trump added that he had jumped off the top of the South Tower as well, but the nasty media didn’t bother to take a photo.
The Onion.
Linda Westerman
Linda Westerman, 53, died Sunday but seriously looks so good you cannot even tell that she’s dead.
The Onion.
Beef Tallow Homunculus Escapes From HHS Building
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the humanoid abomination seemed to have used the lubrication from its own body to slip through the bars of its enclosure, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services confirmed Tuesday that a beef tallow homunculus had escaped from their facility. “While we have locked down the premises and cleared the surrounding buildings, we urge the community to remain on alert—the fugitive beef tallow known as Nutritional Experiment 0147 appears human in form, but it should be considered highly greasy and approached with extreme caution,” HHS researcher Natalia Rangel told reporters as she examined a savory trail of rendered animal fat left by the mass of sentient meat drippings, which she said had grown larger and stronger in recent weeks after developing a taste for live cattle lipids. “Because of its thick and slippery composition, bullets are useless to stop this suet golem. We have found they glide through its midsection and actually accelerate out the other side. Its only known weakness is seed oils, but given the amount of saturated fat it’s already amassed, we are prepared to deploy a concentrated blast of Red Dye 40 in order to subdue it.” At press time, the recovery team hunting the beef tallow homunculus had been ordered to stand down by Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who was able to apprehend the creature by beckoning it “back into Papa’s arms.”
The Onion.
Babylon Bee
Nation Reconsidering Trial By Jury Of Peers After Discovering That Our Peers Are All Dummies
U.S. — The people of the United States were reportedly reconsidering the longstanding legal tradition of trial by a jury of peers after the revelation that most peers are abject morons.
Experts Warn Data Centers Could Soon Take Up All Abandoned Fields That Millennials Use For Family Photos
DRAPER, UT — Experts issued a new warning this week that the construction of massive data centers could soon take up all the abandoned fields millennials were currently using as locations for family photoshoots."We're very concerned about this," data center critic Lindy Church told reporters. "These poor young people won't be able to stand in a field of tall grass in their plaids and their ginghams and take family photos. It's a real travesty."
Mamdani: Women Attending 9/11 Memorial Will Be Required To Wear Hijab
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced this week that all women attending tomorrow's 9/11 memorial will be required to wear a hijab.
'Oh, Your Intelligent Creations Are Trying To Kill You? That's Interesting,' Says Jesus
PALO ALTO, CA — As tech giants continue to bicker back and forth about the dangers of A.I. becoming powerful enough to kill all humanity, Silicon Valley CEO Raymond Paul reported experiencing a divine vision in which a voice, which he alleges belonged to Jesus, said, "Oh, your intelligent creations are trying to kill you? Interesting."
Holdout Juror Accused Of Getting Hung Up On Fact That Defendant Committed Crime
PLYMOUTH, MA — In the wake of Lindsay Clancy's murder case ending in a mistrial, several jurors have publicly accused the lone holdout juror of being stubbornly hung up on the technicality that the defendant had, in fact, committed the crimes she was accused of.
ClickHole
Awesome: Tampax Has Released A Laxative And Diaper Pack Your Boyfriend Can Use In Solidarity When You’re On Your Period
Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever been in this situation: It’s that time of the month, and although your boyfriend is trying to do what he can to support you by buying you chocolate and not asking for sex, it’s just not enough. Fortunately, one feminine hygiene company has stepped up with a solution: Tampax has released a laxative and diaper pack your boyfriend can use in solidarity when you’re on your period.
Now that’s how you treat women right!
Available in stores this week, Tampax His and Hers is a must for any straight man looking to empathize with his menstruating girlfriend. The dual packs come with dual gifts: for the ladies, a regular box of tampons, and for the guys, an extra-strength laxative and a dozen diapers so they can get as close as they can to free-bleeding.
So awesome! Looks like women can finally say goodbye to being the only one in the relationship with a wet mess coming out of their crotch!
But guys, if you haven’t defined the relationship yet, don’t think these diapers aren’t for you. Tampax His and Hers packs come in several different laxative strengths, ranging from “Casual” to “Life Partner,” so that men can tailor their degree of solidarity to the seriousness of their relationship. Only three dates in? Try three hours of diarrhea. Three years in? Definitely go full blast!
So much yes. This is an amazing way for men to show their girlfriends how much they care! Sound off below if you’ll be buying this ASAP!
Heartbreaking: This Initially Cute-Seeming Bookstore Is One Of The Ones Where All The Books Look Bad
Though its cobblestone facade and tasteful awning promised that the bookstore would be full of beloved staff picks and delightful new finds, sadly, just a minute inside revealed the truth: this initially cute-seeming bookstore is one of the ones where all the books look bad.
What a bummer.
While things still seemed promising when the bells chimed as you entered and the shop’s lone clerk waved a welcoming hello, as soon as you reached the new releases table and saw only C-tier romantasy and self-published vaguely alt-right stuff, you knew it was over. It’s not just that there were no recognizable covers in the bunch, but that every book looked like a knockoff of a different book that you already decided you didn’t want to read.
With shelves full of what look like sci-fi trilogies that weren’t good enough to be adapted into TV miniseries and historical fiction set during minor political events no one has ever heard about, it’s a serious wonder how this shop is possibly still in business. Maybe people are buying the notebooks with weird paisley and skull prints that are randomly $30, because it’s hard to imagine anyone’s buying these books called things like “The Magician’s Talon,” and “The Journey Of The Lymph Node (Fourth Edition).”
Woof. Sadly, what might have been the highlight of your trip has instead become an exercise in pretending to browse until it feels like you’ve been in the store long enough to respectfully exit.
Terrifying: There’s No Way To Distinguish This Pedophile From A Normal Guy Outside Of A Couple Of The Bumper Stickers On His Car
You’ve heard this before.
A deranged criminal blends in perfectly with normal society. No obvious red flags that he’s a monster.
“He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.”
“There weren’t any signs.”
“We never suspected a thing.”
And here’s yet another terrifying example: There’s no way to distinguish this pedophile from a normal guy outside of a couple of the bumper stickers on his car.
Chilling. Outside of this man’s disgusting thirst for children and a few bumper stickers on his car proudly proclaiming it, he could be anyone you know.
Thirty-four-year-old Halloween store clerk Justin Richardson has a sick secret that only he and anyone who’s ever driven behind him is aware of: He’s a full-blown pedophile. But those who know Justin, and haven’t noticed the bumper sticker on his Hyundai Elantra that says “Pedophile TO THE BONE!”, all consider him to be a funny, nice guy who they’d be happy to invite to go swimming at the beach with their kids.
Justin has a normal girlfriend, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he is neat and tidy. The only place you’ll find any bumper stickers proudly announcing Justin’s pedophilia at all are in a few small, select places on his bumper, where there’s a “Don’t like my driving? That’s probably because I’m a PEDOPHILE!” bumper sticker next to a Grateful Dead bears decal.
This is just scary.
How many people like Justin walk among us, completely incognito, a monster hidden in plain sight, with the only sign that anything is off being a few bumper stickers that say stuff along the lines of, “Pass me my pedophilia and no one gets hurt!”? The scariest part is that if there’s one, there are many more. Stay vigilant, friends.
Awesome: Spalding Has Released A New Backboard With A Receipt Printer To Provide Players With Proof Of Dunk
Are there people in your life who refuse to believe that you can dunk a basketball? Get ready to watch your doubters asphyxiate in egg on their face thanks to this sports equipment company’s genius new product: Spalding has released a new backboard with a receipt printer to provide players with Proof Of Dunk.
How cool is that?! Spalding said, “Dunks With Documentation?” and dunkers said “Si, si, señora, por favor!”
Hitting store shelves this week is Spalding’s new ‘Regulation-Size Backboard With Proof Of Dunk Printer,’ a glass basketball backboard featuring an attached small printer that prints a receipt as verification of slam dunk. The backboard’s rim comes equipped with motion and audio sensor technology, so receipts can display stats about whether the dunk was one or two-handed, how long the player held on to the rim after dunking, and the decibel level of spectator reactions to the dunk. Plus, dangling from the backboard on a rope is a Spalding-branded ballpoint pen that players can use to sign the ‘Dunker’s Signature’ line at the receipt’s bottom.
“Whether you’re stunting at a local pick-up game or just hooping alone in your driveway, Spalding will prepare your Documented Evidence Of Dunk before you land back on the court after letting go of the hoop,” promises Spalding on the product’s packaging copy, which includes the slogan ‘Spalding Dunkers Bring Receipts.’ “Next time someone accuses you of lying about being able to dunk a basketball, watch them shove their own foot in their mouth deeper and deeper until their groin smushes against their lips when they realize…you’re a Spalding Dunker, so you Bring Receipts.”
Absolutely awesome. Spalding is truly a doubted dunker’s greatest ally.
A spokesperson for Spalding says the brand is currently in talks with the NBA to install Proof Of Dunk backboards on professional basketball courts, possibly as soon as the next season. As fans of dunk, we sure hope that’s the case. Props to Spalding for believing that no dunk should go undocumented and doing something about it!
Your Move, AOC: JD Vance Is Documenting His C*m-Eating Journey On Social Media To Destigmatize Eating Your Own C*m Every Day
Liberals across the country are applauding Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for chronicling her egg-freezing process on social media with total openness and candor. However, our Vice President has responded by one-upping AOC’s vulnerability altogether, as he shares his personal experiences with a sensitive topic pertaining to men’s fertility: JD Vance is documenting his c*m-eating journey on social media to destigmatize eating your own c*m every day.
Whoa…turns out two can play at this game. How is AOC supposed to clap back at that?!
Since last week, V.P. Vance has been going toe-to-toe with AOC’s egg-freezing saga by posting daily vlogs, progress photos, and recipes he’s designed while consuming his own c*m every single morning. Vance explained in one post that he’s hoping to “normalize an option that all men can exercise with their semen, but are reluctant to talk about in public for fear of being judged as perverted or antisocial.”
“Eating your own c*m for every meal of the day, and sometimes dessert, isn’t taboo or anything to be ashamed of, like the Radical Left wants you to believe — it’s a men’s semen issue, and I’m here to dispel any myths or misgivings that could be holding you back from trying it yourself,” said Vance in an Instagram Reel shared yesterday, in which he masturbated his uncensored penis into a Trump/Vance 2024 coffee mug and then consumed his ejaculate with a biscotti.
“On average, American men spend over $7,000 on groceries and eating out each year. Your own c*m is free. 100% free. Too many men are shamed into spending money on vegetables and meat when they have a completely free meal waiting in their own testicles,” Vance explained as he ejaculated into a lunchbox, offering viewers a simple, c*m-based lunch men can pack for work.
Dang…JD Vance has stolen AOC’s thunder in a major way.
The Vice President’s c*m-eating journey has taken the spotlight from AOC’s egg-freezing journey for now, but you have to respect both politicians for humanizing themselves before the entire Internet. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, all Americans can support destigmatizing egg-freezing and c*m-eating!
Duffel Blog
Opinion: How I learned to stop worrying and love my low testosterone
For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year.But I am finished.No pun intended.I simply cannot do this shit anymore.My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan.And you know what?I'm at peace with that.Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not.I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already.Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos.Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered.I want my retirement packet approved.I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation.Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls?They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts.I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely.I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder.My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce.The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret.Why didn't she tell me?I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me.Now Hegseth wants to optimize me.He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance.The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process.For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor.Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time.First, I used the wrong version of a form.Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin.Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY.Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.”Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat.The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage.Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get.They have forced my hand.During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files.I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account.If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits.Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it.The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS.Call it mutually assured retirement.I don't ask Hegseth to understand me.I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me.I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise.Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet.You can keep the high-T Department of War.I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville.Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files.And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format.🖊️SECDEF_Nice served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at Foxhole Briefs, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.
West Point removes ‘honor’ from ‘duty, honor, country’ ethos
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders.“Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.”The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change.Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem.“We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.”Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum.“Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.”“Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.”West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy.Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable.“You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.”The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country.One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.”Alumni expressed mixed reactions.“I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.”He paused.“Obviously the profession has evolved.”West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos.Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.”Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer.Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized.At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.
Troops receive citizenship upgrade, spouses still eligible for deportation
WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government.“Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.”Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day.Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service.Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually.Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops.“We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.”Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves.DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member.“Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said.The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service.“If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.”Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource.One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account.“No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.”Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves.The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated.“You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.”Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this.Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service.“That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.”At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Sleeping Marine aces hearing test
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials.“We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.”Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security.“We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System.Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.”Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent.Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan.At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept.Willis failed to respond to every tone.“Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section.After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready.They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left.“Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.”Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system.“This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.”Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure.“Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?”Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green.At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing.🖊️Red Friday wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed
Trump mulls leaving seamen in Iran without Plan B
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history.“We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.”He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.”Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head.“Plan B is for losers.”Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen.“The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.”Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors.“The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.”Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years.“We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’”Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces.“The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’”
Daily Mash
My demands for GTA VI, by a nerd
AS someone who’s been playing video games for more than 25 years, I’ve got some ideas about what would make GTA VI truly special. Here are my suggestions.
Realistic tyre degradation
Gamers don’t really care about things like story and characters. What they’re interested in is whether the tyres of the vehicle they’re driving are gradually – and almost imperceptibly – losing tread as they drive. It’s an important detail, and one that will also help educate younger players about the importance of regular checks.
The ability to default on a mortgage
Robbing a bank is a lot of fun, but you should also be able to arrange a 45-minute-long meeting with an account manager called Steve to discuss your options for a fixed-rate mortgage. The previous games have never quite captured the exhilarating ups and downs of home ownership and personal financial management.
Getting stuck in traffic for three hours
Not a car chase. Not a shootout. Just sitting with the engine off gradually losing the will to live as teams of emergency service workers deal with a nasty crash a few miles ahead. Some will say, ‘Just drive on the pavement and get around it, you can do whatever you want!’ What? And completely destroy my sense of immersion? No thanks.
That thing where you try to walk past a stranger in the street but you both keep going the same way
This should be motion-captured and go on for far longer than anybody expects. Both characters should apologise and do an awkward little laugh afterwards. I have already raised this in several letters to Rockstar and will continue until I receive a response.
Muscle cramp
Halfway up a fire escape mid-heist, I want my leg to buckle. No warning, no workaround, just bad luck, exactly like real life. How am I supposed to believe in a game world if there’s no chance whatsoever my hamstring will simply seize up for no reason?
Actual prison sentences
I don’t want to just cut to a shot of my character simply strolling out of the police station. I won’t even settle for a montage of their time inside. If your character commits a robbery they should go to prison for 15 years, played out in real time, with gameplay reduced to reading, showering and lifting weights.
Six harsh realities of not living with your parents that freshers will soon face
UNIVERSITY beckons for thousands of teenagers, but independence comes at a price. Here’s what you face without mum and dad as backup.
Getting out of bed
For years your failsafe alarm was your exasperated mum yelling increasingly annoyed demands for you to leave your pit. Now you discover being alone in halls and relying on your hungover self to manage timekeeping is a f**king nightmare, and you can’t ask mum to ring you every morning because she’ll just laugh. Luckily you discover a clever way to free up time for a more civilised start to the day: skip lectures for three years.
Getting about
That ‘Mum’s taxi’ sticker in the back window of her car was there for a reason. At uni there’s no such service, which is a disgrace and Burnham should do something. Instead there’s a choice of buses, cycling, walking, or what will become the most popular transport option for you: not bothering.
Feeding yourself
Home was like Hogwarts, where all the delicious food you like magically appeared. Now you’re having a bitter taste of independence. Initially you can live on takeaway deliveries but it’s a fool’s paradise and your cash will start to run out. You can mooch off the one mature girl in your block who can cook, but when she gets fed up of sharing her pasta you’ll have to make your own meals, or rather start rehydrating instant noodles. However by necessity your culinary repertoire will soon expand, so look forward to instant noodles on toast.
Washing and ironing clothes
It used to be irritating when your mum interrupted your gaming with a pile of washed and ironed clothes and fascistically asked you to put them away. They didn’t get clean and crease-free being scattered on the floor, as you’re about to find out. But don’t worry – you’ll be going home with a bag of stinking clothes and crispy bedding soon. And also don’t worry that it’s obviously just to get decent food and your laundry done. Your parents and the washing machine will be expecting you.
Cleaning yourself and your room
You’ll be packed off with cleaning products and given an explanation of how a trigger spray and cloth works, but that alone is unlikely to result in a clean bathroom. Hopefully you’ll have a bossy housemate with basic hygiene expectations in a not-all-male household, or you’ll learn that the toilet in The Young Ones was only a mild exaggeration.
Paying for things
At first you’ll be flush with cash from your maintenance loan and your parents. However three weeks later when you’ve blown the lot on alcohol and the odd textbook you’ll realise, shockingly, that budgeting, which absolutely everyone told you to do, is something you should have done. At first the bank is your friend and will extend your overdraft, but they have a tendency to suddenly stop giving you money to throw Jägerbombs down your neck and back up again. You should have known the capitalist fatcats didn’t really care about your education.
The tourist tax we’ll charge, by the mayors of England’s six shittiest regions
IF Burnham allows us to charge tourists as much as we like, you can bet we’re going to. These are the taxes we’ll impose, region by region:
Tom Wooton, Mayor of Bedford
We get very little tourism, due to there being nothing to do or see in Bedford, so a day spent here remains a perfect blank in the mind. However, millions drive up the M1 which has signs for Bedford and they’re looking at those yet contributing nothing to our town. So from now on it’s £6.70 per look, to be paid online before midnight the following day.
Ros Jones, Mayor of Doncaster
As a national joke, we’ll establish a new social media monitoring unit and every time anyone makes a disparaging reference to Doncaster it will be logged and a £40 fine levied. And when those people pass through the region our police, famous for their corruption, will detain them until the full sum is paid. If they can’t pay it they’ll just have to live here.
Andrea Jenkyns, Mayor of Greater Lincolnshire
As a Reform zealot who formerly worshipped Boris until the scales fell from my eyes and I realised Nigel was the one true messiah, I plan to redefine ‘the tourist’. Anyone who has been resident in our flat, cabbage-growing region for fewer than eight generations is now classified as a tourist and pays quintuple council tax and a mayoral enrichment surcharge.
Zoe Garbett, Mayor of Hackney
We welcome tourists here in Hackney, but a Green mayoralty cannot entertain those with incorrect attitudes on climate change, Palestine or the trans struggle. So all prospective tourists must complete an examination costing £80 and if they pass they can enjoy our attractions unhindered. Don’t miss the Clown Museum.
Andy Abrahams, Mayor of Mansfield
We welcome all tourists and will impose no extra taxes, but we’ll come down bloody hard on anyone confusing me, Andy Abrahams, former civil engineer, with Andy Abraham, former binman and Britain’s 2008 last-place Eurovision entrant. It’s just ignorant. We’re not even the same race, and it’s not f**king funny shouting ‘nul points’ at me. Two grand fine.
Bev Craig, Mayor of Greater Manchester
£300 per person if you’re on a stag do, £800 per person if you’re on a hen do. We will wipe out this scourge devastating our cities. Piss off to Prague and leave Mancunians to savour our bleakness, our rain and the backdrops to group photos by miserable indie bands who broke up decades ago. You don’t deserve them.
Woman getting silent treatment from boyfriend taking it as a win
A WOMAN whose boyfriend is sulking and refusing to speak to her is actually treating it as a lovely break from his wittering.
Following a row, Tom Booker has barely spoken to Nikki Hollis for two days, failing to anticipate that for her it would turn out to be one of the happiest times in their relationship.
Hollis said: “Tom’s in a strop about something and thinks he’s punishing me with his silence. I’d argue the punishment is not that effective, because I’m bloody loving it.
“No pathetic hint-dropping that he wants sex, no tedious work anecdotes I couldn’t give a f**k about, and best of all I have full control of the TV remote. I turned the football over to watch Corrie last night and because he’s so determined not to speak there was nothing he could do about it.
“It got me thinking, if life is so much better without his perpetual blathering, how great would it be if I didn’t have to look at him either? So I’m thinking of dumping him before the weekend then going out on the pull with the girls.”
Booker said: “To be honest, I’ve forgotten what I was in a mood about, but I’m not breaking my vow of silence. That would just be an admission I was in the wrong. About something.
“Nikki’s putting a brave face on it and smiling all the time, but I can tell she’s incredibly upset underneath. I’ll start speaking to her again on Friday so I’ll get a shag at the weekend as usual.”
How to pretend you’re getting something out of museums and galleries when you’re not
THE Bayeux Tapestry is open to the public, but in truth you’re usually bored shitless at worthy exhibitions like this. Here’s how to pretend to be interested convincingly.
Stare for an acceptable period
Stare at exhibits long after you’ve got the gist and have started feeling bored. This proves you appreciate culture and are not some working-class oik who only enjoys chips and copulating. Never mind that you really can’t see what’s so amazing about a picture of a horse.
Think about sex
Gazing at a painting is less tedious if you’re weighing up which, if any, of the subjects you’d do. It’s easy for blokes at a John William Waterhouse exhibition as he was into hot redheads and Lady Godiva is naked, but a lot harder with the Bayeux Tapestry, which only has six women and they’re really unrealistic. Who knew 1066 was so sexist?
Maintain the right facial expression
Look interested and alert at all times with no yawning, sighing or glazed eyes. It’s hard but not impossible; if you’re in a relationship and can not look suicidally bored by Love Island or Operation Barbarossa for an hour, you can manage it with Degas painting bloody ballerinas again.
Cast your mind back to the cafe
Museum and gallery cafes tend to be upmarket these days, so think about things you could eat there later – the toasted paninis looked nice, maybe followed by a slice of chocolate cheesecake? You’ll be so lost in your own world of food people will assume you’re captivated by a completely pointless painting of a Dutch woman sitting in her living room.
Read the placard enthusiastically
Show how engaged you are by eagerly reading out the explanatory placards saying things like ‘The vase depicts Heracles in the Garden of the Hesperides in the style of the Hellenistic period’. Then nod sagely and look thoughtful, instead of more truthfully saying: ‘I have no f**king idea what that means.’
Buy loads of postcards
Nothing shows your deep appreciation of art and history like buying a load of postcards and Blu-Tacking them up in your kitchen. If you’ve been to the Bayeux Tapestry they’ll be of Normans and Anglo-Saxons with weirdly elongated bodies who are too big for their horses, so they might even make the rubbish your kids draw look good for once.
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