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PARIS—Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly brought to tears Friday by a cartoon of a robot holding a flower. “Technology has made us into zombies, and yet here is a robot showing us the truth,” said 43-year-old Clémence Lefèvre, echoing the sentiment of the entire French populace, whose economy ground to a halt as millions of police officers, nannies, mimes, pastry chefs, priests, and rebellious beatniks alike abruptly stopped their affairs to march down the Champs-Élysées and raise their voices as one to thank the robot. “This work is, how do you say…transcendent. It expresses an emotion beyond love and despair, for it is a reflection of love and despair itself. It is subversive like the art of Marcel Duchamp, and yet universal, speaking to all who suffer from ennui and an addiction to their phone. This is better than any work in that bourgeois temple of uninspired slop, the Louvre. Mon Dieu, what have we done to Mother Earth?” At press time, an elderly farmer in a horse-drawn wagon was reported to have rolled up to the cartoon, wordlessly placed his hand on the robot’s heart, and collapsed into a peaceful death.
The post Entire French Populace Moved To Tears By Cartoon Of Robot Holding Flower appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Checking to see if the prestigious award was real by placing the medal on the glass turntable and hitting the potato button, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly microwaved the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. “Look, look, I think it’s starting to melt!” said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who pressed his face against the door of the appliance to watch the gold medal slowly rotate as his younger brother begged for his turn to watch. “Bye, bye Abraham Lincoln! We’re going to turn you into slime, and then the Hotel Prize in Appliance [sic] will be ours. Wait, what’s happening?” At press time, sources reported the sobbing Trump boys were telling their father they had no idea how the Nobel Prize got into the fiery microwave.
The post Trump Boys Put Nobel Peace Prize In Microwave appeared first on The Onion.
LOS ANGELES—Saying they wished she would just be honest with them, friends of multiplatinum recording artist Katy Perry expressed skepticism this week about her alleged powerful boyfriend who lives in Canada. “Katy keeps going on and on about this new guy, but every time one of us asks when we’ll get to meet him, she just says he’s a really important person in Canada,” said friend Emily Curry, who noted that she first became suspicious after she asked Perry to see a photo of her new beau and was shown a picture that looked suspiciously like it had been pulled from Google images. “I called her last week, and she tried telling me the connection was bad because she and her boyfriend were out on a yacht. Sure, Katy. I don’t know why she feels the need to lie. This is just like when she came back from vacation and told us she had been singing in outer space.” Curry added that the alleged Canadian boyfriend was almost as far-fetched as Perry’s so-called “movie star” ex, who supposedly lives in England.
The post Katy Perry’s Friends Skeptical Of Alleged Powerful Boyfriend Who Lives In Canada appeared first on The Onion.
Rapper A$AP Rocky has released Don’t Be Dumb, his first album in eight years. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.
Genre: Brand collaboration
Famous Relatives: Rihanna’s kids
Biggest Career Risk: Nodding off during Smurfs premiere
Citations From Massachusetts Department Of Fish And Game: Three
Personal Style: Businessman who sprinted through a silk scarf store
Favorite Thing To Do On Phone: Press “1” to confirm Rihanna’s ob-gyn appointment
Recurring Nightmare: Looking down and realizing he showed up to the Met Gala completely naked
Review Of Sweden: Good food, weird locals, three stars
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TAIPEI CITY — After spending over an hour-and-a-half climbing to the top of the Taipei 101 skyscraper, Alex Honnold was left kicking himself after realizing there was an elevator just inside.
Cinephiles, get excited, because the following story is going to have you rushing back to the theaters: A24 has released the director’s cut of Marty Supreme that includes the full 13-hour scene where Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass.
So much yes!
With box office success and several Oscar nominations to its name, it’s safe to say Marty Supreme is a massive hit. But as much as audiences are loving the film and its inspiring “Dream Big” message, fans have had one major critique: why was the scene where Mr. Wonderful (Mr. Wonderful) spanks Marty’s (Timothée Chalamet) ass so short? Director Josh Safdie clearly agrees.
According to a note written by Josh Safdie for A24’s Instagram, the director explained:
“As has always been my intention, Marty Supreme is the incredible story of a wiry, tiny guy who misbehaves until he gets a good spanking. In the script, the climactic scene in which Mr. Wonderful spanks Marty’s ass red and raw was written as a proper 13-hour spanking. Although we shot the scene in full, due to pressures from producers, financiers, and theater owners, I was forced to cut the scene down to an extremely brief two minutes. This was a heartbreaking loss of verisimilitude for the film, as spankings during the 1950s took much longer than what was depicted onscreen. Fortunately, this director’s cut restores my original vision, and you can see the film as it was meant to be seen: a 15-hour epic exploring the American Dream of getting spanked by a guy from reality TV.”
Incredible!
Marty Supreme: The Director’s Cut will be playing exclusively at Alamo Drafthouse, featuring the film’s restored tagline, “SPANK BIG.” Comment below if you’ll be checking it out this weekend!
Sesame Street is an all-time classic children’s show, but a recent episode has some people wondering if the program went too far: Did Sesame Street cross the line when Elmo performed his original comedic character “Theresa Poverty, The World’s Most Disenfranchised Woman” to teach kids that just because something’s really funny doesn’t mean it ‘s okay to laugh at?
Yikes. While it’s definitely important to teach kids about the nuances between comedy and ridicule, this seems like it might’ve pushed the boundaries a little too much.
The episode began harmlessly with a visit to a comedy club to see a show performed by some beloved Sesame Street characters, featuring a delightful an opening set by Grover that mused on how frustrating it is when you see that someone is typing a text to you but then they never send the message. But as Elmo entered the stage to the sound of Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life,” the episode took a surprisingly edgy turn. Elmo, wearing a long dark wig and tattered clothing, walked up to the mic and introduced himself in a confusing foreign accent as, “Theresa Poverty, the world’s most disenfranchised woman.”
Immediately, the audience of kids burst into laughter. By way of introduction, Elmo—or Theresa Poverty, rather—explained, “I’m a quarter Dominican, a quarter Sudanese, a quarter Afghan, a quarter autistic, and a hundred percent BROKE, BEE-YOTCH!” Elmo then started taking things out of a plastic Dollar General bag (a vessel he referred to as Theresa’s “Birkin”), identifying them as, “cigarettes bought with my food stamps,” “condoms bought with my food stamps,” and a messy, unwrapped taco that he described as “almost as messy as my own after I’m done working the corner!”
But as Elmo repeatedly chanted Theresa’s catchphrase, “Me no have money!” in a different albeit similarly confusing foreign accent to a rapturous crowd, the curtain behind Elmo opened, revealing three real-life women wearing tattered clothes similar to his comedic character’s. The audience fell into an immediate silence as Big Bird rose up from his seat and asked, “Was Theresa Poverty funny to you?” The crowd remained silent, unsure what to say. Big Bird then added, “Is Theresa Poverty still funny, knowing that three real Theresa Povertys were watching you cackle and sneer?”
As Big Bird explained, “You’re right that Theresa Poverty is very, very funny. But it’s the type of humor that you can’t laugh at publicly, because it plays on offensive, off-color tropes. So when you want to laugh at Theresa Poverty, you have to do it quietly in your head.”
The episode has sparked a spirited debate online, with criticisms calling the controversial episode “racist,” “classist,” and “a challenging piece of art that has good intentions yet fails upon premise, as Elmo’s character is simply too unfunny to prove the episode’s point.”
Seems fair enough to us! What do you think? Will you be showing this episode to your children? Sound off below!
While President Trump has always had his odd moments, the aging president’s behavior has been under even more scrutiny as rumors of dementia and Alzheimer’s treatments swirl. The latest troubling sign of his mental decline? Trump just mistook Marco Rubio for a urinal during a White House meeting.
Yikes. This is not a good sign.
During a gathering of business leaders in the White House earlier today, Trump abruptly lost his train of thought while in the middle of explaining that, “Gas is what our cars need to do their thing. No gas, they are dead in the street. Gotta have that gas…” He then stood up, wandered over to Marco Rubio, unzipped his suit pants, and began urinating on him. Marco struggled to keep a straight face as Trump covered him in urine while several of the executives present let out forced chuckles in an attempt to play it off as if they thought Mr. Trump was pissing all over Marco just to be funny.
After finishing his piss, Trump said, “That’s a nice one. Isn’t this a nice one?” while looking to the baffled CEOs in attendance for a response, then pressed down on Marco’s right ear in an attempt to flush him. When his first attempt to flush Marco yielded no result, Trump grew frustrated and pressed it several more times until Marco finally caved and made a flushing sound with his mouth. “Somebody’s gotta fix this!” Trump said to a portrait of George Washington that hung on the wall as more nervous chuckles emerged from the awkward scene.
Oof. This man is clearly experiencing some sort of major decline.
While it’s normal for the elderly to experience moments of confusion, this is the man with the nuclear codes. If he’s mistaking his Secretary of State for a urinal today, who knows what mistakes his aging brain could make tomorrow. While this time it just resulted in a urine-covered man, more serious consequences could be on the horizon. This is definitely something to keep an eye on!
Home Alone is one of the most beloved family comedies of all time, but would the 1990 classic have been the same film had the Wet Bandits taken care of Kevin right off the bat? Here are six ways Home Alone would have played out differently if the Wet Bandits had just immediately killed Kevin.
1. They wouldn’t have had to worry about traps nearly as much
One of the signature elements of Home Alone is the barrage of traps and improvised weapons that Kevin employs against the Wet Bandits as he fights them off. Had the intruders just immediately shot the young boy in the face, however, most if not all of those traps would never have existed. While killing Kevin right away would have removed some of the most fun scenes in the film, it would also have made it easier to watch for those who have a phobia of traps or simply don’t enjoy watching burglars get trapped in various ways.
2. They would have been able to rob the house much more quickly and move on to the next crime
While killing Kevin within 15 seconds of discovering him in the house (perhaps by strangulation or blunt trauma) would have removed him as the main character in the film, it would have had one pretty major benefit for the Wet Bandits: They would be able to quickly rob Kevin’s house of its valuables and move on to the next score. Honestly, with Kevin out of the way that early on in the film, viewers may have forgotten all about his murder by the time the movie ended. It could have been a completely different film!
3. A lot of the jokes would have had to come from them trying to dispose of Kevin’s body
In the version of Home Alone where the Wet Bandits don’t immediately kill Kevin, most of the film’s humorous antics come from Kevin cleverly thwarting the burglars’ robbery attempts. But if Kevin died right off the bat, the focus of the laughs would have to be moved to the Bandits’ attempts to to dissolve Kevin’s body in the bathtub with lye or dispose of it in a wood chipper. Under the expert direction of Chris Columbus this plotline could undoubtedly have been handled in a hilarious way, but it definitely would have given the film a different vibe.
4. Kevin’s parents would have felt a lot more guilty for leaving him at home alone
While in the version of the film we’re all familiar with Kevin’s parents feel terrible about leaving him home alone, it would have introduced a whole new level to their regret if they had come home after realizing their mistake to find Kevin’s decapitated body in their kitchen. The original edit juxtaposed scenes of the McCallister family frantically trying to get home with scenes of Kevin heroically fighting off the Wet Bandits, but the alternate version would instead juxtapose scenes of the McCallisters frantically trying to get home with shots of Kevin’s rotting corpse attracting flies. It’s really interesting to imagine how changing this one little detail could have changed the whole movie!
5. They might have had to kill Old Man Marley as well
In the real-life version of Home Alone, Kevin’s neighbor Old Man Marley is initially thought to be a creepy murderer, but he turns out to be a sweet lonely man who ends up saving Kevin from the Wet Bandits. In our alternate-reality version, he probably would have ended up being another corpse, perhaps stacked on top of Kevin’s body in the trunk of a stolen car that is later burned in the woods. It’s likely Kevin’s murder early in the film would change the story arc for more characters than just Kevin.
6. It would have been called something like Child’s Body or Kevin’s Death
With Kevin dead immediately following his introduction, there would have been no living character to be “Home Alone,” meaning the film would have had to be titled something completely different. Some possibilities would be Child’s Body, Kevin’s Death, Nothing To Get In The Way Of Their Crimes, or even, Home Dead. But Home Alone definitely wouldn’t make any sense. Pretty wild to think how this one minor change in the plot would have made a major difference!
Well, this is just about the most rotten luck fate could throw at a dedicated, veteran birdwatcher: This man has been birdwatching for 30 years but has only seen a chicken.
Good for him for not giving up on his beloved hobby…but dang. You have to feel for this guy.
When Roanoke, VA resident Ken Brindle, 66, first began birdwatching three decades ago, he thought he was off to a hot start after seeing a chicken the very same afternoon he bought a birdwatching journal. Devastatingly for Ken, his birdwatching career has not progressed whatsoever beyond logging that chicken, as he has not seen a single bird ever since, despite making birdwatching the basis of his entire personality and sinking thousands of dollars into high-end birding binoculars over the years. Whereas every other member of Ken’s local birding club has logged dozens, if not hundreds, of different bird species, the fact remains that while Ken has been birdwatching longer than all other members by a wide margin, his logbook is completely blank aside from the entry ‘Chicken, 1/10/1996’ on page one.
Ken has found himself on one of the worst, if not the worst, cold streaks in birding history. For 30 years, each and every time Ken thought he’d finally seen a second bird, it turned out to be a false alarm. Take his trip to Everglades National Park, one of the world’s best birdwatching locations, for example: After six hours of searching, Ken turned his binoculars on what he was initially convinced was a flamingo, but upon closer inspection turned out to be a waterlogged human corpse.
Gosh. It just doesn’t get more heartbreaking than that.
Fortunately for Ken, he just retired at the end of last year, meaning he now has more time than ever to dedicate to birding, and hopefully seeing at least one other bird than a chicken. He’ll even get to do so with his eight-year-old granddaughter Julia, who was recently inspired by her grandfather to take up birdwatching, and logged over 10 different kinds of birds just last weekend. When Julia related this news to her grandfather over the phone, Ken reportedly hung up without responding and locked himself in his room, where he remains as of this article’s publication.
What a tough break for a birder.
Our heart goes out to Ken. What should’ve been a wholesome hobby has so far resulted in half a lifetime of disappointment. Keep your fingers that Ken sees another chicken at the very least, otherwise he can chalk up the 30 years he’s devoted to birdwatching as a massive, soul-crushing failure.
DAVOS, Switzerland — President Donald Trump on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today.
The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.
“I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in shared anger at the United States.
“I’m done thinking purely of peace,” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing.
The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in distracting from the Epstein files.
"See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. Add it to the list."
In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm.
“Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate,” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor.
W.E. Linde
Duffel Blog Staff
Grumpy
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh
Duffel Blog Staff
FORT RILEY, Kan. — Fuck! You left your stupid I.D. card in your stupid computer. Experts confirm this will now cost you the rest of your day. You’ll have to walk all the way back upstairs to get the damned thing out of your office.
Oh great, there’s the XO. Don’t make eye contact. You made eye contact with him. He asks you about the Command and Staff brief and whether you have time to “just refactor” a few of the slides. You are now walking in the opposite direction of your I.D. card.
He wants the metrics displayed in a slightly different way that no one will notice, but which will almost certainly take several hours to change.
According to Outlook — which the Army forced you to install on your phone — this was the only 20 minutes you had to get lunch today, and it’s rapidly evaporating.
Not that you were terribly excited about getting a small Subway sandwich with grilled chicken. Height and weight is in a few weeks and you’re trying to drop the last few pounds because the Secretary of War has decided your personal BMI is a matter of national security.
Good gravy, now S-1 is asking you about overdue OERs. Can’t you just get a sandwich? Can’t you just get one sandwich without the United States Army falling apart?
You lie and say the OERs are “up at HQDA,” buying yourself a little time. A problem for later. You tell yourself that a lot.
The food court line won’t be that bad. You can still make it back before the training meeting. You’ll just have to drive a little faster than usual, which is fine, because consequences are theoretical.
Wait. Why is the water buffalo in the company lot? That water buffalo is supposed to be at Range 7. Why is it here? You ask Staff Sgt. Dylan Jones what’s going on.
“Sir, we never got this water buffalo certified,” he reports.
You remember, dimly, that water buffalos require certification. You ask what they’re doing for water at Range 7.
“We filled up some water cans that said non-potable on them,” Staff Sgt. Jones says. “So the Joes are good.”
Your eye starts to twitch. Staff Sgt. Jones, now apparently an expert in water buffalo certification, does not appear to know what “non-potable” means. You wish you hadn’t promised your wife you’d stop dipping. Also, it’s her birthday next week. Another problem for later.
You drive like a madman to the PX and grab cases of bottled water for Range 7. No personally owned vehicles on the range, so you’ll have to coordinate a JLTV or something. Your arms ache as you stand in line, questioning every decision you’ve ever made.
The cashier asks for your I.D. card before you can pay.
Fuck.
You left your I.D. card in your computer.
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Red Friday
Duffel Blog
Roger Wilco
WASHINGTON — The Eisenhower School of National Security and Resource Strategy announced this week that it has launched a new course for senior leaders titled Strategic Gaslighting: Shaping Reality Through Passive-Aggressive Command Presence.
The program is spearheaded by retired Lt. Gen. Duane Gamble, who first introduced himself by appearing unannounced in the middle of a staff meeting about pending logistics failures, calmly walking to the front of the room, and declaring himself the department chair. No one recalls inviting him or even seeing him enter the building, but by the time the room stopped spinning, he had assigned mandatory reading and asserted the course had always existed.
“If you don’t remember it, that’s a reflection of your lack of commitment,” Gamble said. “And possibly your unresolved trauma.” Students nodded, including several who had only shown up for free parking before watching the Nationals lose another baseball game.
Described by organizers as a full-spectrum, cross-domain, multi-agency joint offensive against perception, the course teaches future general officers how to discredit subordinates, weaponize vague policies, and manipulate reality using little more than command presence and a perfectly timed calendar invite.
During one seminar, a naval officer stood up and said, “I want the truth!” Gamble leaned forward and replied, “Your job isn’t to know or tell the truth. It’s to absorb failure like a human sandbag made of misplaced trust and ROTC delusion.”
According to Gamble, strategic gaslighting dates back to the nation’s founding. “George Washington didn’t just cross the Delaware,” he said. “He convinced freezing soldiers that marching barefoot was character-building. That’s operational art.”
The first module, ‘Weaponizing Plausible Deniability,’ opens with students writing down three things they’re proud of before burning the papers and chanting, “I never said that.” The module concludes with a peer review exercise in which students gaslight one another into believing it’s 2016 and they’re still motivated.
PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources say the decision to launch a daring predawn raid to capture Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro was tied to something the Secretary of Defense holds near and dear to his heart: height and weight standards.
“I am fucking tired of looking out across the globe and seeing fat dictators and world leaders!” Hegseth reportedly screamed during a meeting with several general officers. “It’s unbecoming. It’s unprofessional. Do presidents and prime ministers even know what a comprehensive physical fitness plan is? This is why the world is so goddamned unstable — a lack of standards!”
At 6 feet, 2 inches, the 63-year-old Maduro recently tipped the scales at 220 pounds, according to classified intelligence reporting. While the Latin American strongman is not required to meet U.S. Army standards — which cap a 74-inch male over 40 at 214 pounds — the discrepancy had become a fixation for Hegseth.
“Two hundred and twenty fucking pounds!” Hegseth reportedly shouted after reviewing CIA pattern-of-life reports and updated biometric data. “That’s not leadership. That’s a profile.”
“I haven’t seen the secretary lose it like that since he saw a Sikh chaplain in uniform," said one Pentagon staffer. “Even after learning the chaplain was in regs, he just wandered off muttering, ‘Fucking Hajji beardos…’”
Shortly after the meeting, Hegseth requested an audience with President Donald Trump and urged the commander in chief to green-light Operation Absolute Resolve immediately. Witnesses say Hegseth was later observed watching the live drone feed during the January 3, 2026 raid, smirking and repeatedly whispering, “FAFO, you fat fuck. FAFO…”
According to senior defense officials, Hegseth’s push for world leader weight standards reportedly informed his support for the pardon of former Honduran president Juan Orlando Hernández after learning the convicted narco-trafficker had dropped significant weight and improved his run times while incarcerated. The secretary has also cited Osama bin Laden’s decade-long evasion of capture in multiple briefings as proof that “low body fat equals high survivability,” a phrase several officers confirmed now appears on at least one official PowerPoint slide.
Bad Lawyer
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
Duffel Blog Staff
WASHINGTON — The Trump administration still hasn't released all of the Epstein files as required by law, and is instead exploring more kinetic ways to distract public attention from this uncomfortable fact, sources confirmed today.
“And we all know the best way to divert attention from domestic problems is to bomb people with funny-sounding names overseas,” said a senior White House official. “So we’ve put together a target list of countries with weak militaries, weird names — or both — that we can hit with our few remaining Tomahawks to make sure the Big Man’s name doesn’t pop up in compromising positions in the Epstein documents.”
Duffel Blog obtained the target list for Operation PEDO PALADIN, a contingency plan officials say has been sitting in a desk drawer labeled ‘Break Glass If Accountability Appears.’ According to sources, the president doesn’t particularly care which country gets hit first, largely because he can’t find any of them on a map anyway.
This box is already checked. Still, despite months of joint force buildup around Puerto Rico, only Delta Force and the 160th SOAR got first crack at Venezuela’s strategic reserve of big-booty Latinas. There may yet be opportunities for you to die in a war for oil protecting U.S. petroleum interests.
And to be clear, that “oil” refers to fossilized hydrocarbons — not the baby oil Epstein once recommended to Diddy as the smoothest glide he’d ever felt.
Sure, technically it belongs to Denmark. But aside from the dozens of Danish soldiers who died alongside U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, what have the Danes really done for us lately?
Stephen Miller (from that special category of American military-age males who nevertheless somehow Perpetually Evaded the GWOT, or PEG), Marco Rubio (PEG), Don Jr. (PEG), and Eric Trump (also PEG) all agree Greenland is critical to U.S. national security, and if you have to die for it, that’s a sacrifice they are fully prepared to let you make.
Be advised: Greenland, as part of Denmark, has access to the most formidable fixed and scatterable obstacles known to humankind — which, according to a redacted memo from Epstein to Trump, also double as excellent field-expedient butt plugs.
What, you think the Canucks can threaten to cut off America’s God-given right to watch porn and get away with it? Plus their refusal to pay exorbitant prices for shitty bourbon means Secretary of Defense and Also War “Whiskey” Pete Hegseth lost access to his favorite breakfast food. OPLAN Crimson’s about to get real for you beady-eyed, flapping-headed puck-munchers.
POTUS also needs to re-stock on Epstein’s recommended anal lube anyway.
Unable to load feed.
ANDY Burnham has told Labour any attempt to stem the wave of Burnhamania overwhelming the UK can only lose.
The mayor of Manchester, who loves his city so much he attempted to quit his job for a worse job, informed Keir Starmer that he cannot tame the whirlwind and the Burnham army will inevitably triumph.
He continued: “They can stop me at the NEC, for now. But look around. At the Burnham badges on jackets, the Burnham graffiti on walls, my name on lips. I’ve already won.
“In every city the youths cry my name. In the corridors of power it is only whispered, but with hope that could level mountains. Soon it will be chanted on the streets by millions. It is not for myself, but for the people that I sought to become member for Gorton and Denton.”
18-year-old Hannah Tomlinson confirmed: “Forget K-pop. All Gen Z cares about is Andy Burnham’s visionary public transport policies and plans to encourage working-class representation in the arts. And my grandparents are the same.
“When his forthcoming album Burnham Baby Burnham is number one on iTunes pre-orders, when Tom Holland’s cast as him in the biopic, when he’s sold out nine consecutive nights at Wembley, what can the NEC do?
“Burnhamania has taken Britain. A seat as a MP will follow as surely as day follows night.
“Prime minister? No, he’d make a shit prime minister.”
MEN of a certain age are clued up on the latest developments in sex and use appropriate terminology without shame. Your dad’s employed each of these:
‘Ladies of the night’
Having heard that saying ‘prostitute’ is offensive but not yet aware of ‘sex worker’, dads have rejected ‘courtesan’ and ‘harlot’ and, in a bid to touch base with new generations apparently okay with this stuff, have noted that the road down by the station attracts a lot of ‘ladies of the night’. Calling them this implies he is a ‘man of the world’.
‘The birds and the bees’
Ever since he sat you down at age nineteen and awkwardly handed you a condom, your father has made it clear that any further questions you might have about ‘the birds and the bees’, a phrase he’d like you to think he is using ironically, are ‘best tackled by your mother’.
‘Mucky magazines’
Unaware that you were aware internet porn existed, charmingly believing it was his secret, your dad was concerned about you keeping ‘dirty books’ under your bed and wisely warned you to tuck them away before your poor mum found them while cleaning and died of a breast-induced heart attack.
‘A blue movie’
After watching a terrible film, your sweet old pa notes that the acting was ‘worse than a blue movie’, then blushes furiously, because how on earth would he know? Certainly he never rented anything like that from the corner shop’s video section when rest of the family was holidaying in Tenby.
‘Marital aids’
Your father’s a modern man, and as he explained once after two beers, he had no qualms about turning to ‘marital aids’ when he and your mum’s sex life hit a rough patch. Specifically? An unbranded lubricant used in GP surgeries.
‘On the other bus’
It’s wonderful to find your father is so open-minded about sexuality when you bring home a gay friend for a family meal. Not a word of disapproval is voiced. However, following Dean’s departure, a dizzying number of phrases from ‘uphill gardener’ to ‘friend of Dorothy’ are employed, all vaguely sinister. You explain that ‘one of them’ is not okay any more.
EVEN when idiot parents deign to give their child an ordinary name they cannot get it right, for there is no spellcheck in the registry office. The bearers of these are marked for life:
Aimee
A misspelling so commonplace it’s now deemed acceptable, this like everything unacceptable began in America. Presumably the parents knew the word ‘aim’ already from time in the armed forces and/or first-person shooters, and had never got far enough into the alphabet to be familiar with the letter ‘y’. So two Es it is.
Michalle
Lends a little continental sophistication, the parents comfort themselves after realising their error. Meanwhile the child spends her life on the phone to call centres saying ‘no, it’s actually C-H-A-L-L’ to her own humiliation. She won’t ever forgive her mum and dad for what they’ve done. Nobody ever could.
Steaven
Faced with two choices, Steven or Stephen, these parents chose a third way. A wrong way. A f**k up, or a purposeful decision? What was the goal? Uniqueness? Originality? Annoying his teachers so much they refuse to say his name, giving him a free ride on all manner of developmental issues? Sometime normal people can be as abhorrent as celebrities.
Leesa
You know instantly that these parents spell ‘lose’ with two Os. So daft or lazy they’ve gone with phonetic spelling, they’ve inadvertently come up with something almost acceptably middle-class. Coupled with a double-barrelled surname will mean this child almost certainly grows up to have a credit score she doesn’t deserve.
Stefany
These parents do know the letter Y, to their child’s detriment. They’ve f**ked her over twice with first an F and then a Y, creating a name that seems more like a newly-coined adjective meaning ‘a bit like Stefan’.
Micheal
There is a silver lining here in that if you’re hanging with the uneducated, they’ll swear this is the correct spelling. To the point of laughing at and/or fighting those who dare correct it. Stick to the lower of society’s strata, this name is saying, and never dare to dream. A message which will be heeded.
A COUPLE on a weekend in Spain are feigning interest in a boring old cathedral because it is too early to start drinking.
Nathan Muir and girlfriend Emma Bradford visited Segovia in Spain for a weekend of winter sun only to find it cold and raining, so visited the cathedral because Google suggested it, it was hard to miss and it would be dry inside.
Bradford said: “Apparently it’s one of the latest works of the Gothic style. I suppose the other must be Disintegration by The Cure.
“We bought tickets and shuffled around like everyone else, pretending to be amazed like they were at what’s basically a church like we’d drive past without a glance at home. There’s loads of stained glass. It shows religious stuff.
“Everyone else acted like it was the dog’s bollocks and I suppose we’ll do the same when we get back, because otherwise it’ll seem like we went away just to drink Cruzcampo and shag. I bet I’ll even end up recommending it.
“Still it was this or the gastronomic museum. F**king shit choice.”
Muir said: “Our flight’s not until half-five tomorrow, so we’re going to the Alcázar or some shit to do the whole fake admiration thing again. Next city break we’re having will be f**king Leeds.”
THE Oscars have been announced, and by law you are required to watch a film nominated for Best Picture. Which one are you grimacing your way through?
Tom Logan, brand storyteller: “Is this a trick question? Whichever is available for no extra cost on streaming services I currently subscribe to. Obviously.”
Donna Sheridan, fly-tipper: “Like most of the world I have not even the slightest interest in Formula One, so I can’t wait to see this film version.”
James Bates, optician: “I watch a Best Picture nominee then a Best Director nominee then a Best Actor nominee. So I’m watching One Battle After Another after One Battle After Another after One Battle After Another.”
Oliver O’Connor, internet reseller: “Marty Supreme for me. The story of a hypebeast who queues every Thursday for Supreme drops before selling them online has such resonance with my life.”
Norman Steele, charabanc refurbisher: “Train Dreams. Which I assume is the big-budget arthouse remake the lurid Lovecraftian nightmare of Chuggington so richly deserved.”
It’s not disputed that Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old nurse gunned down by ICE agents in Minneapolis a the weekend, had a gun on him at the time. But not only do reports say he was permitted to carry a firearm, video analysis appeared to show that it was a mobile phone – not a gun […]
The post Trump’s FBI director Kish Patel just said Americans can’t take guns to protests and was savagely schooled to the moon and back appeared first on The Poke.
To the world – briefly – of former newspaper editor and radio owner Kelvin MacKenzie, who’s been having a moan on Twitter after he racked up not one but two speeding tickets in a 20mph zone. Just been nicked for a second time for doing more than 20mph in outer London while a mate of […]
The post James May had the funniest and most brutally on-point response after Kelvin MacKenzie complained about getting a second speeding ticket appeared first on The Poke.
The White House went wildly viral at the weekend, after posting an embarrassingly uneducated and cringeworthy meme about their colonial lust for Greenland. They were owned all the way to Antarctica, which is where penguins actually live, but that didn’t stop the sad pick-me gang at Reform UK from jumping on Trump’s coat tails with […]
The post Reform UK’s London mayoral hopeful aped the embarrassing White House penguin meme, and it was a self-own visible from Greenland appeared first on The Poke.
Absolutely shocking scenes in America, where a second US citizen has been killed by ICE agents in less than a month. This time it was 37-year-old nurse Alex Pretti in Minnesota, with truly disturbing videos of the incident all over social media. A total of 10 shots were heard ringing out after Pretti appeared to […]
The post Fox News said Alex Pretti was ‘asking for it’ and the hypocrisy was so rank even their own contributor was moved to point it out appeared first on The Poke.
When Nigel Farage dropped a video putting the global elites ‘on notice’ on the same day it emerged that he had failed to declare almost £400,000 of additional earnings on time, people’s irony meters were already dangerously near exploding. I’m here in Davos to put the global elites on notice. We will not live by […]
The post Nigel Farage’s trip to Davos to ‘put the global elites on notice’ was funded by an Iranian billionaire. Protect your irony meters! 18 utterly unsurprised responses appeared first on The Poke.
