Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle

WASHINGTON—Thrashing about in his navy blue suit as dirty water seeped into his mouth and nostrils, President Donald Trump reportedly drowned Wednesday in a two-inch puddle. Sources who wished to remain anonymous told reporters they observed Trump slip on a wet stone paver as he strode en route to Marine One and fall face-first into a the shallow standing rainwater. According to onlookers, the president seemed to lack the upper-body strength to lift himself off the ground and appeared unaware that tilting his head even a minuscule degree to either side would immediately clear his airways. Horrified witnesses instead confirmed a prone Trump gurgled away his final breaths as Secret Service agents struggled in vain to flip the morbidly obese 80-year-old onto his back. At press time, all members of the president’s Cabinet and every Republican lawmaker had reportedly received a dish filled with exactly two inches of water and were told they knew what they had to do. The Onion.

Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books

.bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain; object-position: 10% 10% !important; } @media screen and (min-width: 1080px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: cover; object-position: 75% 50% !important; } } @media screen and (min-width: 1900px) { .bestseller-marquee-bg .wp-block-cover__image-background { object-fit: contain !important; } } .bestseller-marquee { overflow: visible; } .book-cover-img { box-shadow: -530px 278px 168px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.00), -339px 178px 153px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.01), -191px 100px 129px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.05), -85px 45px 96px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.09), -21px 11px 53px 0px rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.10);' } Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books Since 1974, Stephen King has published more than 65 novels and novellas. The Onion identifies the horror master’s five best and five worst works.  Explore the list in detail Best Small Cujo The follow-up to King’s bestselling 1981 novel dares to ask the question “What if Cujo was a five-pound Chihuahua mix?” Devil Spawn King’s opus about a possessed child terrorizing his neighbors led to an infamous feud with director Chris Columbus after its film adaptation was sanitized into Home Alone. The Fingers This spine-tingling story about a man who wakes up and discovers that all 10 of his fingers have turned into middle fingers remains one of King’s most terrifying tales. I, Stephen King, Will Come To Your House And Stab You Still considered one of the most frightening books ever written, despite King only doing this to a few readers. Under The Domes What’s better than one dome? Two domes. Worst The Noise A couple is awoken by a mysterious noise outside, but both are too scared to check and see what it was, so they go back to sleep. Master Of Wetness In this novel, King introduces readers to an underwhelming new monster called the “Sponge Vampire,” an undead creature who sneaks into people’s kitchens to suck the moisture out of their wet sponges. Cheryl A friendless teen girl struggles to take revenge on her bullies when her only superpower is a tolerance to lactose. Lucifer’s Banquet A mild-mannered insurance salesman from Maine accidentally runs over a demon’s foot with his lawn mower. As punishment, the demon forces him to eat hot dogs until he dies. He dies after eating four hot dogs. The book is 900 pages long. Do You Party King’s 1982 novel was panned by critics as a thinly veiled attempt at soliciting readers to send him cocaine in the mail. The Onion.

First Fully AI-Generated Feature Film Released In China

Sci-fi thriller Sanxingdui: Future Past, the first fully AI-generated feature film to receive a theatrical release, debuted in China, though ticket sales have been abysmal. What do you think? “Eh, I’ll wait until it’s forcibly implanted in me.” Colin Cockryn, Tire Rotator “The AI-generated book was better.” Helena Rasmussen, Demolitions Historian “I know plenty of bots that can’t wait to see it.” Dale Slagg, Unemployed The Onion.

Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus 

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Refusing to inform the press or the man’s emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hiker’s death until they had learned the correct collective noun for emus. “Is it a band? A gaggle? We don’t want to look like fools when we finally let loved ones know this guy is dead,” said Chief Inspector Lee Matthews of the South Australia Police, asking his colleagues if they knew whether there was one word for just a few emus and a different term for a larger group of, in this case, 25. “A disembowelment of emus would be too ironic. Maybe it’s the same as ostriches? Shit, that one is just a flock? Is that right? We have to be sure, and I’m certain his family will appreciate a few more hours of hope. Plus, we are going to look like idiots if we just say he was ripped to bloody shreds by a fleet of emus and it’s not right. I mean, it says here a group of larks is called an exaltation. That’s the crazy stuff I’m worried about. Throng? Jubilation? Oh, wait, I found it—it looks like he was killed by a mob of emus. That’s pretty good, actually.” At press time, Matthews had further delayed contacting the hiker’s family until local authorities could determine if there was a special term for when emus feed by peeling out their prey’s entrails. The Onion.

Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy

The Onion.

Abdul El-Sayed Promises To Any Jews Who Vote for Him That He'll Kill Them Last

LANSING, MI — Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed sought to reassure nervous Jewish citizens that if they vote for him, he will kill them last.

Doctor's Office Sends Helpful Appointment Reminder Via Email, Phone, Text, Certified Letter, Telegram, Carrier Pigeon, And Smoke Signal

ARVADA, CO — The local dentist office of Doctor Carl M. Higgins continued the practice of sending his patients an appointment reminder email, phone call, text, certified letter, telegram, carrier pigeon, and smoke signal.

Dog, Toddler Team Up To Make Sure You Are Doing Okay On The Toilet

U.S. — According to reports, toddlers and dogs across the nation have teamed up to make sure you are doing okay on the toilet.

Democrats Announce Counteroffer Of $1,000,001 To Not Report Voter Fraud

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After President Trump announced a million-dollar reward for anyone who reported voter fraud, Democrats unveiled a counteroffer of one million and one dollars to not report voter fraud.

Ilhan Omar Calls Obama To See If He Still Has The Number For That Birth Certificate Guy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congresswoman Ilhan Omar reportedly held a lengthy phone call with former President Barack Obama on Tuesday, during which she inquired whether or not he still had the number for that birth certificate guy.

Pathetic: FBI Director Kash Patel Is Trying To Play Off The Human Centipede He Was Surgically Added To As A Halloween Costume 

Between a never-ending stream of bizarre media appearances and internal complaints about his excessive drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is steadily eroding confidence in our country’s federal law enforcement. However, just when you thought he’d brought enough shame to the FBI, he does this: Kash Patel is trying to play off the human centipede he was surgically added to as a Halloween costume. It really doesn’t get more pathetic than this. How can anyone take the FBI seriously when it’s run by someone attached to a literal human centipede?! Yesterday, FBI Director Kash Patel arrived to a press conference with his mouth sewn to the anus of an unidentified woman, and his anus sewn to mouth of an unidentified man, which a spokesperson for the FBI claimed was part of Patel’s elaborate “Halloween costume.” Patel was accompanied by 12 other strangers in total, all surgically sewn together orifice-to-orifice into a human centipede, with Patel serving as the center link in the chain of nude, wailing people. Unable to answer a reporter’s question about the FBI’s unconstitutional probes of anti-ICE protestors, Patel instead scribbled “i cant wait for halloween” on a legal pad through tears, visibly suffering as the person whose anus his mouth was sewn to began to pass a heavy bowel movement into Patel.  According to sources, a number of FBI employees were caught off-guard and dismayed by Patel’s “viscerally upsetting” press appearance, expressing outrage that “the people attached to Patel’s mouth and anus were non-FBI personnel, meaning people with zero security clearance are now privy to sensitive information concerning active investigations.” “It’s beyond unprofessional for the acting FBI Director to wear a Halloween costume on the job, so that would be a poor excuse for conducting FBI business from the center of a human centipede even if it were true—which it clearly isn’t,” said an Executive Assistant Director at the bureau, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “To wind up in a human centipede and then blatantly lie about it just to save face speaks volumes about Kash Patel’s character. In my 20 years at the bureau, I’ve never seen leadership undermine itself in such reckless, demoralizing fashion.” Just pitiful. Mr. Patel has single-handedly turned the FBI into a national laughingstock.  President Trump needs to replace Kash Patel ASAP if he cares about the FBI maintaining a shred of integrity––that is, if this distraction hasn’t destroyed it entirely. Showing up to work naked, weeping, and sewn ass-to-mouth with a dozen strangers would get you fired from most other jobs, but apparently not in the Trump administration. America is so screwed, isn’t it? Ugh.

A Total Toss-Up: It’s Impossible To Tell Whether Everyone In This Small Town Bar Is Dressed For Halloween Or That’s Just What People Look Like There

Folks, we can’t make heads or tails of this. There’s an absolute headscratcher of a situation going on with this upstate New York dive: It’s impossible to tell whether everyone in this small town bar is dressed for Halloween, or that’s just what people look like there. Either these people are in Halloween costumes, or they look that way all the time, and both answers have an equal likelihood of being true. This is a true coin flip.  With outfits and demeanors ranging from eccentric to downright frightening, no one could be faulted for assuming that the clientele of Knoxie’s Pub in Lafayette, NY went all out for Halloween, or that the area simply fosters a socioeconomic class of people who always look like that. From the three greasy, cackling men in flannels who could easily be doing a three-person group costume referencing Deliverance, to the nurse with conspicuous cleavage and too much makeup flirting with an eye-patched man in a fisherman’s slicker, it’s a total toss-up whether these people came straight from work or Party City. To the naked eye, every bargoer in Knoxie’s Pub exists in the razor-thin margin between real-life archetypes and Halloween costume stereotypes. There are only two places where you’ll see genuine hippies in Baja hoodies and dreadlocks drinking alongside bandana-wearing, mustached bikers: a Halloween party, or an upstate New York dive bar. Knoxie’s Pub seems to be a genuine liminal space separating the two, because there is no telling if this is what the regulars look like on any given day, or just on October 31st.  There’s literally an old man with yellow-y skin and a bolo tie–who, if he isn’t dressed as Grandpa Simpson, needs to go to a hospital, because he’s clearly dying of liver disease or something–getting ejected by a bouncer wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin-style jeans and leather vest. It is a complete enigma. Halloween, and just any other night at this pub…what’s the difference? Your guess is as good as ours. Until someone goes into this bar and asks, the question of whether these people love Halloween or their natural appearance just serves as Halloween costume inspo will remain a complete mystery. Festive or not, cheers to the people of Knoxie’s Pub for looking like that, whatever the reason may be!

Abuse Of Power: An Investigation Found That Zohran Mamdani Has Been Quietly Using NYC Street Sweepers To Clean His Personal Home

NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist views may be polarizing, but not even his biggest critics can point to corruption as a concern about his first term in office—at least, not yet. Unfortunately, a new scandal threatens to derail all the goodwill he’s accumulated so far: An investigation has found that Mayor Mamdani has been quietly using NYC street sweepers to clean his personal home. What a horrible look for Mayor Mamdani. The bar for politicians was in hell, and it just got a little lower. Ugh. According to a New York Post investigation published today, Mayor Zohran Mamdani allegedly made backdoor deals with the Department Of Sanitation to have city-owned street sweepers clean his personal residence at Gracie Mansion. The report found that soon after taking office in January 2026, Mamdani privately redirected weekly street sweeper routes to collect litter from his bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathrooms – personal spaces where the mayor is not subject to the same alternate side parking rules and enforcement that New Yorkers are on all other public street cleaning routes. Sources say say the mayor’s first course of action upon moving into Gracie Mansion was to construct a “private, street sweeper-sized entrance” on the back of the home, and “renovate all staircases into street sweeper-accommodating ramps” that would allow the street cleaning vehicles to sweep the entire house and return to the street with discretion.  When asked for comment, Mayor Mamdani agreed to a phone call with New York Post reporters after returning home from City Hall for the night, but his response to the allegations was “completely inaudible over the deafening clamor of street sweepers.”  Just unbelievably disappointing. Turns out Zohran Mamdani is no less crooked than Eric Adams.  It’s no wonder Mamdani gets along with President Trump so well, since they both can’t help but abuse the power Americans entrusted to them. We truly never fathomed that Mayor Mamdani would stoop to using a taxpayer-funded street sweeper for personal cleaning purposes, but here we are. Sigh. New York deserves so much better.

Bold New Angle: Patagonia Is Advertising Their New Line Of Raincoats By Saying They ‘Repel 100 Percent Of Cumshots’

Though the outerwear brand Patagonia is known for its eco-friendly messaging, it seems like they’re ready to shake things up, because they’re now advertising their new line of raincoats by saying they repel 100 percent of cumshots. Goodbye greenwashing… hello cumwashing! Hitting stores this week, the Patagonia Ultralight Cumshell Jacket builds upon the brand’s three-layer rain shell base by adding a cum-repellent latex panel designed to keep the wearer safe during jizz-heavy activities. With an adjustable hood that even includes a roll-down visor, wearers can feel great knowing that they’ll truly stay dry no matter how many people (or animals!) are cumming on them all day. Well, this is definitely a bold way to market a rain coat! While it remains unclear whether or not the brand thinks this is a sex jacket or just an outdoorsy clothing item that happen to be more cum-focused, you have to think a jacket like this will find its audience on its own. As of publication, this is the only cum-preventative jacket on the market.  Your move, The North Face!

Remaining Defiant: Jerry Seinfeld Has Announced That In Response To Criticism Of His Support For Israel, He Will Be Dating Another 17-Year-Old

A recent incident where Jerry Seinfeld responded to hecklers accusing him of supporting genocide by saying, “I am a racist, it’s a genocide, I’m into it,” showed that the comedian isn’t ashamed to defend his pro-Israel stance. But now the beloved comedian is proving more than ever that he’s not backing down: Jerry Seinfeld has announced that in response to criticism of his support for Israel, he will be dating another 17-year-old.  Damn! Looks like Israel got a new attack dog, and his name is Jerry Seinfeld.  During an interview on SiriusXM’s ‘We Got Company,’ Seinfeld doubled down on his defense of Israel, stating, “They say I can’t support Israel. They heckle my performances. They slander me online. But I won’t apologize. In fact, thanks to the constant harassment these people put me through, I will be dating another 17-year-old.” “I’ve had enough! I thought about doing ‘Unfrosted 2’ to get back at these jerks, but I wanted to go even further,” he continued. “So I will be prowling parks near high schools in search of a new underage girlfriend. I don’t care what my haters think. I don’t care what my wife thinks. And I don’t care what the 17-year-old thinks. We’re going to be in love, and she is going to be 17 and very busty for her age. You thought the age gap was bad when I was 39? Just wait until I have a 17-year-old girlfriend NOW. I’m going to be proud as ever to support Israel and have a 17-year-old girlfriend. Because calling me a racist comes with consequences. And those consequences are 17 years old.” Whoa! No matter where you stand on the Israel issue/72-year-olds dating children, you’ve gotta admire Seinfeld’s conviction here.  Looks like when you mess with Jerry, you get the horns. If you’re an anti-Israel activist, you may want to think twice before the next time you heckle Seinfeld.

Army FRG unveils haunted house featuring spouses saying ‘I’m fine’

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The 82nd Airborne Division's Soldier and Family Readiness Group has unveiled a new Halloween haunted house featuring some of the most terrifying scenarios in military life, including missed anniversaries, mandatory volunteer opportunities and spouses quietly insisting that everything is fine."We wanted something that would genuinely frighten our soldiers," said event organizer Amanda Collins. "After reviewing the usual haunted house stuff — ghosts, zombies, chainsaws — we realized none of that compares to coming home and hearing your wife say, 'We need to talk.'"The attraction begins in a dimly lit living room decorated for Christmas. A soldier enters to find an undecorated tree, unopened presents and a spouse sitting silently on the couch.How was your day?" the soldier asks."Fine," the spouse replies.When the soldier asks whether something is wrong, the spouse responds, "Nothing."Visitors are then required to identify what they did wrong before being permitted to leave. So far, no participant has successfully completed the room.The next attraction, the Mandatory Fun Maze, features an enthusiastic FRG volunteer armed with a clipboard and a list of upcoming family events."We'd love your help with the bake sale," she tells visitors.Soldiers who decline are informed that participation is completely voluntary and asked why they don't care about supporting the unit.Those who agree are immediately assigned three dozen cupcakes, two car washes, and responsibility for organizing the commander's holiday party.Several soldiers reportedly remain trapped inside.The Permanent Change of Station Labyrinth features hundreds of moving boxes, missing household goods and a spouse sitting in an empty kitchen."Did you remember to schedule the movers?" she asks.When visitors respond that transportation said everything was taken care of, she smiles."That's fine."The room then goes completely dark.

Hasan execution venue double-booked with Comic-Con

FORT HOOD, Texas — Army officials preparing for the December execution of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan have discovered that the venue was also booked for a local comic book convention, raising concerns that the military's first execution in 65 years may have to share space with several hundred costumed enthusiasts.The scheduling conflict emerged during an advance site survey, when soldiers found the Lone Star Conference Center already reserved for a Comic-Con-style convention featuring celebrity autographs, collectible merchandise and a competitive cosplay contest."We've got a serious problem," said one installation official. "Both events have paid their deposits, and neither one wants to move."Junior soldiers assigned to support the execution initially expressed little enthusiasm for the mission."Watching some old guy get shot for something that happened before I was born? Pretty cringe," said one private. "But watching it happen surrounded by stormtroopers and Spider-Man? That's actually kind of sick."Others remained critical of the venue."It's a horrible thing what he did, but this is Fort Hood," said one soldier dressed as Howard the Duck. "Between first sergeants murdering their wives, barracks gangs, and bodies turning up behind range control, do we really need to kill another person here on purpose? Can't we move this somewhere nicer, like Lackland?"Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly rejected proposals to relocate the execution, saying the Army had already invested considerable resources in planning the event."We've got security, transportation, rehearsals, a seating chart and a commemorative challenge coin," Hegseth said. "We're not throwing that away because a bunch of nerds want to dress like fictional soldiers."The convention organizers were equally unwilling to compromise.

Trump announces sale of Patriot missiles to Russia

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced this week that he had secured a "blockbuster deal" to sell Patriot missile systems to Russia, calling the agreement a historic victory for American manufacturing and international peace."This is a great day for America and for Russia," Trump said. "We're selling them beautiful American missiles. The best missiles. And they're going to use them to defend themselves against Ukraine, which, frankly, has been attacking Russia for a very long time."The deal comes amid ongoing negotiations to sell stealth fighter jets to China and follows a separate agreement to provide North Korea with artillery targeting information on South Korean positions.RTX officials praised the agreement, noting that selling missile-defense systems to both sides of an armed conflict could establish a sustainable long-term business model."Historically, we've had to depend on one side running out of weapons," one company executive said. "Now we can sell one country missiles, sell the other country interceptors, and repeat indefinitely."A White House fact sheet explained that existing restrictions would be waived to permit billions of dollars in American-made air-defense weapons to be sold to Moscow.Deliveries will be expedited ahead of previously scheduled shipments to NATO allies, including Poland, whose military has complained about delays in receiving Patriot interceptors."Poland already has Patriots," Trump said. "Very greedy people. Russia doesn't have any American Patriots. Very unfair."Pentagon officials confirmed that Ukrainian requests for additional Patriot interceptors would be reviewed after Russia's deliveries were completed. Officials also said Ukraine would be charged an additional 35% tariff on any American weapons used to destroy American weapons recently sold to Russia."These are defensive weapons," one official explained. "If Ukraine stops attacking Russia, Russia won't need as many of them. It's a pretty straightforward path to peace."Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy expressed confusion over the arrangement, asking why American weapons intended to defend Ukraine were instead being sold to the country invading it.Trump dismissed the complaint."Zelenskyy is always asking for missiles. Never says thank you. Very bad for Ukraine," Trump said. "Putin is actually buying them. You tell me who's the better customer."At a joint press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin thanked Trump for recognizing Russia's legitimate security concerns."These systems will help protect Russian territory from continued Ukrainian aggression," Putin said.Asked whether that included Ukrainian territory currently occupied by Russian forces, Putin said the missiles would defend "all Russian territory, including territory that is not Russian yet."

Hegseth consults God via dumpster fire behind Pentagon

PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this week that God had spoken directly to him through what he referred to as “a burning repository of divine origin.”The repository was later revealed to be a four-cubic-yard, 2,000-pound Wastequip dumpster located behind the Pentagon, with Hegseth explaining, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”“The Holy Trinity told me I had to work harder to keep my promises,” Hegseth said. “I don’t see this as a warning from the Lord. No, really, it’s vindication that I’m on a holy path.”During a two-hour press conference, Hegseth explained his understanding of his promise to the Almighty. He believed God wanted him to focus on restoring America as a Christian nation, destroying God’s enemies with righteous divine justice, and remove shrimp, lobster, and crab from all dining facilities.“With God on our side, we now know there’s no negotiating with Iran, Cuba and, maybe, even though we announced a deal, Greenland again,” Hegseth said.Moments later, he pulled out a Bible and read a verse.“2 Chronicles 32:7: ‘Be strong and courageous, be not afraid nor dismayed …’” Hegseth said.He paused and smelled his suit.“‘And when thy Lord appears unto thee as a four-yard commercial dumpster, breatheth shallowly through thy mouth, weareth a mask with appropriate particulate filtration and always stay upwind.’”

US to livestream execution of Ukraine

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration said it would livestream the execution of Ukraine, replacing a planned broadcast of convicted Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan's death with what officials are calling the largest pay-per-view event in American military history.Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the decision came after President Donald Trump canceled plans to televise Hasan’s execution following widespread criticism that broadcasting a man’s death would be barbaric.“We heard the concerns of the American people,” Hegseth said. “Some people were uncomfortable watching a defenseless man get shot. So we’re going to show them 40 million defenseless people getting shot instead.”The broadcast, tentatively titled UKRAINE: THE FINAL BETRAYAL, will feature live satellite feeds, commentary from administration officials, and a halftime performance by Kid Rock.“Nobody does executions like us,” Trump told reporters. “Nobody. We’re talking about an entire country. Beautiful country. Very big. And we’re going to do it live. The ratings will be unbelievable.”Trump said the event would begin with a ceremonial lifting of sanctions on Russia, followed by a military demonstration in which Elon Musk personally toggles Ukraine’s Starlink service on and off while Russian drones approach their targets.“Elon has a button. Very powerful button," Trump said. "He can turn the internet off for an entire army. And the best part is, we don’t even have to fire a shot.”Musk confirmed he would participate, saying Ukraine should be grateful he allowed it to have internet in the first place.

Enjoy ten minutes of heating on me, smiles Healey

We ask you: What would you have put in the budget that would have been miles better?

CHANCELLOR John Healey has delighted the nation by removing import tax from garlic. But how would you, someone with no financial education, improve the budget? Wayne Hayes, mechanic: “I can’t top it. That maverick Healey has only gone and given the people what they’ve always wanted by scrapping standing gas charges. I’m crying happy tears.” Nikki Hollis, marketing executive: “Five grand bunged to every adult, like what Trump’s planning to do to win votes, wouldn’t go amiss. Have you seen the price of f**king diesel?” Tom Booker, locksmith: “Some illustrations to liven up all those boring pages full of numbers. Everyone loves a fun picture of Paddington eating a marmalade sandwich.” Mary Fisher, fitness instructor: “A cost breakdown of last night’s drinks with the girls. There’s no way two Blue Lagoons should have cost me £50.” Ryan Whittaker, warehouse worker: “A commitment to abolishing capitalism. We’ve given it a fair crack but it clearly isn’t working. Oh, and a promise to make crisps free by 2027.”

Woman going as sex positive nurse for Halloween, actually

A WOMAN has stressed that the nurse outfit she is wearing for Halloween is sex positive, not slutty. Eleanor Shaw is tired of explaining to her friends that the low-cut PVC outfit with fishnet stockings she is planning to wear to a Halloween party is a sex positive nurse, and not something more provocative. She said: “Just because I look like every teenage boy’s wank fantasy doesn’t mean I’m putting it around. Not that there’d be anything wrong if I were. “My character has a rich interior life and progressive attitudes when it comes to sex. If she fancies getting dolled up in a spicy version of her work scrubs, who’s to stop her? Plus it gives me an excuse to wear my new heels. “It’s not my fault you’ve been conditioned to see me as an object by the male gaze. Blame thousands of years of patriarchal brainwashing, which is way more creepy than zombies and vampires. I’m already thinking of dressing up as it next year. “Besides, a slutty nurse would be inappropriate. Halloween’s all about scaring people rather than turning them on. Not to kink shame, but you wouldn’t dress as Freddy Krueger on Valentine’s Day.” Incel Martin Bishop said: “A confident woman who’s taking control of her own sexuality? There’s nothing I find more terrifying than that.”

The Northern Lights and other wonders of the natural world you can see on your phone

THANKS to Google, once-in-a-lifetime spectacles can be seen from the comfort of your phone at any time. Including these. The Northern Lights You could go to Norway, freeze your bollocks off, and pay £14 for a hot chocolate in the hope of seeing a natural phenomenon that often occurs in less-glamorous Scotland. But there’s no guarantee of seeing the Lights, as they don’t give a toss what you paid. Do you know where they’re certain to appear? At the click of a button on your phone in high-definition, if you can be bothered to close YouTube. The pyramids Googling the pyramids offers multiple advantages, such as not having to endure punishing Egyptian heat or a camel ride that causes permanent testicular damage. These ancient tombs have survived millennia of wars, invasions and desert storms, only to be reduced to content you swipe past while watching videos of a cat falling off a sofa and a woman explaining her skincare routine. The Taj Mahal A breathtaking monument to eternal love, built by an emperor for his favourite wife. Not to be confused with the local curry house where you took your ex on a Tuesday because it was two-for-one poppadoms. If in doubt, the one that ranks higher on an image search is the one you’re after. The Grand Canyon A vast geological wonder that developed over millions of years. Best viewed on a phone, where you can appreciate its immense scale by rotating your device from portrait to landscape. Then you can look at a picture of a dog. Or some breasts. The depraved miracle of the internet truly is another wonder in itself. Petra An ancient city carved into rose-red rock in Jordan. Spectacular architecture, extraordinary history, and absolutely no need to negotiate with a taxi driver when viewed on the same device you wank over. You can even post screenshots to social media if you want to trick friends into thinking you’ve visited in person. Machu Picchu The lost city of the Incas, perched high in the Andes. Traditionally reached by a gruelling hike, it can now be visited from the sofa, where the only altitude sickness comes from standing up too quickly after three hours of scrolling. Saves you bumping into tedious gap year types taking selfies for dating apps as well.

Londoner could maybe have affair in six months

A MAN living and working in London could maybe squeeze in an extramarital tryst around six months from now. Due to his stressful job, family commitments and long hours commuting, Bromley resident Martin Bishop can only pencil in some time to be unfaithful half a year in the future. He said: “I work until six during the week, so I’m too tired for an extra-curricular shag after dinner. Then at the weekend I’m busy with my family and life admin. It’s like God actively doesn’t want me to cheat on the missus. “It’s yet another downside of living in the capital. All my mates based out in the sticks are constantly boning people who aren’t their wives. I have a friend who lives near Bath who has two mistresses, for Christ’s sake. “Meanwhile I can’t even get a shag in the supply closet because by the time I’ve got back from Pret my lunch break is basically over. Sadiq Khan’s to blame, somehow. “If any women are interested in an illicit rendezvous, I currently have 15 minutes free in February after my root canal and before dropping the youngest off to soft play. That’s enough time for two goes.” Nikki Hollis from Shoreditch said: “I’ve only got capacity for a two-minute handjob in the dentist’s waiting room. Take it or leave it.”

Donald Trump just openly mocked Magas who can’t afford to buy a burger at Mar-a-Lago and his followers simply lapped it up

The President just accidentally leaked how much a cheeseburger costs at his personal playground for the rich and infamous and it’s no wonder Donald Trump thinks affordability is a made up word. During a midterm campaign stop in Corpus Christi, Texas, the President, who prides himself on being anti-establishment and anti-elite, was meandering off onto […] The Poke.

Somebody asked emergency responders about ‘the most common dangerous decision people make’ – 21 especially dumb life choices to avoid

People who work for the emergency services are not only among the best of us, but also uniquely placed to identify the ways in which the general public can be utterly stupid. Over on the AskReddit page, user popemudkip had the bright idea of asking them en masse a very sensible question: ‘Emergency responders of […] The Poke.

An American asked if Brits put the kettle on every time someone knocks on the front door – 22 intensely British responses

Say what you like about the British – and it would be reasonable to do so – there’s one thing we are good at, and that’s making anyone who visits our home a nice cup of tea. Over on the AskUK subreddit, user pgh9fan asked the following question: ‘Yank here. I watch a lot of […] The Poke.

Jay Rayner’s ultimate takedown of this especially unfortunate scammer was a proper hall of famer

We’ve featured no end of scammers on these pages being given precisely the treatment they deserved, but they don’t come much better than this. It’s a comeback shared by all-round top food foody, restaurant critic and TV presenter Jay Rayner shared a little bit back in the day. We’re getting the sense – as will […] The Poke.

These MAGAs were asked to define socialism and communism and there’s not enough facepalm in the world for what came next

In a desperate move to shore up his support, Donald Trump says he would offer every adult American a $5,000 (£3,700) payout if Republicans win both chambers of Congress in November’s midterm elections. Putting aside the accusations that this sounds very much like bribery, such a huge government handout could be perceived as being a […] The Poke.