The post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office’s March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. “Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we’d spoken since I told him ‘I think Duke’s going all the way’ this time last year,” LQR project manager Lee Zander said as he hastily filled out a bracket and venmoed $2 for “Bball” to a person named Zach Dunn, whom Zander assumed must be employed somewhere in the company. “Couldn’t tell you what he does or even what department he’s in, but my email’s on the form, so he should be able to find me if I win. I think I’d get a $50 Amazon gift card or something.” By press time, nearly every employee at the company had reportedly muted the newly created Slack channel titled “Madness ’26.”

The post Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers appeared first on The Onion.

The post Strait of Hormones appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out to do hair for a living. “For students who take a few intro-level classes, hang around campus for a while, and then quit to become a hairdresser, the University of Toledo is an ideal choice,” read an announcement that accompanied the rankings, adding that Toledo’s strong town-and-gown relationship meant that social connections forged in college could become potential clients for a former student who was working at a nearby salon when everyone else was returning to classes after winter break. “The school offers in-state tuition, a location less than three hours away from your hometown, and a choice of around 100 different majors you can tell yourself you’re interested in before leaving to take a job as a stylist, colorist, or barber instead.” The announcement also noted that after attending the University of Toledo for a few months, some hairdressers are able to cover both rent and groceries while still making an occasional payment on their student loans.

The post University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair appeared first on The Onion.

PASADENA, CA—In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. “Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going about his door-to-door rounds inseminated the mothers of nearly all babies born in the United States between 1946 and 1964,” said lead researcher Emily Lentz, observing that the unknown milkman, who is presumed to have been a highly desirable partner, had enabled an estimated 72 million pregnancies among customers who lived along the many milk routes he worked across the nation. “This handsome, broad-shouldered progenitor appears to have single-handedly caused a massive spike in the birth rate, passing along traits for thick, wavy hair, sultry bedroom eyes, and a captivating smile that women can’t resist. Our team is now working hard to locate this individual, both for further study and to introduce him to his hundreds of millions of descendants.” Lentz added that her lab was also close to proving that the current decline in birth rate was the result of an abnormally impotent batch of American mailmen.

The post Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman appeared first on The Onion.

California owes a lot to Governor Gavin Newsom. So much, in fact, that it's hard to narrow down his long list of accomplishments.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Podcaster Tucker Carlson appeared as a guest on the popular game show Wheel of Fortune this week and lost badly after guessing "Israel" for every single puzzle.

U.S. — Ahead of Opening Day next week, Major League Baseball announced a new permanent rule where umpires who get more than 3 of their calls overturned over the course of a game will be jettisoned into the sun.

TEHRAN — According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn't believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad.

LOS ANGELES, CA — California state and city officials gathered with residents on Thursday to celebrate the opening of a public trash can that cost just $400 billion and took only 18 years to install.

If you’ve always dreaded being on jury duty because you were worried your judge wouldn’t be able to easily remove your tampon for you from his bench, you’re in luck: Tampax has introduced a tampon with a string long enough for them to do just that! 

Did somebody say GAME CHANGER?!

Tampax’s new Jury Duty line solves a problem that has plagued women since they were universally allowed to sit on juries in 1973: that way-too-short string that makes it practically impossible for the judge to tug your tampon out from all the way up at the bench. Tampax’s new Jury Duty tamps come in 40-foot, 70-foot, and 130-foot string options to choose from depending on the size of your courtroom, each with plenty of slack for the judge to really wrap that puppy around their hand and give that bad boy a yank and send it on its way. 

And they aren’t just for judges either! These strings are long enough that the bailiff, the stenographer, or even the defendant can take your tampon out for you so you can continue to focus on providing a fair trial.

Yep. All it’s going to take to get your tampon removed now during jury duty is a knowing nod and a clear path between you and the judge. This is so, so nice. 

This is one of those products that, when it comes out, you’re shocked that no one thought of it before. There’s almost no reason to buy standard, run-of-the-mill tampons anymore. Sign us up for a Costco bulk box of the 130-foot string version, please!

If your friends live like pigs but are awesome to hang out with, we’ve got great news for you: Hanes has released a line of socks that are already covered in dog hair and little pieces of cereal that you can wear to your friend’s lowkey disgusting house.

Awesome! 

A true tragedy of modern life is that the people who are the most fun to chill with often live like slobs, and so, whenever you’re hanging at their place, your socks get immediately covered with all sorts of crap that barely even comes off when you wash them.  Fortunately, with Disgustings by Hanes, the company’s newest line of socks, you’ll never have to worry about ruining your clean socks ever again, because the socks will come pre-littered with strands of dog hair, gross little burnt crumbs from indecipherable foods, and little pieces of torn paper and envelopes (probably from unpaid bills).

“It’s never made any sense to us why people whose homes are full of trash insist you have to take off your shoes when you visit their house, and yet, that’s just what they do, even though it destroys your nice socks in the process,” said Hanes in a press release. “With our new Disgusting line, you’ll never have to waste time cleaning vague gunk from your tube socks, because your tube socks were already covered in gunk to begin with.”

So much yes!

Shout out to Hanes for seriously changing the game with this one. Tag your disgusting friend below to let them know you’ll be wearing these socks to their house soon!

There’s toxic masculinity, and then there’s this: 

This man’s body has a penis and testicles hanging right off of it. 

This is NOT a good look. 

Devin Reed of Cambridge, Massachusetts might as well be waving a flag that says “I’M TOXIC” on it, because he’s got a penis and testicles that are dangling right down off of his body in the place between his legs where his vagina or small patch of nothing is supposed to be. 

When he’s in public, he tries to hide them with underwear. He tries to hide them with pants. He puts a towel in his lap whenever he gets an erection. 

But none of those things can hide the truth. 

He’s got a penis, and he’s got testicles, and they are DIRECTLY attached to his body, which makes it pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with having them.

And they are ALWAYS flopping around. 

This man has a wrinkly, hairy scrotum that is FILLED with two egg-sized testicles and a penis, glans and all, draped down over them. We can only imagine what kind of SPERM, URINE, and other toxic male chemicals and waste products are inside of these awful organs. 

YUCK. 

There is simply no room for this kind of thing in today’s society. Full stop. 

But do you want to know the worst part?

There are men (and even women) out there who will applaud this. Celebrate it. Admire it. Young boys will see these penis and testicles and think, “I want those hanging off my body too.” Toxic masculinity is like a virus, and once you’ve got the bug, things like having a penis and testicles RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS become normalized. 

It’s the media. It’s our culture. It’s pornography. It’s anatomy textbooks. 

But no matter how much you’ve been conditioned, remember: This is NOT normal. 

And this is not OK.

This is amazing: PornHub has just introduced a new feature that will alert a random convenience store cashier in the US anytime you access PornHub. This is going to make the experience of using porn a lot more like it was in the 1980s, when you had to buy your porn from whoever was working behind the register at 7/11. Will this new hurdle help people fight porn addiction, or are you going to keep using PornHub just as much as before? Sound off in the comments!

WASHINGTON — The Department of War is still struggling to explain what is happening with Iran while refusing to use what officials call “the ‘W’ word,” sources confirmed today.

Rumors have circulated for days of a full-blown — ahem — “thing” between the United States and its longtime regional adversary, but department officials declined to characterize the situation any further.

“We’re seeing each other acrimoniously,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.”

The department later issued internal guidance directing staff to describe the ongoing operation as a “hostile situationship” or “foreign entanglement we sought to avoid.”

Still, a cadre of increasingly frustrated reporters pressed Hegseth to clarify whether the United States was, in fact, at war.

“It turns out the word ‘war’ comes with a lot of baggage — like congressional oversight,” Hegseth said. “So we knew we had to change the name again, because we are not fighting any wars.”

Officials said several alternatives are under consideration, including “Department of Preemptive Aggression,” “Department of Explosions,” and “Military Department.”

“We briefly liked ‘Department of Aggression’ because it tested poorly with liberals,” one official said. “Then it tested poorly with conservatives too. At that point we realized we may have painted ourselves into a corner renaming it from ‘Department of Defense,’ which, in hindsight, was actually a pretty solid name.”

The compromise option, “Liberty Department,” was reportedly rejected because “no one could say it with a straight face.”

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man who says he is “closely monitoring the rapidly evolving situation in Iran” admitted that his analysis largely consists of scrolling through videos posted by attractive Middle Eastern influencers celebrating the death of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, sources confirmed today.

“I’m just trying to stay informed,” said Kyle McDonough after watching the same dance video of smoking-hot Persian influencer and PhD student Mooné Rahimi for the 37th time while insisting he is keeping tabs on everything happening in and around Iran.

McDonough said his geopolitical interest began after a video appeared in his feed starring influencer Goldie Ghamari.

“She was explaining the historical significance of the moment,” said McDonough a former defense contractor-turned-amateur open source intelligence analyst, replaying the video again. “Also she winked and said ‘freedom for Iran,’ which I think has major implications for regional stability.”

“That wink was for me," he added.

Since then, McDonough told reporters that he's been using LiveUAMap to get real-time updates on the war and definitely not endlessly scrolling through viral thirst trap videos on Instagram Reels and TikTok.

Meanwhile, friends say McDonough has spent the past several days forwarding videos of glamorous Iranian influencers to group chats with captions such as “Important update from Tehran.” He has also expanded his research to include popular “Women of the Israel Defense Force” social media accounts.

“These accounts provide critical regional context,” McDonough explained while watching a video of Israeli OnlyFans model Gal Gool in which she claims to have personally eliminated the Iranian Supreme Leader with what she called “two Israeli missiles" on her chest.

Some Middle East experts believe Western men may be radicalized by the growing influence of online “ji-hotties,” an alliance of Instagram models and TikTokers from Iran, Israel, and the Kurdish Women’s Protection Units. Some fear the content may radicalize Western men into becoming simps and passport bros.

MAR-A-LAGO — The White House announced Monday that President Donald Trump will be awarded the Medal of Honor after becoming the only person in America to successfully locate a Chief Warrant Officer 5.

“I’m no Trump fan,” said military historian Joshua Delano, “but you must give credit where credit is due. I’ve gone through archival records and couldn’t find a single instance where an Army warrant officer has been successfully summoned to a formal ceremony. This is groundbreaking. Entire thesis papers will be written about this at the War College.”

Known as highly specialized technical experts who exist somewhere between enlisted non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers, warrant officers have long been known for their deep love of rich black coffee and a legendary ability to disappear without a trace, often not being seen or heard from for days or weeks at a time.

Warrant officers are particularly known for their natural aversion to all things ceremonial. Defense officials say they instinctively vanish when confronted with promotion ceremonies, change-of-command ceremonies, morning accountability formations, or anything related to physical training. Even more perplexing, many warrant officers appear to be in excellent physical condition despite there being no eyewitness accounts of them actually exerting themselves.

When they are present in the workplace, warrant officers are known for a skill many have likened to a Jedi mind trick — the ability to be present, perform no visible work, yet still receive accolades for their technical expertise. A senior defense official called the phenomenon “mystifying.”

MIDDLE EAST — After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index. 

“McVeigh always said it was about the 401(k) returns of the guy to your left and right,” his platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Nicholas Romero, said. “If I had known he was brave enough to live up to his words, I would have maxed out my Thrift Savings Plan years ago.”

Unfortunately for McVeigh, his unit had no internet access for over a week due to operational security concerns, and the Dow had fallen far below 50,000 days before he risked life and limb to preserve it. But even the threat of short-term portfolio losses wouldn’t temper his courage, his comrades said.

“I don’t think he would have done it any differently if he had known,” Romero said. “That’s just the kind of Marine he is. Always thinking about the markets.”

McVeigh was severely wounded by the blast but survived. Initial indications from leadership are that he likely will not receive a Purple Heart or Combat Action Ribbon because “it’s not a war, just a limited combat operation.”

“Marines don’t do it for the medals, we do it for love of the game,” Smith said. “I just wish he could have done it a few months ago before I lost a shitload of money on Oracle call options.”

At press time, the Department of Veterans Affairs had decided McVeigh would not be awarded a disability rating because the eye and three limbs he lost were determined not to be service-connected. 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has promised to sacrifice as many American soldiers as it takes to distract from the Epstein files, sources confirmed today.

In a solemn address from the Oval Office, the president honored the sacrifices of those who have died in an unnecessary and unconstitutional war with Iran he began in February while demonstrating the strength of his resolve in seeing the conflict through until people lose interest in the fact that he is mentioned thousands of times in the documents.

"We send our immense love and eternal gratitude to the families of the fallen," Trump said before dozing off momentarily. "And sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That's the way it is. There might even be a lot more. Who knows? It's really up to the people talking about Epstein. You know, this could be over very quickly, nobody else needs to die. They just need to do a good thing and stop asking for any more files.”

A TEENAGE boy has been indoctrinated by the manosphere after watching the latest Louis Theroux documentary, it has emerged.

15-year-old Jack Browne has been transformed from a lovely, wholesome boy into a misogynistic dickhead obsessed with social media ‘clout’ after watching Theroux’s new Netflix documentary.

Browne said: “I’d been sheltered from toxic influencers like Andrew Tate up until now. But the documentary my parents made me watch really expanded my horizons.

“There I was, thinking that being a scumbag would get me nowhere in life. Turns out that getting jacked and treating women badly is the key to becoming rich and successful. Thank you, Louis Theroux, for showing me the way.

“I’m going to follow the example of the men he filmed. Apparently they’re awful pigs, but they’re also loaded and surrounded by OnlyFans models. Meanwhile my dad followed society’s rules, earns f**k all and is married to a juggernaut.

“Some of the editing in the documentary was a bit weird though. It was almost like he was disapproving of their incredible lifestyle. He must just be a jealous beta cuck, that’s the only explanation.”

Browne’s mum Emma said: “I guess it could be worse. At least Jack hasn’t been inspired to become a nerdy, socially-awkward documentary filmmaker.”

GAS is rising. Diesel’s already unaffordable. The time has come for me to install a 249ft wind turbine in the garden of my new build.

Solar panels? For wimps. I might have been forced against my will to go green, but I’m not being wet and environmental about it. Besides, the sun never shines in this bloody country, apart from now but you get my point.

No, it’s a wind turbine, and if it’s going to power my gaff it’s going to have to be a f**king big one. There’s not a room without at least a 55-inch telly and we don’t turn them off.

Plus there’s three Range Rover Evoques – mine, the wife’s and the one for our 14-year-old to grow into – which are all going to have to go electric. They’ll be a serious drain, especially as we plan to leave them idling 24/7 once it’s free.

The garden’s not large, as I say it’s a new build, but we should be able to squeeze it in between the summerhouse, the decking, the hot tub and the brick pizza oven. Most of it’s height after all.

And as luck would have it I know a few of the lads who’ve been installing them and they’ll do it for mates’ rates. Can’t get me one that’s fallen off the back of a lorry though. Broken Britain.

Should be up by summer and I’ve told the neighbours they can piss off. You don’t need planning permission if it’s green, do you? And the blades are only 144 feet so they’ll easily clear the roofs.

Bollocks to Iran, Qatar and the whole Middle East. They’ve had enough of my money. I’m going self-sufficient in a big way. And if local kids shin up it trying to scrump my amperage I’ll be out here with a bloody cricket bat.

CELEBRITIES at an Oscars party have complained about the excessively bright lighting making them look bad. Quite right – photos always present a falsely unattractive image of you. Here’s why.

Photos distort your face’s natural thinness

Does your face look fatter and wider than you expected in a photo? This is just a quirk of perspective, and when you’re photographed from a higher angle your face reveals its true, slender nature. Try it, and always make sure you’re sitting down when you’re talking to someone you’re hoping to shag.

Fluorescent light temporarily causes wrinkles 

Harsh fluorescent lighting is full of toxic photons, and when these hit your skin it instantly contracts to stop them getting inside you, temporarily causing ‘wrinkles’ you don’t really have. All those broken blood vessels and old acne scars aren’t really there too.

You’re often bigger due to food

If you appear to be quite overweight in a photo but you know you can’t be that porky, it’s because you’re full of food, stupid! You may think the photo wasn’t taken just after a meal, but digestion isn’t an exact science. Your enzymes might be taking longer over that extra-large doner and chips you ate days ago because it’s so tasty. A good big shit and you’ll look exactly like Dua Lipa again.

Your attractiveness physically alters with the light level

Not many people realise our body undergoes big physical changes depending on the light. In bright light the atoms in your face rearrange themselves to be less appealing and your stomach gets much larger, which is an evolutionary trait to deter predators. If you don’t believe you’re actually changing shape, look at yourself in a mirror in a dimly-lit room. See? You’re surprisingly fit.

Flash photography does not exist in nature

Pictures taken with a camera flash can make you look erroneously greasy and fat-faced. But there is no known species of animal or plant that has a smartphone LED flash anywhere in its body. Therefore photos taken with a flash are totally unnatural and can be ignored.

Photos don’t have a mirror effect 

Mirrors are a more accurate image of yourself than a photo. Some people might say it’s the other way round, but if you weigh up the empirical evidence what are you going to trust? A few snaps hastily taken on holiday or at a party, or the literally thousands of times you’ve looked in a mirror? You know what you look like, so Lucy’s photos from your night out can f**k off.

A FIRST date has inexplicably escalated from stilted small talk to the height of physical intimacy, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry has somehow woken up naked in Jack Browne’s bed despite the fact that their preceding date was devoid of any physical attraction or the elusive spark she has been holding out for.

She said: “There was zero chemistry and Jack ‘let me’ pick up the bill, yet here I am. Make it make sense.

“We went through the motions of talking about our jobs and our siblings while pointedly keeping an eye on the time. Fast forward a couple of hours though and he’s doing me from behind while I’m screaming his name. Did I forget a scene in between where he seduced me?

“Maybe he was playing a clever mind game on me. By never asking me a question about my life and droning on about his crazy exes, perhaps he was subliminally making me aroused. Sounds nuts but it clearly worked.

“Or it could be because I’ve been in a three-year long dry spell and I’d gone to the effort of shaving my legs. Hard to tell, really.”

Browne said: “There’s no need to overanalyse it. My mediocre looks and poor social skills just drive women wild.”

WONDERING how your energy bill became 80 per cent of your disposable income? This is how the charges are calculated, item-by-item: 

£1,850 Israel Violently Lashed Out surcharge

No, you didn’t enter your meter readings incorrectly. Worried Trump was going soft, Israel decided to strike the South Pars energy field in Iran and gas leapt by 35 per cent. Iran retaliated, Trump sent an angry message, and now you’ll be spending the winter leaping on the sexy new trend of triple-slanketing.

£220 Suppressing Renewable Energy levy

Lobbying to make sure that clean, renewable energy remains unviable isn’t cheap. There are white papers to be discredited, Reform donations to be made and ridiculous rumours to spread about offshore windfarms. Your reasonable contribution is needed by gas companies now more than ever with the Green Menace on the rise.

£65 Smart Meter running cost

It costs energy companies a lot of money to install a snazzy little box that perpetually tots up your bill. And seeing as it whirrs away day and night, the numbers on its sinister digital display spiralling ever upwards, that’s guzzling up power. No, you can’t opt out of having one.

£120 Supplier’s Hedge fee

Despite all this, gas and oil producing countries are worried for their futures, given their only other assets are deserts. Therefore they need to hedge against sales falling whether because of solar power or a massive fall in the global population. Your money goes direct to buying football teams and holding Saudi Arabian comedy festivals.

£200 tip

You tip waitresses, so why not provide hard-working suppliers of energy with a small gratuity? After all, they’ve gone to the trouble of piping in gas from despotic nations and hastening climate change so it’s well-deserved. With this extra they can buy themselves a little treat.

Here’s an eye-opening exchange which isn’t exactly overburdened with context, a gym bro whose approach to these women – it’s fair to say – didn’t get entirely the positive reaction he was hoping for. And his stream of consciousness (to put it mildly) that follows is a proper jaw-dropper. second hand embarrassment pic.twitter.com/4ZI79SI5KY — juju […]

The post This gym bro didn’t take kindly to being rejected on the beach and his jaw-dropper of a reaction is a proper hall of famer appeared first on The Poke.

Former Brighton MP Caroline Lucas represented the Green Party on BBC’s Question Time show in Croydon on Thursday night, and she came to chew gum and kick ass, but she was all out of gum. Despite the best efforts of Fiona Bruce, she wasn’t taking any spin from Reform’s James Orr, who was insisting that […]

The post Caroline Lucas dismantled Donald Trump and his war in Iran, and it’s the best and most damning assessment of them you’ll hear today appeared first on The Poke.

We don’t do ‘takedown of the week’ as much as we used to but if we did then this would surely be it. It’s a clip from back in the day of a guy – well, two guys – keen on explaining back in tjust why they can’t find a woman worthy of being their […]

The post This takedown of Myron Gaines and some other ‘alpha male’ who can’t find a woman ‘worthy’ of being their wife is a proper hall of famer appeared first on The Poke.

People not from Britain have been sharing the British things that really baffle them and it’s really rather fabulous. It all started when Redditor TIGHazard asked this: ‘Non-British people of Reddit, what about Britain baffles you?’ And the answers came pouring in. We’ve read them all – well, quite a lot of them – so […]

The post People not from Britain shared the British things that really, really baffle them – 27 proper eye-openers appeared first on The Poke.

Here’s something that will be entirely relatable to women and totally eye-opening – if not to all me, then to a lot of them. It’s a discussion over on Reddit that began when Unfair_Quantity1413 asked this. ‘What are some things that are normal to women but mind blowing to men?’ And there was no shortage […]

The post Women shared the things that are normal to them but ‘mind-blowing to men’ – 23 especially hard truths appeared first on The Poke.